Who Can Really Blame You?

I wake up, the room dark still. I cover my face tiredly as my dream comes back to me and I begin to remember it all.

Mostly it was just Carter and me hanging out like we used to.

The pain erupting in my chest might just be worse than the pain that shows up after a dream when Carter and I are more. I guess missing us being friends hurts more than knowing that I might have missed out on us being more.

I fall back into my pillows, completely exhausted. I pull my hand away from my eyes and glance at my clock, which tells me mockingly that I only managed three hours of sleep tonight, after struggling to fall asleep for two hours before that. I never could fall back asleep very well after I’d woken up.

Rolling over, I bury my face in the pillows and make a loud, frustrated noise. This life is entirely too monotonous.

I get out of bed, dragging my blanket behind me and make my way tiredly to the bathroom. I throw my blanket in the tub and climb in after it, wrapping it around me, and waiting for something to happen. I don’t know what, but something’s bound to happen at 5 in the morning, somewhere.

I hear Hadley roll over in bed, and I close my eyes.

“I’m here,” I call out as I enter the store.

“And am I supposed to fall at your feet?” Bernard asks, as he moves past me, “Bye Nick!”

I stare at him as he leaves, glaring, until he’s out of my sight. I turn to go sign in, and see Nick hiding in an isle. I stop and look at him, hands on my hips.

“Had fun with Bernie?” I ask.

Nick looks up at me suddenly, very red in the face.

“Shut up,” he mutters, standing to his full height. I think he’s trying to intimidate me to shut up. It won’t work, since we’re basically the same height now.

“I’m sorry,” I lie, following him into the back where I sign in as he grabs a box of CDs, “Please tell me? I have no other reason to live!”

“What about that kid you were flirting with?” he asks me. I glare at him and follow him back out into the main shop.

“I’m willing to let that slide if you please tell me,” I say, moving behind the counter as he disappears behind another isle.

“No,” he says.

“Oh, I see,” I reply. He pops up to give me a confused look. “You don’t kiss and tell,” I explain. He turns red and I gasp dramatically. “You totally let him have but sex with you!” I exclaim. Nick’s face goes even redder.

“No!” he argues.

“Then tell me what you did do and I’ll believe you, but until then I’m assuming your ass virginity was taken by Bernie,” I say.

“We kissed, that’s it,” he mutters, ducking behind the shelves again. I move out from behind the counter and rush to where he’s hiding.

“So do you like him still?” I ask, leaning on the top shelf. He glares up at me, shrugging. “You totally gave away your gay lip virginity to Bernard and you don’t know if you like him?” I ask incredulously.

“I do like him, now shut up,” he mutters. I glance up when the bell above the door jingles and smile at a customer.

“Okay,” I agree, moving back to the counter, “For now.”

He sighs loudly.

“So, you like him, you kissed him,” I recap for Nick who’s rolling his eyes and adjusting a display, “And you’re going on another date with him?”

“He didn’t ask,” He mutters. I feel very bad for Nick suddenly.

“You need to tell me everything so I can assess the situation,” I say, sitting down next to him on the floor.

“It doesn’t matter,” he says, “I’m more into girls anyways.”

“But how do you know he’s not your soul mate?” I ask, “And I’m really sorry if he is.”

Nick glares at me. I shrug, and lean around the isle when the door bell goes off.

“Oh look who’s here,” Nick says, after I’ve leant back into the isle hurriedly, “I’ll never let you live this down.”

“Live what down?” I question, “You’re just saying stuff to sound hardcore.”

“I never say anything to sound hardcore,” he says gravely. I shrug.

“You just did,” I say. Nick drops the CDs he was holding and pounces on me, making me make a very embarrassing noise. He stops with his hands around my throat jokingly to laugh at my scream.

“You scream like a girl!” he laughs. I try to knock him off me just as a shadow goes over my face. I glance up, with Nick’s hands around my throat, to see Mitchell looking at us unsurely.

“Is everything okay?” Mitchell asks.

“I’m being molested,” I say, shrugging. Nick makes a gagging noise.

“Ew,” he says. “No offense,” he adds in after seeing my hurt expression.

“Just get off of me,” I whine.

“Take it back then,” he says.

“Fine, you never ever say anything to sound cool,” I sigh.

“And say that you’re forever in debt to me,” he orders.

“No!” I say, “Because I’m not.”

He shrugs and sits down on my stomach, making me wince.

