Unfamiliar Ceilings

Waking up had always been hard. I was half-way through doing that, and noticed that the bed felt different. Colder, but still not entirely cold. My vision was blurry as I opened my eyes completely, taking in my surroundings. I was back at Mark’s house, in my bed. It was completely dark outside and I was alone; it felt weird to be alone, but it wasn’t bad.

I carefully climbed out of bed, my pelvis and legs aching numbly. I made my way over to the bay window, overlooking the front garden and the street outside and sat on the cushioned seat with my legs curled beneath me. I looked out into the night sky briefly, before picking my iPod up off of the vanity and turning it on.

Sex was strange. Not bad, but still strange. When I was alone like this, I could think and finally realise what I’d actually gone through with. It felt like a kind of out of body experience, like I was watching the two of us from somewhere up on the ceiling. It hurt, a little bit at first, but Dean made it good for me. Anyway, thinking back on it, I couldn’t see how my life could’ve gotten much better than it already was.
I was almost in love with Dean, I wouldn’t deny that.

I know, I was only sixteen. Yeah, it’d only been less than two months that we spent together, but I was, whether I wanted to be or not. At the time, I had no objections. Then the idea of leaving came back into my mind. How am I going to be able to do that? I couldn’t just go and leave all of this behind. I thought, for the first time in a long time, that I was going to cry like my heart was breaking, but my train of thought was disrupted by my phone buzzing near my leg.

From: Anna Stevens
Time: 3:25AM

Sorry to bother you so late, but I’m outside your house. Can I come inside? – Anna

I stared at my phone, in a slight sense of disbelief. I peered out of my bedroom window and looked around the street. Sure enough, there was Anna, huddled up in a black hoody with a tuft of pink hair sticking out. I wouldn’t have noticed her if it weren’t for that. Why would she want to speak to me so badly?

I rushed as quietly as I could down the stairs, unlocking and opening the front door in silence. I waved and signalled for her to come inside quickly. She looked awful, like she hadn’t slept in days; I sent her straight to my bedroom and told her to be quiet. I headed towards the kitchen and decided it’d be best we both had a hot cup of sweet tea.

“Leila? Is that you?” I heard Stephanie speak in a tired voice from the doorway. I almost dropped the sugar container. “Is everything okay love?”

“Sorry for waking you up, Stephanie,” I said, continuing to make tea as quietly as possible.

“It’s alright,” she said, stretching her arms and yawning tiredly, heading towards the fridge. “Is someone else here?”

I bit my lip gently and nodded, glancing over at her. “It’s just Anna, she texted me saying she had to talk and she was outside and I got worried and stuff.”

“Leila, it’s okay, just don’t wake your dad up,” she said, shooting me a smile and a little wink before she turned and walked back out of the kitchen with a glass of mineral water in hand. Minutes later I was toeing open the door of my bedroom, with a steaming hot mug of tea in either hand. Anna was sitting hunched up on my bed, with her knees pulled up to her chest and her chin resting on top of them. She’d never looked so...unhappy in all the time I’d known her. I handed her one of the mugs and she mumbled and thanks. I didn’t push her to talk.

“I’ve fucked everything up, Leila,” she mumbled, staring off into space. “So badly.”

I touched her leg very slightly and she jumped. “What happened?”

“You know the other night? After Dean’s mates place?” I nodded my head. “Well, Johnny was far too drunk to get home on his own, so I said he could stay with me.”

I nodded, slowly as I watched her. Her hands were trembling very slightly and she tightened her grip on her mug before deciding better of it and placed it on the bedside cabinet.

“Well, I was drunk too, and me and Johnny kissed,” she muttered. “A lot.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Is that it?”

She shook her head. There were small tracks of tears making their way down her pale cheeks, making her eyes look watery and deep. She ran her shaking hands through her already messy hair.

“Anna, what could be so bad?”

