Don't Blame Me for Being Me

Chapter 49
Some say that you are my curse, my own worst enemy (I think they're wrong and who will tell me what’s right?)
Well, the next morning was terribly awful in that sense that Dasha and me were attacked by boys. They needed explanations for our behavior last night. But everything in order…
Somewhere around 8 or 9 a.m. Dasha and me got up with alarm clock’s awful ringing, discussed last night taking showers and dressing. It seemed we also drank all the water in bath tube xD. We felt ourselves very bad nor good. Just an ordinary slight hangover and laziness to do anything. But we had to pack our stuffs and not be late. So we began gathering our clothes and other things around the room when with no knock on the door Trohman and Pete came in.
“Oh, you’re already awoken! We were going to arouse you”, Trohman said with a snigger.
“Yeah, we got up. And what?” I said with not my own voice.
“You were crazy lat night? You went mad?! Where you were? Where you got sloshed?!” Pete shouted.
“We were at Spence”, I said with a wish to being believed.
“So why he didn’t got you at the hotel? Where did you find MCR?” he asked with anger.
“Spence got drunk like a pig! He was talking with huge efforts! What driving us here?” I kinda complained.
“Who drove us?” Dasha asked.
“Ha! Three men were pulling you from the car and you don’t remember! Ha!” Trohman was mocking.
“What men?” Dasha asked.
Just I hadn’t time to talk to her about that this morning.
“Ray and Mikey”, I replied.
“Who’s third?”
I pointed at Pete.
“What a shame”, she sighed.
“Why you say you’ll be at Spence but instead of this you walk around hotels, find and pick up some men?! And being drunk!” Pete shouted.
“Hey, hey, hey! I wasn’t looking for anybody! How I could pick up Ray being in my own? I still can’t believe I was riding in one car with him”, Dasha said.
“Ryan saw you came to Spence being drunk well and then he saw you two, Jon, Spence and Iero rushing into MCR room! I called Ryan”, Pete said.
“Who’s Ryan?” Dasha turned to me. “He’s about Ross?”
I nodded.
“Fuck, a pig mug”, she sighed. “So you prefer to believe him instead of me?”
“Where’s false facts? You weren’t drunken? You weren’t rushing into there?” Pete asked.
“I wasn’t rushing anywhere! I was invited to spend good time and I came there”, she replied.
“Yep, cool invitation. 10 drunken men and you two”, Pete smirked.
“I guess, guys there weren’t very drunk unless…”, Trohman mocked looking at us.
“No, they were! Ross didn’t say this? Strangely”, I snapped. “If you are caring this much, why you didn’t come and tear me away from drunken hands of drunken guys?” this question was directed to Trohman and he knew it.
But I was answered by Pete.
“We were going”, he admitted.
“Really? Trohman was talking to me over the mobile that you search us for the whole day. May be Ryan informed you not in time?” I said.
“It’s not a big deal. Just to drink is unhealthy. To drink in unknown city is dangerous. And to drink with not well-known dudes is just immoral”, Pete explained everything xD.
“But you two do all of it and with enjoyment”, Trohman added smiling unpleasantly for me then.
Dasha and me were sitting with our heads bent down and not knowing what to say. I felt sad all of sudden. My mood was changed abruptly. Well, boys thought their words reached our minds eventually =P.
“Are you alright at the morning at least?” Pete asked with a care.
“I was in one car with Toro. I can’t believe”, Dasha was muttering.
I looked at Pete, then at Joe.
“Pete, you’re so good, so caring, so kind…Here”, I pointed at Trohman. “Does he care about me? Pshh, there’s no matter to him what’s going with me! He can’t show any interest to how I feel, if I’m alright, if I’m okay or not! There’s no matter to him where I am, what I am doing, whom with, how I am! He doesn’t need me…Everybody doesn’t need me…So fuck you all…The world acts unfair…and Trohman is selfish, jewish, stingy mug!” I said sadly.
Everybody was surprised and looked dumb.
“Uh…”, Trohman made some sound.
“Well, get ready, we’ll wait for you at the reception”, Pete said unsurely.
Boys left our room. We kept packing our bags. I talked Dasha the whole story with Ray. And as soon as I ended he sent a message to Dasha’s mobile asking if she’s alright xD.
“Shit”, she sighed. “Now I absolutely believe”.
We came down. I looked as sullen and gloomy as sky before rainstorm =P. I felt that soon I’d rant and rave with and without any reason. I noticed that Trohman was still in that surprised state. I made him carry my bags. Pete was speaking with somebody over mobile. Dasha said “somebody” was Ray. Funny. Well, we all got into the bus and went ahead. Pete made Dasha sit and hang with him. I considered that like it’s negative to speak with me and walked to my bunk. I found a bottle of beer there and settled myself there with outstretched legs. I wanted to drink so much after last night!.. Everybody seemed as enemies to me. Trohman first, of course. Really, I felt offence. Why does nobody care about me? Why Trohman doesn’t care about me? Why my life and I myself are no matter for him? Why he just doesn’t give a damn about me? He said we’re friends. What I get from this? I always help him but where’s his help back? Here, Pete’s always next to Dasha. I’m alone. Nobody cares. WTF is going now? So I was drinking and thinking such a gloomy way. Guys were talking being at kitchen area. I wasn’t listening to them. But then I heard somebody’s voice not far from me saying “I swear I feel a beer scent in the air”. It was Andy. He looked into my bunk for seeing my melancholy face and my melancholy beer xD.
