Don't Blame Me for Being Me

Chapter 73
I’ll never be the same if we ever meet again (I can't stop talking to myself, I'm a desperate cry for help)

The wanted Tuesday came with difficulties in the university and went on with big troubles in the office. The university shook a ground under my feet quite seriously. To the end of the month I should take two projects with many calculations and computer work. A week of hard work. Also I was on the edge of dismissal. It took me a lot of my nerves and a lot of composure to calmly defend myself and my professional qualities. What am I talking about? I had a shitty day. The shittiest of all my shittiest days. To the end of my working day I forgot about Gerard even. But he surely reminded me by his call I missed in the afternoon and returned him only to 4 p.m. I left the office building and all I wanted was simply going home.
“Hello, my darling”, I said with a tired voice.
“Hi. How are you?” he asked.
“Fine”, I didn’t wanna dive deep into sh… details.
“I’m in LA”, Gerard said.
“I’m going home. Come to me”, I eagerly suggested.
“I’m in LA, in a hotel. We all arrived last night after 4 almost non-stop shows. And now I’m bored, I’m tired and I need you”, he continued.
Then I noticed that he truly sounded wearily.
“Gerard, I really wanna go home. I’m almost falling off my feet. I’m tired too. Have a rest with boys then”, I said walking down the street.
“What boys? Mickey’s somewhere with Dasha, you could guess. Frank isn’t here at all, he left for home. Bob’s at friends and Ray’s waiting for his girlfriend. So they leave soon. I’m alone!” he sounded jokingly desperate.
I laughed. But I couldn’t find funny that, as it seemed, there was no free taxi in the city.
“You want me to entertain you, Gerard? I’m tired as much as you. Good shower and sleep are prior to me now, sorry”, I said.
“It’s okay. There’s a nice bath in my hotel room and a… a big, also nice bed. You’ll like it here. Just come, Ira”, he asked.
Finally I started considering whether to go to him or not. Sure, I wanted to see Gerard. The day was awful and I felt awful. And an image of my house was popping in my head and waving to me trying to get my attention. But I found myself being not able to refuse to Gerard.
“Where’s your effing hotel?” I said a little bit reluctantly.
He told me the address and the directions.
“I hope I’ll be soon”, I said farewell and hung up.
Well, I walked more and still couldn’t hail a cab. And there was nothing I could do but go by a bus. Spending almost an hour in heated and full of people vehicle was a perfect addition to my terrible daytime. Do I need to point out that the hotel wasn’t on a direct route of the bus I took? I had to switch buses for 5 times. And the last one didn’t bring me right to the gates of the hotel Gerard was in. I walked almost a block before I reached it. And I laughed hysterically (it wasn’t apparently sane reaction, but I couldn’t be angrier more) when it started raining halfway there. I stepped in a lobby of the hotel soaking wet, dragging two weighty tight-packed folders with documents from the office, glancing unkindly at everything and everyone. Gerard was waiting who-knows-how-long for me there. We walked in silence to an elevator and rode to his floor also in silence. I saw he was giving me confused looks which I successfully ignored.
“Yeah, it’s nice to see you, too” he said to me in a hallway.
I kept silence trying to calm down, ‘cause I finally was in the hotel no matter how I got there. I tried to block Gerard out of my anger at the world around.
“What took you so long and why you’re so wet?” he asked opening the door of his room to me.
I dropped my handbag and those folders on a ground with force right away and understood I couldn’t hold that back. I burst out.
“I don’t know! May be because I WALKED a block wearing heels? Don’t even ask why the hell I put them on in the morning! May be because I couldn’t get a fucking taxi? May be because I rode by bus? May be because I rode 5 fucking buses to get here? May be because I got under the rain?” I told loudly. “Choose whatever the hell you want!”
Gerard looked confused but I was unstoppable.
“Why from all the days in the year it’s today you chose to come?! It was shitty today in the university, it was shitty today in the office, it was shitty today outside the university and the office, it was shitty today in halls of the university and the office, it was shitty today in the kitchen at home in the morning, it was shitty today in the bathroom at home in the morning”, I stopped for just a second. “I can’t even remember what have been good in today! I told you honestly I wanted to go home! You insisted on going here instead and I suffered more!” I took off my shoes and with loud thumps they grounded somewhere in a living room.
And I found myself being not able to express my anger in words anymore. I just stood there, with a quite painful look on my face, opening and closing my mouth and with forming tears in my eyes.
“Hey, I didn’t know how you’ve spent your day thus far”, Gerard calmly reminded me.
He walked to me and enveloped me in a tight embrace which I was thankful for. I relaxed and could breathe normally at least.
“What was crashing here? I heard a noise”, we heard Ray’s voice and looked at him.
“It’s Ira’s shoes. They flew away somewhere into the living room”, Gerard explained simply.
“Is everything alright, guys?” Ray worried.
I smiled for the first time that day.
“Firstly, hello to you, Ray. I’m glad to see you again. Secondly, sorry for noises. I was just ranting. Thirdly, there’s no need to worry now ‘cause we’re alright. I’m alright or on the way to it”, I said calmly.
“Good. I have to go. See you soon. Have a good time, fellas”, he flashed a smile to us and left.
Gerard handed me a big fluffy towel. I wrapped it around my shoulders with a big joy.
“Thank you”, I sighed.
