Love and Conspiracy

I woke up with a throbbing headache and no clue where I was. As I rubbed my eyes and sat up, I realized that I was in the same house. Ugh, Jess was right—again. I thought, remembering that she had warned me about the alcohol. It took me a few more moments before pieces of the night before started to come back to me. At first, all I could recall was watching the guys perform and walking around the house a lot. However, the image of Mike and Kat kissing quickly popped into my head. My heart started to race. This can’t be real, it was just a dream.

I felt my eyes again and noticed that they were puffy from the tears, I assumed. That’s when I felt a heavy weight on my chest, accepting that it was reality. Everything that had been built up so great was then ruined. I knew that it wasn’t going to be the same after that and I started to dread seeing anyone. Luckily I was in the room by myself.

I sat in the room for another ten minutes, completely focusing on that one dilemma until someone opened the door. Chris walked in without even realizing I was there.

“Oh, shit. I’m sorry, I didn’t even see you there!” he said, looking at me, “Damn, alcohol must’ve hit you hard, huh?”

“Where’s Jess?” I asked, ignoring his joke.

“Uh, she got a ride home from someone last night, I believe,” he answered. I bit my lip, scared that I was trapped. “You want me to go get Mike?” he asked. I shook my head quickly.

“No, it’s fine. I’m fine right here,” I mumbled. He gave me a strange look.

“Alright, well I’ll see you around then,” he said awkwardly, backing out of the room and shutting the door. I hit my forehead with the palm of my hand, having no idea what I was going to do next. With no other choice, I decided that I had to go look for somebody to give me a ride home. Coincidentally, there was somebody waiting outside the door when I opened it.

Billie slowly looked up at me. Right there, seeing him again, it all came back to me. He had kissed me, and I didn’t stop him. In fact, it was one of the best kisses I’ve ever had. I remembered the girl he was talking to and how I thought I had ruined their moment. He threatened to kick Mike’s ass. I smoked a cigarette for the first time and hated it. And finally, his words echoed through my mind, “I really wish I had been the one to meet you first.”

I stumbled backwards into the door, as I got slapped in the face with reality. He was silent as he let me soak in every detail about the night before. I walked over to the other side of the room, sliding onto the ground with my back against the wall. My eyes were wide and unmoving. He slowly walked towards me, closing the door behind him.

“What have we done,” I whispered to myself as he sat down in front of me.

“I don’t even know where to start,” Billie quietly answered. I covered my face and started to shake my head.

“What is happening? Why is everything crumbling apart?” I said, surprisingly keeping my composure. It took a few moments before Billie spoke.

“Mike doesn’t remember anything from last night,” he mumbled.

“Really?” I barely squeaked, resting my head on my knees, “Shit, shit, shit.” Quickly, my head snapped up. “Did you tell him?” I asked in a panicked voice.

“No, it’s not my place to say anything,” he answered. I let out a breath of relief.

Before we could say anything more, the door opened again. Mike appeared in the doorway with a smile on his face.

“Good afternoon,” he said happily. Both Billie and I ignored him.

“Can you take me home? I just want to go to sleep,” I asked softly to Billie, who was focusing on the ground. He nodded before helping me up.

“Is everything alright?” Mike asked in a more concerned voice. Billie quickly made his way through the door, leaving Mike and I alone. As I got closer to him, I could feel the tears resurfacing. I slowed down in front of him, still avoiding eye contact.

“Goodbye, Mike,” I whispered before rushing out the door.

~~~

As soon as I got into the car, I started to break down again. I pathetically tried to stop myself, but failed greatly. Billie gently put his hand next to mine as he pulled out of the driveway, not knowing what else to do. On instinct, I grabbed his hand and held it firmly, letting the tears continue to fall.

“God, I’m such a mess. I’m sorry that you have to put up with my crying again,” I said, “It seems like that’s all I’ve been doing this week.”

“It’s okay,” was all he managed to say back. He soothingly rubbed his thumb against the back of my hand.

“It didn’t mean anything—you and I—right?” I abruptly asked as my tears slowed. He was silent for a minute or two, acting as if he didn’t hear my question.

“It means whatever you want it to mean,” he answered.

“That doesn’t help me, Billie.”

“Well fuck, Luce. What do you want me to say? That wasn’t really my ideal way of expressing my feelings to somebody.”

“You didn’t mean what you said, though,” I told him in denial. He hesitated before sighing.

“I may have been drunk, but I’m not a liar,” he replied. I looked out the window.

The rest of the ride home we were silent, not saying a word.

