But What We Have Is Real
One shot.
I tired not to stare as my boyfriend as he walked to the front of the classroom.
I’m not supposed to let anyone know what is going on between us, he’s not ready to come out yet.
Not even after a year, we still have to keep it a secret.
He still gets girlfriends, who think that they’re all that, and that Jack truly likes them.
But in reality, it’s me that he would go to when he wanted anything, physical or emotional.
I would still get them too, for just some reason, they’ve always wanted to date me.
And I always thought that I just radiated “gay guy!”
But, it was Jack that I was going to at the end of the day.
He’s the only one that knows exactly what I want, what I need.
“Alex,” my teacher called, I snapped my head in his direction, and way from my boyfriend. “Would you care to answer the question?”
I squinted my eyes as I looked at the board, but the letters and numbers just jumbled in front of me. “I don’t….understand it still,” I mumbled, looking down at my paper.
The teacher scoffed “If you don’t understand this by now Mr. Gaskarth, how are you ever going to graduate school?” he sneered.
I just bit my lip and continued to stare at my paper, that was full of doodles and lyrics that I might just use in a song.
Jack quickly went back to his seat next to mine, trailing, his hand over my shoulder.
To the unknowing eyes, it would have just been a friendly gesture, but, I know that it was him telling me that he loves me.
“How about you , Mr. Barakat,” he snapped.
Jack jumped a bit before looking at the bored “Uh, four?”
“Correct. Maybe you can teach your friend there how to do this,”
“Yeah, maybe a little study session,” Jack smiled, resting his hand on my knee.
No one else could see, but knowing that he was touching me was the best feeling in the world.
Our teacher rolled his eyes and returned back to the board, only to have the bell ring on him.
With a sigh of relief Jack and I got up from our chairs and sprinted out of the room.
I had to stuff my hands in my pocket so that I wouldn’t try and lace my fingers into Jack’s like we do on the back roads.
“So, are we doing anything tonight?” I asked, hoping that he’d remember that it’s our first anniversary.
“I dunno, I think I have something planed with Ella,”
I gulped “Oh, okay,”
“Yeah…” he trailed off as we stopped at his locker, sending me a weird glance.
Why must I be so caught up on him?
My eyes blinked as I looked through the hallways of students, none of them noticing us.
“Jacky Baby!” Ella’s voice yelled.
I sucked a breath in and moved away from Jack as he turned to wrap his arms around the girl that I’m extremely jealous of.
Why does she get to have him at school, when I, the one who he’s madly in love with, can only have him at night, secretly, not letting anyone know?
“Uhm, I’ll catch you two later,” I mumbled before walking down the hallway.
Quickly, I turned into the boys from and into a stall.
I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry.
My God, he drives me crazy, and forgets me in like two seconds.
Drops me as if I don’t even matter to him.
I could feel the tears slipping from my eyes, and I quickly wiped them away.
I should be used to this by now, he’s always pushed our relationship to the side.
With another quick wipe at my eyes, I left the stall to splash some water on my face.
The bell rang from outside and I quickly took off for my class, thankfully, I had Mr. Kerr, who doesn’t really care if I’m late or not.
Zach sent me a weird glance as I slumped down into my chair.
I just shook my head and stared at my desk.
Lunch time rolled around and I dreaded having to go sit with my friends.
As the weeks go by, I’ve been getting more and more depressed.
Jack has been paying less and less attention to me, and it’s been killing me.
We used to be inseparable, all the girls knew that if you dated one of us, you got the both of us.
But now, it’s like he doesn’t even know I exist.
Slowly, I walked the halls alone, hanging my head so that I wouldn’t have to look at anyone.
When I reached the table, I plopped down next to our friend Sarah.
She’s the only other one who knows about Jack and I, and she is sworn into secretes, not even Jack knows that she knows.
“Hey Alex,” she greeted me cheerfully, “This is my cousin James, he‘s shadowing me for the day,”
I looked up and waved, before dropping my head back towards the table, and resting it on my arms.
