Who Can Really Blame You?

Tears are going down my face like crazy as I make my way slowly down the road to who knows where.

I don’t know why I’m crying. I just can’t stop.

A car slows down next to me. I glance over, expecting to see someone I don’t know, but instead see Carter leaning into the passenger seat to see me.

“What are you doing?” he calls out, rolling down the window.

“W-walking,” I reply. He parks the car and I stop.

“Why are you crying?” he asks, getting out. I step back from him. He stops walking to me.

“I don’t know,” I tell him, putting my arms around myself again. He starts towards me slower this time.

“What happened?” he asks. I stare at his shoes.

I don’t say anything for a second; just watch his feet make their way closer to mine. I look at his face when his feet are in front of me, and just as he opens his mouth to speak I answer him.

“Max,” I say, “I went to his house and he kissed me again, and he…. He scared me.”

Carter stares at me.

“Why did you go to Max’s house?” he asks, searching my face.

I don’t say anything for awhile. Am I going to tell him?

“My dad was drunk,” I mutter, “He… he doesn’t know what he’s doing sometimes.”

“I don’t know what that means, Ainsley,” he says quietly.

“He gets angry and he does stuff,” I mutter, staring at my feet.

Carter doesn’t reply for a moment, and I feel more tears gather in my eyes.

“Are you saying he hits you?” Carter asks me, finally, seemingly out of breath. I cover my face, tears slipping out, and nod. My face feels hot, and I’m ashamed.

Carter puts his arms around me, and I feel my heart sink.

“Why would you go to Max’s house?” he asks me, rubbing my back.

“B-because Hadley’s l-losing sleep over me and she’s staying with the twins,” I say, knowing my voice is muffled.

“Why didn’t you come to me?” he asks, hurt.

“Because you hate me!” I exclaim, pushing him away suddenly. He stares at me.

“No I don’t,” he tells me immediately.

“Yes, you do,” I say nodding and wiping at my eyes, “In the car today it was like you couldn’t stand me being near you.”

“Ainsley,” he says, but then goes quiet.

“What?” I ask him, “You know I’m right.”

“No,” he says, “You’re not. I don’t hate you.”

“Then what was today about?” I exclaim.

“I’m sorry I’m upset about getting dumped!” he shoots back. I fall silent. “Come on,” he says finally, sighing, “You can stay at my house.”

I don’t move.

“Ains,” he says, “Get in the car.”

“I…” I begin to argue, but finally just get in the car. Carter gets in, starts it back up, and heads back to his house.

I’m currently sitting on the floor in Carter’s room, wearing a pair of pajama pants he lent me, staring at my hands. I’m such a baby. Carter sits motionless on his bed.

“I shouldn’t have told you,” I decide aloud, glancing up at Carter, who looks right at me.

“Why not?” he asks, looking at me and slightly surprising me that he knows what I’m talking about.

I don’t answer for a moment. “You’ll worry, won’t you?” I ask him, not meeting his eyes.

“Probably,” he says.

“Exactly. I don’t want a bunch of teenagers worrying over me.”

“So that’s why you’ve just now decided to tell me? You didn’t want me to worry?” he asks, pushing his hair from his face. I nod and shrug simultaneously. “Well, I was already worried. Your dad is an alcoholic right?” he asks me.

“I’m not a total liar,” I mutter, putting my arms around my waist again.

“I wasn’t… I didn’t say that,” he says sadly. I look at him finally. I’ve never seen Carter upset, except over his ex-girlfriend.

“Carter,” I say edging to the bed. He looks further away from me. “Carter,” I say seriously, “What’s wrong?”

“This isn’t no big deal, Ainsley,” he tells me. I stare at him.

“Carter,” I say slowly, kneeling next to the bed, “I’m fine.”

He doesn’t look at me.

“Look at me;” I tell him sternly, he does after I repeat it, “I’m fine. I’m not bleeding. Nothing’s broken. I’m fine.”

Carter stares at me. “For now,” he tells me. I wince.

