Lie Like You Mean It

The party was planned for this weekend. It was Tuesday. And unfortunately, I couldn’t skip out on school like the day before. And besides, even though I hated school, I didn’t want to get behind him my schoolwork. Mostly because if that happened, Dad’d get on my case and bring Mom into it.

Nothing really made too much sense to me as I sat in first period that morning. It was like I’d been absent for weeks or even months. I couldn’t focus. The words only spun in useless circles, apparently getting lost on their way to my brain. The only thing my mind could really settle on was the words that Zero whispered to me yesterday. ‘I missed you’ he’d said.

I don’t understand him. One minute he kisses me and tells me he missed me then the next he’s yelling at me or going off with that sad, depressing look in his eyes. I attempted to dismiss those thoughts; it was obvious he was just fucking with me. The kid apparently was out of his mind; especially if he wanted me of all people. So he couldn’t have wanted me. It was impossible.

“Hey, Nicolas, how are-” Cody’s annoying voice approached me after first period in the hallway. I looked over at him, puzzled over why he’d halted his speech. Not that I wanted him talking but still…

“What the fuck did I tell you?!” Zero growled at the boy. He was walking up to us with anger in his stride.
I didn’t know if I should’ve been relieved or frightened. I settled on both. But I doubted I was more terrified than Cody, who just stood there helplessly, his eyes begging me for help. Like I was going to help him, he attacked me! Besides, it’s his fault for still trying to stick so close to me even after Zero warned him not to.
And that’s exactly how Zero confuses me; he’ll defend me, keep people from touching me when I so obviously don’t want to be touched. But then he’ll go and do it to me just like them!

What the hell am I? Some kind of reward? A sort of sick prize to make him feel special because he’s the only one who can touch me? Was he even mildly aware of how any of this made me feel?

“Well!?” Zero hissed to Cody. Cody just stood there looking terrified. Then Zero sighed exasperatedly. Apparently it wasn’t a rhetorical question. “I told you to stay the fuck away from him.” He stated in a weirdly calm way. I guess he realized that cornering someone in a hallway wasn’t the best way to be subtle.

But Zero gave them some kind of look that kept them at a distance. Even Cody’s friends who seemed like they wanted to help backed off.

“Zero…? Zero!” Mina’s voice cut through the hallway as she made her way to us. She placed a hand on her twin’s shoulder. “Calm down! Come on.”

“I thought you talked to him!” Zero whirled around to face his sister. She turned to Cody.

“I thought I did too.” She glared at the boy. Then she grabbed Cody’s arm and slowly pulled him away from where I was standing. I supposed she was trying to make me more comfortable. “I told you – you have to leave Nicolas alone. He doesn’t like you like that.”

“You’re kidding right?! Nicolas doesn’t like him at all!” And as much as I was inclined to agree with Zero; I held my tongue. This was way too awkward to talk about in such an open place; I was surprised that Cody wasn’t blushing or phased in the least. I, for one, was blushing, but I let my hair cover that embarrassing problem up.

“Zero… you’re not helping. Just… go to your next class or something.“ She suggested. Then she looked over at me. “You go too Nicolas.” After I saw her look of sympathy for me, I walked off to my math class.
But Zero stopped me.

“Go straight to the library during lunch.” He whispered into my ear, his breath tickling my hair against my neck. Even so, I didn’t know here the shivering came from. I could’ve been from his breathing or it might have been from his close vicinity.

But during that class, I literally chewed my nails over just what exactly he wanted me in the library for. Did he want a cigarette? If so, how was I going to do that? I mean, the other times were in private, in our room. I can’t let him kiss me in public! But what would he do to me if I didn’t oblige? God, what was wrong with me? I was worried about someone seeing now; not the fact that Zero kissed me. Well, maybe the potentiality of someone spotting us is a lot more flustering than the act itself was at the current moment.

I burrowed further under my desk and hid my face in the textbook in front of me as I realized I was just some game to him. Get the kid confused and then laugh at him behind the scenes. Yeah, that’s gotta be it. Well, I guess he won his little game. I was puzzled over everything that was happening between us. I mean, he couldn’t possibly like me like that. If this was a game, I could just look up a walkthrough. Wow, how much of a nerd did that make me? Comparing real life to video games…

“Okay, on page 336, try problem seven.” The teacher announced. I glanced down at my book. Okay… this seemed simple enough.

But then a few equations into the story problem there was a complication. He was haunting me even in my schoolwork. God, why did his name have to be a number? I gripped some of my hair in my hand and tugged on it a bit, chewing my lip as I stared at the intimidating number. The fucking zero on the paper made me feel sick. But I swallowed hard and lifted my pencil to finish the problem. It wasn’t that big of a deal was it? No. It was some number that was printed onto a book. Simple text; not his name and certainly not him.

Luckily, I finished the problem before the teacher had to go over it and then the bell rang. In the next two classes, I tried to work out how I could get so intimidated by a number that just happened to be Zero’s name. And moreover, why did he have to be on my mind all the time. It was exhausting, really. It must be because we live together along with the whole, ‘he kissed me’ thing. Not to mention he got all obsessed with me telling him he was special.

Clearly he was unstable. And then there were more puzzling questions like, ‘why me?’ and ‘what’s he thinking?’ came to mind.

