You Belong With Me

Alex’s P.O.V.

The next few days went by in a blur. The soccer game was cancelled after everyone found out what happened. A lot of our friends and family came to our house for comfort or just to remember Eric. I don’t remember much besides people constantly coming up to me and telling me how sorry they were for my loss. That’s great, but it’s not going to bring my brother back. To be honest, I tried to block it all out.

My father later told me that a suicide note was found in his bedroom. It had said that he loved all of us and none of this was any of our faults. Next to it was a letter from the head of the athletics department at the University of Maryland. The letter stated that they had found out that Eric failed a class and his GPA fell below the minimum needed to be on the soccer team. When I visited his apartment later, I saw that only his clothes were in the closet; it appeared that Holly had left my brother. All of his dreams were shattered, so he just gave up.

Barbara had to take over planning for the funeral because my mother just couldn’t do it. In fact, she rarely came out of bed anymore even if we had company and she never bothered to shower or get dressed. She refused to let anyone see her, not even me. Everything reminded her of him. I hated seeing her in so much pain; how was I supposed to help her if I couldn’t even help myself? It was like she had stopped living, even though she was still physically breathing.

Of course Taylor was with me the whole way. She never left, not even when Katelyn came over to see how I was doing. At night we would crawl into my bed and she would fall asleep in my arms. Most of the times, I would just lay there and watch her sleep. I guess I should mention that I have taken up the habit of becoming an insomniac. There were times when I purposely tried not to sleep because I knew I would have nightmares about Eric and there were times when I just couldn’t sleep at all.

Sometimes, I would just lay awake in bed and stare distantly into space, not thinking about anything and numb to the world. Other times, I just could not get Eric off my mind no matter what. On such times, I would go sit by my desk with a dim light on and just write in my notebook. It would make me feel better, yet emptier at the same time.

According to Jack, they had set up a tiny memorial for Eric at our high school. A lot of kids there still knew him, or at least knew of him. His picture had been hanging outside the athletic office ever since he graduated a few years back and everyone had heard stories of what an amazing player he was. Local magazines wrote articles about him and how he was going to make it to the big time. In fact, once they found out what happened, reporters came to my house and waited on my front lawn. He was a star even in death.

The funeral was scheduled to take place on the Saturday after his death. He was going to be buried at a cemetery right near the soccer field at the University of Maryland because we knew that’s what he would have wanted. The public memorial service would be held at a church right near campus in the morning.

My alarm went off at 8:30 and Taylor and I got up and got ready for the second worst day of our lives. I wore a black suit and tie and she wore a black dress that went to her knees with stockings underneath along with sunglasses to go over her red bloodshot eyes. The hearse arrived to pick all six of us up at 9:15 and we rode off to the church. The memorial service would start at 10:00.

When we got there, we found Jack standing by the sidewalk waiting. He gave each of us a hug as we got out of the hearse. I could always depend on Jack to be there.

Taylor and I had put our heads together and decided to make a collage of pictures of Eric and everything that was important to him, so we set that up on an easel that people would be able to see when they walked in. The church printed up programs for the ceremony, so we laid them out on tables in front, along with awards and metals that Eric had won over the years. My parents set up two big pictures of Eric, one on each side of where the coffin would go.

Around 9:30, people came piling in. Most of my family and friends were there and a whole bunch of people I didn’t know. The whole soccer team came dressed in uniform in honour of Eric. By the time the doors were closed and the service was about to start, there were around five hundred people packed into one church. As I said before, everybody knew him and everybody loved him.

Ten minutes before it started, I walked to a room in the back of the church where the coffin was along with my father, Jack, and many of Eric’s close friends. We would be the pallbearers. Once everyone finally settled down and we heard the organ music start to play, we picked up the coffin and began our walk down the aisle. My father and I were at the front, Jack was behind me, and everyone else was behind him. As I walked, I could feel every single eye in the room on me. The only thing that could be heard besides the music was the scuffle of our feet against the ground or the random sniffles coming from the audience. The walk down that aisle was the longest of my life.

Finally, we reached the end and carefully put the coffin down in its right place. My dad and I sat down in the front pew next to Taylor and the rest of our family while Jack and the other guys sat directly behind us.

The reverend began the service by reading passages from the bible about death and the soul travelling up to heaven. As he read through each passage, I wondered if what he was saying would actually happen to Eric. Would his soul really be looking down upon us?

