Don't Blame Me for Being Me

Chapter 52
I’ve never slept with anyone in Fall Out Boy (I only wanted your sympathy in the form of me crawling into your bed)
Next morning I woke up ‘cause of loud sound of slammed door. I slowly sat up and saw Andy, Pete and Joe. They looked very serious and, I even can say, angry. Pete was so, it’s for sure. Dasha sat up on her bed too. After realizing there were men in front of us we wrapped blankets around ourselves. Boys were standing and looking around. Our clothes were lying everywhere, our bras were thrown at shelf under a mirror, the shoes were in different corners of the room and handbags were lying on the floor in centre of the room. Mess…
“How’s Spence? He’s alright?” Pete asked.
“Um…why you’re asking?” I asked hesitating.
“He’s okay. Kinda”, Dasha replied.
“Really? So how you got in Memphis last night?” Pete said.
“Where?!” Dasha and me stared at him.
“Anywhere! How you got in Memphis?” Trohman said loudly.
“What they want?” Dasha asked me into Russian.
“information about some Memphis”, I replied her. “May be, we’ll go there”.
“You two already went there!” Andy butted in.
“Ah! It’s the name of that restaurant, exactly!” it dawned at me.
“Yeah, probably. I don’t remember the name”, she said. “And how you could know?” Dasha asked boys.
“Spence said. You were with him last night, yeah?” Pete said with a bit of irony.
Dasha and me could know what it meant… But we just nodded our heads approvingly.
“You were in Memphis with Spence, right?” he asked again.
“What do you want?” I asked him straight.
“You don’t get bored to lie?!” Pete shouted. “Where you were last night?”
“As for me I’m curious who spoke with you, Pete, over the phone. And ate and drank instead of Spence”, Joe smirked.
“Frank Iero!” Andy couldn’t miss a chance to say this name.
“It’s Ira”, Dasha said.
“What “Ira”?” Pete was irritated very much.
“She was speaking. With you. Over the phone. With Spence’s voice”, Dasha said.
“And ate for Spence? And was drinking for two?” Joe smirked.
“Yeah, Trohman, and I wore a beard like Spence has”, I snapped.
Dasha laughed.
“Who was with you and where you were last night?” Pete asked us.
“We all know the answer”, Andy said.
“I pretend I don’t understand your hints ‘cause I’m bored to listen to them”, I replied.
“We were just together. Just Ira and me. We were with nobody”, Dasha said looking straight at Pete.
“Okay, but who was speaking with me?” Pete asked.
“Ira. She can speak other’s voices”, Dasha said.
Boys looked at us as at idiots.
“I can. I even speak the voice of president of our country. You don’t believe?” I said.
“Show them”, Dasha said.
“yeah, Spence’s voice”, Andy demanded.
To be honest I was shaking inside. It was a hard task – to imitate Bob’s voice who imitated Spence’s one xD. Thanks Lord I didn’t fail. To a common surprise. I said with a very familiar to Spence’s voice “Hey, I’m Spencer Smith. I’m drummer in a band Panic At The Disco”.
“Okay, but for what she was doing it yesterday?” Joe asked.
“We had told you we’d be with Spence. I keep our secret”, I said.
“You’d worry if we told you we’d be just alone. And we didn’t want you to be with us”, Dasha added.
“it’s not the fact you were alone. Just you were without Spencer”, Pete said.
“I insist on candidature of Iero”, Andy said.
“What the fuck?! You’re voting for deputy? There’re elections now? You fucked me up! I have nothing common with this man. And yesterday I was just with Ira. No man touched me. Though I wanted, but you, Pete, was helping Trohman to make origami”, Dasha bursted.
“You promised to come back in few minutes but just ran away somewhere and with somebody! What I should do?” Pete replied.
“Keep listening to Andy and his illusions”, she snapped.
“He specially talks trashes about us”, I added.
“Everything has a reason”, Joe smirked.
“I explain one more time – we were alone, without any Ieros, Smiths and other jerks!” I said firmly. “It was just our own female company”.
“And tell me who’s a traitor? Who handed us over you?” Dasha asked. “Ross? I’m sure it’s him”, she guessed.
“Yeah, it’s him. And when you returned into the hotel?” Pete said.
“Before midnight. Almost at once after your call”, Dasha answered.
“Hey, Ira, what Bob you were moaning about? Who’s it?” Trohman asked me.
This straight question confused me a little.
“Jerk. It was a joke”, I mumbled.
“No, really, who’s that Bob?” he insisted.
“Do you not care? As usual”, I said.
“I dunno. Just curious”, he replied.
“I guess what Bob was with them yesterday. And I think he was with friends”, Andy said. “I’m sure they were with Bob Bryar, Iero and Toro and may be the whole band was with them. ‘Cause they all, I mean MCR, are chasing after them”.