“She’s drinking again!” he stated.
It was a limit point. I jumped out from the bunk, walked to a sink, poured out the rest of the beer and left the bottle there throwing it with a loud sound.
“Are you happy now?” I said with a little anger.
“Great job”, Trohman replied for some reason.
“Who are you to teach me?! You all don’t care! So fuck off! Let me do what I want!” I yelled and was on the way to my bunk. “Stop the bus! I wanna stay in this fucking desert! I’m fucked up by everything! I absolutely know now Trohman doesn’t need me! You all don’t need me! I’m useless person, okay, I’ll know now, thanks, guys”.
“Ira, what’s going on?” Pete asked.
“Nothing serious, man. Really. Hold tight your girl and don’t give a damn about the rest of all! I spent so much time in fucking vain trying to get him while he even couldn’t care to tell me how fucking selfish he is!” it was of course about Trohman xD.
Well, when my patience goes to end, I usually hurl any stuffs. I don’t throw something like mobile or glass stuff, anything that can be broken. So, with my last words I threw an empty plastic bottle towards Joe xD. I felt no fun then, just irritation and anger. Of course, he was shocked and immediately got up with words “what are you doing?”. But it was barely possible to stop me. I was taking any stuffs from my bunk – pencils, clothes, lipsticks, notebooks – and this everything was flying xD into Joe’s direction. Everybody tried to hide from my flying stuffs. Their attempts to calm me down led to nothing. I stopped when I saw there was already nothing to crash. I scowled at them but my eyes were darting from one thing to another in searching of necessary one for throwing.
“Just tell - what do you want?” Dasha asked.
“Joe’s attention”, I replied.
To be honest, it was only half serious. But boys pushed Joe to me. He looked completely dumb and it made me annoyed just much more. My eyes found a book lying in someone’s bunk and I fastly threw it into Trohman. He could evade the hit. He was in a great shock at all.
“I wasted so much time on you! And I hate you for this!” I began hurling things from that bank. I guessed it was Patrick’s one xD.
“Ira, stop this!” Joe cried.
“Don’t shout at me! You’re nobody for me since now!” I yelled and threw another book into his direction. “I’m tired! I’m tired of you saying we’re friends! I got sick of this shit!”
“Stop this hysteria and let’s talk!” he said avoiding successfully all the stuffs which were being thrown into him xD.
“I loathe even standing near you! You’re not a man! We’re friends? You’ve never fucking showed me it!” I replied.
And there was nothing to throw again. I began searching. He used that break and came close being brave, I must confess xD.
“Just let’s talk, okay?” he said and touched my arms.
“I don’t wanna hear you, see your mug and talk to you! I hate everything about you!” I was yelling, crying and beating his chest and anywhere.
But he could catch my arms and pressed me to himself. I was trying to set myself free for some minutes of silent struggle but then gave up and was just crying and sobbing quietly.
“Why I like you this much? You’re awfully terribly selfish person, Trohman. I hate you”, I said.
“Calm down”, he said kindly. “Calm down”.
I felt he pressed his lips to my head. There was Joe I like xD. I mean, I like the most when his Jewish nature acts in him, but tender, caring and kind Joe is the best Joe xD. I looked behind his shoulder. Guys were watching us as a good movie xD.
“Are you alright now?” Joe asked.
“No, I’m not”, I snapped.
I pushed him away and began picking up my stuffs I just threw away. He began helping me silently. So he had to listen to all of my complaints about himself xD. The containing of them was simple – lack of his attention and love xD. The one thing that was changed was my voice. It was going from just mumbling to high pitched intonation with tones of desperation. Nobody interrupted me xD. I remember clearly Joe’s surprised and distressed eyes and look xD. Surprised to what he saw and what he heard about himself from my side. Distressed and asking me to stop all of that. After I made an order in the bus I just went to my bunk and lied there being sad as I’d never been. At all I began already calming down and thinking about all of that with a lil’ dose of humor xD. Well, after some time I felt that somebody was trying to nestle himself well next to me. I turned around to see it was Trohman.
“What do you want, man? I said I don’t need anything from you since now”, I said.
“I should do something…say something…um…just let’s talk, okay?” he eventually said.
I nodded with a tired look on my face. He cuddled to me and we began a conversation.
He was saying so much soothing and sweet words that if I was in better mood and state, they would be considered like the reason to lead him to a wedding xD. Well, he calmed me down completely by being very sweet and caring. I pretended I bought everything he said, each his promise and lie. As if I don’t know Trohman! He’ll forget all he said next day. I just seized a moment to be close to him and make him accomplish all of my whims xD. And it felt damn nice to fall asleep with his arms around me!