Forget Me, Not

“About what?” I asked. I wasn’t ready to talk to him, I wasn’t ready to have him forgive me for something I hadn’t forgiven myself for. Maybe I did understand him. I did understand why he wants to forgive me. It has been a long time, he wants to let go, wants it all to go back to normal. But I don’t think I can. He remembers the time he had to think, to hate me, but I don’t remember anything, this is all new to me, it’s like I was living the after drunkenness again. Like I had been sober only for the past hours and that only now I had understood the real weight of what I had done. Even Bob said I had felt like this before, but I don’t remember feeling it, I don’t remember coming to terms with myself and I don’t remember forgiving myself, so he’s gotta give me time to do it. On my own.

“About us. About what happened.” He took a step closer, and this time I didn’t stepped back.
“I already know. I already know everything you might possibly tell me. I understand what you felt and I know you don’t need more time, but I do. I haven’t had that time you had, I don’t remember it.” This time I took a step closer.
“It wasn’t easy for me.” Gerard said. “How would you feel? How would you like it if your best friend, your boyfriend, the person you most loved in this world did to you what you did to me?” He asked me, but there was no hint of madness and he hadn’t raised his voice.
“Well, how would you feel if you had woken from a coma and had no idea who your best friend’s were, who you were, or what happened? And what if you ended up remembering that you love one of your band mates, the one that was treating you bad, and what if he had told you that you used to beat him up? That you used to beat up the person you most love in this world? If you discovered that you were a monster and had not more than hours to come to terms with it? Would you want to be forgiven?” I asked in the same tone.

“I don’t know.” He admitted.
“Me neither. But I know I need time. I can’t let you forgive me.”
“Let me help you. I don’t care what you tell me, I wanna help you, help us going back to what we used to be.”
“That’s the thing I most want to avoid. What if I hurt you again? I’m afraid Bello.” He smiled, if it was at me or at the nickname I don’t know, but I need to think it was for me. He touched my hand as if he was afraid it would break. My hand won’t but my heart might. At least until it gets to an atom and can’t break anymore. “I need sometime alone. Maybe I should go home. I’m okay now. I haven’t got my memory back, but I think I already know enough.” He bit his lip.
“You shouldn’t worry about the past. It… It was hard for me too. I thought it was still hard, but it isn’t anymore. What is hard now is knowing you’re hurting. What I thought was hard because of what happened, was hard because I wanted so much to forgive you and a part of me wouldn’t let me.” He held my hand in the middle of his hands.
“I… The least I can do is try, for you. But, give me so time. I still think it’s better if I go home.”
“If you think so. I just want you to let me forgive you. You know deep down you’re already forgiven, but if you need time to accept it… You should have it.” I looked him in the eyes. That look was the same as a hug, just not so physical, I think neither of us would like the physic contact, it would only be awkward.

I was leaving. I packed my thing and was about to leave.
Ray had gone home already. He was still mad, but hopeful he’ll be okay when I come back.
I talked to Mikey and Bob and they thought it would be a good idea to go see some old friend, change airs, and they didn’t want me home alone. I kind of agreed. I wanted to change airs, and maybe it would be a good for my memory if I talked to someone else, lived different old memories. So here I am.

Mikey still didn’t know about what happened. It was bad from us to keep it from him, as he was the only one that didn’t know, but Gerard didn’t want to tell him, and we all respected it. Even Ray, from what I was told.

Gerard wanted to talk to me before I left. I agreed and followed him to his room. I had badly closed the door when he embraced me in a hug. I was shocked at first but hugged him back.
“I’ll miss you Bello.” I said, almost whispered, afraid it would break our embrace if I talked too loud.
“I’ll miss you too Doll.” He said in the same tone. “Make sure you stay in touch.” I promised I would and he let go. He gave me a paper folded in four. “It’s something I wrote, so you won’t forget about me. It has got my contacts there, so you have to excuse to not keeping in touch.” I smiled and hugged him again.
“I’ll never forget you.” I assured him.

Now, here I am, in a plane, going to a place that should be familiar to me, but I have no idea of even being there. I’m missing home, as much as Gerard’s house can be home, and I’m missing my Bello. I remembered the paper I had saved in my pocket and took it out. Now that I remembered it, I felt a really strong curiosity to what it said. I unfolded it and saw two papers. One had his contacts as he said it would and the other was the actual letter. I started reading:

Doll:

I can’t wait for the time to pass.
I know it won’t pass fast enough, I just regret not forgiving you sooner, then maybe you would still have your memory, who knows? Maybe we would be happy now. Don’t take it the wrong way, I’m happy, but maybe we could do better.
You don’t know how much time will pass until you come back, I don’t know either, but don’t take too long.
All this I’m writing, aren’t half the things I’m feeling, but today I don’t feel like I can do better. I just hope you’ll end up understanding what I’m feeling without the need to be told.
In the end, I want to wish you a good trip. I want you to remember everything we lived, but forget the bad moments. Just don’t forget me.
I know I’m a coward to tell you this by a letter, but, as I said, I don’t feel like I can do better. I still love you and I want you back. I know, maybe not now, or when you come back, but I won’t forget you, I can wait. I need to wait.

Forget me, not, Doll.
Love
XG