Addict
It's not easy being like me
Broken hearts and torn up letters
Girl you just can't dance forever
If you want to make it better...
I felt my feet going numb underneath me but I didn’t care. I just danced until I couldn’t hear the rhythm of the song that was playing; I could only hear my heart. Pounding. Pumping green blood. I was seeing all red and there was just one reason behind it but I couldn’t make my mouth just to tell his name. As I closed my eyes, the only thing I could see was his smile. It was motion of pure beauty, of arrogance and shyness as its best. It made me also smile but then frown realizing that I wasn’t supposed to have these feelings. Not for him and certainly not for anyone.
I danced until I reached the keg and took a big glass of beer. I looked at the color of the beer and realized that it was the color of his eyes. I drank all of the contents of my glass just to stop seeing that awful color. Unfortunately that made me think about him more. How the taste of the beer was bitter just as our ending. How it made me feel dizzy just like his touch, breath or kisses. But at the end, it made you sick of it and sick of yourself just for trying it, even though you knew from the beginning that it was bad for you. But just as the forbidden fruit; just touching it, having it, even tasting it, made you feel better about yourself and grateful that you had it just for a moment.
The timing matters just to take the dose
Empty pockets tell the stories..
I was getting a bit too mushy and I did not like it. It was affecting my cheery personality. I knew it was time. I had to take my dose, I knew it. My veins were aching for it, my throat was closing in and my brain was slowly shutting down. My feet were gradually getting heavier but I just ignored it all. I lazily carried myself up the stairs and into the bathroom. I looked at the mirror. I saw a grotesque painting. It was a girl. A girl with bags under her pale green eyes, her hair had a life of its own, her cheeks were incredibly red and her face was sweaty. With a laugh I realized who the girl was. It was me!
My face contorted with disgust and I just slipped down the wall. I couldn’t deal with myself. Not now. I searched frenetically through my pockets for a smoke, a pill, even a syringe, but nothing was there. My pockets were as empty as my heart currently was. I needed my dose and I couldn’t stand being stuck on dry land. Again, it was his fault that I had nothing left.
“Stop doing this to yourself!” he screeched as he took that bag of coke from my hands. It was for the first time I had seen him angry. His breathing was becoming ragged and his eyes were set to kill. I just chuckled and looked him in the eyes.
“Why do you freakin’ care? You’re nothing to me! You’re no one! Just give the bag back and leave.” I knew that those words weren’t true but I couldn’t risk my feelings getting discovered by him.
“Because I love you.” He said, his head hung low. His tears were sliding on his cheek and then flying towards the floor just to be shattered. His words hurt me. I knew he was just saying it to get me to stop from taking drugs. He was jealous and stupid to think he was more important.
“That’s what you say.” I went past him and just walked towards the dusk.
Close the doors but never look inside
Time will tell if all your love has died
I got up and shook my head to make it clear. With my back to the mirror I just walked out and closed the door. I closed the door in my face just letting my reflection disappear with a loud ‘slam’. I walked out of the house that held my biggest secrets. It didn’t matter that it was my party, my house or even my friends; I had set down the street with only one thing in mind.
Morning was coming quickly. The horizon was already getting colored by the sun. The battle between the night and day was being held in front of my eyes. I knew the day will win. Brightness, good, light always won. Not in my life. Shadows overlooked my past, evil was stirring my present and darkness was being overthrown over my future. Uncertainty made my hands shake. I took a big breath of air to calm myself and took a few pebbles off the ground. One by one I cast them at his window.
You'll regret it all
(Broken hearts and torn up letters)
Living behind your wall
(Girl you just can't dance forever)
And you'll never fall in love if you don't risk it all
(If you want to make it better...)
He had a confused face when he opened the window and yawned when he saw me. He made a sign for me to wait and that was what I did. I couldn’t make my feet to move nor did I want to. I was ready. I was ready to face the music. It was time to stop dancing around the truth and see the facts before me.
He came closer with an annoyed face. “What do you want?” his sharp tone hurt more than the question itself and I knew it was all my fault.
“I came to apologize. I’m sorry Joey. I’m sorry.” I said barely a whisper. His face softened and he smiled. His smile had a huge impact on me and just made me shed tears. Tears of happiness and relief.
“It’s ok baby. It’s ok. Come on inside and I’ll take care of you.” He said while hugging and caring me into the house at the same time.
It was the night I faced my fear.
It was the night that I got rid of my coke addiction.
It was the night that I saw light.
It was the night I got him back.
