You Always Go And Rescue Me

I heard noises and beeps and my body was aching. I wasn’t sure where I was but I knew I wasn’t home. When I opened my eyes all the memories I thought I dreamt came rushing back and I started to panic. My eyes fluttered around the room I was in. I saw the nurses in the hallway and the heard the paging of the doctors and when I looked down at my side, I saw Zach.

He was asleep at my bedside, sitting in a chair but resting his upper body and his head on my bed, holding my hand in his. He looked so cute in his hoodie and for a brief moment I was able to push the horrible things I’d gone through that night to the back on my mind. I was surprised to see him, but not really at the same time. When I was out of it, I thought I could hear him again; I thought I felt him, but I also thought it was just the good part of my dream. I must’ve startled him when I woke up because in an instant his eyes fluttered open and his face lit up to see me awake. He jumped up and kissed my bruised forehead while he gently stroked the side of my face.

“Oh my God,” he sighed, “how are you feeling? Do you need anything?”

I shook my head no. When I looked into his eyes I felt a resurgence of all the emotions I’d been going through and I just broke down.

“I’m so sorry baby.” He hugged me close to him and I felt tears sliding down his cheek.

I was still raw from everything and still so upset with him, but at the same time I finally felt an ounce of comfort just letting him hold me.

He pulled away and looked me in the eyes. His eyes were filled with more pain and torture than I’d ever seen. “I love you and I’m not leaving you,” he was having a hard time speaking and his tears were flowing more freely, “My life has been hell since…that night…and nothing has any meaning unless you’re at my side. I know you’re angry at me…and you have every right to be, but I just want to tell you what actually happened.”

I stopped him. “I don’t care what happened. I don’t want to hear about it right now because I don’t want the pain I’m in to get any worse. I know what I saw… but I also know I’ve been miserable without you. I can’t win.”

“But baby, it’s not what you think-“ he was pleading with me to let him continue, but I didn’t want to relive that night along with what I had just gone through.

“I’ll listen to you, I will…but right now it’s too much. I just want you here with me, regardless of what happens between us in the future…right now I need you here with me. Despite everything and no matter how hard I’ve tried, I can’t stop loving you.”

He just looked at me. He was dying to keep going, but he knew now wasn’t the time to try to explain everything. Suddenly a wave of anger swept over his face and his focus became solely on Sean. I wasn’t stupid. I knew Courtney had to have called Travis, there was no way after she found me that she didn’t inform Zach.

“What happened exactly? Where did he...,” he took a deep breath, “I’m going to kill him.”

“No. He isn’t worth it. He waited until you weren’t there for me to make a move. He’ll get his.”

“I should’ve been there for you.”

“I pushed you away.”

“You had every reason. This is all my fault.” Yeah, it was. But I’d also made my own choices and sometimes- no matter how hard you try- you can’t stop things from happening.

I started to cry as I got vivid flashbacks of exactly what happened. It hurt, all of it. It hurt even more now knowing I had to live with it every day.

“He…trapped me in the back alley by the Garden. He made accusations…I tried to push him off me…” I trailed off.

Zach was using every ounce in his body not to flip out and stay calm for me. It was killing him to hear this. I knew he loved me, I knew he cared and no matter what we’d be going through I still knew with all my heart this would rip his heart out.

“You know the worst part,” I said as I wiped my tears, “yeah, it hurt and I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it, but the worst part was seeing your face in the back of my mind.” I couldn’t keep talking. My crying was too intense.

He squeezed his eyes shut like he was trying to make all this go away. I knew the pain and the anger and the trauma I was in, but he was feeling it too. We were part of each other, and despite everything he still felt like it was his responsibility.

I was numb to excitement. I was numb to everything. I spoke in a very solemn and stoic mood and I didn’t know how exactly I would pick up the pieces and continue living my life. I knew it was a start to have him here with me. I had heard stories of girls who had gone through what I’d just gone through and they said they couldn’t let their husbands or boyfriends or even father’s near them, but it wasn’t like that with Zach. He didn’t make me afraid and he didn’t make my body go into shock, he was comforting and he set my soul at east-even if only a little bit.

“When Courtney called Travis I was talking with Marc,” he said slowly. “I’m sorry I hurt you and I’m sorry I jumped down your throat…I’m sorry for everything. I knew deep down that you didn’t do anything with him and that you don’t have feelings for him…but I was angry. The thing was…I wasn’t angry at you or even Marc- I was angry at myself. I took it out on you and I’m so sorry,” he buried his head into me and he let out all the sorrow and guilt and frustration that he felt. I rested my hand on the back on his head and breathed him in, yet I didn’t know if I should trust him or not. I knew he was sorry, I could sense that much…I knew him and his agony was undeniable, but I wasn’t sure yet if I could let it go. I suppose I had to talk to him first, but tonight wasn’t the night. Tonight I needed to accept what had happened to me and pick up the pieces to my broken heart.

“Where’s Courtney?” My voice was raspy which I didn’t realize before.

