Don't Blame Me for Being Me

Chapter 4
Do you really not wanna talk about what happened to us?
It was very early morning. I was sitting on a chair at a balcony of a hotel room Bren and me had stayed in last night. I pulled my legs to my stomach and matched a cigarette. Smoking I began to wipe off the rest of my make up. It was not much, just under my eyes, but I was rubbing my cheeks hard being discontent by myself. I was discontent I’d happened here with Brendon. I regretted I did it. Is it a way normal girls behave? Is it what I wanted from him? Is it what he wanted from me? Is it a right way to start relationships? Wait, do I need relationships with him? My own honest answer just pressed down the rest of my self-respect – yeah, I need them. I need Brendon. But after all of it…what he thinks about me? Too fast to be laid in one bed with him… He agreed to come out of the club very soon. He agreed to leave his girl very easy (why I care so much about her?). For what? For me? If he fell in love with me there’re other ways to express it. Hey, same to me. I could show my feelings more innocently xD. The answer just lays on a surface. He was with me for what I wanted to be with him then. For this night. It’s unbearable to think such a way. But it seems to be true. What to do after? I can persuade him it was one night stand completely by my hushed escape and leaving him the smell of my hair on the pillow which is near him, which was mine…Fuck! What I think about? It’s silly. No, I won’t go away. I wanna have a hope, a slight hope for the good. And at least he must drive me to my university. At best… at best won’t be happened…I think.
I got up and walked to a bathroom. I was washing my face when Brendon came up to me.
“Hi”, he said hoarsely a little.
“Hi”, I said without breaking washing.
“You’re here”, it was a statement that I didn’t run away.
“Yeah”, I said thinking if he’s glad of it.
“I thought you’ve gone”, he said staring at me, my back, my legs, and my body at all.
“I’m glad of this way of your thinking about me”, I said ironically and began rubbing my face by some towel.
“No, I-”
“I have to go to my univer”, I cut him off.
“I’ll drive you”, he said.
“I hope”, I walked out of the bath passing by him. He did no attempt to hug me or to lean in for any kiss. “so I thought right… one night stand. I’m nothing for him, for man I wanna love and I wanna be loved by”, I thought when he closed bath’s door behind him.
I swallowed the rest of my proud and began changing. It really was the time to go to univer. But I hadn’t enough time to get into my house. It was a pity I should listen to lectures but not hear them…’Cause my thoughts would be far away…
I had so many thoughts about him and me, about all of that in my head but I didn’t know how I could explain them. It wasn’t clear even for myself. I was tangling in my own thoughts and my own words, which I thought I would say to him. I couldn’t find any words to myself to understand what I need (except my furious need in Brendon) and what I want. I was standing half-naked (just in my jeans) and seeking my shirt when Brendon walked out of the bath. I shut my bare breast by my arms fastly and stood looking at him. He smirked and just passed me by that to take his clothes. It was awful to be strangers. After all of we had we’re strangers who even have no words to tell each other…
After some lectures in the univer I was eventually free and decided to call for Dasha. I didn’t see her from last evening and I thought we really had something to talk about.
There was a break at boutique she works and we went to some café near.
“So what were you doing last night?” I asked her when we were waiting for our book.
“I was with Ross. As if you don’t remember. But I see you’re in the same clothes you was yesterday.  What’s up? You didn’t even come home?” she asked me.
“Yeah. Brendon…and me…we were together last night…in some hotel”, I eventually finished that sentence.
“How’s he?”
“In what sense?” I was dumb and I confessed it xD
“As if you don’t know what I’m talking about!” she smiled.
“Haha. He’s fine. He was fine. We were fine…” I sighed.
“You don’t look fine”, she said taking her coffee which was brought.
“Don’t mind. I’m alright. Talk about you and Ross”, I said.
“I came home not lately and wanted to call you but then I thought I could bother you… so I went to the bed”, she said and looked away.
“Well, and where’s any word about Ryan?” I smirked. “C’mon, tell me honestly what you and Ryan did after being in that club”, I smiled.
“He drove me home and after we drove to the house we were sitting in his car”, she added to her previous words about spending last evening.
“That’s all? Ross is miserable”, I smiled.
“Why’s he so? No, he’s-“ she rolled her eyes imagining Ryan, I thought.
“Aaa! That’s not all! You had smth! I see”, I yelled as if it was the most important thing in the world xD. Sure, it was so for them, but for me? xD
“You see right. I decided to repeat your exploit having sex in a car”, she made a modest smile.
“In car? You and Ryan? In his car? Cool. Very cool for the first time”, I was proud of her xD
“Yeah. It was our first time. So it was alright”, she smiled.
“I’m glad of you”, I said and we began talking about something other and I didn’t wanna return to that topic. I didn’t wanna talk about how much I’m messed-up and how stupid to love somebody and be afraid to confirm it.
He didn’t call me. Even in four days. I stopped waiting. I spend my time studying, working, sleeping and being in internet. I wanted to chat with my old friends. I missed them and each of them got some letters and small portion of my attention, love and interest from me. The most time I was chatting with Cesc (he’s Spanish soccer, my lovely friend). So he was my virtual tearcatcher soothing me while I was cursing myself for all I’ve done.
