You Always Go And Rescue Me

I didn’t talk to anyone about what was going on. I didn’t talk to Courtney and I didn’t go back to Marc’s. It had been three days and I knew Zach was going to be back from his road trip. I was actually half expecting him to show up in the middle of the night like he occasionally did, but he knew this wasn’t the time.

I worked relentlessly. I tried to say out as late as I could. It was late- well after dark- and I was tired. If I worked enough and kept myself busy then all I had to do was sleep and therefore didn’t have time to want to kill myself. I dragged myself up into my apartment and went into the unhappy home I had gotten used to. When I walked through the door I realized I wasn’t alone.

I was startled when I saw him there. I wasn’t expecting him just to show up, but then again I couldn’t avoid him forever. He looked distraught and exhausted and part of me was, in some sick way, slightly satisfied that he looked as miserable as I felt. He looked up at me with heartbroken eyes and I stopped dead in my tracks to try and catch my breath from the surprise of it all.

“Please…don’t leave,” he said hesitantly.

I didn’t say anything, I just stood there looking at him and all I could see was him with her.

He looked down and took a deep breath. “Were you with Marc?”

What? I made a face of absolute confusion. He was the one who got caught with another girl but he was questioning me on whether or not I was with Marc, and I had no idea how he even found out.

“Is that what you came here to say?”

“Just- were you?” He was frustrated but angry. I couldn’t decipher if he was angry at himself or with me.

“What does it matter? You were the one kissing that whore.”

“So you were?” His hurt was transparent.

“How the hell did you even find out about that?” I still couldn’t imagine how he even knew.

“Someone saw you leaving his apartment- wearing his clothes. You really ran to him? …Did you sleep with him?” His voice was elevating with turmoil.

God! Didn’t he know me at all? I might have been heartbroken, and I might have wanted to get revenge on him, but I wouldn’t have actually slept with Marc. At the moment I might’ve done other things, but I wouldn’t have crossed that line.

“It took me twenty two years to have sex with you and you think I ran and screwed the first guy who was interested? I’m not you Zach?” His expression turned from completely angry to looking like he was going to cry when I said that.

“Then why were you there? I know I screwed up…but if you’d just let me-“

I was boiling with rage. There were so many things I wanted to say to him that I had been holding in since that night. “Just shut up! I can’t deal with this,” I screamed. “All I see when I look at you is you with her! You come here after putting me through hell and accuse me of cheating on you?! You have the nerve to let yourself into my apartment, wait for me-after everything you’ve put me through, after all the broken promises-and all you can think of is how I might’ve hooked up with Marc?”

I started getting choked up. I could feel the anger and tears and I couldn’t stop them. “And what if I had, Zach? What if I did hook up with or sleep with him? What would it matter? You did it first! You lied to me…you did everything you swore you wouldn’t! If I did anything with Marc…if I let him touch me the way you do, or if I let him take me and do what he pleased…” I could see him wince and close his eyes in pain at the image of what I was saying, “if I had been intimate with him in any way, or felt his lips on my skin, would you be able to forgive me?”

This time it was him who was speechless. I could see the tears forming in his eyes as he registered the words that were coming out of my mouth. I was barely even to breathe from crying so hard when I finished telling him what I had to say. I just wanted him out. I couldn’t even look at him.

“Sarah…,” his tone softened, “please…I love you,” he whispered.

Those were the words I wanted to hear, those were the words that meant more to me than anything, but when I heard them I felt like throwing up. I felt like they were a lie and I let my anger at him take over.

“Don’t say those words to me…they don’t mean anything anymore. When you love someone as much as we did…you don’t kiss another girl.” My words paralyzed him temporarily.

I ripped off the necklace that he had given me, the beautiful key necklace that represented so much. I walked over and I placed it in his hand. His face was blank and paler than I’d ever seen it. “I can’t wear this. It doesn’t mean anything anymore either…” I choked out.

I saw the tears fall. He didn’t know what to do, but he definitely wasn’t expecting that. He looked up into my eyes and I could see longing and heartache, but at that moment I couldn’t even attempt to try to hear him talk. He’d done enough.