“She and Travis went to your place to get you some clothes.”

“They went together? I’m guessing they made up.” I gave a weak smile.

“Yeah, they did. When we got here I ran to you and he was concerned so he came with me, but they realized they never wanted to be away from each other…” he said as he looked me in the eyes. I knew exactly what he wanted to say.

“Kinda like us,” I finished for him.

“I love you, Sarah. I can’t even try to explain what this is doing to me. I just need to know you’re okay…I don’t want to be apart anymore.”

I didn’t give any reaction. “I’m not okay. I don’t know when I’m going to be okay. And as angry as I am with you, I think my level of not okay-ness would be worse if you weren’t here. I just want to go to sleep, wake up, and have all this mess not be real,” I said as I stared at the wall.

“I’m going to be there every step of the way.”

“Really, Zach? You can still look at me the same way knowing he took advantage of me like that? You can still love me and think of me the way you did before? You aren’t going to get images rushing into your brain every time you touch me or kiss me or have sex with me?” I couldn’t help the frustration flowing from my lips.

“No…Sarah…nothing could ever hinder the way I see you. I love you and I’ll never see you any way but perfect. It’s you I worry about when it comes to that stuff. I know your heart and I know you love me…”

I closed my eyes tightly, shook my head and looked away. When I was able to open them and look at him again, I saw the genuine love he had for me and I knew he didn’t and never would look at me any differently.

I cried all night. It wasn’t a river that was flooding out of my eyes, but the tears never stopped streaming. I had my moments where I would break down and sob, but every time I did, Zach was there to let me cry into him.

------------------------------------------------

I went home two days later. Courtney had to work when I went home, and Zach was at the hospital trying to tie up some loose ends and grab my stuff, which left me with Travis. I found it odd that he volunteered to go home with me and talked Zach out of it, but I didn’t really care.

When we got back to my place I was trying to get situated.

“Listen…I know you and I haven’t had the best relationship,” Travis caught me off guard. “I’m sorry for the means things I’ve done to you.”

“It’s okay, I appreciate that Trav.”

“No, it isn’t, but here’s the thing. I didn’t come home with you to apologize. I mean, it’s a tiny reason, but I wanted to tell you something.”

“Okay…”

“I’ve known Zach for a while now. I’ve seen him before you and I’ve seen him since you and I’ve seen him with and without you. I know him, and I know he loves you with everything he has in his body.”

I smiled a half-hearted smile. “I know…”

“No. You don’t know. I was there that night. I was at the banquet.”

“I know you were, I saw you.”

“I saw what happened.”

I froze and my jaw dropped slightly.

“I know he doesn’t want to push you to talk about this, but I know it’s been eating at him night and day. He lied to you, yes, but none of what he lied to you about had to do with cheating-quite the opposite actually.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You don’t need to right now. It isn’t my place to tell you that…that, you’ll need to trust him on.”

“I don’t know.”

“Listen. He was waiting for you eagerly all night. We were all in a group talking and that girl, I don’t know her name even, she came with someone as their date. She saw Zach…she didn’t see him with you or anyone for that matter, and she went over to him. Zach didn’t even notice her. I swear to you Sarah. He didn’t even see her. She was getting all pissy because he wasn’t paying any attention to her and she caused a little ruckus until he did. She bumped into him and purposefully spilled her drink on herself…when he looked down to apologize to her, she- in a move of pure desperation- grabbed him seductively and kissed him. It totally caught him off guard and that’s when you saw him. You probably had your eyes closed or looked away or even ran at that point but he pushed her off of him. He never cheated on you and he never had any intent. He doesn’t care about any other girls but you.”

I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. It meant that everything could have been avoided if I would have just listened to him.

“Why are you telling me this? How can I trust it’s the truth?”

“I’m telling you this because I know that you two belong together…and I know he’s hurting, and so are you. I don’t know how to make you believe it, but I think you know both of us pretty well at this point, and you know in your heart I’m not lying to you.”

I nodded my head as my eyes watered. “Oh Travis, why couldn’t he just tell me this initially.”

“He was going nuts. He messed up, but he didn’t cheat on you…his fault was when he didn’t explain it immediately.”

I gave him a hug and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you so much for everything.”

Zach walked in the door. I ran to him and threw myself in his arms. “I love you…and I’m sorry for not listening to you.”

He wrapped me up in his arms and held on to me tightly. He breathed me in and let out a deep sigh. “I love you too.” He kissed me and we realized how foolish we both had been.

“You need to rest though, you need to sit down and eat something and just relax.”

“Don’t leave me, okay?”

“I wasn’t planning on it," he gave me that killer smile.

“Travis explained everything to me…I know what happened that night. What I want to know is what you were lying about.”

“I…I can’t tell you that yet.”

“What do you mean?” I was not too pleased with that response.

“You’ll see. I will tell you, just not today. You’re gonna have to trust me on this.”

I sighed in frustration but smiled at him in flirty anticipation. “Fine. Have it your way.”