Who Can Really Blame You?

“I’m glad you two can be friends,” Talia says, “I think it might be good for you.”

“You mean it might be good because he can drive?” I ask. She shrugs.

“Maybe,” she smiles. I roll my eyes and look up when a horn honks in front of us, waiting at the bus stop to go downtown.

“It’s my dad,” I say, standing, and heading over to the car.

“Get in Ainsley,” he tells me. I stare at him.

“But me and the twins are going downtown,” I say through the open window.

“No you’re not,” he says looking at me. I step back.

“You’re drunk,” I accuse.

“Get in the car, Ainsley,” he says angrily. I bite my lip.

“Let me drive,” I tell him.

“Get in the car!” he yells, making me step back.

“Not unless I’m driving,” I tell him.

“I’m a grown man,” he says, “Now get in the car.”

I glare at him.

“No,” I tell him. He puts the car in park and gets out on his side.

“Get in or I’ll put you in,” he tells me. I glance at my friends, who are watching us carefully. There are people everywhere, and I don’t like making a scene. When I look back up, my dad’s in front of me, taking my arm roughly and pushing me in the car. I move my leg quickly when he slams the door, and watch him walk to the other side of the car. I know I look surprised. This isn’t like him.

He climbs in the car, slams his door angrily, and shoves the car into drive. I stare at him, and only look away when we pass my friends. I stare at them and Tayler gives me a hopeful finger-cross. I smile weakly, and wave.

My dad doesn’t say anything while we drive home, and he doesn’t until we get inside, where he slams the door, and turns on me.

“You try to make me look like a fool in front of everyone! I go to work everyday, and try my hardest to provide for your ungrateful ass! Do you know how hard I’m workin’ for you? You don’t even care that I’m workin for a promotion!” he yells in my face. I stare at him, scared.

That’s why he’s drinking so much, he’s stressed.

“Dad,” I say weakly. I feel like he might hit me, but he just keeps yelling.

“You’re ungrateful, just like your mother!” he screams. I move away from him and yelp when he punches me in the stomach. I fall to my knees.

“I’m sorry!” what am I sorry for? “I won’t do it again!” What did I even do?

I hear my dad breathing, and when I peek around my fingers, he swings his leg back and kicks me hard in the stomach. I gasp, and clutch at my stomach until he leaves the room.

I get up, and go. That’s all I can think to do.

I’m halfway across the lawn when I my phone goes off. I answer it.

“Hey boy,” Talia says.

“Hey girl,” I reply.

“Your dad totally pissed?” she asks.

“No,” I reply, “He just had a bad day. What are you doing?”

“Chilling at Carter’s,” she says, “Wanna come?”

“Yeah,” I reply, “I don’t know where he lives though.”

“We’ll come get you! He lives nearby actually. Carter! We have to go get Ainsley!” she yells. I sit down at the end of the driveway to wait for them. I glance over my shoulder to make sure my dad doesn’t know I’m leaving.

“You guys coming?” I ask into the phone.

“Yep,” she replies, “We’re already in the car!”

“Oh,” I say, “How long?”

“Like forty-five seconds,” she tells me. Sure enough, I see them rounding the corner a moment later. I stand and climb in when they pull over.

“Hey Ains,” Carter says.

“Hey,” I reply.

“Your dad’s really not mad?” Talia asks me.

“Really,” I lie, “We just went inside and he stomped around for awhile.”

“Sweet,” she says.

“I had no idea you lived so close to me,” Carter says, glancing at me in the rearview mirror.

“Yeah,” I reply, nodding.

“Now you two can have sleepovers and stuff,” Talia says, “It’ll be sweet.”

“Talia,” I sigh, “I can have sleepovers with anyone, no matter how far away their house is from mine.”

“Yes,” she admits, “But you two’s sleepovers will be convenient.”

We turn down a road I’ve been down once, and stop at the third house. We get out, and I look at Carter’s house.

“You’re allowed to go inside, too,” he tells me, standing next to me. I jump, and he laughs. I nod, and start up the lawn.

Talia rushes ahead of us, and bursts into the house.

“Is your mom home?” I ask, “Because if so, she just had a heart-attack.”

He laughs, “No, my mom’s shopping for groceries.”

I nod as we make our way up the steps.

Talia suddenly appears on the front porch again, looking worried.

“Tayler! Come on! Mom found out that we painted the bathtub!” she yells, then turns to us, “We gotta go. Tayler painted on the tub, and my mom wants us to wash it off.”

I pat her on the back.

“You have real talent at doing things I would never think of,” I tell her.

“I didn’t do it,” she says, pushing past us as Tayler comes out. “Hurry up!” she tells him, and they both start down the road. Talia shoves him hard, making him bounce off a car. The alarm goes off and they run.

