Don't Blame Me for Being Me
Chapter 71 I live my whole life baby, I live this everyday
Chapter 71
I live my whole life baby, I live this everyday (It ain't the money and it sure as hell ain't just for the fame. The fame won’t bring you to me ASAP)
I could not take such an opportunity of being a friend with Jack and miss a chance to drive to the first location of the filming We The Kings’ video with him. Yes, they chose me. I went through all necessary procedures and somehow I’ve suited for the video at their opinion (cast direction, director of the video, guys themselves). So for two days Gerard and My Chem stay in UK, I’ll being shot in the music video. Something I’ve not told him yet. Yeah, shame on me, please. I don’t know why I’m silent about it. The only persons that I told those oh-my-god-this-is-awesome news were Dasha, my bro and my mom. My brother was glad for me and my mom was cautious and told me to be careful. Dasha already had left LA to meet up with Mikey and go with him to UK. So it is a matter of time when Gerard will find out about We The Kings’ and mine little secret xD. I need to hurry fucking up with spilling good news to him.
“So how are you feeling?” Jack asked me pulling his car to a highway.
“Usual”, I turned my face in my sunglasses to him. “As if it is usual day and it’s usual thing I do. I’m just trying to convince myself in it”.
“Everything’s gonna be alright, I’m sure”, he shrugged.
“I still can’t believe I’ll be there. I can’t imagine myself in doing this video. I don’t think less of myself or doubt myself… I just… It’s not easy thing to imagine”, I tried to describe my feelings.
“You’ll do fine. I believe in you”, Jack said.
“You and your encouraging!” I leaned my head against a back of a seat.
“But I really believe in you”, he smirked at my psycho state.
“Let’s talk about something different, Jack. Or just hush at all”, I suggested trying not to sound harsh or impolite.
So the whole our way to the first filming location he was updating me about news in music and sport world, talking about baseball mostly – game I’m not fond of, if not to say more. Anyway he managed to make all my dark thoughts and fears go away and I was thankful to him. To be honest, I’ve been starting to like having Jack-friend xD. So we arrived at the location of the first day of filming both in good moods. The location was a nice place on one of Venice beaches. It was an early morning and we had a full day ahead for filming. After arriving I immediately was taken by an administrator (guy named Matt) and showed to my own dressing room(!) which was just a trailer, as we all were on a beach. There was already a stylist waiting for me inside – a girl named Bet. She had so adorable smile and acted so pleasant that I fell in love with her at once xD. I sat down on a chair in front of a mirror and she explained what image for the video she was gonna make of me. So I should look very romantic, something I ignore and even try to escape sometimes. She decided that we should go back to my natural hair color – dark brown – and use soft pastel colors for my make up. After she started washing my hair and other, Matt began filling me with all details for the video – full scenario, all locations, my part, my heroine line and etc. Before I knew that only in common, so now I’ve had the whole picture in my head. So the conception of the video is the next. Travis and me meet each other at one of the streets of Los Angeles, tender feelings show up, we hang out and spend amazing time. Then he has to leave, but eventually regret it and on his way back he recalls everything we had. We meet again and everything’s cool. So all our time together will be shown as sweet memories of Travis. For the first day we will film not a scene of Travis and mine acquaintance, but us already together. Also I found out that the director wanted to pay much attention to Travis’s car in the video. So I thought that some romantic scenes would be definitely filmed inside of the car or something. I just wondered how deep romantic they will go? Well, soon Bet was done with my hair and face. I looked beautiful, guys. We picked right clothes for such beauty – blue and white striped (like sailor style, you know) V-neck knee length dress, deep blue wide-knitted cardigan and white flip-flops. Also Bet did a slight manicure and we changed a color of polish on my toenails to black. My fingernails now were of French style which only made my image look more natural, of course. When we were done, Matt magically sensed it and showed up to take me. Forgot to say – the director of the video was Rich Lee, the same who did The Wind Blows of All-American Rejects. I was gonna say thanks to him with the first appropriate opportunity, ‘cause this is the video I adore, 50% due to the song itself, another 50% due to its sadly romantic direction. Matt walked me up to Travis and Jack. He understood we knew each other and left us. Travis immediately pulled me to his side while Jack was eyeing me up and down.
“Nervous?” Travis asked me.
