Don't Blame Me for Being Me

Chapter 76
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know This weakness I feel I must finally show (Will you take me with you?)

Days are passing fast. Gerard resides in LA now, occasionally going home to New York. Sometimes he stays at my place, sometimes he doesn't. The one who practically lives with Dasha and me is Mikey. Dasha and him took the room that used to be Dasha and mine. I wasn't against at all. They've been very good neighbors actually. Calm and polite. A couple of times we had double date dinners, it was fun.
One day Gerard met me after my university classes and we went to an Italian restaurant not so far from there. I was wearing a sailor style blouse and black high-waist shorts. I don't know who or what made my boyfriend choose those clothes, but he was wearing bright buttoned shirt, blue ripped jeans and a cardigan of horrible green color. I forced him to take it off in the restaurant 'cause that piece of clothes was making me feel depressed.
After typical "How was your day?" and little stories about it, I brought up a topic that had been bothering me before.
"Gerard, do you like the time we spend in my house?" I decided not to ask directly.
"Yeah, of course. Why are you asking?" He replied looking at me smiling.
"Okay. And are you okay to spend much time with Dasha and Mikey?" I asked slowly.
"I feel like you're up to something", Gerard probably thought I was crazy.
I sighed. I had so many questions leading to the subject I wanted to talk about prepared in my head.
"I'm just trying to ask you if you want to live with me in my house", I said.
"I live in your house".
"No. You spend nights at my house and have a couple of boxers in my wardrobe. You don't live there", I was afraid I sounded offended.
"Okay. You have a point here", he said with a serious tone but I could see his eyes were smiling. "So you want me to live with you, right?"
I froze for a moment. Do I really? Or was I just jealous of what Mikey and Dasha had? They were quite inseparable. Unlike Gerard and me.
"It seems like I'm moving too fast, but why the hell you can't live with me already?" I said. "And who anyway tells when asking your boyfriend to move in together means some kind of rush in relationships and when it doesn't? If I really want to spend with you as much time as possible, does it all matter?"
"Shh, Ira, calm down", Gerard knows me too well already.
He understood I was just worrying too much and babbling and saying nonsense.
"If you want us living together, I'll surely move into your house in a moment", he spoke then.
"Okay then, it's decided", I said seriously after a long pause. "So on our way back to my place, we go to a hotel you stay now to grab your stuff, right?"
"As you say, dear", he was obviously smiling at me now.
"Eat your pasta, Gerardinho", I stuck out my tongue at him.
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I made my way up along with Gerard to his hotel room. While he was packing his stuff, I laid on a bed to rest.
"You know what, Gerard?" I claimed for his attention.
"What?" He mumbled being concentrated on his clothes.
"That We The Kings video I was in is probably out already", I said.
"Really?"
"Yeah, I've got a call from Travis this morning. He said it premiers today at 11 a.m. at East Coast. The video should be on You Tube by now".
"Well, that's great news. Do you want us to watch it now or wait till we come home?" Gerard asked me.
"I don't know, to be honest", I shrugged off my shoulders.
"Let's watch it right now", Gerard grabbed my hand and pulled me up to sitting position.
He already put out his laptop and found the hotel's free WiFi connection. He fastly typed 'we the kings in'n'out official music video' in YouTube search frame. There was the video, already with thousand of views.
"I can't believe that so many people have seen me already", I murmured putting my head on Gerard's shoulder.
"Are you ready?" He asked me.
"The question is are YOU ready?" I looked at him. "You know that Travis and me did a lot of kissing there?" I smiled.
"You wouldn't be in that video, if I wasn't okay with you kissing another guy", he replied.
"As if I really cared about this side of the matter!" I exclaimed jokingly.
I saw Gerard frowned so I immediately reassured him.
"Of course, I cared, Gerard. Actually, it was the second issue I was worrying so much about. The first one was how I looked on a camera, obviously", I smiled and kissed his cheek softly.
"Thank you", he said and kissed me lovingly.
And long. And deep. And he put his laptop aside. And I took off my shoes. And he pushed me down on the bed.
"For fuck sake why we couldn't think of it before?" I asked slipping off my shorts.
"I don't know. Because we're idiots?" Gerard replied while trying to take off his jeans along with Converses.
The matter is that Gerard and me can't have sex in my house because of Dasha and Mikey. Okay, I can't have sex. I can't have sex when I hear people talking and laughing behind a wall. They are at home at the same time as we are. So there were only a few times when Gerard and me could get our sex time. Unlike Dasha and Mikey. We hear their sex life goes very well. While Gerard and me get jealous. So, yes, he's probably right - we are idiots who couldn't think of getting a hotel room and have as much sex as we can.
"I tend to think you shouldn't leave this hotel", I said lying naked under a sheet and observing our clothes that were scattered on the floor.
Gerard laughed.
"No, I'm serious. I'm moving here!" I sat up. "The idea of us living together means us having sex whenever we want, right?"
"Um, yeah, probably", I heard a smile in his voice.
"I want us to have sex whenever we want. Living altogether doesn't let us do it. I'm not happy about it. Are you?"
