Black Fire

-Jacob-

From the second my head hit the pillow, my mind was stuck on my half-sister two doors down - 'as if it hadn't been since the minute I saw her,' I thought to myself.
'That couldn't be normal,' It had been a while, though. She was my sister - half, but close enough - and I had every right to have missed her. In fact she and I were closer than I'd ever been with Becca or Rachel; Shane was there for me when mom died, actually she was always there for me.
Even since the last time she visited, I had mentioned vaguely what I was going through with Bella and my problems with the other wolves and pack life.
Of course, I could never get myself to tell her about werewolves - because that was the easiest word to use - or vampires. I couldn't bring myself to tell her because that kind of knowledge could really damage a person's world view and she didn't need that; I would have to get approval from the others before I told her about us, anyway.
So, I had to put my problems into normal human situations to share them, but she still helped out a lot. I'd never been able to spit out some things, like 'the girl I thought was "the one", who I lost sleep and nearly limbs over, just gave birth to my sworn enemy's half-breed child' or 'the half-breed child of the girl I thought was "the one", who everyone in-the-know believed was "the real one", wasn't. She was born, I looked at her, and all I saw was a Porcelain-' 'Miracle Whip on Wonderbread white, nearly fluorescent' -'baby. I looked at the mom and, for the first time, all I saw was an even whiter girl, no more than that - and she stunk, too.'
God, I had issues.
In fact, I tried to avoid mentioning how I felt about Bella, and I never mentioned her name, either.
A thought crossed my mind quick-as-could-be.
'Nah'
...
It crossed again, more slowly. 'Maybe you didn't want her to know about your feeling for Bella for a reason.'
"No way," I mumbled to myself out loud. 'Why wouldn't I want Shane to know about Bells?'
'Did you ever tell Bella about Shane?'
'Well, yeah...sort of,' I replied.
'Sort of?'
'I usually told Bells when she wrote or called, shared a memory or two if it fit into the conversation,' I summed up. I wasn't really one to tell anyone else's life story, so that really was about it.
'Did you ever talk about her as "my sister"?' I was getting a really bad follow-the-breadcrumbs vibe from the other me in my mind.
'Half -sister. And of course Bella knew what Shaney was to me.'
'You have a reason for insisting she be called your half-sister, and you didn't answer the question.'
'You mean "because she is my half-sister"? You expect me to remember every time I ever talked to Bella about Shaney, just so I can tell you - me - if I ever called her my sister? I don't know.'
'If you had said it enough, it would be easy to remember. And you just admitted you talked about Shane a lot.' Now that was a jump.
'I did not. I couldn't remember every time I ever talked to someone about my dad or Bella or the Cullens or mom, either,' I fired back at myself. 'Does that have the same deep meaning for them that it apparently has for Shaney?'
'No, but right there, that is something. You keep using Shaney instead of Shane and Bella instead of Bells. And, you even said "my dad" - not "our," just "my" - which I find significant.' I hadn't noticed either thing.
'Well, I don't, and I'm you and you're me, so you don't either,' I hardly knew what I was talking about, but I knew I knew what I meant. 'Shut up.'
'You're even thinking about her right now. And that there, those thoughts about how her skin is the color of "sweet, melted caramel" and her eyes are like pure, dark Amethyst? Not brotherly thoughts.'
'Fuck off,' I growled at myself defensively.
'Oh, do you want to?' I couldn't stand that calm, indifferent, but accusative tone. I especially couldn't stand that some part of would even be making that accusation.
'Shut the fuck up,' I nearly roared, and I know I started to growl out loud.
'Because that's not brotherly love, Jakey.'
That did it - the thought that confirmed in what direction the other me was leading my thoughts, and the sound of Shane's old nickname for me used in that accusation - I couldn't take it anymore. I jammed my ear-buds in and pressed play.
"No. F*ck. No, no, no," I said in a low growl into the forest green cloth.
I was laying face-down, both of my hands clenched into fists behind my head pushing my face deeper into the pillows. The screamed lyrics blasting from my headphones were probably causing permanent damage to my hearing; I didn't care.
I realized as Clever Sleazoid by Dir en Grey came on that this wasn't going to work very well; Shane had introduced me to most of the bands on the cd. So, as Kyo screamed his lungs out with such lines as "Kill yourself; Think, you moron; Fall out of line, you cockroach," and "You can't save yourself; The dark dark Sunday, the blood stains; One day I will fuck your parents," I had Shane on the brain.
Placing the two topics of Kyo's sheepole-inspired lyrics and Shane side-by-side, my body started shaking with laughter, to where I pretty much had to gasp for breath.
I calmed my laughter to a stop.

God, I needed to sleep so badly - I was fucking hysterical.