“Alex, don’t be rude,” Sarah laughed “He’s not normally like this, I promise.”
“It’s okay,” James chuckled.
“Wassup?!” Jack yelled as he sat down in the chair next to me.
His hand graced my thigh as he “scooted in” closer to the table.
My eyes closed as I turned my head to look at him “This is James, he’s Sarah’s cousin, shadowing her today,” I mumbled, sending my boyfriend a small smile.
Jack nodded his head and shoved a fry in his mouth. “Want one?” he asked, offering me a fry.
I nodded and opened my mouth, allowing Jack to place one in.
“Awe,” James squealed, “You two make a cute couple,”
Jack snapped at attention “what are you talking about?”
“You two, I mean. It’s obvious.” he said, I quickly sat up and gave Jack a nervous glance.
“We’re not dating. Just good friends,” Jack said through gritted teeth.
My eyes went down to the table, not believing that he still won’t tell anyone.
Sarah’s hand patted my leg, trying to give me some comfort.
James shook his head “I’m not dumb. You both just give off that Gay Couple vibe. There’s no use in hiding it dear.”
Jack shook his head “There is nothing to hide.”
I bit my lip to try and stop the tears that were threatening to fall again.
“Boy, does it hurt that he just leaves you like that?” James questioned me “That he won’t allow anyone to know about what you’ve done.”
I didn’t say anything, just twisted my fingers together.
“That proves it,” James said. “Maybe you should let your boyfriend know that he matters,”
Jack pushed his lunch tray forward and launched out of his chair “I don’t have a freaking boyfriend! I have a fucking girlfriend!” he shouted.
I flinched back and watched as he stormed out of the school, and let the tears fall down my face.
“Oh Alex,” Sarah frowned “Come on, I’ll take you home.” she pushed some hair from my face “James, you can go back to my house. You’ve broken enough hearts and relationships for today,” she glared.
“Sorry. It’s just, my gay-dar is never off. I thought they came out,”
Sarah shook her head and helped me up.
I fell down onto my bed and Sarah sat down on the side. “Is there anything that I can get you?” she asked.
I shook my head and pushed my face farther into my pillow.
How could Jack have just stormed out like that? He just left me sitting there, crying.
He’s never done anything like that before.
Sarah sighed and got up from my bed, “I’m here if you want to talk,” she whispered.
A sob escaped my lips “I love him Sarah,”
I felt her weight on my bed again “I know Alex. He was a jerk today,”
“He hurt me so much today. It’s our anniversary. One year today,”
“Oh Alex,” she rubbed my back as I cried.
I moved my head to her lap “I can’t believe that he just walked out like that”
“I know honey,”
I squeezed my eyes shut as my heart dropped down even more “He doesn’t love me,”
“He does too, Alex. He just isn’t ready to come out yet, you know that.”
“But….I love him,” I lamely whispered, wiping tears from my eyes, only to have more rush down my face.
She sighed and raked her fingers through my hair. “Alex. Go to sleep,”
“I want Jack.”
“Sleep first, Jack later,” she tried, but I shook my head.
“I want him to know that he hurt me,”
“He will,”
“I want him to know now,”
She sighed. “Go sleep,” she lightly pushed my head and rubbed my back.
With a sigh, I let my eyes slip closed, rolling off her lap.
I pulled my pillow close to my chest and shoved my face in it.
Sarah got up from the bed and I heard the door open and close, notifying me that she left me alone.
Tears spilt onto the pillow as I silently cried myself to sleep.
Over Jack.
Again.
When I woke up, I could hear whispers outside my door.
Rolling over, I strained so that I could hear them.
“You hurt him Jack,” Sarah harshly whispered. “You really fucked up this time,”
“I know,” Jack whispered back, my heart squeezed just at the sound of his voice “Just, please, let me go see him.”
“You fucked up big time. He was fucking sobbing on my lap before.” she whisper screamed.
I heard Jack sigh “Let me make it better,”
“You hurt him again, I swear, I’ll make you a girl,” she threatened, before the door opened.