Then I realized something, he wasn’t like Cody. I let him kiss me. Let him. I shoved Cody away before he could even touch me. I mean, I didn’t give any reaction to Zero either, until I pushed him away the second time and tried to tell him off. But, still, I saw it coming. But I didn’t stop it. Maybe it was fear that drove me to almost-consent. Cody didn’t scare me because he was only an inch or so taller than me and he wasn’t as terrifying as Zero. But neither of them seemed to register when enough was enough.

Once the bell for lunch sounded I froze in the hallway. I was torn between going to eat lunch alone or going to the library where I knew Zero would be waiting. Maybe lurking was a better word to describe it.
He’d probably go to the cafeteria and drag me to the library if I didn’t show up and that would create a scene and possibly some unnecessary rumors. I rolled my eyes and regretted my decision (if you could call it that) as I turned for the library.

Slowly, I opened the library door and crept in. I scanned the room for the familiar black-clad figure. He wasn’t in his usual spot which made my heart beat faster. Something was different and that honestly scared me. I froze as my eyes hit Zero’s figure behind a book or two at a table in a corner. He was absorbed in the book in front of him and then he scribbled down something. My breath came out shaky as I inched over to where he was sitting.

I flinched as his stare covered me. He beckoned for me to sit in the chair next to him. Then he just turned back to his book. I nearly stumbled back in my chair as he reached around into his backpack to pull out a packaged cinnamon bun. He offered it to me.

“Eat it.” He ordered. Leisurely I bit into it. “I don’t want that Cody kid hanging around you anymore.”

“Either do I.” I agreed, nodding mostly to myself. How were we having such a casual conversation? “Um… th-thanks… for earlier.” I whispered. Not that I should really be thanking him; but I felt like I should be.

“That asshole should mind his own fucking business. I’m sick of him clinging around you.” He almost growled as he shut one of the books. “God, I wish I was still smoking.” He said. That terrified me. I was afraid of what it meant was going to happen next.

“Wh-why are y-you quitting a-anyways?” I asked carefully and meaningfully, trying to steer the conversation away from him needing a cigarette. Because I knew what that entailed.

“My dad wanted me to.” He sighed and let his shoulders fall. “He said that the old Zero would never have done that.”

“Huh?”

“No, it’s nothing.” Then he looked at me. “I just really need some nicotine now.”

Nothing else in my mind processed after that. He scanned the library and then turned back to me. I knew what was going to happen. And again, I didn’t stop it; I was frozen to the spot.

“Why do you hate me?” He asked suddenly. It wasn’t what I had been expecting, but in a good way.

“I-I don’t…” It was the truth. I didn’t hate him. As much as I wanted to, as much as I needed to, I just couldn’t. I really couldn’t.

“Whenever you’re near me, you freeze up and your face says you’re terrified.” He breathed. All of his speech was soft; not like the furious Zero from earlier when he was confronting Cody.

“Yeah, because I think you’re going to kiss me! A-and I’m a guy and y-you’re a guy.” I tried, keeping my voice low. I really did not want anyone hearing any of this conversation.

“But it keeps me from wanting cigarettes. I thought that was good.”

“But why does it? Why me? Do you have the slightest idea of how it’s been for me since… since…” The words came out of my mouth so fast that I didn’t get a chance to stutter.

“I don’t know.” I seem to be getting a lot of that answer lately.

“No, I want an answer!” I hissed; struggling to keep my voice down.

“You attempt to get close to me.” He answered. “You try harder than these… people to know me.” Then he rubbed his eyes. “Or something like that. I need a cigarette.”

His eyes searched the library again for any onlookers. Now I was sure of what was coming. I sat glued to the seat, knowing that he wouldn’t let me go very easily so I just stayed there.

And again… I let him. I let his hand graze my cheek softly as he brushed back my hair. I shut my eyes to conceal my eye color from him since my hair was no longer an obstacle between his vision and my eye.
His hand had planted itself on my left cheek. I was careful not to let myself shake as I felt him close the space between us. I felt his breath mingle with mine for a few seconds as if he were biding his time.

Please, just hurry up… I pleaded silently, afraid that someone might see. And then his lips latched lightly to mine. Like yesterday, our temperature was a perfect match. His lips just ghosting against mine, slowly brushing and then he pressed a little more against me. It was a strange mix of the previous two kisses. The force was behind it but it was gentle. He just stayed there for a few seconds, exceeding the length of either of the kisses from before. His hand stayed there all the while the act was going on.

Then he pulled away. I was afraid to push him away because it might’ve created a scene and I honestly didn’t want that.

“Help me put these books away?” He asked. Which of course, I obliged to, trying to hide the furious blush on my face. I took one of the books and shoved it back to its place on the shelf when I found where it was supposed to be. Back at the table, I picked up my backpack and slung it over my shoulder.

“Wait.” Zero called to me. He grabbed my arm roughly and pulled me into him. He only kept one arm around me as if protecting me. Through the gap under his arm, I saw Cody enter the library. I mentally groaned, keeping my resolve to stay quiet.

Zero lifted me a bit so that he could get us out the door about five yards away, all the while, shielding me from Cody’s view. So I admit – that was an unexpectedly nice thing for Zero to do. But when I think back on it, I remember that he hates Cody just as much as I do, so maybe it was just an act of spite against the kid. You know, keeping me (someone he wants) away from him.