Next came the eulogies. I spent a lot of time last night writing mine and I still was not quite satisfied with it. I wanted my brother to be remembered in the right way and I was nervous that this wasn’t enough. There were about five of us who decided to give eulogies: my father, Taylor, Holly, Eric’s best friend Jason, and me. My mother decided against saying anything because she knew she wouldn’t be able to get a word out of her mouth without breaking down completely. My father was the first to speak.

“How do I find the right words to describe my son?” he asked the audience. “I could use the words amazing, wonderful, caring, athletic, friendly and that’s barely scratching the surface. Honestly, before we had him, I wasn’t sure that I was ready to be a father. Then, he was born and my whole life changed. I took one look at his little face and realized that there was nothing in the world I loved more. He turned out to be the best son any father could ever ask for. He had great grades for the most part and a sure future in professional soccer. People used to approach my wife and me and ask if we happened to be the parents of the great Eric Gaskarth and we were happy to say that we were. He gave us a great opportunity to show off.” The sound of quiet laughter scattered throughout the room. “Eric could get along with anyone. If there was any kind of drama going on between his friends, he would always be the peacekeeper. There was no one he wasn’t friends with. Each day, he would bring home a different person. One day, it would be an athlete, the next it would be a gothic, and the day after that, it would be a prep. I could never keep all those different people straight.” He paused as the audience laughed through their tears again. “He could always be counted on to be the voice of reason, no matter what the situation. I will never forget the first time we went camping together. He was about fourteen years old then and had been begging me to take him for years before then. He knew what he wanted and he never gave up. We got there and found our spot. I decided to start the fire right away because we were both starving. By the time I was done, he had already pitched the tent. Here was a kid who had never gone camping before in his life, he had never even come in contact with a tent and yet he pitched it like he was an old pro. Then, that night, we were eating by the fire and this big brown bear came very close to our tent. There I was about to have a heart attack, but then I looked over at him and he was completely calm. The bear took a step closer and Eric didn’t even blink. He sat there perfectly still and waited for the bear to move away. Once the bear was gone, he continued talking as if nothing had happened. This kid was only fourteen years-old and he was already more of an adult than I was. I was so proud of him for handling these complicated and dangerous situations with such poise. He was one of the most incredible people I have ever known and I am so lucky to call him my son. I am so grateful to have even had the opportunity to have him and love him as my son. I’m not sure my wife and I will ever get past this, but I know that Eric would want us to try. He would not want us dwelling on the past and the ‘what if’s’; he always lived for the future. He used to say, ‘the past is the past, so don’t make it last.’ He would want us all to remember him for his free spirit and caring heart. We may move on, but we will never forget.” My dad wiped the tears out of his eyes and returned to his seat next to my mother.

Next, Taylor walked up to the podium with Jack at her side for moral support. Her face was wet with fallen tears, but she cleared her throat and spoke clearly into the microphone. “Eric might not have been my brother biologically, but he was my brother in every way that counted. He has been there for me ever since I moved to Maryland when I was two years-old. Our families spent so much time together that we just became one big family. He even sometimes introduced me to people as his little sister. No matter what time it was, I knew I could always call him if I needed him. I called him a few times crying and each time, he would drop everything to come see me and make sure I was ok. He was never grouchy or mad at me and he was always there to listen. I knew I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me or tell my parents if I did something bad. He never missed a concert of mine and, in return, I never missed a game of his. Afterward, he would always take Alex and me out for dinner or to a party. I always used to say that, if it wasn’t for Eric, I would be a social outcast. I used to be extremely shy, but Eric would just throw that aside and introduce me to everyone he could find; he was probably the most outgoing person I knew. Just looking at the amount of people here today shows how many friends he had and how many people he touched. He never let me sit around; I was always included in the action whether I wanted to be or not. He pretty much forced me to have fun. If anyone ever hurt me in any way, they would have him to answer to. One time, Eric, Alex, and I were all walking in the mall because we were bored and Eric heard a salesperson make a rude comment about me because I wouldn’t stop to try his sampler for a hair product. Eric literally turned around and said, ‘she won’t try your product because she already has perfect hair and you are an asshole. If I hear you say a comment like that again, I will have you fired for sexual harassment of a client.’ After that, the guy backed off and never bothered me again. Even he knew better than to test Eric. When I suffered from my first heartbreak, Alex and I literally had to hold him back and talk him out of going to the guy’s house to tell him off or even beat him up. I was always jealous of the fact that he lived in the moment. I was always that girl who was scared of the consequences, but Eric had such a free spirit that it was infectious. We did a lot of crazy things in our time, but, I have to admit that there was never a moment where I felt unsafe or regretted what I did. I knew Eric would never let anything bad happen to me. After all, he was my big brother and he was protecting his little sister from the evils of the world. Eric, I want you to know that I will always, always love you and I promise to never forget you. You’ll always be in my heart and I hope you are up there in heaven somewhere playing soccer with the greats.” She walked over to the coffin, kissed her hand, and then rubbed it on top of the wood. “I’ll always keep you with me,” she said loud enough for everyone to hear. Jack walked her back to her seat next to me.