I shoved my face back in the pillow, not wanting to see him.
Not yet.
“Alex?” he whispered, laying down next to me. “Baby?”
I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to ignore him.
Jack wrapped his arm around my middle “I’m so sorry,” he mumbled into the side of my head. “I shouldn’t have exploded like that. Not today, not ever,”
It took my whole body force not to roll over and let him hold me in his arms.
“Tomorrow, at school, I’ll publicly break up with Ella, and then after words, I’ll even walk away hold your hand. Because I know how much you like it when we hold hands.”
I sniffled, and pushed my head farther into the pillow.
He’s not getting me with these silly promises this time.
“I’ll kiss you in front of Mr. Speath,” he continued, “And let him know that just because you don’t understand the math, doesn’t mean you aren’t good at other things,”
I couldn’t help but smile a bit.
“And, I’ll even jump on the table at lunch, and yell to everyone that I love you. And only you.” he kissed the side of my head, “Please Alex. I mean it this time.”
I could feel his tears splash onto my neck as he tightened his grip on me.
I rolled over to face him “You don’t mean it. You never mean it,” I whispered.
“I mean it this time. If not, you can leave me,”
I shook my head “We both know I’d never do that.”
“I don’t see why you’ve put up with my shit for so long,” he mumbled, pushing some of my hair from my face.
“Because I love you, silly,” I mumbled, licking my lips.
“I don’t see why you love me either. I’m the worst boyfriend ever,”
“No you’re not Jack.”
He just shrugged and looked at me. “I truly love you Alex.”
“I love you too Jack,” I wrapped my arms around him. “Just, please, don’t go back on it this time.”
“I promise I won’t.” he smiled and kissed me, and I eagerly kissed back. “First thing tomorrow, I’ll break up with Ella for you,”
I let out a small laugh and clung to his body.
“Oh, by the way Alex. Happy anniversary, I’m sorry that it sucked so much,”
I just shook my head “Let’s pretend that it’s tomorrow.”
He just nodded and pressed his lips against mine. “anything for you. And this time, I mean it.”
I’m not supposed to let anyone know what is going on between us, he’s not ready to come out yet.
Not even after a year, we still have to keep it a secret.
He still gets girlfriends, who think that they’re all that, and that Jack truly likes them.
But in reality, it’s me that he would go to when he wanted anything, physical or emotional.
I would still get them too, for just some reason, they’ve always wanted to date me.
And I always thought that I just radiated “gay guy!”
But, it was Jack that I was going to at the end of the day.
He’s the only one that knows exactly what I want, what I need.
“Alex,” my teacher called, I snapped my head in his direction, and way from my boyfriend. “Would you care to answer the question?”
I squinted my eyes as I looked at the board, but the letters and numbers just jumbled in front of me. “I don’t….understand it still,” I mumbled, looking down at my paper.
The teacher scoffed “If you don’t understand this by now Mr. Gaskarth, how are you ever going to graduate school?” he sneered.
I just bit my lip and continued to stare at my paper, that was full of doodles and lyrics that I might just use in a song.
Jack quickly went back to his seat next to mine, trailing, his hand over my shoulder.
To the unknowing eyes, it would have just been a friendly gesture, but, I know that it was him telling me that he loves me.
“How about you , Mr. Barakat,” he snapped.
Jack jumped a bit before looking at the bored “Uh, four?”
“Correct. Maybe you can teach your friend there how to do this,”
“Yeah, maybe a little study session,” Jack smiled, resting his hand on my knee.
No one else could see, but knowing that he was touching me was the best feeling in the world.
Our teacher rolled his eyes and returned back to the board, only to have the bell ring on him.
With a sigh of relief Jack and I got up from our chairs and sprinted out of the room.
I had to stuff my hands in my pocket so that I wouldn’t try and lace my fingers into Jack’s like we do on the back roads.
“So, are we doing anything tonight?” I asked, hoping that he’d remember that it’s our first anniversary.
