Baby, I Think I Love You

I pulled myself from bed at around nine in the morning. Jasper was still gone, but I didn’t want to talk to him just yet anyway. Avery was in his room, and it was easy to assume that he’d left the second I’d fallen asleep. But he was a sweetheart nonetheless.

I slipped into some flip-flops and headed down the driveway, getting the mail. I trifled through it. All of it was bills addressed to the working man of the house. Except one.

I stared at the envelope as I made my way back to the house. My name was scribbled across the front, and Edwin’s name was on the back. I ran to my home and opened it quickly before nerves could get the better of me.

“Jade,
There are so many things that I wish to say to you, but words leave my lips weak. They say that where words fail, music speaks. I was sitting here, alone (since you have the kids in your warm embrace), and I couldn’t help but turn on the radio in the hopes of killing the sound of my thoughts. A song was ending, and I got the chance to listen to the next song. They didn’t state the title or author, but these words spoke to me. They told me exactly what my heart could not tell me directly. I knew that I missed you dearly, but I picked out some lyrics. I hope you’ll find as much heartbreaking meaning in them as I did. Know that throughout the entire song I was thinking of you and wishing the pillow next to me was my sweet Jade.

The first line that made me think was, ‘I will save this empty space next to me like it's a grave where I lay a place for us to sleep eternally together’. Why did it make me think? Well, I made you a vampire and expected that you would always stay with me in our living-dead days, but now all I have is an empty space next to me in this bed.

This is truly self explanatory: ‘I have been searching for traces of what we were.’ I just can’t seem to find enough things to remind me of you. I certainly don’t have enough memories of you to last me an eternity.

Ah, and, ‘A ghost of you is all that I have left. It's all that I have left of you to hold.’ Do you know how incredibly impossible it is to hold a ghost? No matter how hard I try, your fading presence dances out of my reach.

‘I wake in the night to find there's no one there but me and nothing left of what we were at all.’ Do you know how many nights I awake from my dreams of you only to find myself miserably alone? No more can I fool myself into thinking you’ll come back to me... Writing that really killed me.

This line made my heart break even more: ‘Here I am pacing around this house again with pictures of us living on these walls’. Yes, I still have all of the pictures hanging anywhere they fit. I have us with baby Avery and Monique right after we got home from the hospital. I have us with Quinn and Nathaniel. I have...you and me. I looked so happy to be holding you in my arms, but... But I don’t know how many tears I’ve shed just from seeing my long-lost happiness.

Then it said: ‘And I'm not looking for anything but us—anything but what we were.’ Really, do I have to explain this? All I want is you. If I could just relive one day of having you with me, I would die as happy as I could be. Just kissing those gorgeous lips of yours once more would give me enough peace to let my soul rest easy. Funny, I never thought I had a soul, but you insisted that I did. I’m starting to believe you.

Lastly, all I can say is, ‘And I'm not asking for painted memories: I only want to know you're here.’ That’s not entirely true, but it would be enough. I just want you to be happy, but it would be just perfect if you could be happy with me. It’s enough to know you’re alive and happy. That’s the thought that gets me through everyday, Jade. I just think, ‘My sweet Jade is so happy, so carefree.’ As long as your eyes are shining with joy...

I could live off of the light in your eyes. I swear your smile could light up the room, but I would not know. Jasper knows. And if he doesn’t treasure every second he’s holding you, then he is a moronic man not fit to even glance in your glorious direction.

I don’t say this to make you sad for me. I don’t say these things to make you feel guilty. I especially don’t tell you how I feel because I want you to break your own heart to mend mine. I only wrote this letter because I couldn’t keep this inside any longer. Whenever I see you, I swear my heart almost starts beating—every single time, I swear. For a second I almost pull you to me and kiss you, but then I see the ring on your finger only to find that it’s not the one I had picked out.

Jasper won the prize, but you’ll never step off of your pedestal. I guess what I’m trying to say is this.

Juliette-Jade, I’m still so madly in love with you. I know that it is unrequited, but I’ll never stop loving you, just as I promised you so long ago.

And on the day I lost you, I had cried for the first time in over a hundred years. I had thought the tears had dried up, but you make my knees weak and my lip tremble. I can’t help but cry at the mention of your name.

I love you so much, and for all the pain I put you through: I’m sorry. I know it’s not much, but I’m so very, very sorry. No words will fix the damage I’ve done, but I’m being put through misery to keep you happy. Surely that proves my sincerity, doesn’t it? I’m sorry for how long this was, but I had to say everything. I don’t care if Jasper comes to kill me in my sleep, should you choose to show this to him. I would be easy prey considering I haven’t seen too much blood in quite some time. Anyway, now that I’ve told you he can murder me on the spot. I’m at peace.

My pillow still smells like you, Jade. Or maybe I imagine it. Either way, it lulls me to sleep every night...”