After that, it was Holly’s turn. I studied her as she walked up to the microphone. Her skin was pale white, her face was sunken, her eyes were red and bloodshot, and her usually wavy chestnut hair hung lifelessly below her shoulders. She wore no makeup, made no effort to make herself look pretty for this occasion; it seemed like she didn’t care about anything anymore. She had become completely apathetic, shut-down, numb. She was heartbreak in the flesh.

I felt like a part of me should have been angry with her; part of the reason why my brother killed himself was probably because she had moved out. She left him and he didn’t want to live without her. Somehow, the only emotion I felt for her was sorry. Thinking back on all the times I have seen them together, I could not deny the fact that she loved him. Even now, I know that she would have never purposely done anything to hurt him.

“E-Eric was the love of my life,” she started off shakily. “We have been together for almost two and a half years. I would say that we had the kind of fairytale romance that most girls dream about. We met the first day of our freshman year in college because we just so happened to be in the same orientation group. Of course he already made a bunch of friends because he was so outgoing and also knew some people from high school. On the other hand, since I was from New Jersey, I didn’t know anyone. He saw me sitting there alone and immediately came over to introduce himself. We hit it off right away; something between us just clicked. After that, we hung out almost every day. He asked me to dinner at a nice restaurant a week later. When we were at the restaurant about to eat dinner, he asked me to be his girlfriend. We have been together ever since. I can honestly say that was one of the happiest times in my life. I had never been with anyone like Eric before. I could tell that he was someone who really cared about me and I knew that this relationship had a great chance of lasting. I just wish it could have lasted forever. He always treated me with the utmost respect and he put me before anything else; it was nice to know that I mattered so much to him that I always came first. It made me love him more than I thought I could ever love anyone else. Our friends would watch how we interacted together and then tell me later how lucky I was to have found such a great guy. They were right; I was the luckiest girl in the world. We had been dating for about six months when we finally decided that it was time to meet the family. When it was time for me to meet his family, I was so nervous that I practically made myself throw up. He was the most important person in my life, so I had to make a good impression on them. As soon as I met his family, I could tell right away where he had gotten his will-power from. Everyone in that family is so extremely driven and would do anything they could to make their dreams come true. That was what I admired most about Eric; he knew what he wanted and he wasn’t about to let anything get in his way, not even me. Luckily, his family welcomed me with open arms. That next summer was horrible because I had to go back to New Jersey while he stayed here in Maryland. We had to go weeks without seeing each other, but somehow, we made it through by talking on the phone each night before bed. He would come up and spend some weekends with me and I would go down and spend some time with him, but it was nowhere near what we were used to. Eventually, we got sick of having to go through the same cycle each summer. On the first day back to school this year in late August, he took me out to dinner at the same restaurant that he asked me out at, but, this time he asked me to move in with him. I’ll never forget what he said; ‘’I don’t want to live another day without you by my side.’ I never thought he would mean that in the literal sense. Sure, Eric and I had our differences, but, in the end, we were inseparable. I never dreamed of experiencing a love as intense as the love I had for Eric. He was everything to me, my knight in shining armour. I realize now that there may have been times where I took him for granted and I will regret those times for the rest of my life. I know that there will never be anyone else like Eric, but I’m glad that I got the chance to fall in love with him in the first place. No one will ever take his place or fill that void in my heart. I know that I will love him until the day that I die.” With that, she walked dejectedly back to her seat.

Taylor grabbed my hand and walked by my side up to the podium. Now, it was my turn. I took a deep breath and spoke as clearly as I could. This was going to be hard.

