Lie Like You Mean It

“Shut up and leave me alone. We have finals next week and I have to study.” Zero shouted irately to his twin who was tugging on his sleeve. He yanked it back and continued writing down whatever paper he was doing at the moment.

I, of course, was playing a random game. Albeit, one I’d already beaten, but it was my favorite so I decided to play it again.

“Then maybe I’ll just take Nicolas.” Mina said, making her way to my bed where I was. I looked up at her questioningly. I sure as hell didn’t want to go to the lake with her. Why did she even want to go?

“You know he hates the cold.” Zero stated with a bored tone from where he was sitting, not even bothering to glance at us. Then Mina took me up in her arms and shook me from side-to-side, hugging me tightly.

“That’s okay, I can always snuggle on him – that’ll make him warmer.” The apparent amused tone she used made her sound like she was kidding. But Zero saw this as a threat to his ‘plaything’ (plaything meaning me) and I heard his pencil snap.

“Fine. I’ll go.” He growled. Mina released me and then skipped to her brother, throwing her arms around him.

“Aww… you’re such a softie when it comes to Nicolas!” She spouted as she shook him in her arms. But that statement made me freeze and doubt that Zero hadn’t told her anything. But it was true, no matter how I looked at it. It was all true. He nearly beat up some kid because he accidentally drugged me (not saying he should’ve have done it anyways), he’s always keeping Cody away from me, and he’s almost nice to me. Well, nicer than he is to anyone else (besides Mina). I realized how obvious he was making any affection he could possibly have for me to everyone else and groaned at that insight.

“Okay, I’ll let you guys get ready.” She said cheerily and shut the door behind her as she left.
I jumped at the screech that Zero chair made on the wood floor as he stood up.

I stared at him for a second before asking, “You haven’t… told her, have you?”

He looked at me, dumbfounded; until he caught on to what I was asking. “No, fuck no. I wouldn’t tell my sister about something like that. Not that I don’t trust her or anything, it’s just… well, I mean, not when I’m still figuring shit out myself.”

“Could she have found out?” I was careful to keep my voice at a whisper.

“Well…” The tone of his voice made me panic.

“It’s all because you weren’t fucking careful enough! Why the hell did I go along with it?” I asked myself that last part quietly. But again, like the conceited idiot he was, he thought it was directed towards him.

“Because I took advantage of your weak physique.” Not what I was expecting. Not at all. “You wouldn’t fight me off. I knew that and I still- Fuck! What the hell is this…”

Yeah, but I could’ve at least said no. I could’ve tried to push him away. I could’ve given him a stronger hint using stronger words. But I hadn’t.

Apparently I liked thinking in circles. Progress never stems from circles. Ever. Progress within my thoughts was something I needed. I needed to understand this better, but I couldn’t. Zero’s thinking was much too impulsive and sporadic for me to keep up with, much less form theories about what was going through his mind. I blamed the lack of information I had on Zero’s perspective.

“Should we… stop this… whatever it is that we’re doing?” I asked slowly, letting it seep into Zero’s brain. But my heart was torn between wanting him to say yes and wanting him to say no. I didn’t understand what I wanted anymore.

He plopped down on his bed and rubbed the bridge of his nose as he always did when he got a headache. “I… I don’t know. How can you ask me something like that?”

“I don’t think things can be normal again.”

“Define ‘normal’.” He ordered, getting up from his bed to walk over to his dresser.

“Are you stupid? I mean not doing shit that couples do.” I said, my nervousness about this matter blatantly showing in the form of a blush on my cheeks.

“…” He was silent as I saved my game and then shut it off. “I want to do what you want to do.” He said, turning back to face me. Again, it wasn’t what I was expecting; not at all.
I had already made it clear to myself that I didn’t know what I wanted. But could I let him know something like that? Should I get an advantage on the situation? But I still wanted to figure out one thing – why his touch didn’t disgust me. Why he wasn’t like Cody even though he did the same things that Cody had tried to do.

