Baby, I Think I Love You

Loneliness was not something I was very used to. But I needed to do some serious thinking, so I just had to suffer through it.

Why was it that I always had to think when it came to Edwin? Shouldn’t a meant-to-be relationship be as natural as breathing? Yeah, but way to put it, but oh well.

Life isn’t supposed to be this hard. I was supposed to find the man of my dreams, fall irrevocably in love, get married, and maybe have kids. His parents would be the sweetest couple alive. Our children would be little angels. We would be faithful to each other.

Life just liked to throw me curve balls, I suppose. Edwin was a great guy, but he went to great lengths to keep me. Sure, he cared enough.

I mean, he had always been absolutely paranoid of losing me.

"Jade, you're not going to leave me, are you? For Gage? For Jayden?"

Even still, he’d gone as far to threaten to kill himself!

“I could have lost you! Jade, you’re the love of my existence and I just got you back! I can’t lose you again. I can’t lose my fiancée a day after I get her. I would have killed myself, you know?”

“Yes, and that is why you're sticking around. Lazarus will have a daddy and mommy who love him very much. And his mommy will never leave daddy because daddy would die without her...”

I worried about him, I really did. Actually, he’d tried to kill himself many times. He’d gone on a month long blood strike after we broke up for the last time. I had to run over there and force him to drink it! Plus, he’d done that, too, when we’d broken up thanks to Jayden. He made me worry something awful, but I probably worried him that much when I refused to drink blood as well.

Still, I loved him with all of my heart. There was no way that any other man could mean to me what Edwin still does.

So was I supposed to be with him? There was always this small chance that my soul mate was out there, still searching for me. What if I went back to Eddie only to find someone else? I’d leave him again. The poor man could only take so much abuse before he’d crack. I couldn’t live with myself knowing I’d killed him.

But I didn’t even deserve him anyway. I’d left him so many times, yet he always took me back. I couldn’t keep doing this to him...

I grabbed my suitcase. I wouldn’t be needing to unpack here. Jasper and I were supposed to take a vacation to Colorado, so I grabbed the ticket out of my belongings. Edwin could keep the children. He would take better care of them than I ever could.

“Dear Edwin,

“I’m sorry. I just can’t love you ever again. You broke me beyond repair. If you did it again, I wouldn’t have Jasper to build me back up. You’re a fucking bastard, and to be honest it’s hard to look at you. You can keep the kids. You may be an unfit lover, but you’re an okay father. Well, you’re better at parenting than I am.

“I’ve decided to move on and start a new life. Don’t look for me. Colorado is a nicely populated city, surely there’s someone there that I’ll love. Even if I don’t, I know I’m better off alone that I would be in your arms. I’m sorry it didn’t work between us. Go find a nice girl for yourself.”

I dropped the paper, sobbing. I’d never lied so much in my entire life! I yanked the tissue box off of his dresser and sat on his bed for a while, crying. I stood up, tossing the tissues in the trash.

One last glance at the bed... It was more than I could bear.

I could see myself still lying with him, snuggling into his chest and kissing him while he told me he loved me beyond anything else.

He deserved a girl that would be faithful to him, not a cheating tramp. I pulled myself to the back door, wishing this was all a dream. I would wake up eventually, but I knew I wouldn’t be in his bed when I did.

I’m sorry, Eddy. I love you so much.