“What can I say about my brother that everyone else hasn’t already said?” I asked the audience. “I spent all last night trying to figure out what to say today. Nothing I say to you today will probably even come close to describe the amazing person Eric Gaskarth was, but I decided that I would at least try. I owe that much to him. He would have been so grateful to see all of you here; he loved all of his friends and family so much. He was the kind of man that I will always aspire to be: brave, strong, kind, selfless, funny, loving, and so much more. I always looked up to him as my role model; he was my hero and my best friend. I was always jealous of his lifestyle; he had found a girl that he was completely in love with, he had this unbelievable talent in soccer, and he was in college on a full scholarship. Who wouldn’t want that kind of life? He taught me how to live my life to the fullest and just have fun. Screw the consequences. I probably shouldn’t be saying this here, but I remember when he took me to my very first party. He was two and a half years older than me, so he already knew where to go for all the good parties in high school. I was so nervous because I had no idea what to expect, but he completely disregarded that and just threw me right into the swing of things. That night, I drank so much that it’s a miracle I didn’t end up in the hospital, but he was there beside me every step of the way making sure I was ok and didn’t do anything stupid. He kept one hand on my back as I threw up repeatedly and, when it was time for us to go home, he practically carried me to the car and then put me to bed when we got there. In the morning, he gave me a special hangover concoction that tasted terrible and told me that he was glad this happened to me. He said that, if I was going to party, I had to learn to do it the right way. He was one of the only people who supported me no matter what. I was always making mistakes and he always managed to find a way to help me fix it or make it better somehow. There have been times when I stayed out too late or did something stupid and he always covered for me no matter what. He knew me better than anyone else; I never hid anything from him and he could always tell when I was lying to him. He would have done anything for me and I would have done anything for him. When I suffered from my first heartbreak, he let me take my anger out on him and, after that, he did everything he could to help distract me. I’ll never forget this one day last summer when Taylor and I were just sitting on the porch swing outside and talking. All of a sudden, we both felt cold water on our backs. When we turned around, we saw Eric holding this gigantic water gun that he had just bought at the store. We ran into the garage and brought out our old water guns and got into a huge water fight until dark. By the time we were done, we were completely soaked with no bathing suits on, but we didn’t care. We were together having fun and that’s the only thing that mattered. That’s part of the reason why everyone loved Eric so much; he was so spontaneous that he would do anything at any time of the day. Some may have dared to call him wild, but everyone wished they could be like him. He was always the life of the party. He was truly one in a million. The way I feel right now is unexplainable; I just lost one of the most important people in my life. This is worse than any kind of pain I have ever experienced before, but I know with every fiber of my being that he loved everyone close to him with all of his heart and, somehow, that comforts me. When he died, he took a part of me with him. Never again will I be able to get into those big water fights with my brother, go to parties with him, call him up randomly when I need his advice, or just have fun with him. Now, every time I go to sleep, I see his dead body laying there in that hospital bed and I can’t get that image out of my head. A few nights ago, after I woke up from that very nightmare, I wrote a song about Eric that I would like to play for you now.”

I walked over to the corner on the side and picked up the acoustic guitar that people from the church left for me and walked over to a chair set up right next to a microphone. Taylor walked back to her seat to watch me sing. She had been standing beside me with a comforting hand on my back throughout the whole time I was speaking. “The song is called ‘Lullabies’,” I said into the microphone and began to sing.

“Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye -
it could be for the last time and it's not right.
"Don't let yourself get in over your head," he said.
Alone and far from home I’ll find you...

Dead - Like a candle you burned out;
spill the wax over the spaces left in place of angry words.
Scream - To be heard, like you needed any more attention;
throw the bottle, break the door, and disappear.

Sing me to sleep, I'll see you in my dreams,
waiting to say, "I miss you. I'm so sorry."

Forever's never seemed so long as when you're not around
it's like a piece of me is missing.
I could have learned so much from you but what's left now?
Don't you realize you shot this family a world of pain?
Can't you see there should have been a happy ending we let go?

Sing me to sleep, I'll see you in my dreams,
waiting to say, "I miss you. I'm so sorry."

Sing me to sleep.
Sing me to sleep.
Sing me to sleep.
Sing me to sleep

Sing me to sleep (You've taken so much with you...)
I'll see you in my dreams, (But left the worst with me...),
waiting to say, "I miss you. I'm so sorry."
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.”

I couldn’t control the water spilling from my eyes as I finished out the songs. I would never be able to tell him just how sorry I really was.