Yesterday's Feelings

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
Where worries are washed out to sea
See the changes, people's faces blurred out
Like the sun spots or raindrops.

People passed me in a blur. A mix of emotions and colors. As if there was not enough time in the world. Voices echoed around me, fading into each other. I wasn’t paying attention. I never did. Not when I was trying to think. I tilted my head backwards, so it gently rested against the corrugated iron of the tour bus. My eyes were cast upwards, gazing at the blue silk like sky above me. The clouds curled into abstract shapes and unusual patterns. Birds, and occasionally planes, would float past. They added imperfection to the scene, making it realistic.

“Watch it, Watkins! A bird might shit in your eye!” An uproarious laugh followed that statement, which could have only have belonged to my best friend, Jamie. I chuckled, still staring at the sky. Usually, I would have retorted to a comment like that, but not today. Today was a…thinking day. There were a lot of things that I needed to think about, and a day just wasn’t long enough.

“Watkins…I haven’t heard that name in a while…” someone trailed off, dreamily. My head jerked up and my eyes scanned the scenery. My mouth dropped open, showing my surprise to find a certain somebody standing there. He was as perfect as always, his aura lighting up the whole park. There he was, my angel, standing just inches in front of me.

Now all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
But today I've wasted away for today is on my mind.

I gulped, still savoring the situation. Six months ago, I thought I would never see this face again. This pale faced hazel eyed being in front of my own eyes ever again. And yet, here it was. Those same eyes I had once gazed into for hours on end boring into my own. He smiled. That sweet, sincere smile that once belonged to me. His lips curving upwards in a simple manner of friendship. I sat up, my eyes now observing every inch of his body, quickly placing lost memories. Memories I thought I wouldn't think let alone see again.

I smiled back, stepping forward from my seating position. He unfolded his arms from his chest and placed them, limply at his sides. “How are you?” He asked, his lips still pressed upwards. I nodded, still trying to find the voice that was cowering inside of me. He chuckled, and placed his arms where they were originally.

“I’m good, yeah. And yourself?” I asked, adding the last part slightly faster. I stuffed my hands in my leather jacket pockets as he described his new house that he had bought. He had gotten rid of our family home, I thought, feeling more and more depressed by the second. I mentally scolded myself for thinking those thoughts. Our family home had been destroyed the moment I had left.

Left the only worries I had in my hands
Away from the light in my eyes
Holding tight and try not to hide how I feel
'Cause feelings mean nothing now

He sighed, obviously annoyed by my lack of interest in the conversation. I looked up at him, apologetically. He shook his head and laughed.

“You always looked cute when you did that,” he admitted. I grinned and pretended to gasp. A sudden burst of confidence had shot through me and I was going to excel it. I placed my hand on my chest and pretended to shake my head.

“I wasn’t always cute?!” I asked, now wiping imaginary tears that were falling. I heard him give a deep chuckle, as I ‘wailed’. He placed his palm on my back, gently patting it. I felt electric jolts shot trough my spine. I tried not to shudder at the sudden intimate contact. He was still laughing as I stood there, paralyzed by love.

All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind

Suddenly, there was a loud crash. He jumped away from me, the spot of my back that was once burning with excitement felt cold and empty once again. I quickly composed myself and stood up straight, trying to see where the sudden noise had come from. Looking to the right of me, I saw litter sprawled everywhere. An overturned green plastic bin caught my gaze. My eyes moved, cautiously, up and saw a young girl scrambling up from the floor and running for dear life. On her track was fairly large bodyguard, huffing and puffing wildly. My body was racking from fits of laughter. I could see him out of the corner of my eye, doing similar things. His eyes creasing at the sides as his throat gave out an uproarious laugh. His perfect teeth glistening in the scorching sun of summer. His eyes screwed shut as he held his sides, doubling over from laughing. It all happened in slow motion, making sure I could memorize every inch of him, even though I already had.

Now I can't care to worry
I'm feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart

“Fans. They get crazier everyday,” I laughed, turning back around to see him composing himself. I grinned as he nodded. I couldn’t help but notice that strange glint in his eye. A glint I had seen once before. His eyes full stop made me take second glances, but that glint made my heart stop. I knew what it meant and I hoped it meant the same now. The cogs turned around viciously in my head, jumping from question to question about my next move. I needed another jolt of confidence. The adrenaline of him being near me just wasn’t enough anymore.

“Ian? Are you okay? You seem…dazed,” he asked, staring at me intently. I smiled and nodded. I glanced down at my scuffed shoes and back up towards his heartbreaking hazels. This was my chance.

“Can I talk to you for a second? Somewhere more…secluded?” I asked, not wiling myself to tear my gaze away. He looked suspicious, which probably fueled him to nod his head, itching to find out what I wanted. My heart swelled as I thought of the question that was floating around, innocently, in my head. I nodded my head towards a space next to the fencing, not far from the tour buses.

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
Where feelings mean nothing now

My feet crunched on the gravel as he traveled over to my desired destination, his feet echoing behind mine. I prevented my hands from shaking with anticipation as he leant against the fence, taking a cigarette from the box and placing it between his lips.

“Old habits die hard, eh?” I chuckled, staring as the sun striped down onto the side of his face, making his almost transparent complexion sparkle. He laughed and nodded, taking his cigarette from his lips and observing it. I looked into the distance behind him, making sure nothing would spoil this. This had to be perfect.

All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
But today I've wasted away for today is on my mind
for today is on my mind
yeah today is on my mind

I gulped, hard. My heart racing faster than I thought was possible. I had never been so excited nor nervous in my entire life. But it would be worth it. I could feel his eyes boring a hole into the side of my head, as I took hold of my necklace that hung from neck, gently tossing back and forth. His eyes were so intense, I felt as though he could read my inner thoughts. He coughed and scuffed his shoes on the floor, anxious for me to tell him. I couldn’t let him wait any longer, but it was difficult to put it into words. Sighing, I lifted my head up to meet him. The sincerity in his eyes was almost shocking. That gave me the confidence I needed.

“You know since I left; I’ve never been the same. As much as I tried to tell myself, I wasn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I-I still can’t. Its like,” I paused to look up at the sky, watching as the streak of white floated delicately through it. “You’ve corrupted my mind. And forced all my thoughts to focus around you. Not that I wouldn’t want to. You….you amaze me. I’ve never met anyone quite like you. I don’t want to lose you again. Please. This is my question; will you take me back?” I asked, once again finding my place in his eyes. This time, was different. Usually, his eyes reflected some kind of emotion. Be it rage or happiness. But this time, they didn’t. And that worried me.

I waited while he collected his thoughts. My mind was racing; not concentrating on which thought to center and expand on. His eyes stayed locked with mine, until he finally moved and grabbed my hands, keeping them locked within his own. A smile flickered at the corner of my lips, but faded as I tried to hide my excitement. He sighed, quickly removing my happy thoughts.

“Ian…I…I don’t know how to explain this, but…I’ve met someone else. I’m, I’m sorry.” And with that, he turned on his heel and left. He strode away from me, not giving me a another glance. I was shell shocked. I couldn’t move in case I collapsed in a fit of sobs. I thought my fragile heart could not break anymore, but I was wrong. It shattered, sending splinters soaring into my lungs, piercing them, making it harder and harder to breathe.

He walked right out of my life. For the second time. However, this time, I knew I’d never see him again. Goodbye Gerard Way. I’ll always love you.

Now I can't care to worry
I'm feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart