You Call it Misery, I'll Call it Love

The next day, I woke up to a sense of peace. Darren’s kiss opened a whole new world to my eyes. New feelings developed within the long moments on that kiss. Darren kissed me with passion. Passion that made me feel like he actually cares. For once in my life, someone cares about me. Cares enough to know why my dad treats me the way he does. The kiss showed me that there is love in this fucked up world of mine.

Darren dropped me off at my house late last night. My parents were both asleep by the time I walked through the door. I thought that my dad would have stayed up watching some rerun of a football game while waiting for me to get home. But, there were toy cars all over the house, so my nephew must have been over yesterday with my parents.

“Morning, sis!” Jessica says cheerfully as she walks into my room and draws open my drapes. “Sleep well?”

“Yeah, first time in months,” I say. Jessica laughs.

“Tiring day yesterday?” she asks. “Who’s your friend?”

The thing that absolutely sucks about Jessica is that she tries way too hard to be the good sister, the best daughter and the perfect wife and mother. She always sticks her nose into other people’s business. By other people, I mean mine. It’s my life and I don’t see why she’s always trying to get into parts of my life that I just want to be kept private. My private life is my social life, my school life and now Darren. I don’t want my family to know about Darren and I didn’t want Darren to know about my family, but obviously, I lost out on that part and am about to loose out again.

“Oh, we were just studying for a chemistry test. There’s a big project due this week,” I tell her.

“You’ve already taken chemistry, you aced it. You’re taking physics,” she reminds me. I wanted to bitch at her. Just tell her to piss off and get her fat ass out of my business.

“Well, there’s a big project due this week and we were working together on it.”

“We? Who’s we?” she asks.

“Jess,” I say sternly.

“What?” she ask, like she was doing nothing wrong.

“Please, stop this! I never asked you about your social life? So, why are you asking about mine?” I ask.

“Well, I just want to know that you’re safe,” she tells me. “That’s all that’s important to me.”

“Well, back off and when I need you, I’ll tell you,” I tell her.

“Fine,” Jess says, walking out of the room and running down the stairs. I sigh and grab my cigarettes out of my back pocket and climb out the window. I sit down near the tree and light up and exhale deeply.

I just want everything to change. I don’t care how. I hate living my life like this. In the shadows. My sister’s gotten everything. She’s felt absolutely no intense emotional pain. Pain that causes damage, the pain of abuse. She has absolutely no idea what I go through on a daily basis. I wake up in pain every morning, either from previous injuries or from the fresh wounds of the previous night’s beatings. Then, I somehow manage to put all of that pain aside and head off to school. My sister’s dealt with none of that. She’s been perfect sense birth and has remained perfect sense then. Some where down the line of my imperfect life, I fucked something up that my dad decided that I needed to pay for it. I don’t know what I did and I don’t know why my dad does what he does. All I know is that he beats me when he’s drunk or when something’s fucked up in either his life or my life.

I finished my cigarette and crawled back through my window and grabbed my school bag and threw it out on the roof. I then climbed back out and started to do some of my homework after I lit up another cigarette. I did as much as I could for an English project that is due sometime this week. At least I wasn’t lying to my sister. I do have projects due this week. I sighed as I heard the laughter from the backyard. My nephew Cody was taking his first few steps as a toddler. I carefully stood up and climbed back into my room. The thing that absolutely sucks about my favorite hiding place is that it’s visible from the backyard. All it would take would be for Jess to see me sitting up there. She’d automatically throw a huge hissy fit, telling my parents about how dangerous it is for me to be on the roof and how they should look after me. That’s the last thing I need. For my parents to take away this spot. They’d nail the window shut just for Jess’s sake, not mine.

