Give Me Novacaine

I was sitting on the couch as I smiled at my stomach. I was hardly showing now, and it was only my second month of being pregnant with Tally. Every time Billie would look at me, he'd slowly begin to smile, knowing that we were finally having our second child together and that it was going to be a girl. That excited the both of us. Billie came out from the kitchen with a coffee in his left hand, and a Coke in the right. Coke was the drink that I had been craving for the past two months; what a wonderful choice, I know.

"So when did you say you were due?" He asked me, taking a drink of his coffee. I looked up at him from rubbing my stomach and looking at it like I'd never been pregnant before. Although, it is sort of weird to think about a human growing inside of you for nine months straight.

"I'm due sometime in August," I told him. It was only February, and according to my doctor, I had gotten pregnant sometime in January. Billie and I both laughed when he told us that. Our hands were holding each other's and the doctor started to feel a bit awkward standing in the room with us, and seeing that I was pregnant.

I came back to reality and saw that Billie had a nervous smile on his face and that he was tapping his fingers on the edges of his coffee cup, like he needed to tell me something.

"What's going on, love?" I asked him.

"Oh, it's..." he started to say. "It's nothing, don't worry about it."

"But- never mind," I sighed. He smiled and kissed me.

"I love you," he said, looking in my eyes.

"I love you, too," I whispered and put my hands on the sides of his face. I ran my hands down and put my arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug. He put his coffee on the table in front of us and hugged my waist. We stayed like that for a few minutes, just hugging. When he pulled away, he had tears in his eyes.

"What's going on?" I whispered, wiping them off his face.

"I'm just happy for Tally, but-" He stopped.

"But, what?"

"But- I... I wanted a boy," he whispered, putting his head down, not looking at me.

"Well, we could always try for a boy," I told him smiling, and pulled his face up to look at mine.

Billie stared at me then hung his head again, "no, it's not that."

"Then what is it, Billie?"

"It's that I'm not sure if I want another kid. I know that you're so excited for Tally and that you've been wanting another kid, and so have I, but now that it's actually happening, I'm not sure if I really want this to happen..." He whispered it all.

"I can't just have an abortion, Beej," I whispered back with a faded smile.

"I know that, but I didn't want to say anything."

"So this is just going to be another accident child for you?" I asked in a normal tone.

"Technically..."

"You didn't want another child in the first place?" My heart began to race; I wanted him to tell me what I wanted to hear. He gave me a look of being ashamed and looked back down at the floor. "You were lying?"

Then just like a brick, everything he had said in the past few minutes about Tally had hit me like I had been slapped in the face. I looked away and blinked away the tears that were coming to the surface. I kept my eyes shut and tried to push them back, but nothing worked. After a couple tries, I had began to cry and had my face buried in my hands.

"Please don't cry," he said and hugged me. "You're fine, I'm fine, Tally's fine."

"No, it's not fine," I whined.

"Yes it is, Alyssa. I'll still love this child just as much as I love Abby."

"Don't touch me!" I yelled and pulled away.

I was angry now. Angry at Billie? No. Angry that I can't have just one 'planned' child. I wanted to scream. I stomped up the steps and before I knew it, I had stuff packed to leave.

Why was I doing this? I didn't know.

I was so busy in my thoughts, that I didn't even hear Billie yelling at me, apologizing for whatever he did. He didn't even do anything, that was the problem.

He wasn't the problem, he was never the problem. I was. I needed out of here, before I did any more damage to Billie and before I end up hurting him again.

I opened the front door, with my bag under one arm, and Abby in the other. Billie got up and ran to me, then fell to his knees at my feet.

"Please don't leave me," he begged as he sobbed.

"I'm so sorry, Billie... I can't deal with this anymore," I whispered and stepped out of the house.

"Today was perfect, though. What can't you deal with?" He asked looking up at me with the look being broken on his face. I had torn him to shreds already, and I hadn't even left yet. I turned around slowly and looked him in the eyes.

"Knowing that all I do is hurt you," I said in a whisper with my eyes tearing up and barely able to speak. He didn't say anything as I walked down the steps and the driveway to my car. I put Abby in her car-seat and I went to sit in the front. I laid my head on the steering wheel and I cried my eyes out. Once I got the strength to sit up again I looked at the house, knowing that I needed to go back in there. But I didn't. He didn't need someone like me.

It must of been my mood swings, it just had to be. I never go off on Beej like that. I drove off to Mike's house and knew that I would get so much shit for doing that, but that's the only place I could go. I couldn't go with Tre and Martena, they'd both bitch slap me across the face, which is what I deserved. Speaking of Martena, I could hear her ring-tone blaring from my pocket. It was just starting to rain and I answered the phone as I kept my eyes on the road and pushing some of the tears away.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Hey! Where are you?" She asked me.

"Um..." I said. "I'm not at home..."

"...Why not?"

"It's a long story."

"Tell me, Alyssa," she sighed.

"I'm pretty sure you'll find out soon enough," I said, crying again, then hung up. I closed my phone and put it back in my pocket. After about a half an hour, I had finally reached Mike's house. I didn't know why I went to stay with Mike, but it was only for a day, then I wounded up here in this hotel, I told Mike what happened, he didn't say anything. Just nodded his head. Abby didn't cry for the first couple days, but until she noticed that her dad was never around, she began crying.

"Where's daddy?!" She yelled in her baby voice.

"Honey, daddy's on a long vacation," I cooed to her. She began to cry and I picked her up, then sat her on the bed with me.

I tried calling Billie, and he answered the first ring.

"Billie! Please listen to me-" I said before he hung up.

I know I deserved it, but it hurt me because I wanted to talk to him. Just hear his sweet voice. I closed my phone and leaned back on the bed, then put Abby beside me.

I had remembered that I had taken American Idiot with me, along with all of my Green Day stuff. It sounded creepy, but I wanted reminders of him. I needed it. I got up again, put in the CD, and laid back down.

The last line I remember hearing was, "give me a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alright." What a coincidence that was.

I eventually fell asleep to 'Give Me Novacaine.'