“Oh my,” I say, “We should go inside.”

“Yeah,” Carter says worriedly, before pushing me inside.

“Hmm,” he says, “Well, now that everyone’s gone I don’t know what to do.”

“I don’t care,” I reply, just as a woman walks inside the house.

“Hey mom,” Carter says. I look at her. She looks just like Carter, or vice versa, but her black hair has a bit of gray in the bangs, and her eyes aren’t blue.

“Hello darling,” she says, shutting the door, and trying to keep a hold of all the grocery bags. Carter stands gracefully and takes most of the bags from her.

“This is my friend, Ainsley,” he says as he walks past me.

“Hello,” she says, then looks surprised, “Are you alright?”

“What? Oh, yes.” I reply, realizing she’s talking about my face, “I got mugged last week.”

“That’s awful,” she says, “Nice to meet you, though.”

“Mutual,” I reply, as she heads into what I assume is the kitchen, where Carter is leaning against the wall watching me.

“What?” I ask him. He blinks, and stands up straight.

“Nothing,” he replies, “Mom, is the book club meeting tonight?”

“Yes,” she calls back, “I’m sorry, but I’ll need the living room.”

“It’s fine,” he tells her as she appears in the living room, “We’ll chill in my room.”

“Alright,” she says, smiling at me as I stand to follow Carter down a hallway.

“Nice to meet you,” I tell her.

“Mutual,” she replies, smiling. I return it, and turn to the hallway, which Carter is paused in, watching us.

“Your mom is nice,” I say, pushing my hair from my face, and looking at the hallway we’re walking through. “Is this you?” I ask, stopping in front of a picture of a boy who looks like Carter.

“No,” he says, uncomfortable, “That’s my little brother, Jason.”

I look at him, “How old is he now?”

“He died when he was three,” Carter says, shoving his hands in his pockets, “He had leukemia.”

I want to say I’m sorry, but I don’t.

“Was it bad?” I ask, walking down the hall again.

“For us or for him?” he asks.

I think for a second as Carter opens a door, “Both.”

“He went four months after diagnosis, so for the last four months of his life he had no hair and was puking from all the chemo. But he was happy, in a weird way,” Carter shrugs, “My parents got split after he died.”

“Jeez,” I say entering Carters room, which is covered in posters of local bands, and has tons of pictures of him with people.

“I… I was only eight,” he says, flopping onto his bed and looking at the ceiling.

I don’t say anything. He had the opportunity to change the subject, but he kept going. He wants to say something.

“You know, I hated my parents and the doctors for a really long time after it happened. They kept saying, “If you give him a kidney, he’ll live; just one more bone marrow transplant, Carter.” I always agreed, but he died anyways and now if my kidney goes bad I’m fucked,” he sighs.

“You gave him a kidney?” I ask, surprised. I sit on his floor.

“Yes,” he says, “His kidneys were failing and his liver was next, and they were going to take some of that from me for him. It only would have bought him a few days, but a donor was lined up, but the liver wasn’t ready for transport. I would have let them take part of it too… I was young, but I knew about the stuff they would do to me. I just wish it had been for something. I really wish it had worked out.”

“I’m really sorry Carter,” I say finally.

“You held out on the pity for awhile,” he says, looking at me and smiling.

“I hate it when people feel bad for me,” I shrug, “So I assume everyone else does too.”

“Well not everyone, but I do,” he says, rolling onto his stomach and looking at me.

“Why did you suddenly start talking to me?” I ask him after a moment of silence.

“What?” he asks, staring at me. I lean against his dresser.

“Well, I went to school with you all last year, and all this year,” I say, “And all of a sudden you start talking to me a week before summer vacation. So why now?”

His face looks contemplative for a moment before he speaks. “You looked really sad in the bathroom that day, and I was worried if you were okay. You were bleeding really badly.”

“So you decided, based on the fact that I was bleeding badly, that you would be my friend, and start hanging out with all of my friends?” I ask, smirking.

“If you don’t want to talk to me, don’t,” he says, suddenly.

“I didn’t mean that,” I say, my eyebrows furrowing, “It’s just an odd way to make friends. You’ll end up with all the nerds and losers that get beaten up everyday.”

“You’re not a loser,” he tells me. I look at him and shrug.

“Maybe not now, but eventually,” I sigh.

He doesn’t say anything for a minute.

“Why did Talia think your dad would be mad at you?” he asks me. I feel my face pale slightly.

“My dad’s an alcoholic,” I say after a long moment of silence, deciding that honesty may be best here, “So sometimes he’s just angry.”

“Woah,” he says, “Has he always been?”

“No,” I say. He nods.

“What happened?” he asks a minute later.

