Love and Death

I looked at my own reflection in my huge bedroom mirror as I noticed several bruises and gashes dispersed all across my body. Trying to soothe the unbearable pain I felt in my left arm, I gently passed my hand over my shoulder on my bare skin as I carefully massaged the wound left behind after yesterday’s fight. Remembering his angry, yet stern look on his face, he had forcefully pushed me down the old creaky stairs. I remembered the sudden urge I had felt rush through my veins as anger fuelled my blood. But this time, I wanted to stand up for myself, to prove to him who I really was and what I was capable of. Yet, I had this dying feeling inside of me urging me to run away from my desperate and unpleasant life. But I was afraid, afraid of his reaction, afraid of him. It was just like climbing a ladder, yet I figured I’d fall from high eventually and feared that no one would be waiting at the bottom to catch me. My life would be over and there would be nothing left to salvage. But I wouldn’t give up. I just couldn’t.

My legs were also covered with numerous scars and I had a few severe lacerations over my entire body. I gently rubbed my hands and contemplated my face as I felt outraging agony all over. Wrinkles had begun to take their place on my jaded face as my features slowly started to fade over these endless abominable years. As my eyes glided over the bruises covering my legs, I shivered as I remembered the hateful confrontations, the outrageous fights and the endless quarrels. I pushed my short unlevelled bangs behind my ears and ran my hand through my dark curly hair as my eyes got teary. These scars that covered my body would eventually heal, but they would never go away.

It had been three years now. Three years living in this imprisoned house, being poisoned by the deadly snake’s treacherous glare and tortured by the devil’s pitchfork. My life had been a true lie: lies that made me falter, lies that made me cry, lies that made me suffer and lies that would eventually make me die. I felt stuck inside the same old nightmare, the same unreal and artificial world created by my own imaginative mind. But I was wrong: this wasn’t a nightmare.

I slumped down on the window sill as I slowly wiped the hot tears streaming down my wet cheeks. Remembering the last fight, I looked up at the few brilliant scintillating stars suspended to the dark murky sky which threatened to send flashing light streaks at any moment. The light from the lamppost instantly grew fainter, plunging the houses nearby in a surreal darkness. A slight glow immerged from the dusky gray clouds, giving a tiny glimmer to the tall trees. The occasional beams emitted from the cars’ headlights pierced through the shrubs and bushes, revealing the barely lightened street. Feeling goosebumps crawl all over my bare skin, I shivered and pulled a soft fluffy blanket over my shoulders. I laid in the obscurity, watching the cars pass by on this deserted street from my bedroom’s window as I recalled his last words.

I’m just going to visit an old friend. I’ll be back later. Don’t wait up for me.

The room was completely silent: I could hear the thumper of the rain beating down against the old steel roof. The tumultuous storm had settled and the rolling thunder had ceased gradually. As my thoughts wandered off, I did not notice Jake’s car pull into the driveway until the headlights flashed in my eyes, blinding me for a moment. I could hear the slight rustle of the autumn leaves scattered in the driveway as I heard the car’s tires brush roughly against the unpaved gravel. I squinted as I recognized the familiar car parked in the driveway. I wiped the fog off the window with my sleeve as I stared at the blurred shadow which had blended with the dark silhouettes of the tree trunks. I squinted again as I observed the dark bulky shadow making its way to the front door.

I wiped the smeared make-up from my tearful face as I heard the front door swing open. I took a deep breath and inhaled a puff of fresh air before slowly tiptoeing down the old creaky stairs. I walked into the kitchen as I kept my head down and continued eyeing the tiled flooring. I dared to glimpse in his direction, but he caught me from the corner of his eye. I looked away nervously, although I dared not disrupt the peaceful silence settling in the room.

As I stood waiting in the doorframe, I could detect the faint smell of alcohol contaminating the fresh purified air. Furious and outraged, I tried to control my annoyance and bear with my exasperation as I felt anger boiling through my veins once more. It was another of his made-up stories, just another merciless lie. I feared another horrible outburst as I felt a desirable feeling rush through my body. I wanted to run, flee from this living hell and this disenchanted nightmare. From now on, I wanted to take complete control of the steering, lead my life where I wanted it to be, not any other person. I gulped and swallowed my own dreadful thoughts as I tried to gather some courage. My trembling voice revealed a slight sense of fear as I finally addressed myself to him.