“I suppose”, I replied catching Jack’s glance. “What’s wrong with you, dude?” I asked him.
“Gerard will be super jealous. You look gorgeous”, he replied.
“It’s a problem I’ll have to solve later”, I said.
“You don’t need to solve any problems with your look”, Travis pried in.
“Oh, you probably think you’re so funny”, I said with an irony. “I’m about Gerard”.
“You know that there’s a lot of kissing for today’s filming?” Travis asked me.
“I guessed. Want a rehearsal?” I joked hoping to be understand.
“No, sometimes first shots are better”, he joked back.
Travis wore a light blue V-neck tee and light grey, a little bit ripped jeans. Oh and black flip-flops, of course. The rest of the guys were due to filming only to the evening, so they were gonna come much later. ‘Cause it was only 5 a.m. Yeah, I said it was early.
“Do you like a car they found for the video? I’m excited about just an idea of driving it”, Travis said.
I looked around and saw the vehicle. What I could say from there is that it was white, showy white vintage Buick.
“What model its it?” I asked.
“Buick Rivera of 1969!” Travis exclaimed.
“Wow, it’s old. Very old”, I said.
“But it still works and works good. I saw how they drove it out from a truck”, he replied.
Well, soon everything and everybody got ready and Travis and me were called to filming. Our first task was to get established on a backseat of the car in a romantic way. It should look like we fell asleep there. Our settling in took some long minutes. And it gave many reasons to laugh at which everybody was doing shamelessly, while Travis and me were trying to find a place for our legs to put. Snickering, we fit in that small restricted space with me half-sitting between Trav’s legs and with him putting his arms around me and standing one his foot on a floor. As it was required, I pretended I was sleeping on Travis. Bet placed my hair so it looked nicer and also refreshed my make up. Well, we were finally ready. First shots were about sentimental Travis. I felt him touching my cheeks and stroking my hair or arms randomly. Then I heard a command “Wake up!”, took a deep breath and fluttered my eyelashes lightly. I opened my eyes and immediately flashed a lovely look to Travis. We smiled at each other, kinda “We’re such fools, we fell asleep here” and “Surprisingly, it felt comfortable” way. Then we heard “Time for morning kiss!”. Well, kissing somebody just because you were told to is weird. But when you have a boyfriend behind your back (not literally), feeling of weirdness mixes with an abnormality xD. How I managed to overcome this? Hell, I don’t know. I just leaned up, Travis (with a girlfriend behind his back, by the way) leaned down and we performed a tender lovely kiss. Then there was a “Cut!” and we were told to change positions. I sat on Travis’s lap straddling him and Bet took away my pretty cardigan. Travis and me were asked to act more happily, more freely, but less serious. Travis was told to feel free to explore my body. Well, kissing grew to making out. We could start enjoying it, but constant commands and orders like “Move right, Ira”, “Travis, pull away a little”, “Kiss harder, kids”, “Run your hand under her dress” weren’t letting us lose a concentration. Then there was another changing positions. And then another one. And two hours and a half passed not noticeably. We got a little break till the crew would set cameras on the beach near the ocean.
“So how do you feel?” Travis asked me not leaving the car’s backseat. “You know, it’s my first music video where I have to do such exciting things, so you’re free to ask me how I feel too”, he told me.
“Weird. Pretty much weird. Though you’re fucking good kisser. That’s how I feel”, I smiled. “What about you?”
But his answer was postponed ‘cause of Jack who came up to us with a wide grin on his face.
“What are youuuu doooing?” he asked slowly.
“I was about to say to Ira that she’s hot”, Travis said.
“Oh, yeah, she is”, Jack added.
My cheeks turned red. It became a tradition. I looked at guys strictly.
“Such an inappropriate thing to tell a girl, boys”, I said. “You make her feel uncomfortable”.
They snickered and I joined them.
“I finally know why I’m here with you, Ira”, Jack said.
We gave him questioning looks.
“I’m here to save you for Gerard from horny bastards like Travis”, he announced.
I laughed out loud and open-mouthed.
“I have a girlfriend”, Travis chuckled.
“Do you see anyone besides him here who’s gonna hit on me?” I asked trying to gather a composure.
Jack looked around, deeply in thoughts.
“No”, he shook his head.
“Then your mission has no sense”, I said.