“You’re serious? Sarah don’t do this. Just talk to me.” He was hyperventilating, his breathing was becoming heavier and he was practically choking on his words.

“Just leave,” I whispered. I couldn’t look up into his eyes anymore. I couldn’t look at him without seeing the man I love’s lips on another girls.

He was shocked and angry and hurt, he didn’t know what to say. He did what I asked and he left. I didn’t watch him and I didn’t turn around- it was too hard. He turned to me though, when he got to the doorway and quietly said, “I love you…and I know you love me too…I’m sorry.” It was so low I could barely hear it but it made my heart hurt even more.

When he closed the door behind him I crumbled to the floor. I wanted to run to him but I wanted to punch him. I couldn’t believe his immediate reaction was to come here and try to make me feel guilty for going to Marc. I might’ve done something out of spite, but I didn’t cheat on him. I couldn’t believe what I’d just done. I didn’t want to give him the necklace back…I didn’t want it to be over, but I was so sick over everything that my emotions overtook my logic.

I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I didn’t want to wake up the next morning, I didn’t want to see anyone and I planned on staying home and doing just that but I heard a pounding on my door.

I lazily went to get it. Initially I was just going to let whoever it was keep knocking. I figured it was Zach, but after the look on his face last night I wasn’t so sure we’d ever speak again. When I opened the door I saw Courtney standing on the other side.

“Oh so you finally decided to open up, huh?” Her aggravation was apparent. I had been avoiding her for much longer than I should have.

“Not now.” I weakly said to her.

She pushed her way into my apartment and gave me the coffee she had gotten me. Then she gave me a hug and stroked the back of my head.

“I can’t believe what he did. I’m so sorry, Sar.”

“I can’t even think about it anymore…I wish it were that simple though.”

“I didn’t think he’d do that to you. Ever.”

“Looks like we were all fooled. I’m guessing Travis told you.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah.”

“What was that about?”

“We’re not talking. He told me what happened but he was trying to defend Zach and I couldn’t believe he would defend him. I mean, you’re my best friend and Zach hurt you, how could he excuse that? So then he said I was being irrational and got frustrated that I wouldn’t listen to him and that’s where we are. Not speaking.”

“I’m so sorry. I don’t want this to cause trouble between the two of you. It’s between Zach and myself.”

“No, you’re my best friend…and that’s way more important than some guy.”

“Oh don’t say that. You care about him, I know you’re falling for him.”

“Correction. Was. I was falling for him.”

I glared at her knowing she wasn’t being honest with herself or me and shook my head.

“I don’t know what to do. This just sucks.”

“Well, if it’s any consolation, I know Zach’s hurting. Bad.”

I tilted my head with confusion so that she’d continue speaking.

“Before Travis and I stopped speaking, the first thing he said was how distraught Zach is. He’s never seen him so bad. He said that when he saw Zach for the first time after everything went down that he couldn’t do anything. He’s barely stopped crying, he’s barely talked, he doesn’t care about hockey, they’re worried about him.”

“Well I guess getting caught does that to ya,” I tried to act like I didn’t care but the truth was that as angry as I was, hearing that he was so miserable, those words were like taking a bullet to my heart.

I sighed. “I love that damn boy. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much…I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

“I know.” She gave me a sympathetic smile. “I know. It’s all going to work out the way it’s meant to. One way or another.”

“I want to talk to him, I want to hear what he has to say, but when it gets down to actually doing it, I can’t. I don’t know what he could possibly say that could fix this, I don’t want to relive the image of them.”

“Well you’re still at the extreme anger stage. He hurt you. I could only imagine how you felt when you walked in.”

“You don’t want to. I still don’t believe it happened.”

“You want to come with me to the Knicks game on Friday? I have to work, but you’re in with the Garden- you can hang with me while I’m working. It’ll give you a distraction and me some company.”

“Alright.” I shrugged. What could be so bad about that? I needed to go be distracted and let my mind take a breather from everything…and it would be fun. After what I’d dealt with I figured it’d be a good opportunity to try to start living my life again, I mean, nothing else could go wrong at this point.