***in two days***
So it was weekend. Ryan came to us (so it’s impossible to drive him away from Dasha xD). He and Dasha were watching tv or something. So I was sitting near and playing Need for Speed at my laptop. Sometimes guys could hear my “Fuck! Where are you fucking going? It’s my motherfucking road! Suck my dick, cops! You won’t catch me up!” I like to curse and swear in this game xD. And I do it with a great pleasure. I was on a top of my fastest race when all of us heard knock on a door.
“Open!” I yelled to guys and went on playing.
And then I heard Brendon’s voice. I jerked up and my awesome car with an awesome tuning crashed into some wall. I kept sitting and looking at my car but thinking of Brendon.
After talking to Ryan and Dasha he came up to me. He exchanged glances with me.
“Hi”, he said first. “What are you doing?”
“Racing”, I replied and stared away.
“Your car stopped”, he noticed.
“I know”.
“We need to talk”.
“No, we don’t need”, I said and went on playing then.
“I have something to tell you”, he kept insisting.
“I don’t wanna listen to you”, I said and kept driving my car crashing it into all of corners and lanterns.
“So I don’t care. I wanna tell you about me and you”.
“I know what you’ll say. I don’t wanna-”
“Ira, I need to find out what’s between us. Do you not want it?” he cut me off.
“I think everything was clear from the beginning”, I said calmly.
“You know everything?”, he sat on the table.
“No”.
“So let me talk to you”.
“Brendon, I said I don’t need to find out anything. Don’t bother me. I’m busy”, I said thinking of how much I was busy xD
“Are you sure?”
“What in?”, I looked at him.
“In everything you do, you say now”.
“Yeah”, I said. “At least I hope”.
“So it’s your choice, yeah?” he asked.
“I never choose this mess. And it’s not only my fault in this”.
“You said everything was clear. Why mess?” he said and noticed right. I was silent. Because I knew I was tangled in my own lies. I was lying and he was catching me out in it.
“So you think we don’t need to talk, do you?” he asked me again.
Again and again! I was so tired of all of our words, all of our fakes, of our hidden thoughts. I was tired to control myself, to control my speech, my look, my everything, to lock my truly feelings. Why? I wanted to protect myself from my love to him although I understood that his coming was not “just because”. Why I was so stubborn? I could understand he came…he could come to me. ..it shows something…something good.
“Brendon, I don’t wanna speak with you. Now… I don’t get you out, but don’t bother me anymore please”, I said firmly.
“I won’t bother. If you want”, he got up and went out of our house not closing the exit door. I noticed it and walked to it that to shut it. But Brendon was coming back.
“You weren’t taught to close the door behind yourself?” I asked him with a little smile.
“No”.
He walked towards me with words “I forgot to do smth” and just kissed me. “Wow, I’m glad of your coming”, I thought feeling his hand on my neck. I didn’t touch him and didn’t come close. But I was in that kiss completely. I hoped he felt it. Then he pushed me from himself. There was a little pause.
“How could you forget to do it?” I asked him smiling.
He smiled too. “Is this we needed that to feel ourselves more simply and easily?”, I thought.
“I love you”, he said to me.
“Your straightness is shocking”, I tried to joke.
“I’m waiting for your answer”, he was looking at me.
“You asked about something?” I smiled.
“I did. You know”, he said and he was right.
“It didn’t sound like a question”, I said not deserving to answer.
“Will you tell me yes or no?” he was losing the rest of his patience.
“What do you wanna hear?”
“Ira, you know I would like to hear you love me back. You know I’m serious now. And I know I won’t go away until I hear your words about your truly attitude to me”, he almost yelled that.
“i… you… I think…”, I mumbled thinking of right words.
“You were chattier formerly”, he noticed.
“Formerly I didn’t know I can love you”, I eventually said and turned around.
I got into my living room. He followed me. I made my way to a kitchen. He came too. I began making a coffee for us or for myself. But he stopped me by coming up. He stood right in front of me and I didn’t know what to look at that not to look at him and into his eyes.
“You love me, yeah?”, he asked me knowing answer anyway.
“I didn’t mean…to say that. i… don’t know, I don’t-”, I stopped.
“You love me”, he said.
“Brendon, I -“
He cut me off by kissing me.
“You love me”, he said again after that.
It seemed to me very funny and I laughed.
“I don’t know, Brendon”, I said being ready to say what he wanted to hear from me.
“Without any “I don’t know”, he smiled.
“You decide for me?”
“Yeah, if you deny obvious things”.
He began kissing me as if he was sure I love him and notwithstanding I didn’t say that. But he was right acting such a way and in some minutes he eventually got my sincere “I love you, Brendon”. It’s probably true. I do need him and I know I’m happy all of this real mess became clear and we both know that we’re together. And we both know that we don’t have a furious, crazy and …I dunno… passionate love to each other. We’ve just began dating. We began getting to know each other. But I have no doubt saying I have a good sleep at nights resting my head on his chest.