“Oh, my!.. Jesus Christ! It’s awful!” Dasha was yelling.
“Andy, you went crazy. You have health problems. May be it’s because of lack of sleep or your vegan style of life or something else, I dunno”, I said calmly.
“You couldn’t think up anything cooler?” Dasha asked Andy. “Who’s chasing after me? I don’t care even if it’s so. I know them only by names. Stop thinking about me and somebody from MCR”.
“Then say whom with you were yesterday”, Andy demanded.
“Fuck you”, Dasha replied. “We explained already”.
Andy was so serious that Pete was catching each word trying understand where’s truth and lie. Only Trohman was standing with a smile on his lips. Sure, why he must worry? His gf wasn’t walking at night. Even that fact that some Bob was getting me pleasure xD last night just was making him have fun!
“Trohman, why you’re laughing? Why it’s fun for you?” I asked him.
“I should cry?” he smirked. Again!
“I was moaning about some unknown Bob and it’s just funny to you?” I said.
“So it’s true?” he asked curiously.
“You care? Strangely. Since when?” I asked with an irony.
“You were with Bob Bryar?” Pete asked.
“We got tired to explain we were alone. We were hanging out alone”, I said firmly. “And I swear I really don’t fucking care if you don’t believe us. Why we were alone? ‘Cause you’re impotents. Yeah, don’t look at me so weird. You didn’t see a naked woman and don’t wanna”.
I wrapped the blanket around me tighter and got up. Boys got scared I decided to hold a demonstration of naked woman xD. I came up to Trohman. He began fearing more. Pete weakly denied that it’s all bullshit and he has seen naked woman and not the one. I made a face kinda “I don’t believe”. He knew I’ve known Dasha and him haven’t had sex yet so…he hasn’t seen a naked Dasha, it’s for sure xD.
“Trohman, tell me why you didn’t open to me last night. I was beating for a good 15 minutes. I was curious how much origami you did. Don’t tell you didn’t hear me. I don’t believe. Look, it’s so cool. You don’t believe me – I don’t believe you. What hinders you to act like a man with me? Am I ugly and hideous so much? Do I squint or limp? Am I really so ugly that it’s impossible to grab my ass at some dark place? Here I am! You can do it even at bright one, you’re welcome! No? And it’s in tour! It’s in the tour where amount of girls per a man reaches 0,1! First days I thought it’s something wrong with me. Bullshit. Just you’re impotent. You’re not a fucking rockstar. You do don’t want girls. You don’t feel lack of sex though you have it. And you don’t want sex. It looks scaring for your age, you know. Look at me. This sheet is a hard barrier for you? Don’t give a fuck about guys. They’ve seen many things, they won’t be surprised. Here I am, for you. Naked and wrapped in the sheet. Your answer?” I told and looked straight at Trohman.
The other guys were looking at us. Again, with a big attention and as a good movie.
“May be I don’t wanna wrap you out from this sheet after some Bob”, he tried to joke and looked at me with a bit of disgust.
“As if I suggest you the first time”, I snapped and took a step back. “Nobody! You hear me? Nobody wrapped me out from any sheet in this fucking tour!” I yelled. “’Cause there’re only damn faggots in the tour! No men. I got sick, I’m fucked off to run after you and suggest myself to you. I have self-respect”, I said.
“oh, finally appeared to the end of the tour”, Andy smirked.
“Yeah, exactly to the end. I’m fucked off to ride along American deserts and among cactuses and men looking like women. I’d agreed to go only for you, only because of you, Joe. Now I see there’s nothing for me to catch here. I’m woman and I’m proud of it. I hate you, Trohman, and this motherfucking tour”, I said and walked to the door. “I’m going away from here”, I said and left the room.
I can’t say where I was gonna go to exactly being ‘dressed’ just in the sheet. I thought for a moment and decided to go to FOB’s room. Patrick was there, it was for sure. I turned left and walked to a neighbor door. Before knocking I looked at a door of the next room and saw my compact on the floor. I came and picked it up thinking “What I was doing there last night?” Well, I knocked to Pat. He opened the door.
“Oh…Wow…what does it mean?” he asked looking me up and down.
“Awfulness. Let me in. I’m barefeet”, I said.
He let me in and I directed myself to a bedroom without more ado. I wanted to just crash on a bed a have a sleep for awhile. I was opening the door while Pat was asking me not to do it. But it was late. I came in and saw a girl sitting on the bed and being wrapped in a sheet just like me.
“Oh, sorry”, I said and closed the door.
I bent down laughing hard. After seeing Pat was standing next to me, I finally noticed he was in his underwear only. I caught his boxers just because xD. So I was holding it and laughing at that region xD. Pat returned his boxers to its place and asked me to calm down. He was a little confused and irritated by my interference.
