Who Can Really Blame You?

My chest has bruises now too, but there are scratches and scabs from the belt on them. It’s not bad, but still. He broke the skin.

I sit in Carter’s car, not speaking, and watching the houses pass.

“Why don’t you pick up your girlfriend anymore?” I ask. He sighs.

“She got a car,” he says.

“You don’t see her much, do you?” I ask.

“In class,” he says. I look at him.

“That’s romantic,” I tell him. He smiles, but it’s sad.

“I know,” he sighs, “but I don’t have any fun with her friends, and you guys are my friends and she doesn’t like you, so I just told her to chill with her rude friends and I’ll hang out with my loser friends.”

My eyes widen.

“Did you dump her?” I ask.

“No,” he says, “Thinking about it, but I didn’t.”

“Thinking about it?” I ask, “Why?”

“We’re too… different,” he says, “I still like her, but not like I did. You know?”

“No,” I say making him laugh. “Well, I don’t. I’ve never dated anyone, so I have no clue.” I say. He nods as we pull up next to the twins’ house. They’re already waiting with Hadley.

“What are you doing here?” I ask her, through the window.

“My parents kicked me out,” she says, “Mae came by again.”

“She promised,” Carter sighs.

“You okay?” I ask her. She gets in and nods.

“Yes,” she says, “I like living with TNT more than my parents.”

“TNT!” Talia says, high-fiving Tayler.

I roll my eyes.

“So,” Carter says, “Was your dad pissed last night?

I look at him.

“Nah,” I lie, “he was passed out when I got home.”

He smiles. “That’s good, I guess,” he says.

I nod. Talia and Tayler exchange looks.

They know he doesn’t know how good that is. I give them both looks.

“I’m going to go talk to Kate real quick,” Carter says, standing, “Be right back.”

“We need to talk,” Talia says.

“Does Carter know about your dad?” Tayler asks.

“He knows he’s an alcoholic,” I say.

“But the other part?” they ask.

“No,” I say. They sigh.

“Shouldn’t he know?” Hadley interjects.

“Why? So I can seem even more pathetic?” I shoot back.

“Guys,” Max says, “This is Ainsley’s life. Let him make his own decisions.”

I smile at him.

“But I feel awful for not telling Carter,” Talia sighs.

“It’s not your secret to tell,” Max says.

“Exactly,” I say.

She sighs, but admits defeat.

“Besides, he’s getting better about it. I haven’t gotten any since the eye.” I say, hoping to cheer her up with the lie.

“Really?” she asks, obviously impressed. I nod, and she smiles. “Good,” she says.

“Yeah,” I say, and leave it at that. Carter’s coming anyways.

“You know what I think?” Hadley asks me as we walk to class.

“What do you think?” I ask, “Other than I’m amazing.”

“I’m serious, Jacobs,” she sighs, “I think this is going to end messily.”

“What will end messily?” I ask.

“You know. The whole, “Oh, my new best friend is a kid I think is gorgeous and I’m in love with him” thing you have going on,” she says. I glare at her.

“I don’t,” I start off, but she raises her hand.

“You don’t have to lie to me,” she says. I wince. She gives me an odd look. “Just… please, be careful. Last night you were kind of… forward,” she says, “That whole hair thing, you know.”

“No, Hadley. I don’t know,” I tell her, stopping in front of her, “First off, this whole thing can’t end, since nothing’s started. I’m not some pitiful charity case. Why do you constantly worry about me? Is it so you don’t have to think of how fucked up everything is for you?”

She stares at me, and then slaps me across the face. I stare at her, and almost glare until I see she’s crying. I throw my arms around her.

“I’m sorry, Hadley,” I tell her, “I didn’t mean that.” She pushes me away, wiping her eyes angrily.

“You act like it’s some crime I’m concerned for you, Ainsley,” she practically spits, “I heard it, okay? I’m not living it, but every time he comes to get you or you’re late home, I can’t sleep because all I hear is you crying, and all I see is your bloody nose and bruises. And I express concern for my best friend and he’s insulted? I’m not saying that you can’t handle yourself or your life, but I know damn well that you can’t control what you feel, and I see you digging that hole everyday you spend with him. It’s going to kill you, and I warn you and you throw that shit at me? Fuck you.”

“Had,” I say weakly as she turns to leave, “I’m sorry.”

“Everyone’s always sorry, Ainsley,” she tells me, pausing and turning back to me, “We’re just human, but lately you act like you’re not. You won’t be able to stop yourself from loving him eventually. He is a great guy, and he’s good to you. I just don’t want that to be added to everything else in your life.”

I let her go when she walks away, and when she turns the corner, I ignore the bell for our last period of the day. I head into the bathroom. I shut the door quickly, and lean down against the wall.

“Why do I have to fuck up everything?” I wonder aloud, before pulling my knees to my chest and resting my forehead there. The door opens and hits me. “Ow!” I exclaim, just as Carter rounds the door, looking surprised.

“Bad place to sit,” Carter tells me, “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I mumble rubbing my elbow. He’s the reason Hadley and I are fighting.

“What’s wrong?” he asks. I look up at him.

“What?” I ask.

“You look like you’re about to cry,” He says, glancing at the door, “And I didn’t throw the door open very hard.”

“Oh,” I mutter, still holding my elbow, “Hadley’s mad at me.”

“For what?” he asks me, sitting down across from me.

“Because,” I sigh, “She keeps worrying about me. I yelled at her because… worried friends get old. I mean, I appreciate it, but I’m fine. She should be worrying about more important things.” Carter frowns, but I keep going. “So I yelled at her, and said that she only worries about me because then she wont notice how fucked up she is, and she started crying and slapped me, and left.” I sigh, and look away from Carter, who looks surprised.

“That’s an easy fix,” he says, “Just apologize, and tell her you know you were wrong. Girls love wrong boys.”

I smile, but shrug.

“I apologized right after I said it,” I explain.

“She just needs time then,” Carter says, standing and putting his hands out to help
me.

“I suppose,” I mutter as he pulls me up.

“Hey,” he says, ‘Be happy. We’re out for summer in two days. Freedom.” He throws an arm around me, and tell me that class started already.

“I know,” I tell him, shrugging his arm off me to wash my hands. He doesn’t move or say anything for awhile.

“What’s going on with you and Max?” he asks suddenly. I glance at him in the mirror. He looks worried.

“Nothing,” I say, then remember what Max has said, “Well, he still likes me, but I still just look at him like my friend.” I pause. “It’s hard for me to like people I’m friends with.” I say, mostly for my own benefit.

“Oh,” he says, “What are you going to say when we get to class?”

“Oh,” I say, “I don’t know. How late am I?”

“Like ten minutes,” he says, pulling his pass from his pocket, “Here, just change the stuff around, and pretend you were held behind for class. I don’t need it to get back to my room anyways.”

I smile, and find a pencil in my book bag. I erase the time and destination, and change it quickly.

“Thanks,” I tell Carter, who shrugs.

“I’ll see you later,” he says.

“Okay,” I say, “you riding everyone home again?”

“Oh,” he says, deciding, “Yeah. Kate wants to talk to me after school though, so I’ll be a bit late to my car. Just hang out around it until I get there.”

“Alright,” I say, opening the door, “See you.”

He waves and we head off in opposite directions.