~~~

Once he had parked in front of the apartment, we remained unmoving in the car. Our hands were still locked with one another.

“I’m sorry,” he finally said, “Not for what I said or did, but because I know how difficult this is for you to deal with,” he paused, “But you can’t honestly tell me that you didn’t feel something. I know I wasn’t the only one.” I could feel the tears, once again, as I shrugged.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” was all I could say.

“Tell me the truth; that’s all I’m asking,” he said, completely vulnerable.

“I was drunk, Billie. What I may have felt last night wouldn’t be the same if I were sober,” I told him from what I thought was true. I could feel him look at me as he gripped my hand a little tighter.

“Yeah? Let’s find out then,” he said, placing his free hand on my cheek. He leaned in and delicately kissed my lips. A spark went throughout my body with just that small touch. I could feel his breath on my face as he slowly pulled away. However, he still kept his face inches from mine as he looked at me.

His eyes were so full of desire that I couldn’t help but kiss him again, sending that same electricity through me. I had to reassure myself that I wasn’t imagining it. Before we could stop ourselves, we kissed each other more passionately and our hands went searching over each other’s bodies. It wasn’t until we heard a car door shut that I separated myself from him. Luckily, the person we heard wasn’t anyone we knew.

“What are we doing?” I said out of breath, our lips barely touching.

“I think we just answered my question,” he said, kissing me again. As much as I hated to stop, I pulled away once more.

“We can’t be doing this, Billie,” I mumbled quietly, “I’m still technically with Mike.”

“You’re not doing anything different than he did, though.”

“Yeah, but he was drunk; we’re not,” I said. He was silent, knowing I was right.

“Well, let’s go inside. We’ll have plenty of time later to figure all of this out,” he said comfortingly, looking over at me, “Don’t worry. It’ll all turn out okay.”

~~~

Although I lay in bed for more than an hour, I still didn’t get any sleep. I just stared at the ceiling, thinking about everything that was going on. However, as soon as I heard someone come in the front door, I focused back on reality. My heart started to race as I heard Mike’s voice.

“Did you know?” I heard him ask Billie.

“Know what?” Billie played dumb.

“Dammit, where’s Lucy?”

It was silent until I saw him in the doorway of our room. I rolled my head to the side so I
could look at him. He slowly closed the door behind him and kneeled by the side of the bed.
He looked like hell.

“Luce…” he whispered, not looking at me. Surprisingly, I didn’t cry. I think I had already gotten out all the emotion that was possibly inside me. I didn’t say anything to him.

“You saw us, didn’t you,” he said more as a statement, already assuming. I bit my lip as he looked up at me, pain evident in his eyes. He set his head down on the bed. “Fuck, I don’t even know how it happened. I must’ve just thought that it was you. Who else would just randomly do that?” He lifted his head up again once I didn’t reply. “I really fucked things up, didn’t I?” I just stared up at the ceiling. “I’m so sorry, Lucy. I know words can’t possibly be enough to make that up. Drunk or not, that was no exception.”

I couldn’t even think of anything to say back to him that wouldn’t be hypocritical in my case. I could feel him staring at me as I contemplated what to say next. Finally, after some great amount of time, I moved over so there was enough room for him to lie next to me on the bed. He looked surprised, but carefully got on the bed beside me. We sat there in silence for few moments before I interlocked my fingers with his.

“I forgive you,” I whispered.

“You do?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah, things happen by accident sometimes. Plus, I know that it wasn’t your fault,” I said, truthfully. He looked at me for a long time before wrapping his arms around me for a hug.

“Lucy, you truly are amazing; you deserve the best. Anything I can do to make it up to you, I will,” he said, holding me while I soothingly rubbed his back. All I could think of was Billie.