The laughter continued. My parents and Jess and her husband are clapping like there was no tomorrow. I don’t feel guilty for not being down there. I really don’t. I love my nephew and everything, but I’m far too cautious about spending time with him in front of my family, especially my father. It just takes one simple thing that I do wrong that’ll trigger my dad into beating me up later on that night. I remember when I just was holding my nephew for the first time that my dad had to correct me because I wasn’t supporting his head enough. That night, my dad gave me a black eye.

It surprises me that my sister doesn’t notice the bruises and the black eyes. If she is so observant, you’d think she’d pay a bit more attention to those types of things. Maybe think that I am being beat up at school or something. Sadly, but not surprisingly, if the truth ever gets around to her, she’ll freak and pretend like it’s false. I don’t blame her. I’d probably do the same if I were in her position.

I dig out my phone from my back pocket and saw that Darren had not text me today with plans. He probably had a mountain’s height of homework to do, as do I. I sit down on the floor and start to play around with my math homework. It’s simple really, just a bunch of pre- calculus problems. I have a test this Wednesday. I hear my dad walk up the stairs, he comes to my room and knocks on the door.

“What is it?” I ask.

“Come on out! Cody’s walking and talking! You’re missing too much!” he shouts at me. I sigh. “Stop that!” he says as he breaks through the door, breaking the lock and running into my room.

“What?” I ask.

“Stop sighing you bitch! Come out of your room and join in on the fun! Why the hell would you want to miss out on this shit?” he asks me.

“Because I’m doing my homework!” I say.

“Don’t give me the homework shit!” he says as he kicks my math book out of my hands. The brutal pain in my right arm stings me. I look away. I feel a hard slap against my cheek. “I’m giving you two minutes,” he says as he walks out of my room. “Oh, and expect hell tonight,” he tells me.

I get up without another sigh. I walk down to the family room and put a smile on my red face. I see my nephew and he starts waddling to me. I smile and bend down and extend my arms out to him, as if to give him a hug. He runs into my arms and hugs me tightly. I stand up with him in my arms and smile.

“Yay Cody! You can run!” I say. He giggles.

“Aww! Mary got our grandkid to run!” my dad says. I look at him and then at my mom.

“Honey, it’s Mary Kate, when are you ever going to get your daughter’s name right?” she asks. My dad says nothing. He just continues to smile brightly at his grandson, but not me.

Hours pass. I spend the rest of my day with my family and playing with my nephew. We have a wonderful dinner that is cooked by my sister Jess. After dinner, she leaves with her family and leaves us behind with a ton of leftovers. I smile as I walk back up to my room.

I finish what’s left of my homework and am laying down on my bed when my dad enters the room. He sighs and grabs my ankle, pulling me towards him. I look up at him and he sighs again. He sits on top of me and pulls up my shirt and wraps his arms around my bare skin. He holds me tightly to his chest and kisses my forehead. I can smell the alcohol on his breath. I want to scream, but I can’t sum up the courage. His hands travel down to my waist and he pulls off my pants. He throws me back against the bed and pulls off my panties and takes off his pants. He begins thrusting himself into me and I scream out in pain. I try and try to push him off, but he’s too strong.

An hour later, he gets off of me and leaves the room. I look around my room and feel the tears streaming down my checks. I’m so exposed. Not only am I naked, but I’m in extreme pain. I can’t believe my dad just did that too me. He stole my virginity from me. I cry silently as I lay there in the dark.

My dad comes back into my room and throws me off of my bed and kicks me hard in any place he thinks is necessary. What? Was I not good enough for him? Is anymore pain necessary? To him, any more pain is necessary. Soon, he tires out and leaves me there, bleeding on my own floor.

I continue crying and eventually stand up and put back on some clothes. I take my bag and throw a few things in it and jump out the window. I climb down the tree and start running down my driveway. I find myself out in the middle of the woods a few hours later. I’m out in the middle of nowhere. I’m too tired to continue running any further. I find a place on the forest floor and fall to my knees in exhaustion. I soon find myself in a deep sleep. I’m so confused with everything that had just happened, but I know one thing for certain, I never want to go back home again.