Don't Blame Me for Being Me

Chapter 7
I already don’t miss you, you’re already far away (there’s nothing surgery can do)
Today we’re leaving each other. We’re leaving for different countries. I thought I would be upset. We would be upset. But everything becomes simple and not quite original. We got across again.
********flash back********
Bren and me were packing my stuffs in my bedroom being completely unserious as usual and joking around. His cases have already stood downstairs and Dasha had packed her stuffs yesterday. So she and Ryan were in the living room.
Bren was helping me or something  but the most time he just was lying about my bed and studying my clothes, which I was throwing into my suitcase. I was packing gifts for my family when suddenly Bren got up and ran to me.
“What’s it, Ira?” he shouted showing a piece of paper. “What’s this?” he looked at me intently and being shocked.
“What is it?” I repeated automatically and took that piece. Fuck. He found an old note from that motherfucking guy aka one-night-stand-in-car. It had been an old story, he had nailed me down everywhere and sent such notes in big packets! One of those had been forgotten to be thrown out…
I was standing in front of Bren and thinking of right words. He grabbed that note and began reading.
“Honey, you forgot your panties in my car”, he read. ”Ira, what’s it? Who wrote this?” he asked.
I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep sigh. Explanations...
“Just one guy couldn’t fucking understand those simple words – we’re not together. But he was following me everywhere, going after me, harassing me. It was awful”, I tried to explain. “And he lied. I’d forgotten nothing”, I added with a weak smile.
“Well...”, he said.
“It was one night stand...just sex with a barely known guy. I know it’s kinda immoral”, I slightly smiled. “He thought that sex can be a start of relationships. I think it’s a bullshit”, I said.
“Well, I can’t say our relationships have started oppositely another way”.
I glanced at him with wide eyes. He looked just innocently. Well, he was kinda right. And I honestly regret our first...intimacy...was happened before we said our truly “I love you, you’re my everything”. I bit my lip and kept gathering.
“Well, when it happened?” he asked after a pause.
“Long time ago. No matter”, I replied quietly.
“It can’t be no matter. At least for me”, he said.
“I don’t understand you. It WAS MY problem and it can’t be YOUR one now”, I replied firmly.
“I’m your boyfriend at least and kinda have a right to know when it was and who”, he told.
“Oh and who?! Nothing else?” I turned to face him.
“No”, his look was undeniable and assured.
“Clear”, I sighed. “It was in September may be. The guy’s from my univer. Really, don’t worry, he sucks”, I tried my best to take that all normally. And patiently.
“In what part of September?” Brendon asked.
“In early part of September”, I replied with my teeth gritted.
“So it had been before me?” he made sure.
I glanced at him with a disgust. That’s what he cares about!
“It was before US”, I said and turned my back to him.
The only thing that bothers him is my possibility to cheat on him! I couldn’t believe he can be so selfish. Okay, he found out what that note meant. Now can he care about me? Can he say “honey, are you alright with it? Were you alright? What you felt then?” Can he do it??? But he was silent and enough time passed. Enough to think.
I closed my wardrobe and pressed my back to it. Brendon was on the bed crumpling that piece of paper. Boyfriend...boyfriend has not only rights. He has duties too...
“Have nothing to say after calming down your ego and checking your trust in me?” I asked.
He looked up studying me.
“I dunno”, he shrugged his shoulders. “May be no”.
*********Soundtrack – Somebody Told Me by The Killers***********
I was kinda surprised and suddenly just laughed. He glanced at me questioning.
“You can’t imagine how much I don’t wanna see you now”, I said calming down.
Question in his look just grew more.
“Sweetie, if the only thing that’s important to you in this situation was whether I was unfaithful to you, so I can say I’m shocked”, I said. “I told you that guy was scaring me and going after me everywhere for a week and more, every day and it was awful. And all you care about was just “hey, you surely didn’t cheat on me?” It’s all that bothers you?”
“What I should do else?” he asked.
“You are boyfriend. You should know”, I said sarcastically.
“And without irony?”
“Irony? I’ll show my fucking irony!” I yelled. “Boyfriends have not only rights you claim now. They have duties. One of them is to care about their girlfriends and their feelings. So I can say that week and that guy were the most awful events in my life. May be you’re just shy to ask about it”, I smirked.