“My mom left,” I sigh, “Broke his heart. Then he got fired and we almost lost the house. Now he’s drinking a lot because he’s working for a promotion.”

“She left? Like just packed and went, or died?” Carter asks me, resting his head in his hands.

“Left. She packed everything she cared about, and took it,” I say, glaring at my hands, “Left me, too.”

“Ainsley-” he starts, but I cut him off.

“I remember when it happened. I got home, and surprise, everything’s messed up, things are missing. My mom’s missing. I just sat there in the living room until my dad got home. He found her letter, saying some shit about loving us but that she couldn’t take care of us. She just didn’t want us,” I sigh, “Whatever.”

“Ainsley…” he says again, “I’m sorry.”

“Why?” I ask, looking at him.

“Because you don’t deserve that,” he tells me, “You’re a good person.”

We don’t say anything for a long time.

Finally, I say, “Thank you.”

He just smiles as his mom calls out that pizza’s here. I stick my hands up for Carter to grab so he can pull me up. He smiles and takes my hands to pull me up. I kind of melt.

We’re sitting down for dinner, something I can’t ever remember doing, when my phone goes off in my pocket.

“I have to answer it,” I say, excusing myself and heading outside to the backyard.

“Hello?” I ask, after I’ve closed the door.

“You need to help me,” Hadley exclaims, “Mae is sitting out on my front lawn!”

“Is she angry?” I ask.

“No! She’s apologizing! My parents aren’t here thank god or they’d shoot her, but I can’t talk to her! I need to get over here, help me! If they see her here, I’m so dead!” she exclaims.

“What do you want me to do?” I ask seriously.

“I have no clue!” she cries.

“Listen, me and Carter will come and get her off your lawn, okay?” I ask, “Just let me ask him.”

“Okay! Just hurry! She’s practically serenading me!” Hadley exclaims. I cover the mouth piece as I poke my head into the kitchen.

“Hey,” I say, making Carter look at me, “Wanna go save Hadley?”

“Sure,” he shrugs, “I’ll be home before eleven, mom.”

“Have fun, darling,” she says. I tell Hadley we’re coming and hang up.

“So what’s going on?” Carter asks me.

“Eh, Mae’s trying to win Hadley over,” I sigh.

“What?” he asks, getting in the car.

“Oh… Uh, well Hadley admitted that she’s in love with her friend, Mae, and Mae didn’t take it well and they didn’t speak all week, and now Mae’s trying to win Hadley back, and Hadley just wants to get over her.” I explain as we drive towards Hadley’s house, “I don’t blame her either. She’s been caught up on Mae for like, a year now. I’d try to move on too.”

I turn red. I’m a liar.

“Jesus,” Carter says, turning into Hadley’s neighborhood.

“Oh my god,” I say as we pull down Had’s road.

“What?” Carter asks me.

“She is about to serenade her,” I say as we pull up in front of Hadley’s house, where Mae is stationed crossed-legged on the lawn.

“Hey Mae,” I call out, feeling oddly like one of those people that tries to get suicidal people to not jump off of tall things. Mae glances at me, then turns back to the house.

“I’m on a mission, Jacobs,” she calls out, looking back at Hadley’s house.

“Me too,” I say walking up to her, “I’m here to remove you.”

“What? Why?” she asks, glaring at me as I sit down next to her. Carter stays leaned up against his car.

“You broke her heart, Mae,” I say shrugging, “She just wants to move on. This isn’t fair to her.”

“I love her, Ains,” she whispers, “I’m not scared anymore.”

“Well, this isn’t the way to win her over again,” I say standing up, and holding my hands out to her, “If her parents see you, she’ll be in deep shit. Let’s go get ice cream, Mae.”

“No,” she says crossing her arms, “I only want her.”

“I don’t care,” I say stubbornly, “You’re hurting her. Get up and let’s go.”

“I don’t want to hurt her,” she tells me, looking in my eyes. I nod.

“I know,” I reply, “So let’s go. She’ll call you when she feels better about all of this.
Mae gazes at Hadley’s house longingly before accepting my help with getting up. When she’s straightened up, she looks at me seriously.

“What happened to your face?” she asks as we head over to Carter’s car. She stares at him.

“I got mugged,” I shrug, “This is Carter. Carter this is Mae.”

“Lovely to make your acquaintance,” Mae says, getting in the back of the car, “I was promised ice cream.”

“Guess who’s paying,” I say sorely. I barely have any money, but it’s for Hadley’s mental health, so I can deal.

“Alright,” Carter sighs, “We’ll go get ice cream, then you’ll promise to stop bugging Hadley about you two, and then we’ll take you home.”

“Fine,” Mae sighs, as we pull off. I look back at Hadley’s house where her smiling face is in the window, giving me a thumbs up.