“Ow! You’re too boney! You hurt me,” Nick whines. I knock him off of me finally and roll out of his reach.

“That’s what you get for attacking children!” I point out, standing up. I wince again and grasp my stomach. “I think I have internal bleeding,” I say accusingly to Nick. He looks at me worriedly.

“We have insurance, go to the doctor,” he says, brushing it off when I stand back up.

“And say what? Oh my straight friend was straddling me too hard, and now I’m
bleeding internally?” I ask.

“And they’ll tell you it’s your fault for being so skinny,” he shrugs, getting up finally, and messing up my hair. “Treat him good,” he says to Mitchell before heading into the back room.

“I hate you!” I call after him. He flips me off as the door slams shut, and I sigh, looking to Mitchell. “Hi,” I say. He’s smiling.

“Hey,” he replies, “So, other than internal bleeding, what’s up?”

“Nothing,” I reply, smiling goofily, “Working. You?”

“Talking to a cute guy,” he shrugs, making me go very red. I go to the counter and sit down behind it.

“Sorry?” he asks as he leans onto the counter.

“No worries,” I assure him, and give him a reassuring smile. He smiles back, and looks away from me.

“Are you straight?” He asks slowly. I shake my head and he seems to calm.

“Have your classes started?” I ask conversationally.

“Nah,” he says, looking back to me, “They’re in two weeks. I have no idea how to get to them though. The campus is all spread out.”

“It’s not so hard once you get the hang of finding your way around here,” I assure him.

“You’ve lived here a long time then?” he asks.

“Kind of,” I shrug, “I lived in the suburbs with my dad, and then I got emancipated, so now I live in my apartment, like three streets that way. I just came here a lot while I was living at home.”

“So you could show me around?” he asks, giving me a cute expression.

I sigh dramatically, “Well, I guess so.”

He smiles widely and bounces onto the balls of his feet.

“When would be a good time?” he asks.

“Well, I’m off in half an hour,” I offer. He nods, and heads to the exit, shoving his hands in the pockets of his black jeans.

“I’m going to go back to my dorm and grab my schedule,” he says when he reaches the door.

“Bye,” I call out. Once the door closes, Nick explodes from the back room.

“What happened?” he asks.

“I’m showing him around the city in half an hour,” I reply, and then ignore his badgering for the rest of my shift.

I step out into traffic, gesturing for Mitchell to follow quickly. We hurry across the road, and I stop in front of a building that apparently holds his math studies course.

“Well, this is your last class,” I say, staring up at the building. He stands next to me, looking up too.

“I hate math,” he sighs. I turn to look at him, smiling.

“Me too, but you signed up for it,” I say, shrugging. He glares at me for a moment before glancing back up at the building. I look back up at it with him.

“I think I like you,” he says casually, still looking up. I turn to look at his face, still studying the building, while my face goes red. He finally looks at me, smiling.

“You’re awkward!” I exclaim, shoving him lightly.

“Well, don’t act like that doesn’t get you hype,” he says cockily.

“I don’t even know you,” I sigh as we turn down the sidewalk and head off towards his dorm.

“You’re one of those kids?” he asks. I look at him for a moment.

“Super Virgin?” I ask, “Yes.”

He looks me over quickly. “Never even kissed?”

I swallow quickly. “I have,” I mutter.

He throws an arm around my shoulders comfortingly.

“Shut up,” I laugh, wriggling free of his grasp. We stop in front of his building.

“So,” he says slowly, leaning against his building. I look at him expectantly. “You never said what you think of me,” he pouts suddenly. I roll my eyes, but my face goes red so the effect is kind of lost.

“You’re cute,” I shrug. He gives me a look. “You’re nice and cute, okay? I would like you way more if you had met me four months ago,” I sigh, rubbing my eyes.

“Are you… dating someone?” he asks suddenly.

“No,” I say tiredly.

“So what are you talking about?” he asks, standing back up straight.

“I—I don’t really want to talk about it,” I say, avoiding his gaze, “It’s a very bad story.”

“I have time for anything,” he offers. I smile at him.

“You’re sweet,” I say decidedly, “Maybe later.”

He shrugs. “Okay,” he says, “See you later then.”

“Okay,” I agree, and turn to leave.

“Can I at least have your number? You’re killing me here,” he exclaims.

“Tell me yours and I’ll txt you,” I sigh dramatically. He eagerly recites a few numbers to me and I type them into my phone. “Bye,” I say, turning away and heading off down the road.

He’s sweet.