The World Minus Him

It was late.

She wasn’t sure how late.

She awoke just prior with a bottle of alcohol in hand, diluted with tears.

She could feel the tightness of her face and smell the salty residue on her cheeks.

She was a mess.

She tried to think back through her headache to what happened.

Her mind was suddenly flooded with the image of her boyfriend’s skin pressed between the wall and another boy.

Why did he always do that to her?

She loved Ryan more than anything in the world.

Why couldn’t he just love her?

Love her the way he loved Brendon?

Have a sparkle in his eye when she was around?

Have a constant playfulness between them?

She was just asking too much of him, by her standards.

She held the world upon a string.

A world minus him.

Everyone loved her. Everyone wanted her.

She was the high flying balloon that never lost any of its gusto.

Infamous for her ever present smile and undying compassion for others.

If only they saw her now.

It was kind of funny that the person who made her this way was the person she loved so much.

She spent countless nights wondering if she should stay or go.

She always ended up staying though.

In hope, that one day she could be loved the same way as Brendon was loved.

By most standards, he was a good boyfriend.

He listened to her stories, told her she was beautiful, and kissed her constantly.

But below the surface, she always ended up on the outside.

The arousing text messages,

The smell of Brendon on his clothes,

The times where she actually walked in on them,

They were reminders that she was secondary.

Ryan wanted her to be happy.

He really did.

It was so hard balancing his extreme attraction with his real relationship that had become more a habit to him than anything.

Ryan and Brendon’s unofficial relationship had a strict “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy that applied to everyone around them.

The best kept secret.

They recorded their albums,

Did their interviews,

And played their shows all under a veil of confidentiality.

She was only a patch in this veil and she knew it.

So she continued to stay with Ryan.

Cuddle up to him on the nights he was there.

Go to lunch with him during the days he was off.

Pray that he thought of her when he was gone.

The stress of it all pushed her to moments like this one.

Alcohol, makeup, tears, and sleep.

Her ritual.

She stayed slumped in the corner.

She heard the door open.

Her head was still foggy as she looked up to see.

He was home and she wasn’t sure why.

“What happened?” he said coming over to her spot on the floor.

She didn’t speak, she couldn’t.

Her voice was too weak in her throat.

“Ry?” she finally choked out.

“Yes?” he said taking a seat next to her, against the wall.

“Do you love me?”

He pried the bottle from her hand and took a sip, “I think you’re great.”

She closed her eyes.

One thing she loved.

His inability to lie.

“How can you keep doing this to me when you know how I feel?”

Ryan looked to the ceiling in search for an answer.

He sighed, “Because I love him. You know that.”

He was quick to say that word only when he spoke of Brendon.

“Then why can’t you leave me alone?”

“Because you love me and I fear the pain you would feel if it came to that.”

“Yet you don’t fear the pain I feel now?” she looked at him.

He looked back.

Her makeup ran down her face and her eyes were intent on getting an answer.

He snaked an arm around her head and pulled her in towards his chest.

Her eyes closed and she smelled Brendon.

Although the smell was unwanted,

She was getting used to it.

She took deep, shaky breaths until she had fallen asleep.

She woke up the next morning.

Sunshine bright in the windows.

A note on the door caught her eye.

She got closer to read it.

Do the best thing for you.
Sincerely, Ry

He wasn’t in the house.

It couldn’t have been long

For granite was still fresh on the page.

She took a deep breath.

She could do this.

She had to do this.

It was her only chance.

She grabbed her things and was out the door.

This time was the last time.