A slight sob ripped through her body before she said, “We had sex, Leila. After, he told me he loved me and he was glad I was his first.”

Her shoulders shook and I felt my jaw drop. I don’t think I could organise one, single logical thought after she dropped that bombshell. All I could do was stare incredulously and try not to drop my half-full mug of tea. It was taking me too long to process this properly, and I don’t know why. She looked up at me and I quickly composed myself, picked my jaw up off the floor and tried to assume some kind of casual look.

“I feel so wretched. I shouldn’t have let that happen, but I did,” she said, crying properly now. “I took his virginity; I don’t love him like he loves me. Not to mention its illegal, he’s only fifteen.”

I forced myself for some movement. I put my hand gently on her forearm and shushed her crying, trying to stop it all together and remaining unsuccessful. She looked at me through her teary eyes and something told me there was more to it.

“When he said he loved me, it kind of snapped me out of it. I realised what happened and I couldn’t say anything back. All I could do was get up and walk away, but he just kept saying it to me and I ended up telling him to fuck off.” Her body shook with new sobs, coming from somewhere within her chest. “He left, and now he probably hates me for it.”

Okay, that was a lot to spring on one person all at once. Life has this way of fucking things up in epic proportions; once one part of your life goes the way you’d like, another part promptly falls to pieces. She was definitely finished this time because she just collapsed into my side and sobbed. I went into my little motherly mode and gathered her up in my arms, shushing her every now and again and waited until her sobs subsided.

“I think if someone loves you, they can’t hate you,” I said, hearing her sniffle on my shoulder.

“That made no sense.”

“Not a lot of things make sense.”

“Exhibit A,” she giggled weakly. At least she was almost smiling properly. By the time we’d finished talking about everything, it was about five in the morning and I just wasn’t tired. Anna fell asleep in no time, while I lay awake for the most part. She curled into a little ball next to me and occasionally sniffed. I lay and thought for a while before I managed to drop off. Even then I only got about half an hour.

When I did wake up, Anna was missing and I had two unread text messages on my phone. I picked up my phone and took it downstairs with me, listening for any signs of Anna. I heard chattering from the dining room and stuck my head around the door to see if she was there.

“Morning,” I yawned. “Seen Anna?”

“She left about five minutes ago,” Mark said, smiling at me. “She said to say thank you.”

I nodded my head and smiled, turning to make my way back up to my bedroom and see if I could get to sleep for a bit longer. I slid my phone open and checked my new messages. One on from my service provider; deleted. My second text was from Dean:

From: Dean Owens
Time: 10:40AM

I can’t stop thinking about you :) – D xxx

I smiled and squealed like a little school girl. I replied quickly with nothing more than a smiley face, because I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I left my phone on the vanity while I went through my wardrobe, searching for a pair of blue skinny jeans and a white tank top. I found my clothes and laid them out on my bed just as my phone vibrated again:

From: Dean Owens
Time: 10:47AM

Get dressed up nice, I’m taking you out tonight – D x

Couldn’t reply quicker.

To: Dean Owens
Time: 10:48AM

When and where? – Leila xo

I made my way to the airing cupboard, phone in hand, to grab some clean towels. I dumped them in the bathroom near the sink and put my phone on top. I started the shower and stripped out of the clothes I had on. I heard my phone buzz again:

From: Dean Owens
Time: 10:54AM

It’s a surprise. I’ll be at yours for half past six later on. And don’t argue with me, you’re coming – D x

I rolled my eyes involuntarily and tapped out a quick message to say I’d be ready and waiting by half past six. I had no idea what he was planning to do, though. I got into the shower, going through things I could wear over and over in my head. I didn’t have anything particularly dressy...The Dress! Of course!

I’d completely forgotten about it. It’s been on a hanger in my wardrobe since Stephanie bought it for me at Camden market. Maybe this was the perfect opportunity to finally wear it. I smiled to myself while I washed my body and hair.

That day couldn’t have gone by slower.