We laughed and had a little conversation till Travis and me were called to filming a romantic walk along a shoreline. It took an hour to film just a walk. Then we should behave ourselves funny and silly – running around, rolling on sand and etc. So soon Travis and me threw off our flip-flops, Travis rolled up his pants and we felt free to come close to the water. We both really had fun with splashing and running away from tides. We even tried to built a sandcastle but just got dirty. Literally xD. The director was helping us with moments for kisses. And I think all of them there were perfect, if I could judge from aside. After other two hours Travis and me desperately needed to change our clothes and something like a little shower. We were wet and all in sand. So I was again in my (!) dressing room with Bet. After I got rid off of all sand I had on me, she started working on my face. Bet changed my make up putting on dark grey eyeshadows instead and creating heavy smoky eyes. Then I changed into another outfit they’d prepared for me, chatting with Bet at the same time. Now I had a snowy white Clandestine hoodie (immediately texted Pete I was gonna advertise his brand), black mini shorts and black cowboy boots. My hairdo was natural curls again which got messy the second I walked out from the trailer. Jack and Travis were already at the beach playing with a colorful kite. I ran up to them.
“Hey! You look great in these white pants. Your legs look much longer”, I said to Travis who wore a red t-shirt in addition and red Converses.
“Oh, thank you. You’re white too”, he smiled.
I giggled and paid attention to the kite.
“I guess it’s absolutely not for Jack’s boyish joy, but for the video”, I said looking at happy and content Barakat with a thread in his hands.
“Fuck off! It’s an amazing thing”, he responded in his defense.
We laughed.
“Let me try. I’ve never had this either in my childhood or later”, I told.
They both awarded me by “you gotta kidding me” kind of looks. Well, Jack gave me the string for the kite and they started to teach me how to treat this stuff. All that was need is to catch wind’s direction and hold the string strong in your hands lifting the kite up or pulling it down a little. Actually, I always couldn’t figure out what people find in kites. And even after holding it and guiding it I still couldn’t get what makes this occupation be so fascinating. May be I had wrong childhood? Doubt it xD. Soon after Travis and me were called back to filming. As the kite was ready, the filming began with us playing with it. We were both laughing open-mouthed and looking very happy, I think. To the end, Travis tied my body with the kite’s thread and the director, sensing a very good moment, demanded a kiss. No asking twice, Travis and me kissed passionately and gazed into each other’s eyes. I was smiling and was gonna say to him that was very sweet (just a plain truth). But we heard “Don’t move an inch!” and one of operators came up closer to us to film our exchanging lovely looks. After more time being spent like this, just without the kite, we got a break. It was past 1 p.m. and everybody was a bit tired. And it was too sunny. So the crew began taking away their equipment, the car was drove back in a truck and people was hiding in their trailers. Travis invited me to his one. Jack felt himself there like at home already. There was Chinese take-outs, a couple of pizza boxes and some fruits and non-alcohol drinks. Oh, and the rest of We The Kings. I was just too hungry to notice something else besides food xD. We all had great two hours. Hunter and me hit it off at once. We started from making fun of Travis. Drew… well, he’s another story. Not that he’s shy or something, he just doesn’t let me in. I mean, Dan, Hunter and, first of all, Travis were receptive and friendly from the first second. Drew was just not into that. Well, we were actually talking, but…not having fun. Though I admit that he’s a good guy, obviously. The common conversation was spinning around our childhoods, funny and awkward cases at dates, coming tours and, well, today’s shooting. Two hours passed very fast and Bet came to take me to my (!) dressing room. It was another time to change my outfit and she promised it was the last one. And it included a white long-sleeved tunica with silver ornament and light blue denim mini shorts. No footwear, just blue nail polish. She arranged my hair in a wide, a little messy braid. There was no need to tell Bet would fix and refresh it for many times during the shooting. Also she revived my make up leaving the same colors. And we put on many thin silver bracelets. I was feeling myself like a hippie kid, to be honest xD. While I had time, I checked my phone. All messages I got was alike – how’s your day going? Also I had a voicemail. It was from Gerard. He said that he would come back in New York on Monday (today is Saturday, it means just in day!) and probably be in LA at the next day. It filled me with a unexplainable elation and put a happy grin on my face. He didn’t say anything about We The Kings, so he still hasn’t known. I decided to call him or leave a message when this day would be over and kissing Travis would be yesterday news. Gerard’s gonna flip out anyway though.
I live my whole life baby, I live this everyday (It ain't the money and it sure as hell ain't just for the fame. The fame won’t bring you to me ASAP)
I could not take such an opportunity of being a friend with Jack and miss a chance to drive to the first location of the filming We The Kings’ video with him. Yes, they chose me. I went through all necessary procedures and somehow I’ve suited for the video at their opinion (cast direction, director of the video, guys themselves). So for two days Gerard and My Chem stay in UK, I’ll being shot in the music video. Something I’ve not told him yet. Yeah, shame on me, please. I don’t know why I’m silent about it. The only persons that I told those oh-my-god-this-is-awesome news were Dasha, my bro and my mom. My brother was glad for me and my mom was cautious and told me to be careful. Dasha already had left LA to meet up with Mikey and go with him to UK. So it is a matter of time when Gerard will find out about We The Kings’ and mine little secret xD. I need to hurry fucking up with spilling good news to him.
“So how are you feeling?” Jack asked me pulling his car to a highway.
“Usual”, I turned my face in my sunglasses to him. “As if it is usual day and it’s usual thing I do. I’m just trying to convince myself in it”.
“Everything’s gonna be alright, I’m sure”, he shrugged.
“I still can’t believe I’ll be there. I can’t imagine myself in doing this video. I don’t think less of myself or doubt myself… I just… It’s not easy thing to imagine”, I tried to describe my feelings.
“You’ll do fine. I believe in you”, Jack said.
“You and your encouraging!” I leaned my head against a back of a seat.
“But I really believe in you”, he smirked at my psycho state.
“Let’s talk about something different, Jack. Or just hush at all”, I suggested trying not to sound harsh or impolite.
So the whole our way to the first filming location he was updating me about news in music and sport world, talking about baseball mostly – game I’m not fond of, if not to say more. Anyway he managed to make all my dark thoughts and fears go away and I was thankful to him. To be honest, I’ve been starting to like having Jack-friend xD. So we arrived at the location of the first day of filming both in good moods. The location was a nice place on one of Venice beaches. It was an early morning and we had a full day ahead for filming. After arriving I immediately was taken by an administrator (guy named Matt) and showed to my own dressing room(!) which was just a trailer, as we all were on a beach. There was already a stylist waiting for me inside – a girl named Bet. She had so adorable smile and acted so pleasant that I fell in love with her at once xD. I sat down on a chair in front of a mirror and she explained what image for the video she was gonna make of me. So I should look very romantic, something I ignore and even try to escape sometimes. She decided that we should go back to my natural hair color – dark brown – and use soft pastel colors for my make up. After she started washing my hair and other, Matt began filling me with all details for the video – full scenario, all locations, my part, my heroine line and etc. Before I knew that only in common, so now I’ve had the whole picture in my head. So the conception of the video is the next. Travis and me meet each other at one of the streets of Los Angeles, tender feelings show up, we hang out and spend amazing time. Then he has to leave, but eventually regret it and on his way back he recalls everything we had. We meet again and everything’s cool. So all our time together will be shown as sweet memories of Travis. For the first day we will film not a scene of Travis and mine acquaintance, but us already together. Also I found out that the director wanted to pay much attention to Travis’s car in the video. So I thought that some romantic scenes would be definitely filmed inside of the car or something. I just wondered how deep romantic they will go? Well, soon Bet was done with my hair and face. I looked beautiful, guys. We picked right clothes for such beauty – blue and white striped (like sailor style, you know) V-neck knee length dress, deep blue wide-knitted cardigan and white flip-flops. Also Bet did a slight manicure and we changed a color of polish on my toenails to black. My fingernails now were of French style which only made my image look more natural, of course. When we were done, Matt magically sensed it and showed up to take me. Forgot to say – the director of the video was Rich Lee, the same who did The Wind Blows of All-American Rejects. I was gonna say thanks to him with the first appropriate opportunity, ‘cause this is the video I adore, 50% due to the song itself, another 50% due to its sadly romantic direction. Matt walked me up to Travis and Jack. He understood we knew each other and left us. Travis immediately pulled me to his side while Jack was eyeing me up and down.
“Nervous?” Travis asked me.
“I suppose”, I replied catching Jack’s glance. “What’s wrong with you, dude?” I asked him.