“I dunno, I think I have something planed with Ella,”
I gulped “Oh, okay,”
“Yeah…” he trailed off as we stopped at his locker, sending me a weird glance.
Why must I be so caught up on him?
My eyes blinked as I looked through the hallways of students, none of them noticing us.
“Jacky Baby!” Ella’s voice yelled.
I sucked a breath in and moved away from Jack as he turned to wrap his arms around the girl that I’m extremely jealous of.
Why does she get to have him at school, when I, the one who he’s madly in love with, can only have him at night, secretly, not letting anyone know?
“Uhm, I’ll catch you two later,” I mumbled before walking down the hallway.
Quickly, I turned into the boys from and into a stall.
I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry.
My God, he drives me crazy, and forgets me in like two seconds.
Drops me as if I don’t even matter to him.
I could feel the tears slipping from my eyes, and I quickly wiped them away.
I should be used to this by now, he’s always pushed our relationship to the side.
With another quick wipe at my eyes, I left the stall to splash some water on my face.
The bell rang from outside and I quickly took off for my class, thankfully, I had Mr. Kerr, who doesn’t really care if I’m late or not.
Zach sent me a weird glance as I slumped down into my chair.
I just shook my head and stared at my desk.
Lunch time rolled around and I dreaded having to go sit with my friends.
As the weeks go by, I’ve been getting more and more depressed.
Jack has been paying less and less attention to me, and it’s been killing me.
We used to be inseparable, all the girls knew that if you dated one of us, you got the both of us.
But now, it’s like he doesn’t even know I exist.
Slowly, I walked the halls alone, hanging my head so that I wouldn’t have to look at anyone.
When I reached the table, I plopped down next to our friend Sarah.
She’s the only other one who knows about Jack and I, and she is sworn into secretes, not even Jack knows that she knows.
“Hey Alex,” she greeted me cheerfully, “This is my cousin James, he‘s shadowing me for the day,”
I looked up and waved, before dropping my head back towards the table, and resting it on my arms.
“Alex, don’t be rude,” Sarah laughed “He’s not normally like this, I promise.”
“It’s okay,” James chuckled.
“Wassup?!” Jack yelled as he sat down in the chair next to me.
His hand graced my thigh as he “scooted in” closer to the table.
My eyes closed as I turned my head to look at him “This is James, he’s Sarah’s cousin, shadowing her today,” I mumbled, sending my boyfriend a small smile.
Jack nodded his head and shoved a fry in his mouth. “Want one?” he asked, offering me a fry.
I nodded and opened my mouth, allowing Jack to place one in.
“Awe,” James squealed, “You two make a cute couple,”
Jack snapped at attention “what are you talking about?”
“You two, I mean. It’s obvious.” he said, I quickly sat up and gave Jack a nervous glance.
“We’re not dating. Just good friends,” Jack said through gritted teeth.
My eyes went down to the table, not believing that he still won’t tell anyone.
Sarah’s hand patted my leg, trying to give me some comfort.
James shook his head “I’m not dumb. You both just give off that Gay Couple vibe. There’s no use in hiding it dear.”
Jack shook his head “There is nothing to hide.”
I bit my lip to try and stop the tears that were threatening to fall again.
“Boy, does it hurt that he just leaves you like that?” James questioned me “That he won’t allow anyone to know about what you’ve done.”
I didn’t say anything, just twisted my fingers together.
“That proves it,” James said. “Maybe you should let your boyfriend know that he matters,”
Jack pushed his lunch tray forward and launched out of his chair “I don’t have a freaking boyfriend! I have a fucking girlfriend!” he shouted.
I flinched back and watched as he stormed out of the school, and let the tears fall down my face.
“Oh Alex,” Sarah frowned “Come on, I’ll take you home.” she pushed some hair from my face “James, you can go back to my house. You’ve broken enough hearts and relationships for today,” she glared.
“Sorry. It’s just, my gay-dar is never off. I thought they came out,”
Sarah shook her head and helped me up.
I fell down onto my bed and Sarah sat down on the side. “Is there anything that I can get you?” she asked.