He got up and I understood he was gonna escape the whole conversation.
“One more thing before you go. If some day I cheat on you, you, my BOYFRIEND, will never know it. Believe me”, I said and zipped my suitcase.
We both walked downstairs and didn’t say to each other anything. I grabbed keys of the house from a table. Bren and Ryan went out of the house carrying all of the suitcases to a taxi. Dasha and me took our coats ‘cause it’s a cold December in Belarus and walked out of our house.
“We didn’t forget anything?” I asked her.
“No”, she replied on her way to the taxi.
I locked the door and threw the keys into my handbag.
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Brendon and me weren’t speaking while we was on the way to the airport. I don’t know why we’ve got into one car. He could get into another one. But he didn’t do it. It was senseless to sit next to each other ‘cause I got tired of such his behavior. To get across each other all the time or from time to time (no matter) is anxious. Even if I tell myself that I don’t care it’s false. I always think of that what’s happened to me and Bren. I just can not to think of it. It’s part of my life. Then into the car I felt he wanted to do something that to leave well and not to remember bad what we just have had. But I was in integrity. I truly felt disgust to him and no sign of respect. To check our trust in each other is the last thing he could do for getting worse our relationships. They suffered in some of last quarrels much and this farewell one didn’t help, of course.
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So we’re waiting for our flights. Our flights in different sides, different corners of the world. Like different corners of a mind. I’m afraid my love can fly away like airplane we’re waiting for and crash somewhere far away and I won’t find any wreckage. He feels this too, I know. Now he’s sitting against me doing something at his laptop. I sent him message “U took everything u need? I’m just checking”. He received and looked at me. He began typing me back and I got that “Yeah. I’m just replying”. I threw my mobile into my handbag with an anger and tried to read some magazine which Dasha and me have bought today here. Then Jon took a seat next to me.
“What’s up?” he asked quietly.
“Nothing”, I said firmly.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I’m fine”, I said that to give Bren to hear. He looked up. I stared down at pages of the magazine. Jon was sitting for some time trying to make us get talking. But it didn’t work out. When the boarding for boys’ flight was announced I walked towards Bren. I decided. I wanna have a calm life without any quarrels. If it means ‘without Brendon’, so…anyway…it’s my decision. I came up to him. He was gathering. I patted his shoulder for attention. When he turned to me I began talking fastly not letting him to interrupt me or something.
“So, you’re leaving and it’s good. I don’t wanna see you, to hear you. I’m fucked up to bear such your behavior. You know what I’m about. If I’m bad so why we’re still together? I’m sorry if I’m not worth your trust but it doesn’t matter. I wanna break up. We break up. Or I break up with you. No matter. I wanna be alone more than I wanna be with you right now.”
“I have to go. We’ll talk later, honey”, that was all he said and he kissed my forehead.
I opened my mouth being in a great surprise. I could say nothing. I was silent. Bren gave me a farewell hug, and boys went to checking part. Dasha and me saw them off a little and then we took a seat back. I looked down on my shoes. Suddenly I giggled and then laughed.
“What’s up?” Dasha asked.
“i… i… made an attempt to break up with Brendon”, I said and chuckled again.
“Why?” she asked. “So you broke up?”
“no, I mean I don’t know. Yeah, I don’t know. He didn’t answer. I feel myself so silly”, I replied. “He fucked up. I loathe him. I’m tired of our relationship. This consumes very much time. And nerves. I want some calmness but it doesn’t happen. And I don’t feel or see that love to him I did before”, I explained and laughed quietly again.
“Calm down. If he didn’t reply, he wants to be with you and-“
“it’s the worst I wanna have now”, I said.
And we began killing the time till our flights reading or talking, listening to airport’s announcements or placing some our stuffs from one bag to another.
*****************************************************************************************************
After 7 hours of flying and two changes we grounded in Minsk, the capital of Belarus. We went by train further and reached our hometown after some hours. Brendon sent me message about their good arrival in Orlando. Ryan called Dasha and talked about it more detailed. =P
Anyway, I don’t care what Brendon wants. I’m at home. I put thoughts about us deeply away.