“Gerard will be super jealous. You look gorgeous”, he replied.
“It’s a problem I’ll have to solve later”, I said.
“You don’t need to solve any problems with your look”, Travis pried in.
“Oh, you probably think you’re so funny”, I said with an irony. “I’m about Gerard”.
“You know that there’s a lot of kissing for today’s filming?” Travis asked me.
“I guessed. Want a rehearsal?” I joked hoping to be understand.
“No, sometimes first shots are better”, he joked back.
Travis wore a light blue V-neck tee and light grey, a little bit ripped jeans. Oh and black flip-flops, of course. The rest of the guys were due to filming only to the evening, so they were gonna come much later. ‘Cause it was only 5 a.m. Yeah, I said it was early.
“Do you like a car they found for the video? I’m excited about just an idea of driving it”, Travis said.
I looked around and saw the vehicle. What I could say from there is that it was white, showy white vintage Buick.
“What model its it?” I asked.
“Buick Rivera of 1969!” Travis exclaimed.
“Wow, it’s old. Very old”, I said.
“But it still works and works good. I saw how they drove it out from a truck”, he replied.
Well, soon everything and everybody got ready and Travis and me were called to filming. Our first task was to get established on a backseat of the car in a romantic way. It should look like we fell asleep there. Our settling in took some long minutes. And it gave many reasons to laugh at which everybody was doing shamelessly, while Travis and me were trying to find a place for our legs to put. Snickering, we fit in that small restricted space with me half-sitting between Trav’s legs and with him putting his arms around me and standing one his foot on a floor. As it was required, I pretended I was sleeping on Travis. Bet placed my hair so it looked nicer and also refreshed my make up. Well, we were finally ready. First shots were about sentimental Travis. I felt him touching my cheeks and stroking my hair or arms randomly. Then I heard a command “Wake up!”, took a deep breath and fluttered my eyelashes lightly. I opened my eyes and immediately flashed a lovely look to Travis. We smiled at each other, kinda “We’re such fools, we fell asleep here” and “Surprisingly, it felt comfortable” way. Then we heard “Time for morning kiss!”. Well, kissing somebody just because you were told to is weird. But when you have a boyfriend behind your back (not literally), feeling of weirdness mixes with an abnormality xD. How I managed to overcome this? Hell, I don’t know. I just leaned up, Travis (with a girlfriend behind his back, by the way) leaned down and we performed a tender lovely kiss. Then there was a “Cut!” and we were told to change positions. I sat on Travis’s lap straddling him and Bet took away my pretty cardigan. Travis and me were asked to act more happily, more freely, but less serious. Travis was told to feel free to explore my body. Well, kissing grew to making out. We could start enjoying it, but constant commands and orders like “Move right, Ira”, “Travis, pull away a little”, “Kiss harder, kids”, “Run your hand under her dress” weren’t letting us lose a concentration. Then there was another changing positions. And then another one. And two hours and a half passed not noticeably. We got a little break till the crew would set cameras on the beach near the ocean.
“So how do you feel?” Travis asked me not leaving the car’s backseat. “You know, it’s my first music video where I have to do such exciting things, so you’re free to ask me how I feel too”, he told me.
“Weird. Pretty much weird. Though you’re fucking good kisser. That’s how I feel”, I smiled. “What about you?”
But his answer was postponed ‘cause of Jack who came up to us with a wide grin on his face.
“What are youuuu doooing?” he asked slowly.
“I was about to say to Ira that she’s hot”, Travis said.
“Oh, yeah, she is”, Jack added.
My cheeks turned red. It became a tradition. I looked at guys strictly.
“Such an inappropriate thing to tell a girl, boys”, I said. “You make her feel uncomfortable”.
They snickered and I joined them.
“I finally know why I’m here with you, Ira”, Jack said.
We gave him questioning looks.
“I’m here to save you for Gerard from horny bastards like Travis”, he announced.
I laughed out loud and open-mouthed.
“I have a girlfriend”, Travis chuckled.
“Do you see anyone besides him here who’s gonna hit on me?” I asked trying to gather a composure.
Jack looked around, deeply in thoughts.
“No”, he shook his head.
“Then your mission has no sense”, I said.
