All We Had to Keep Us Safe

We had Chloe in pajamas. We had her under the covers. We had all the lights off. But we couldn’t get her to go to sleep.

“Please, Chloe,” I begged. “Please just try to sleep.”

“I can’t,” she whimpered. “Teddy’s gone.”

“We can’t get Teddy back,” I told her regretfully for the hundredth time. “I wish we could. I miss him too.”

“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Bob whispered in my ear from right behind me, making me jump. I hadn’t seen him come close in the darkness.

Chloe didn’t answer me, so I sat next to her in the bed, rubbing her back while I waited for Bob to come back with his brilliant idea. He hadn’t let me in on the secret, so I had to trust that he know what he was doing.

When he returned, he switched on the lights. He held a mystery object behind his back. “Hey, Little Monster,” Bob said to her.

Chloe looked at him sulkily, determined not to say a word or even smile.

“I know you miss Teddy,” he started solemnly, “and Teddy misses you too. Before we left, I remember him telling me that if her couldn’t be with you, he had a friend that could. Her name is Nala.” He pulled a stuffed lion from behind his back. “Teddy sent her to keep you company until he gets back.”

She scowled stubbornly and looked at me, seeming to ask if she should believe him or not. I smiled. I’d told her the truth too often. A little make-believe couldn’t hurt. “You better believe it,” I confirmed. She still seemed unsure.

Bob stood, saying, “I can send her back if you want.”

“No, don’t,” Chloe pleaded, reaching out with a little hand. “I want Nala.”

He nodded seriously and handed her the soft stuffed lion. I turned off every light but the bathroom light and sat next to her until she finally fell asleep. Bob was sitting on the floor with his back against the hotel room door.

Careful not to bounce the bed too much, I got off the tiptoed to him. Sitting across from him wearily, I said gratefully, “Thank you so much.

“My pleasure,” he said, grinning. However, his smile faded quickly. I suppose he didn’t have much to smile about. “We bought pregnancy tests at Walmart.” He glanced at the bathroom.

I nodded. Without a word, I went into the bathroom. When I came out, he was exactly where I had left him. I sat in my original spot. “So,” I stated flatly. “What’s the plan now?” Or does the result alter the plan?”

He shook his head. “No, it just tells us what we need to know. The plan is to drive around for a few days and pretty much ditch everything Mark could find us by. Maybe after a week or two we could settle down somewhere.”

I nodded. We were both silent for a few minutes. When I looked up, I found him examining me closely, looking deep inside me, trying to see what I was thinking. To save him the trouble, I whispered, “I’m scared.”

His eyebrows furrowed together. “Mo too,” he admitted honestly and deeply. He scooted to the side, and I took the place next to him with my back against the cold metal door.

“What are you scared of?” I asked skeptically. I couldn’t imagine him being scared. He was so strong. I was the weak one, the one who was easily pushed around.

“I’m scared that your husband will find us. I’m scared he’ll hurt you by hurting Chloe. I’m scared that I’ll lose you.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. His confession made me even more nervous. “No,” I murmured.

“No what?”

“You’re not allowed to be scared,” I retorted sharply, courageously meeting his eyes. “I’m terrified enough as it is. Chloe is practically traumatized. You have to be the brave one, the one with the quick thinking. I can’t do it, so you have to.” I felt tears of determination welling up in my eyes.

He sighed, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “Okay,” he agreed strongly “Whatever you need.”

I leaned into my best friend, resting my head on his shoulder. I shut my eyes tightly, squeezing out hot tears. He was the only person there when I needed him the most. He was the only person I wanted there. I wasn’t allowed to want to be with Mark anymore. He wanted to kill us.

Bob just let me cry. He didn’t try to talk to me, and he didn’t try to stop me. I was grateful. He knew I needed to cry. “Why does he want to kill us?” I sobbed.

“I don’t know,” he crooned. “No one in their right mind that knows you would want to kill you. No on in their right mind that’s seen you would want to kill you. And no sane person would want to kill a child.”

“He is insane, isn’t he?” I inquired.

“I think so,” he answered sadly.

“He’s not the same person I married,” I concluded.

“No, he’s not.”

“But I still love him.”

Bob didn’t answer. In fact, he ignored my last statement. “How long had it been?” he asked, changing the subject to a more immediate issue.

“It’s been long enough,” I replied, standing up and going into the bathroom. What I found on the pregnancy test didn’t really surprise me, but it was still shocking.

When I stepped back out of the bathroom, Bob was sitting on the empty bed mumbling to himself. He had his elbows propped up on his knees and ran his fingers through his hair over and over. He finally looked up and saw me. His eyes were full of misery and exhaustion.

“I’m pregnant,” I said.