“We can’t do… that if you don’t tell me anything.” I said, trying to find the escape I was looking for. That, and I wanted to know what he meant when he said I ‘made him remember’. He shut his eyes, contemplating. “Like I said the week before; kiss me, and I’ll tell you everything I know.” He had his eyes open now and he was looking at me.

“But you said you didn’t want to tell me.” I retorted, recalling his words from that day.

“No, and I don’t.” And then he pulled on a coat. “I’ll explain it the best I can. But not until you hold up your end of the deal.”

He left me in silence to get ready as he stepped out the bedroom door and treaded downstairs. I pulled on my coat, stripped scarf, and gloves and then toiled down the stairs. Mina looked up at me from her brother, with whom she had been chatting with. She smiled up at me.

“Ready?”

I nodded and let her lead the way out the door with a pail in her hands. It was cold outside – as expected. Zero dropped back away from his sister and by my side. He leaned over and then whispered, “She knows. I didn’t tell her. She saw us.”

“What?!” I yelled, but then I covered my mouth. Of course, it was too late. Mina was already looking back at me. She knew what I was screaming about.

“Calm down Nicolas. It’s not like I’m a homophobe.” She rolled her eyes at me and then grinned again.

“But you don’t-”

“Understand the nature of the situation?” She finished. “Of course not. But it’s none of my business, so I’ll leave it to you two to figure out.” Zero wasn’t looking at me anymore, but he was looking ahead to where the lake was.

“So, what are we doing here anyways?” I asked.

“Winter sandcastles.” She answered, giggling. Then she glanced over sadly at Zero. “We do this every year.”

There was a small look of surprise on Zero’s face but then he composed himself and kept walking. I didn’t understand what was going on so I chose to ignore it. But I hated not knowing what all those exchanged looks meant.

Once we were on the sand, Mina started filling the pail she’d brought with her in the shallow water. I mercilessly shook in the cold air as it seeped in through my coat, chilling my skin.

“Cold?”

“Don’t be stupid – you know I am.” I shot back.

“Someone’s defensive today.” Mina laughed as she started shaping the now wet sand with her hands, beckoning us to get on the ground to her level to help.

Zero shaped it with his bare hands while Mina and I wore gloves. “I guess I should tell you about this one time we made the sandcastle. We built it too close to the water and it was destroyed as soon as we made it. Zero actually almost cried.” She started giggling fondly at the memory. I laughed a little along with her. I can't imagine Zero crying, or even be close to tears.

“Really…” Zero whispered. I couldn’t decide if that sounded like a question or a statement. But for a second it sounded like he was just learning about it for the first time. Talk about repressed memories.
“Okay, what do you guys think? Wait wait! Let me take a picture!” She pulled out her cell phone and snapped a digital photo of the sculpture. “You guys get in a picture too!”

Zero stood up and complied with his twin’s request, pulling me alongside him. I was careful not to block the monument from view. Mina held up her phone and waited for it to focus. But I knew I shouldn’t have trusted Zero to be that close to me. But I didn’t think he was audacious enough to actually lean over me and then let his lips touch mine.

It was slight, like the first kiss. Only lasting long enough for the picture. It was, again, only a mere mingling of breath. I hadn’t even realized that his hand had made it way to my cheek, the grainy sand brushing against the skin. Our temperature differed this time thanks to my defenselessness against the cold winter air. I felt the reluctance in his touch as he pulled away from my face.
Surely I looked thoroughly shocked.

“Aww! That was so cute! Wallpaper material – definitely.” Mina suddenly squealed.

“Shut it. It wasn’t for you.” He growled back at Mina.

“Wh-what?” I asked breathlessly, still trying to register what exactly just happened. Mina saw the entire thing. And she wasn’t disgusted?

“Come here Nicolas! You still have sand on you.” Mina said, wiping the grains off my cheek.

“I-I want to go home.” I demanded, feeling even more confused.

Like I said, Zero was book-smart, not people-smart; therefore I couldn’t have expected him to know the proper etiquette about that kind of thing.
Mina saw my fidgeting and kept me by her side, away from Zero. I like that perceptive part of her – it was nice to have someone realize how I was feeling.