It was the night I became a sex addict.
Girl you just can't dance forever
If you want to make it better...
I felt my feet going numb underneath me but I didn’t care. I just danced until I couldn’t hear the rhythm of the song that was playing; I could only hear my heart. Pounding. Pumping green blood. I was seeing all red and there was just one reason behind it but I couldn’t make my mouth just to tell his name. As I closed my eyes, the only thing I could see was his smile. It was motion of pure beauty, of arrogance and shyness as its best. It made me also smile but then frown realizing that I wasn’t supposed to have these feelings. Not for him and certainly not for anyone.
I danced until I reached the keg and took a big glass of beer. I looked at the color of the beer and realized that it was the color of his eyes. I drank all of the contents of my glass just to stop seeing that awful color. Unfortunately that made me think about him more. How the taste of the beer was bitter just as our ending. How it made me feel dizzy just like his touch, breath or kisses. But at the end, it made you sick of it and sick of yourself just for trying it, even though you knew from the beginning that it was bad for you. But just as the forbidden fruit; just touching it, having it, even tasting it, made you feel better about yourself and grateful that you had it just for a moment.
The timing matters just to take the dose
Empty pockets tell the stories..
I was getting a bit too mushy and I did not like it. It was affecting my cheery personality. I knew it was time. I had to take my dose, I knew it. My veins were aching for it, my throat was closing in and my brain was slowly shutting down. My feet were gradually getting heavier but I just ignored it all. I lazily carried myself up the stairs and into the bathroom. I looked at the mirror. I saw a grotesque painting. It was a girl. A girl with bags under her pale green eyes, her hair had a life of its own, her cheeks were incredibly red and her face was sweaty. With a laugh I realized who the girl was. It was me!
My face contorted with disgust and I just slipped down the wall. I couldn’t deal with myself. Not now. I searched frenetically through my pockets for a smoke, a pill, even a syringe, but nothing was there. My pockets were as empty as my heart currently was. I needed my dose and I couldn’t stand being stuck on dry land. Again, it was his fault that I had nothing left.
“Stop doing this to yourself!” he screeched as he took that bag of coke from my hands. It was for the first time I had seen him angry. His breathing was becoming ragged and his eyes were set to kill. I just chuckled and looked him in the eyes.
“Why do you freakin’ care? You’re nothing to me! You’re no one! Just give the bag back and leave.” I knew that those words weren’t true but I couldn’t risk my feelings getting discovered by him.
“Because I love you.” He said, his head hung low. His tears were sliding on his cheek and then flying towards the floor just to be shattered. His words hurt me. I knew he was just saying it to get me to stop from taking drugs. He was jealous and stupid to think he was more important.
“That’s what you say.” I went past him and just walked towards the dusk.
Close the doors but never look inside
Time will tell if all your love has died
I got up and shook my head to make it clear. With my back to the mirror I just walked out and closed the door. I closed the door in my face just letting my reflection disappear with a loud ‘slam’. I walked out of the house that held my biggest secrets. It didn’t matter that it was my party, my house or even my friends; I had set down the street with only one thing in mind.
Morning was coming quickly. The horizon was already getting colored by the sun. The battle between the night and day was being held in front of my eyes. I knew the day will win. Brightness, good, light always won. Not in my life. Shadows overlooked my past, evil was stirring my present and darkness was being overthrown over my future. Uncertainty made my hands shake. I took a big breath of air to calm myself and took a few pebbles off the ground. One by one I cast them at his window.
You'll regret it all
(Broken hearts and torn up letters)
Living behind your wall
(Girl you just can't dance forever)
And you'll never fall in love if you don't risk it all
(If you want to make it better...)
He had a confused face when he opened the window and yawned when he saw me. He made a sign for me to wait and that was what I did. I couldn’t make my feet to move nor did I want to. I was ready. I was ready to face the music. It was time to stop dancing around the truth and see the facts before me.
He came closer with an annoyed face. “What do you want?” his sharp tone hurt more than the question itself and I knew it was all my fault.
“I came to apologize. I’m sorry Joey. I’m sorry.” I said barely a whisper. His face softened and he smiled. His smile had a huge impact on me and just made me shed tears. Tears of happiness and relief.
“It’s ok baby. It’s ok. Come on inside and I’ll take care of you.” He said while hugging and caring me into the house at the same time.
It was the night I faced my fear.
It was the night that I got rid of my coke addiction.
It was the night that I saw light.
It was the night I got him back.
It was the night I became a sex addict.