“I don’t get why everyone’s always so worried,” I mutter, leaning back and sitting down again. Carter nearly glares at me.

“It’s not normal for someone’s dad to beat them, Ainsley,” he says, “You don’t deserve that. Of course we’re worried.”

Liar, I think, staring at my hands. People get what they deserve.

Carter sighs, and I look back at him.

“What else is wrong?” I ask him, biting my lip. He looks surprised for a moment.

“Things are just weird for me right now,” he admits. My head tilts to the side.

“What do you mean?” I ask, biting at my fingernail.

“Me and Kate are over,” he says, “And I don’t even care. I mean, I care because we were together for so long, but I don’t care. I don’t think I really cared for her towards the end.”

I accept this easily.

“I’m sorry,” I reply, “About you two.”

He shrugs, and pats the bed next to him, lying down. I stand uneasily and pause a moment before scooting into the queen sized bed with Carter, who flips off the light next to his bed.

He sighs sadly a moment later, and I turn over, to face away from him.

“Don’t worry, Cart,” I whisper, knowing he hears me, “You’ll find another girl.”

“You forgot to change?” Talia asks me, as Carter and I wait on her doorstep. I push past her into the house.

“No,” I reply, “I stayed over at Carter’s last night. You got any of my clothes clean?”

“Yes, and why?” she asks.

“I need to wear clean clothes to school,” I say dumbly.

“Not that, reeree,” she sighs, “Why’d you stay at Carter’s?”

Carter comes in next to her.

“My dad was flipping, and Max tried to make a move on me at his house,” I reply. Talia glances at Carter. “No worries, he knows,” I reply.

Talia stares in between us.

“So, about those clothes?” I ask her, taking her hand. She nods, and leads me to her room, where she finds me some clothes in a daze. She finally comes out of her fog when I tell her she has to leave so I can change into my clothes.

She huffs and slams the door. I change my shirt quickly, into one I haven’t worn since I was twelve, but still fits me miraculously, and a pair of skinny jeans that I’d left here three months ago.

Everyone’s waiting in the living room.

“Hi?” I ask them.

“While you were naked, we all talked,” Talia says.

“We don’t want you staying at home too much over the summer,” Tayler blurts. I know I look surprised, but then I just feel annoyed and oddly tired.

“I’m staying home,” I tell them.

“Please don’t,” Hadley says, biting her lip. I cover my face so I won’t see her cry.

“I’m fine at home,” I say, “I’ll be fine. My dad will work all day and pass out at home.”

“We’re worried about the in between of the work and passing out. The part where he gets drunk,” Talia says. I uncover my face and glare at her.

Carter still hasn’t said anything, and I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

“Guys,” I mutter, falling into a chair.

“Ainsley,” Tayler says, “We’re only caring.”

“It’s annoying,” I tell him. He stares at me.

“You’ll stay at someone’s house at least three times a week okay?” Talia asks me. I shrug.

“Not if I’m grounded,” I reply.

“Fine,” she says, everyone glaring at her, “Shut it. I’ll take what I can get from him.”

Hadley sighs, but still looks like she might cry.

“So what happened with Max?” Tayler asks. I turn red.

“Uh,” I start off, “From the beginning?”

“Duh,” Talia sighs.

“O-okay,” I mutter, turning redder, “Well, he told me he still likes me a few days ago, and I was nice about it, but I didn’t think I was… sending out signals or anything. Well, last night my dad got really angry so I just left.”

“Did he… last night?” Hadley asks. I sigh.

“No,” I lie, “So I didn’t want to come here and worry everyone, and I didn’t want to go to Carter’s so I went to Max’s house.”

“Why not Carter’s?” Talia asks. I glare at her.

“I was mean to him yesterday,” Carter admits. I ignore his admittance and continue on.

“So I got there and we were just hanging out and he… kissed me. And I flipped out and started crying and left really quickly.”

“You cried?” Tayler asks, making me go red all over again. Talia hits him. I don’t answer.

“Shit,” Carter says suddenly, “We’re going to be late!”

Note to self: Thank Carter later.