All We Had to Keep Us Safe

Mark got home just as I was finishing dinner. I sensed his mood immediately. He was sorry. Every move he made could be interpreted as apologetic. Although he didn’t say anything about my arm, I think it was only because Chloe was around.

Once she was in bed, though, he came to me and kissed my forehead. “I’m so sorry, sweet,” he said sincerely.

“It’s alright,” I mumbled.

“Is it broken?” he inquired.

I nodded mutely, and he kissed me again.

“I didn’t mean to do it, really,” he said almost pleadingly, looking deep into my eyes.

“I know,” I replied, feeling comfortable. Take that, Bob. You didn’t even know what you were talking about, I thought to myself.

Mark didn’t even ask how I had gotten to the hospital, and I was very thankful for that. I suppose he just assumed I drove myself.

While we were getting ready for bed, he told me, “Hey, I’ve got to go on a business trip to Boston next Saturday. I’ll be gone for a week.”

I frowned. “Mark, don’t you know Chloe’s third birthday is next Sunday?” I asked, feeling disappointed. Was he really going to miss it? I mean, Chloe didn’t really have any friends, so it would’ve just been Mark and I celebrating with her. It wouldn’t be much of a party without him.

His distressed look told me he’d already known this. “I know,” he admitted, sighing. “I did everything I could to get them to change the trip or even postpone it. I’m sorry, Jade.”

I shrugged. “If there’s nothing you can do, there’s nothing you can do,” I agreed sadly. “Thanks for trying.”

He nodded solemnly, and we went to sleep.

The days between then and the Saturday morning before he left blurred together. Chloe kept her distance from Mark. Although she was young, I guessed she probably understood more than I expected. She was a lot quieter than usual.

It seemed like a normal morning, except that Mark had all his bags packed. “Don’t forget to say goodbye to Daddy,” I said to Chloe while we were eating breakfast. Despite her modesty, she gave him a hug and a kiss.

Mark ate his toast, read the newspaper, and opened a few letters. Just before glancing at the last letter, he smiled at me and said, “I’ll miss you, Jade.” Before I could answer, he looked at the piece of paper, and his sweet smile turned into an unhappy frown. Chloe watched anxiously from her chair across the table, sensing something was wrong just like I did.

Mark got up and strode towards me briskly, still clutching the piece of paper. I instinctively took a step away from him, but my back touched the kitchen counter, and I could retreat no more. What had made him so angry all of a sudden?

“What’s this?” he yelled, shoving the paper in my face and pointing to a list of phone numbers.

It was a list of every call I’d made in the past months. Every number was just Mark’s number repeated except for a few in the beginning of the month and one about a week before. Next to the out-of-place numbers was a name: Bob Bryar. I couldn’t believe he actually spent extra money to track my calls. I was in huge trouble now.

I looked at my feet, unable to answer. What could I say? There was no right answer to this question, or at least there was no safe one.

He threw the paper onto the ground. “I can’t believe you called him!” he yelled loudly, getting in my face. “You just couldn’t say goodbye to him, could you? You just couldn’t leave him alone?”

“He’s my friend,” I choked out timidly.

He slapped me again. “That’s bull! It’s bull shit! If he was just your friend, you would’ve listened to me!” he screamed. “Aren’t you just a lying, cheating slut! You can’t just be happy with me?”

This time he punched me – hard – right next to my eye. I cried out. Tears immediately escaped my eyes, and I felt not only tears but blood dripping down my face. It was getting in my right eye, and where he punched me hurt so bad I kept on whimpering.

Mark took a step back and narrowed his eyes at me. “You deserve this, whore,” he spat. “No matter what you think, you deserve this. And don’t you ever go to the police about this. If you do, I’ll damn well tell them what you did, and you’ll be serving more time than me.”

With that, he threw his plate on the wood floor of the kitchen. As it broke into pieces, he took his bags, loaded them into his car, and left to catch his flight.

Still sobbing, I slid down the counter until I was sitting. I held my bloody face in my hands, more shocked than ever. He’s done it again, and this time it was even worse. How bad would it be the next time? How far would he go? What if he accidentally killed me?

But it wasn’t only the physical pain that made me cry. I couldn’t erase the image of his eyes when he’d looked at me. They were so full of rage, but behind the uncontrollable anger I’d seen hate, and that’s what hurt the most. Sure, he would come home and still love me, but what about the next time he was mad? Would that hate return?

I felt tiny arms wrap around me, but it only made me cry harder. Chloe, my baby girl, had just witnessed everything. “Mommy,” she asked in a shaky voice, “what’s a whore?”

I sobbed, and Bob’s words echoed inside my head. What if he hits you in front of Chloe? What would that teach her? He was right about that. It was very, very bad for such young eyes and ears to see and hear these things.

What if he hits her too? Bob’s words were not hard to recall. Mark had promised never to hit me again, but look what had happened? What if she upset him when she got older? Would he lay a hand on his daughter? I couldn’t imagine it, but I hadn’t expected him to beat me either.

If you won’t leave him for yourself, do it to protect her. The sentence cut deeper than anything he’d said before that. I couldn’t leave Mark. I loved him. How could I just leave? But Bob had already answered that question too. I would do what was best for her without letting selfishness cloud my judgment.

Was it true? Was I only being selfish? I needed time to think. I got up to clean my cut.