“So tell me”, he took my hand and pulled to sit down on a couch, “about your shitty day”.
Not only I took a seat next to him, I cuddled to his chest and told him everything that happened to me that day. He had no offence I was unwelcome right after coming here. He said he could act even worse.
“I don’t have clothes to change”, I stated solemnly.
“I don’t have clean clothes”, he chuckled. “these shirt and jeans are the only ones”.
“Gross. But what should I do?”
“You can always borrow Mickey’s clothes. He’ll forgive you ‘cause he likes you”, Gerard said half-seriously.
I looked up smiling.
“When did you get such info?” I asked.
“Right after I told him I like you”, the reply was simple and easy.
“And I like you. And with this we create a ‘like triangle’ ”, I snickered.
“A ‘like triangle’?”
“Yes. Like ‘love triangle’, but with ‘like’. Adoration. Fondness. Affection”, I explained broader.
He grinned.
“So where’s Mickey’s bag or whatever?” I jumped on my feet looking around.
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I took a shower, changed clothes and relaxed more. Gerard ordered a dinner and we had the meal together talking non-stop. We had much to talk, actually. I showed him photos from video set I had in my phone and shared my emotions about the whole experience. He was genuinely glad for me, that I had such a chance. I can’t say more, just that was a perfect evening. To 9 p.m. Mickey returned and was surprised to see his shirt on me xD. But Gerard was 100% right. Mickey wasn’t mad at me at all. Having an occasional talk we three watched a movie. I wasn’t focused on it as I was making some calculations for Monday’s office work. I had to leave them at halfway of the film ‘cause it was distracting me. I settled down in a bedroom with papers, documents and my laptop around me. I didn’t notice time passed by fastly.
“Do you know that it’s already midnight?” I heard Gerard asking and entering the room.
“Really?” I was surprised and looked for some time indicator.
“Really, really”, he said closing the door behind him.
I finally looked up and blinked some times because my eyes got tired.
“You just have relaxed and then you’re at work again. This is wrong”, he sat down next to me as close as he could because of the papers.
I rubbed my face for a couple of times and crashed back on the bed.
“I’m in a big ass at office. Only extra work can help me”, I tried to explain.
“I think we should go to bed now”, he said and began taking away my stuff from the bed.
“Where’s Mickey?” I asked.
“He fell asleep already. Dasha got him tired, I suppose”, he said and cracked a laugh.
“You simply envy, my dear”, I replied lazily.
“So change it. Get me tired”, he laid next to me.
We tangled our legs and moved closer. And make-out was wonderful. But we were both too tired to move further than that. So I took away from the bed all my stuff and went to the bathroom. A warm shower was a perfect R&R but I had to leave it soon. Wearing just a towel I passed by sleeping Mickey and returned to the bedroom.
“Can you steal another shirt of Mickey for me?” I asked Gerard smiling viciously.
“What about sleeping naked?” he wrapped his arms around me.
“You’re up about it? You’re so confident in yourself and your…willpower?” I wigged my eyebrows.
He bit his lip and kissed my neck slowly.
“And you?” he whispered.
I laughed quietly and nervously.
“Find me a shirt”, I replied and hid away from him under a blanket.
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Well, the fact that we (ONLY) slept together is very good. But the way we slept was horrible. I can’t understand how we managed through the night. First, when we just crashed on the bed, we both started tossing and turning. It was an usual way for us to adopt to each other’s bodies. Then, I suppose, we both fell asleep. Gerard woke me up because I grabbed the whole blanket. We fixed the problem and went to sleep again. Then I woke up because Gerard was holding me too close to him and it was too hot for me to bear. So while I was setting myself free from his grip, I got him awoken too. He made his revenge in some hours waking me up and JUST telling me I hit him in my sleep. I hissed him telling he could hit me back, but not wake me. We fought for awhile until we got tired and fell back to sleep. I woke up again at 4 a.m. because then Gerard had the whole blanket. To six in the morning we were lying wide awake, being hit and bruised, totally exhausted. After some long minutes of silence Gerard spoke up.
“So what we are gonna do about it?” he asked me.
“I don’t know. That was the most awful night I’ve ever had”, I said.
“Thank you”, he replied with an irony.
“As if you enjoyed it! I slept less than 4 hours, Gerard. You think it’s enough? Thanks Lord, it’s Saturday and I have no early morning wake-ups. Otherwise, I’d kill you, probably”, I said without a hint at humor.
“I’m gonna sleep in the whole morning and afternoon”.
“Me too. Go away and find some other place to sleep then”, I pushed him.
He laughed and fastly got on top of me.
“You want me to go?” he smiled so brightly that it actually lit up my mood and that morning.
“If we both want to sleep, then we should sleep in different beds”, I replied smiling already too.
“That’s not for always, you know. We will practice sleeping together”.
I laughed and kissed him.
“What our plans for the weekend?” I asked later.
“I’m going to New York and home tonight and I’m sorry”, he said.
“Cool”, it was obvious to see I was upset. “All I want is to spent the whole weekend only with you, really. I hope I’ll get that soon”.
“Next week. I promise. We can go somewhere like Chicago or San Francisco, if you want”.
“Seattle”.
“What?”
“Let’s go to Seattle. I would like to see this city”, I looked at him.
“Okay. Seattle. You and me. Great”, Gerard smiled.
“Yes, sleepless in Seattle”, I added with a grin