“Where were you?” I tried to articulate as I sensed the approach of another shocking outburst. He lit a cigarette and exhaled a puff of smoke, poisoning the fresh purified air. He posed his usual death glare on me as I felt his eyes scrutinize my whole body. I felt uneasy for a second.

“I told you not to wait up for me,” Jake answered back on a furious tone as I heard him curse under his breath. I ignored him, determined to figure out the untold truth under the mountains of lies.

“Were you out at the bar with the guys?” I questioned nervously as I tried to speak up for myself. I felt him grip my arm firmly as his tight fingers nearly cut all blood circulation. I felt the throbbing pain from the gash left on my arm after last night’s fight as he maintained a death grip. I said nothing and lowered my head as a sign of apology for this effrontery. His grip loosened gradually and he shot me an uncomforting smirk as his icy cold glare shifted back to the beer bottle on the kitchen counter. “I don’t think it’s a good idea Jake,” I continued, slightly shaking my head negatively as I extended my arm and tried to reach for the bottle.

He shot up another death glare as I felt his bare hand slap me across the face. I felt the agonizing pain starting to settle in as raging tears rolled down my cheeks again. I was tired of all this nonsense, always having to shut my mouth and smile. He was just like the constant whisper in my ear, telling me what to do, what to say, what to think.

Gathering a bit of courage, my gaze shot up to meet his as I peered straight into his dark hazel eyes. “I’m done with it Jake, I’m done,” I repeated as I turned around abruptly and tried to ignore the aching pain. He grabbed my arm firmly, forcing me to face him, and swung his fist through the air once again.

My knees collapsed under my unbearable weight as I knocked my head solidly against the counter before falling to the floor. I placed my trembling hand on my forehead as I felt the agonizing pain settling in. Blood continued to ooze out from the wound left on my forehead. I noticed I was also bleeding from the nose as I brushed my face quickly with my quivering hand. I could hear the soft ticking of the old grandfather’s clock from the kitchen as I laid motionless, paralyzed with fear. Gasping for breath, I closed my eyes and dared not to disrupt the frozen silence settling in the room.

After a couple of seconds, I heard a crashing crystalline sound coming from the bathroom. Startled, my heart started pounding wildly as I crawled on the linoleum floor. I noticed that Jake had smashed the bathroom mirror as broken glass shattered upon the tiled floor in a thousand pieces. A loud sob escaped from my mouth unintentionally as I tried to cover my head with my arms. He picked up my grandmother’s old hand-made vase and, with much strength, threw it across the room, destroying it as it smashed against the wall.

“Calm down,” I managed to articulate as the tears continued dazzling down my tired features. He clenched his teeth together and passed his hand across his forehead with disgruntlement. But I knew I wouldn’t be able to quiet his uncontrollable anger and appease his ardent frustration with such a lack of effort.

“But why? Why?” Jake repeated furiously, persistent about the fact that it was my entire fault. “Why did you do this to me?” he said again, picking up a frame and knocking it against the wall. I felt guilty after he placed the blame on me, but I wasn’t going to get discouraged. I just couldn’t get discouraged.

Gathering some courage, I struggled as I tried to stand up on my elbows. I managed to get up slowly despite the aching pain and forcefully scrambled towards the door. At this moment, I felt a slight relief, like if I was finally waking up from a horrible nightmare. It was all over: no more lies, no more fears, no more hate and no more tears. I just couldn’t endure such merciless pain anymore.

As I took a deep breath and inhaled fresh air, I heard his angry voice echo in my ear once again. “But why? Why?” he continuously repeated. I wiped the streaming tears from my face again with my trembling hand and seized the door knob. I wiped the accumulation of sweat off my forehead with my sleeve. I knew too well: this time, I just couldn’t quench his satisfaction. I needed to face the music, for once and for all. I turned around nervously to face him.

“No love Jake, no love,” I replied as I closed the door behind me and hurryingly adventured myself into the blazing storm.