Unconditional Love

When Mom told me we were going to visit Great-Grandma in her new nursing home, I was excited. I loved my Great-Grandma so much. I also loved when people moved to new places, so I saw this as a two-for-one deal. When someone moved, you were given the chance to explore the new rooms, cupboards, and the surrounding neighborhood. Not to mention the opportunity to play in the empty boxes that I was sure would be littering her room. When you are five years old, a box can occupy you for hours.

We lived about two hours away from the nursing home so I was sure to bring my GameBoy Colour and my favourite Barbie game along with me. I double-checked my knapsack to make sure my markers were there as I pulled myself into my car seat. There was no way that those boxes at Great-Grandma's were going to go uncoloured. I made that my personal goal.

My GameBoy's batteries had died so I just decided to listen to the radio with Mom. It was fun singing along to those popular songs at the time. Who Let The Dogs Out by the Baha Men, or The Bad Touch by the Blood Hound Gang. "You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like we do it on Discovery Channel..." I didn't understand what the lyrics meant back then, but I sang it like a pro. When I listen to that song now, I laugh everytime. I was jumping out of my car seat by the time we reached Great-Grandma's. I was eager to see Great-Grandma again, but more eager to get my hands on those boxes. We knocked on the door and a voice from behind it told us to come in. As soon as we walked in, we were assaulted by the intense smell of Great-Grandma's perfume. I liked the smell, but too much of it gave me a stomachache. Great-Grandma got up out of her adjustable recliner to greet us. I remember that she always gave me the biggest hugs, and that day was no exception.

After I caught my breath again from that bone-crushing hug, I looked all around for those boxes. I checked in the closet, the bathroom, and even under the bed, but to no avail. I went back into the main room where Mom and Great-Grandma were sitting and having a conversation. Great-Grandma in her adjustable recliner and Mom in an old fold out chair that was brought closer so Great-Grandma could hear their conversation. One thing I remember about Great-Grandma was that she was very hard of hearing, so most of the time you had to scream at the top of lungs to ask for a juice box. I was always taught to wait until the grownups were done their conversation before asking them a question. So I waited, but I was growing more impatient by the second. All I wanted to know was where the boxes went.

After what seemed like forever, Mom noticed me waiting and asked me what I wanted. I was just about to unleash my rage for having to wait when I saw something brown behind Great-Grandma's head. "What is that?" I asked pointing towards Great-Grandma. She pulled it out from behind her head. It was a bear. "Oh, this." She chuckled, "This is a pillow that I bought at Wal-Mart last week." I was confused. "Grandma, that's not a pillow. That's a teddy bear." I announced feeling superior to the fact that she thought it was a pillow. "Well," Grandma replied. "It's a bit of both. See this bear's arms and legs? They are attached together on each side so they make a sort of pillow. There are also little pieces of Velcro on both sides, see? You can fold him together and he becomes a stuffed bear." I was amazed at this genius invention. "Can I play with it?" I pleaded. Mom looked down at me and shook her head. "No honey, Great-Grandma is using it right now. You're going to have to wait until she is done with it." I was disappointed. I turned around to go and sulk when I felt a slight weight being placed on my head. I looked up to see Great-Grandma out of her chair and the folded out bear pillow resting on top of my head. I smiled up at Great-Grandma and she smiled back. I ran away with the bear still on top of my head to go and play, forgetting all about the boxes.

Trips to the nursing home always ran the same course after that fateful day. I would arrive at Great-Grandma's, be blitzed by her overpowering perfume, receive a bone-crushing hug, and run to find the bear pillow. I would put him on top of my head just like Great-Grandma had done the first day I saw him, and I would run off to find a game that we could play. With my limitless imagination we could go anywhere. The bear pillow and I flew across the Atlantic Ocean, went to the moon and ate space rock pies with the aliens that lived there, and solved the mystery of the missing royal jewels.

Years passed and I began to grow up. My childish view on the world was diminishing and I was becoming more sensible. I began to notice how old Great-Grandma really was getting, and how frail she had become. She still wore the same perfume and her hearing was still terrible, but her bone crushing hugs weren’t as constricted as they use to be. She still had the bear out and ready for me whenever I came over and I would always put it on my head. It became our little inside joke. I wouldn't go to the moon with him anymore. Instead, I found myself drinking tea and being a part of the conversations, which I once found so boring. Through that time, I still kept the bear in my lap because it always made Great-Grandma so happy. That bear was a little piece of her that gave me fond memories of my childhood.

It was September 15th 2005, 20 days until my 13th birthday when we got the call. Great-Grandma had passed. She had been fighting to live for over three years now and was actually pronounced dead once until she hopped back up and asked what was for dinner. But that wasn't going to happen this time. I cried when I heard the news that Great-Grandma was gone. I knew that she needed to go sometime, but no matter how much you prepare yourself, knowing that you will never be able to see that loved one again is very hard. We decided to get there a few days early, just to see if anyone needed any help with the arraignments. During her visitations I was afraid to go up to the casket. I gave her a quick look and said good-bye to her from the back of the room, but I never got to do it face to face. I was afraid that she might wake up and scare me, but the main reason was because I didn't want my Great-Grandma to see me cry over her. She always said, "Nothing's worth crying about, so keep your chin up, okay?" I watched my family cry as the sermon was read. I watched my family cry as we drove to the cemetery, and I watched my family cry as we said good-bye to Great-Grandma for the last time. After the funeral, we all gathered at a nearby church and ate finger sandwiches and snack foods. Most laughed and talked about the good times they had with Great-Grandma, while the others sat and listened. The mood was lighter after that little gathering, but some of the sadness still remained.

Mom and I had said good-bye to our family members as we hopped into the car for the two-hour drive back home. We didn't talk much, just listened to the radio and looked out at the sun setting over the highway. We had been on the road for about forty-five minutes when I noticed a plastic bag at my feet. "Mom," I asked. "What's in the bag?" She looked down at it. "Just a few clothes that Great-Grandma said I could have. There's more of them stashed in the trunk." "Oh." I replied and we continued to drive in silence. A few minutes passed when Mom broke the quiet and said, "There's something for you in the bottom of that bag too." I looked at her in confusion for a moment and then stuck my hand into the bottom of the plastic bag. I pulled it out and felt the tears rushing out my eyes when I saw what it was. "She wanted you to have it." Mom said softly. In my hands was the bear pillow. My little piece of Great-Grandma. The tears poured out of my eyes and I smiled. I took the pillow and put it on top of my head and that was where it stayed for the rest of the ride home. I didn't care who saw me because it was our little inside joke.