Black Fire
3 - My Smartass Clock and My Moody Brother
Billy advised me to go to bed early, at 9:30, because there would be a surprise waiting for me in the morning.
Still lying awake in my bed, I heaved another sigh and glanced over at my clock - again. "10:37 PM," the cherry red numbers taunted, "just like last time you checked."
"Okay, Shane," I whispered to myself, "now you're assigning dialogue and an attitude to the furniture - sure sign you're mental or sleep-deprived...or, considering that you are now also talking to yourself, strictly in second-person might I/you/we add, both." I flopped over quickly to lie on my stomach, bury my face in a pillow, and released my irritated energy in a sound somewhere between a groan and a grumble.
For the past hour I'd been lying awake in bed thinking about Jacob.
Have you picked up yet that my love for my half-brother extends further than that? Enough tip-toeing around the point - I like Jake...like...like. I don't know that I'm in love with him per se - yet - but I know that I could fall that far.
How wrong...
How sick...
How depraved and twisted...
How...how was it that I hardly seemed to care?
I know it's fucked up and sick and wrong and depraved and twisted, and I don't want to feel that way for him. But, no matter how fucked up it makes me, I still just feel what I feel.
No matter how twisted it is, I still love Jacob like a big sister should; I still care for him, and I still have those thoughts big sisters do for their baby brothers. I still want what's best for him. It's just that there are extra thoughts and feelings - something similar, but deeper.
I didn't realize I felt that way until a couple days after I came up for my last visit, but I figure I did feel it before then and just never let it sink into my mind. I don't think I ever seriously thought I could feel that way; it was something else, anything else, anything but that. That didn't happen, I thought - not really. That sort of thing just didn't happen to normal people.
'Since when have you or your family ever been normal,' a little voice in the back of my head asked. I didn't even try to answer. The voice had a valid point, even if it didn't help me.
I sighed as my mind began to wander, and it soon paused on the thought of Jacob - in his bed, in his room two doors down - deeply asleep and safe; I noticed that I'd been really concerned about his safety for a while now. I knew, vaguely, about him running off last year. Billy and the others wouldn't tell me why he left or why he came back, so all I knew was that he'd left in the first place and that he had gone through a rough patch after he came back in early Fall. I only mentioned it to him once, and he just said he might explain next time he saw me.
The thought of him at home sleeping so safe and sound soothed me, easing my irritated and chaotic mind. With that thought still in mind, I drifted off into a slumber of my own.
I was awakened the next morning by a feeling - that odd almost physical sensation I'd associated primarily with being stared at. Through blurry, hardly-open eyes I thought I saw Jacob staring, but when I opened my eyes the rest of the way his gaze was focused on the Dir en Grey poster I'd hung on my wall.
"Dad told me to wake you up," he said simply, only glancing at me for a second. He turned around and started toward the door. "We'll be waiting out back," he added without turning back toward me.
What. The. Fuck?
Was it just me, or was Jacob being really...weird all of a sudden? Cold, even.
Regardless, I got out of bed and started on my morning routine.
Whatever was waiting for me outside would just have to wait until my breath didn't smell and taste like ass...or what I imagine ass smells and tastes like, at least.
Still lying awake in my bed, I heaved another sigh and glanced over at my clock - again. "10:37 PM," the cherry red numbers taunted, "just like last time you checked."
"Okay, Shane," I whispered to myself, "now you're assigning dialogue and an attitude to the furniture - sure sign you're mental or sleep-deprived...or, considering that you are now also talking to yourself, strictly in second-person might I/you/we add, both." I flopped over quickly to lie on my stomach, bury my face in a pillow, and released my irritated energy in a sound somewhere between a groan and a grumble.
For the past hour I'd been lying awake in bed thinking about Jacob.
Have you picked up yet that my love for my half-brother extends further than that? Enough tip-toeing around the point - I like Jake...like...like. I don't know that I'm in love with him per se - yet - but I know that I could fall that far.
How wrong...
How sick...
How depraved and twisted...
How...how was it that I hardly seemed to care?
I know it's fucked up and sick and wrong and depraved and twisted, and I don't want to feel that way for him. But, no matter how fucked up it makes me, I still just feel what I feel.
No matter how twisted it is, I still love Jacob like a big sister should; I still care for him, and I still have those thoughts big sisters do for their baby brothers. I still want what's best for him. It's just that there are extra thoughts and feelings - something similar, but deeper.
I didn't realize I felt that way until a couple days after I came up for my last visit, but I figure I did feel it before then and just never let it sink into my mind. I don't think I ever seriously thought I could feel that way; it was something else, anything else, anything but that. That didn't happen, I thought - not really. That sort of thing just didn't happen to normal people.
'Since when have you or your family ever been normal,' a little voice in the back of my head asked. I didn't even try to answer. The voice had a valid point, even if it didn't help me.
I sighed as my mind began to wander, and it soon paused on the thought of Jacob - in his bed, in his room two doors down - deeply asleep and safe; I noticed that I'd been really concerned about his safety for a while now. I knew, vaguely, about him running off last year. Billy and the others wouldn't tell me why he left or why he came back, so all I knew was that he'd left in the first place and that he had gone through a rough patch after he came back in early Fall. I only mentioned it to him once, and he just said he might explain next time he saw me.
The thought of him at home sleeping so safe and sound soothed me, easing my irritated and chaotic mind. With that thought still in mind, I drifted off into a slumber of my own.
I was awakened the next morning by a feeling - that odd almost physical sensation I'd associated primarily with being stared at. Through blurry, hardly-open eyes I thought I saw Jacob staring, but when I opened my eyes the rest of the way his gaze was focused on the Dir en Grey poster I'd hung on my wall.
"Dad told me to wake you up," he said simply, only glancing at me for a second. He turned around and started toward the door. "We'll be waiting out back," he added without turning back toward me.
What. The. Fuck?
Was it just me, or was Jacob being really...weird all of a sudden? Cold, even.
Regardless, I got out of bed and started on my morning routine.
Whatever was waiting for me outside would just have to wait until my breath didn't smell and taste like ass...or what I imagine ass smells and tastes like, at least.
♠ ♠ ♠
I know it's short, but I cut it here because:1. That's a good line to exit with
and 2. Right after this is Jacob's POV from 9:30 on. Now, I could tell you I cut it before the switch because it would be neater and more consistent that way, and I didn't release the one in Jacob's POV tonight because I like to do things in sets of 3.
Although that's true, I'll admit that I enjoy making you wait for it, and that was probably a bigger part of it. ^_^
What does the next update hold? : Did you like crazy clock-personifying, talks-to-herself Shane? Well, Jacob gets to have an entire extended conversation with himself in his POV, but he gets a bit too mouthy with himself and, after a bit too much self-accusing, he drowns himself out with Japanese Metal. (The song is in English but by a Japanese band) Listen to Clever Sleazoid by Dir en Grey in preparation!
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Much love! ~ <3