While I was talking, Gerard was quietly snickering. When I turned around to him with the question, he tried to make a serious look. I frowned at him.
"And what about 'Gerard, I want to be with you all the time, I don't want you to live in a hotel", he said apparently mocking me.
"Shut up. If you're eager to share the house with your little brother, just say so", I plumped back down on the bed.
"No, I'm eager to share it with you", Gerard murmured kissing my neck.
He quickly was all on top of me making his way with kisses to my stomach.
"Awww, that's so sweet of you, mio Gerardinho", I said ruffling his hair and smiling happily.
After some time we settled to watch We The Kings' video. There was new kind of emotions I felt watching myself in something like music video. Occasionally I was peeking at Gerard to see his reaction. He was mostly smiling. Even at scenes of Travis and me. I must confess I looked beautiful. And Travis too. The video turned out to be so wonderful that to the end I forgot it was me on a screen.
The video ended and Gerard and me looked at each other smiling.
"What do you think?" We asked simultaneously.
"You first", I told Gerard.
"You look so beautiful when you kiss", he replied with a boyish look on his face.
I burst out with laughter.
"You're better not saying it turns you on when you see me kissing another guy!", I exclaimed still laughing.
"No, I didn't mean that!" Gerard hurried to object.
"It sounded like you did", I said. "Any more thoughts about the video?"
"It's filmed nice, just what We The Kings needs for this song. What else? My girlfriend is the most beautiful creature I've ever seen", he replied with a serious tone.
"Stop it, you're making me blush", I covered myself with the sheet.
But to be true I didn't mean to tell those words. I wanted to say 'i love you'. For the first time to Gerard. Finally. But I got scared and hid under the blanket, like a child.
"What are you doing there, sweetheart?" I heard Gerard asking me.
"Nothing", I mumbled being angry at myself.
I sat up and took Gerard's laptop.
"Okay, it's time to read comments", I said scrolling down to the part under the video.
"I don't think it will be worth your time", Gerard said and I could felt him judging me.
Among of numerous "OMG, Travis is so cute" there was a couple of comments that consisted more words and more thoughts. To be honest, if I was on a place of any of those girls, I probably would write the same. Because, really, people, Travis looked so cute there, OMG!
"Guys, do you think it's Demi in the video?" I read out loud one of the comments and turned to Gerard.
"Is she crazy? Do I really look like Demi Lovato? Gerard, do I?" I asked.
He shrugged his shoulders letting me understand he wasn't interested in that issue. I turned back to reading comments. Surprisingly, there was a few more people thinking I was Demi Lovato. And surprisingly, fans of We The Kings are very polite guys. There was just four or five users that trashed the video and me in comments. When I was with Fall Out Boy on tour and when I dated Brendon I kinda get used to people talking shit about me. If anyone could take a photo of Dasha or me being backstage there and post it in the Internet, there weren't nice comments. People were assuming Dasha and me had been fucking the whole band. So watching and reading that people liked the video and my character in there was flattering and unusual. I went to Tumblr and was amazed to see fans made a lot of gifs out of the video. I headed to Twitter and found out my friends in famous bands have been typing about this video for awhile asking their followers to check it out. I did it too.
"Check out the newest video of @WeTheKings So happy to be a part of it. Can't thank you enough for this, guys!"
"Who wants to see the most handsome boy? Then watch @travisrclark going all sexy in new @WeTheKings video! Approved by my bf!"
"Are you ready to get going home, Ira?" Gerard asked so strictly and so abruptly I got scared.
I turned to him and saw he was all dressed. He was zipping his suitcase already.
"I feel like you're mad at me for something", I said shutting off his laptop and getting out of the bed.
"No, why you think so?" It was his reply.
I came up to him being wrapped in the sheet and put my arms around him.
"If you weren't mad at me, you'd warn me you were getting ready to go", I told him reasoning.
He looked puzzled.
"I'm right, Gerard, and you know it", I said and kissed him quickly.
I intended to pick up my clothes, but I noticed Gerard already did it and placed them all on the edge of the bed. I sighed. Another note to self why I love him and he deserves to know it by now. I threw the sheet aside and put on my lingerie.
"You know, Gerard", I called for his attention sitting down on the bed. "For a couple of days probably it seems like I'm looking for a perfect time or place or whatever to tell you I love you", I looked up at him.
He was staring back at me attentively.
"And every time I had that perfect moment, I just got scared and couldn't find some courage. I was ready to tell you this in Seattle! I was ready to tell you this in a phone call when you were in Indonesia! I was ready to tell it every day since. All this time I was afraid you think I don't love you or even don't appreciate your love to me", I kept on talking as Gerard took a seat next to me. "I don't know how today is different from all of those days when I couldn't speak up. I'm simply and not perfectly telling you I love you, too, Gerard".
We were silent for a long minute or two.
"Why do you think it's not perfect moment?" He finally spoke.
I looked at him.
"You're almost naked and finally telling me you love me. It's perfect, Ira. It couldn't be more perfect", he explained.
I smiled.
"I bet it can", I smirked and sat on his lap straddling him. "I love you, Gerard", I said kissing his neck. "I love you, Gerard", I whispered kissing his lips.