“Oh, Pat!” I managed to say. “I came for a right address”, I joked.
“Give me back my boxers”, he demanded trying to pull them out of my hands xD.
“You don’t need them, I think. You’re man!” I said still laughing.
“I’m glad you noticed”, he smirked.
He led me to a couch and made me sit down. My wave of laughter wasn’t coming to end.
“Ira, stop laughing”, Pat said.
“My sheet is falling down ‘cause of laughing”, I said chuckling.
“Oh, fuck”, Pat groaned.
I was half-sitting – half-lying on the couch and had no power to return the sheet on its place. Patrick was spinning around trying to return me into the sheet xD. And exactly in that ambiguous moment Andy and Joe came into the room. They were surprised by the picture they saw. Patrick looked like he was gonna kill us all for spoiling that his morning xD. I put on an offended face. After a second the door of the bedroom got opened and that girl came out wearing the same sheet as me (‘cause it’s hotel and they all are the same) xD. She began asking “Pat, where is?..”. After seeing all of us she asked “What’s happened?”. I laughed.
“Don’t fear them”, I pointed at Joe and Andy. “I walk such a way, almost naked, the whole morning. They don’t react”, I said.
It made boys to be silent for awhile.
“they’re lost people for our society”, I joked.
The girl smiled. I got up and walked to Trohman.
“Joe, pray the gay away from you”, I put my hand on his shoulder. “I’m sure it’s just the way you go through some difficulties. But don’t cross lines, okay? Everything will be alright. You’re interested in boys? Ask Pete, satisfy your curiosity and forget. You’re just lost a little, but it’s temporary”, I said jokingly.
Then I smiled at his dumb look and after saying byes to all of them I went away. I came back to Dasha. She as still with Pete in our room.
“You allow me to dress? I got cold going without pants”, I said. “Pete, go away. Go and talk to Trohman about men’s love and friendship”.
“What?” Pete asked.
“Trohman wants to know about it. He’s interested”, I replied.
“You’ll dress?” Pete asked Dasha getting up.
“Sure. Or you want us to tour with you further being dressed such a way? There’re new elements of striptease and erotic in your show? You plan it?” Dasha joked.
Pete laughed and walked away.
“Des he not believe about yesterday?” I asked her.
“Kinda he does. But not much. Anyway we can’t tell about Bob”, she replied.
“we must not forget to tell Bob to keep a secret”, I said.
She nodded approvingly.
Well, during the dressing, I told Dasha about the case with Patrick. She was laughing at it too. Then I shared information about founded compact. After some thinking we understood we were beating not FOB’s door last night xD. Trohman couldn’t hear my “love lyrics and sobs” then… And I tend to think it’s good. I’m really fucked off by him and got tired of all of it.
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Another city.
I was in MCR’s dressing room with Frank. After a little conversation we understood we both wanted the same thing xD. Somehow after some kisses we began making out. You can remind me about Trohman but after that sort of quarrel we behave ourselves cold to each other. And I think I’m ready to give up my attempts to get him. I’d told him everything that morning.
So, Frank and me began making out. It felt like we both had a firm intention to have sex. We had much time for it ‘cause MCR scheduled to have a show after FOB and FOB wasn’t on stage yet. I was already without my shirt and Frank was sitting with unbuckled belt. It was the time to lay back at a couch and take off the rest of the clothes. But in that time someone came in without knocking and he wasn’t gonna go away after seeing THAT PICTURE. We had to stop and look who it was. I dunno why, but after finding out that I abruptly sat up and put on my shirt back. Um…who it was? It was Gerard Way personally. He began seeking something after spending some time standing in front of us silently.
“Can you hurry your ass up, man?” Frank asked.
“For what?” Gerard asked back.
“You interrupted us. Say “sorry” and go away”, Frank explained.
“It’s not only your dressing room”, Gerard answered.
“but I’m here and with the girl”, Frank got up.
I felt that I couldn’t continue. I dunno why Gerard’s coming was so…so…it just stopped me and I couldn’t do anything. Even if he’d go away after Frank’s requests, I don’t think I’d be the same way with Frank. I don’t know the reason for all of it…
“Is it your girl?” I heard Gerard asking Frank.
“Yes”, Frank said.
“No”, I said in the same time.
They looked at me.
“Sorry, Frank”, I got up. “I have to go”.
“No, wait…where? He’s going away already”, Frank took my hand and looked at Gerard.
“I’m sorry”, I whispered to Frank and tenderly kissed his lips. “See you later”, these words I said with no emotion not to let him think about the continuation.
I walked away not closing the door behind me. After a few steps I stopped and pressed my back to a wall. I was not far from the room still and could hear guys’ voices. Of course Frank was demanding why Gerard didn’t leave me and him. And I’m almost ready to swear I heard Gerard’s answer “I just don’t want her to be with you”…