I shook my head and pushed my face farther into my pillow.
How could Jack have just stormed out like that? He just left me sitting there, crying.
He’s never done anything like that before.
Sarah sighed and got up from my bed, “I’m here if you want to talk,” she whispered.
A sob escaped my lips “I love him Sarah,”
I felt her weight on my bed again “I know Alex. He was a jerk today,”
“He hurt me so much today. It’s our anniversary. One year today,”
“Oh Alex,” she rubbed my back as I cried.
I moved my head to her lap “I can’t believe that he just walked out like that”
“I know honey,”
I squeezed my eyes shut as my heart dropped down even more “He doesn’t love me,”
“He does too, Alex. He just isn’t ready to come out yet, you know that.”
“But….I love him,” I lamely whispered, wiping tears from my eyes, only to have more rush down my face.
She sighed and raked her fingers through my hair. “Alex. Go to sleep,”
“I want Jack.”
“Sleep first, Jack later,” she tried, but I shook my head.
“I want him to know that he hurt me,”
“He will,”
“I want him to know now,”
She sighed. “Go sleep,” she lightly pushed my head and rubbed my back.
With a sigh, I let my eyes slip closed, rolling off her lap.
I pulled my pillow close to my chest and shoved my face in it.
Sarah got up from the bed and I heard the door open and close, notifying me that she left me alone.
Tears spilt onto the pillow as I silently cried myself to sleep.
Over Jack.
Again.
When I woke up, I could hear whispers outside my door.
Rolling over, I strained so that I could hear them.
“You hurt him Jack,” Sarah harshly whispered. “You really fucked up this time,”
“I know,” Jack whispered back, my heart squeezed just at the sound of his voice “Just, please, let me go see him.”
“You fucked up big time. He was fucking sobbing on my lap before.” she whisper screamed.
I heard Jack sigh “Let me make it better,”
“You hurt him again, I swear, I’ll make you a girl,” she threatened, before the door opened.
I shoved my face back in the pillow, not wanting to see him.
Not yet.
“Alex?” he whispered, laying down next to me. “Baby?”
I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to ignore him.
Jack wrapped his arm around my middle “I’m so sorry,” he mumbled into the side of my head. “I shouldn’t have exploded like that. Not today, not ever,”
It took my whole body force not to roll over and let him hold me in his arms.
“Tomorrow, at school, I’ll publicly break up with Ella, and then after words, I’ll even walk away hold your hand. Because I know how much you like it when we hold hands.”
I sniffled, and pushed my head farther into the pillow.
He’s not getting me with these silly promises this time.
“I’ll kiss you in front of Mr. Speath,” he continued, “And let him know that just because you don’t understand the math, doesn’t mean you aren’t good at other things,”
I couldn’t help but smile a bit.
“And, I’ll even jump on the table at lunch, and yell to everyone that I love you. And only you.” he kissed the side of my head, “Please Alex. I mean it this time.”
I could feel his tears splash onto my neck as he tightened his grip on me.
I rolled over to face him “You don’t mean it. You never mean it,” I whispered.
“I mean it this time. If not, you can leave me,”
I shook my head “We both know I’d never do that.”
“I don’t see why you’ve put up with my shit for so long,” he mumbled, pushing some of my hair from my face.
“Because I love you, silly,” I mumbled, licking my lips.
“I don’t see why you love me either. I’m the worst boyfriend ever,”
“No you’re not Jack.”
He just shrugged and looked at me. “I truly love you Alex.”
“I love you too Jack,” I wrapped my arms around him. “Just, please, don’t go back on it this time.”
“I promise I won’t.” he smiled and kissed me, and I eagerly kissed back. “First thing tomorrow, I’ll break up with Ella for you,”
I let out a small laugh and clung to his body.
“Oh, by the way Alex. Happy anniversary, I’m sorry that it sucked so much,”
I just shook my head “Let’s pretend that it’s tomorrow.”
He just nodded and pressed his lips against mine. “anything for you. And this time, I mean it.”