We laughed and had a little conversation till Travis and me were called to filming a romantic walk along a shoreline. It took an hour to film just a walk. Then we should behave ourselves funny and silly – running around, rolling on sand and etc. So soon Travis and me threw off our flip-flops, Travis rolled up his pants and we felt free to come close to the water. We both really had fun with splashing and running away from tides. We even tried to built a sandcastle but just got dirty. Literally xD. The director was helping us with moments for kisses. And I think all of them there were perfect, if I could judge from aside. After other two hours Travis and me desperately needed to change our clothes and something like a little shower. We were wet and all in sand. So I was again in my (!) dressing room with Bet. After I got rid off of all sand I had on me, she started working on my face. Bet changed my make up putting on dark grey eyeshadows instead and creating heavy smoky eyes. Then I changed into another outfit they’d prepared for me, chatting with Bet at the same time. Now I had a snowy white Clandestine hoodie (immediately texted Pete I was gonna advertise his brand), black mini shorts and black cowboy boots. My hairdo was natural curls again which got messy the second I walked out from the trailer. Jack and Travis were already at the beach playing with a colorful kite. I ran up to them.
“Hey! You look great in these white pants. Your legs look much longer”, I said to Travis who wore a red t-shirt in addition and red Converses.
“Oh, thank you. You’re white too”, he smiled.
I giggled and paid attention to the kite.
“I guess it’s absolutely not for Jack’s boyish joy, but for the video”, I said looking at happy and content Barakat with a thread in his hands.
“Fuck off! It’s an amazing thing”, he responded in his defense.
We laughed.
“Let me try. I’ve never had this either in my childhood or later”, I told.
They both awarded me by “you gotta kidding me” kind of looks. Well, Jack gave me the string for the kite and they started to teach me how to treat this stuff. All that was need is to catch wind’s direction and hold the string strong in your hands lifting the kite up or pulling it down a little. Actually, I always couldn’t figure out what people find in kites. And even after holding it and guiding it I still couldn’t get what makes this occupation be so fascinating. May be I had wrong childhood? Doubt it xD. Soon after Travis and me were called back to filming. As the kite was ready, the filming began with us playing with it. We were both laughing open-mouthed and looking very happy, I think. To the end, Travis tied my body with the kite’s thread and the director, sensing a very good moment, demanded a kiss. No asking twice, Travis and me kissed passionately and gazed into each other’s eyes. I was smiling and was gonna say to him that was very sweet (just a plain truth). But we heard “Don’t move an inch!” and one of operators came up closer to us to film our exchanging lovely looks. After more time being spent like this, just without the kite, we got a break. It was past 1 p.m. and everybody was a bit tired. And it was too sunny. So the crew began taking away their equipment, the car was drove back in a truck and people was hiding in their trailers. Travis invited me to his one. Jack felt himself there like at home already. There was Chinese take-outs, a couple of pizza boxes and some fruits and non-alcohol drinks. Oh, and the rest of We The Kings. I was just too hungry to notice something else besides food xD. We all had great two hours. Hunter and me hit it off at once. We started from making fun of Travis. Drew… well, he’s another story. Not that he’s shy or something, he just doesn’t let me in. I mean, Dan, Hunter and, first of all, Travis were receptive and friendly from the first second. Drew was just not into that. Well, we were actually talking, but…not having fun. Though I admit that he’s a good guy, obviously. The common conversation was spinning around our childhoods, funny and awkward cases at dates, coming tours and, well, today’s shooting. Two hours passed very fast and Bet came to take me to my (!) dressing room. It was another time to change my outfit and she promised it was the last one. And it included a white long-sleeved tunica with silver ornament and light blue denim mini shorts. No footwear, just blue nail polish. She arranged my hair in a wide, a little messy braid. There was no need to tell Bet would fix and refresh it for many times during the shooting. Also she revived my make up leaving the same colors. And we put on many thin silver bracelets. I was feeling myself like a hippie kid, to be honest xD. While I had time, I checked my phone. All messages I got was alike – how’s your day going? Also I had a voicemail. It was from Gerard. He said that he would come back in New York on Monday (today is Saturday, it means just in day!) and probably be in LA at the next day. It filled me with a unexplainable elation and put a happy grin on my face. He didn’t say anything about We The Kings, so he still hasn’t known. I decided to call him or leave a message when this day would be over and kissing Travis would be yesterday news. Gerard’s gonna flip out anyway though.