All We Had to Keep Us Safe

“What is he doing here?” Mark roared at me.

When I didn’t answer Mark, Bob got defensive, and he did what was probably the stupidest thing. He stepped between me and Mark.

“I came to visit my friend,” he explained peacefully. “I was just about to leave anyway.”

Mark clenched his fists and looked like he was going to attack him. Bob put his hands up in surrender, stepped aside, and gave me one worried glance. I knew he would be checking up on me later like he always did. He walked around Mark and out the door.

Mark glared at me. He waited for Bob to drive away, and the silence was heavy with vibes of anger.

After a few minutes, Mark took a step closer to me and asked venomously, “What did I tell you this morning?”

I looked down at my feet and folded my hands submissively. Usually submission was what he wanted, so I always tried that first. Anything to keep the yelling at a minimum.

It appeared that this time he didn’t want me to be silent. He grabbed my chin roughly and lifted it, squeezing my face too tightly. I let out a sharp breath right before he yelled, “Are you deaf?” His face was close to mine, and he was sneering. “I said, what did I tell you this morning!”

He let go of my jaw and thrust my head to the side so I could answer. Looking carefully at the wall, I whispered, “To stay away from him.”

“So why didn’t you?” he demanded.

“He’s my friend,” I choked out. My answer earned me a slap in the face. I touched my cheek in surprise, tears stinging in my eyes. I really believed he would never get physical with me again. Now it was a little worse. I didn’t understand what I’d done wrong. What other answer could I possibly have used that was truthful and wouldn’t earn the same reaction? I couldn’t think of one. The answer I’d given was the most peaceful one possible. And still he had hit me.

“Not anymore,” Mark hissed. “If I ever see you or find out you were near him or talking to him again, there will be hell to pay.”

A tear slipped from my eye. I couldn’t do that. I wasn’t going to five in that easily, even though I did about everything else. Bob was different. I owed my friendship to him. So I asked in a quiet whimper, “Why can’t I be his friend?”

Mark grabbed my wrists tightly, clasped them behind my back, and pressed his body against mine. “Because I said so,” he yelled loudly.

I flinched away from him, but I wasn’t worried about the sharp pain in my wrists or the stinging on my face. I only hoped that he wasn’t yelling loud enough to wake Chloe up. I just nodded, and he released me. I went to take a shower to give him time to cool down.

I knew this was the end of it. I’d been with him for years, and it was going to be almost unbearable. I just couldn’t stand it anymore. It was too complicated, too painful. I was going to have to end my friendship with Bob. I had a duty to my husband.

Sitting on the bathroom floor, I took out my cell phone. I couldn’t afford to call him because Mark might hear. So I started typing in a text message. I sobbed while I thought of what to say to him.

Bob, I’m so sorry. You’ve been a great friend. You don’t deserve this, and you’re welcome to hate me for it, but I can’t be your friend anymore. I can’t spend time with you. It’s too hard for me. Mark is my husband. He’s more important. I won’t answer you after this. Love, Jade.

I hit the send button and wiped the tears from my eyes. Mark couldn’t see that I’d been crying. I stood up. I felt like a rebellious teenager again, hiding in the bathroom to send someone I shouldn’t be talking to a text message.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I still could’ve passed as a teenager. I was frail and small, and for the most part my face looked young. I felt especially young and vulnerable today. My cheek and chin were slowly turning purple. I looked down at my wrists. There were blue marks where his fingers had been. More physical marks proving that he’d hurt me. More things to hide.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. For a second I wanted to delete Bob’s reply without reading it. I should have, but I couldn’t do it. I needed to know what he had to say. I owed him that.

I’m sorry too. I’ll never find another friend who understands me like you. I hope everything works out in your life, and you have a better one than I have. Just please let me know every day if you’re okay. Just so I know. Love, Bob.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I wish he would’ve gotten mad at me. It would’ve been so much easier to let him go. But now I knew he still cared. He wanted me to just ell him I was okay every day. I’d never seen him put so many emotions into words before either.

I got a headache from holding back the tears. I could not text him back. If I did now, he would expect it every day, and I couldn’t do that. First of all, it would only make it harder to distance myself from him. Second, Mark would check my phone records. I knew he would do everything to make sure I obeyed him.

Bob sent me another text. Apparently he’d forgotten to say something. I opened it and read, P.S. If you ever change your mind or even just want to talk and then ignore me again, I’m here. I’ve got nowhere else to go. I also wanted to point out that you said he’s more important than me. That’s great, but where do you fit in? Are you important to yourself?

I stared at his question in disbelief. It really struck me somehow, even though I already knew the answer. Besides Bob, Mark and Chloe were both more important to me than myself. I didn’t see a problem with that. I just wanted to protect my family.

I climbed into bed next to Mark. He was already sleeping. Hot, silent tears poured from my eyes, and I cried myself to sleep that night because I’d lost my best friend.