Who Can Really Blame You?

“Oh my god,” I sigh after we’ve dropped off Mae, who apparently gets drunk over ice cream, and ended up crying and telling us how beautiful Hadley is and how much she loves her.

“I know,” Carter says rubbing his face.

“I’m sorry,” I laugh, “I shouldn’t have signed you up for that one.”

“Whatever,” he says, “It was oddly fun.”

“Yeah,” I sigh, leaning my head on the headrest, “Are you dropping me off?”

“Yes,” he says, “but first, I want some caffeine.”

“Me too,” I say as we pull into a convenience store parking lot.

We go in together and get drinks, before Max walks in, and glares at me.

“Want me to throw him down?” Carter offers. I shake my head, smiling.

“No!” I laugh, “He’s just sad.”

“He’s a prick,” Carter remarks, glaring right back at Max as he walks by.

“Not really,” I say, grabbing Carter and pulling him up to the register. An old woman stares at us.

I put my drink on the counter and she rings it up, before Carter puts his money on the counter.

“Hey,” I say, “I’m paying.”

“You already bought me ice cream, though,” he says, giving the money to the woman.

I make a face and take my drink from the woman. Max gets in line behind us.

“Let’s go,” I say to Carter after he pays for his drink too.

“Fine by me,” he shrugs, and we move to leave.

“Ainsley?” someone calls. I turn, surprised, and look at my feet when it’s Max. “Could I talk to you?” Max asks, ignoring the woman behind the counter. She leaves a moment later, grumbling.

I look at Carter, who looks as suspicious as I’m feeling, but I nod anyways, and tell Carter I’ll meet him in the car in a minute.

Carter looks at me, shrugs, and heads out the door. I stand there waiting for Max to buy his stuff.

“So, you’re driving?” I ask him when he approaches me. He nods. “Sweet,” I say, and we fall silent, “What did you want to talk about?”

“Oh, yeah,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck, “I wanted to apologize… for punching you… For everything.”

I stare at him, “I’ve already forgiven you.”

“Well you shouldn’t have,” he says, looking at me, “I was awful.”

I shrug, and glance at my feet.

“I just… I just want us to be okay again. I miss you,” he says, “And I regret what I did, and I really am sorry.”

“I’ve been fine with you, Max,” I say honestly, “And the apology is accepted. I don’t know what your new friends will think though.”

“Eh,” he shrugs, “I told them about me today. They reacted how I expected, so I figured I had better apologize to the only real friend I ever had.”

“What did they do?” I ask him.

“Gave me a bloody nose,” he shrugs, “But what’s really going on, you know… with the bruises?”

He gestures to my face and I shrug.

“Dad’s been drinking,” I say. He nods. Max was the only one who never told me I was being stupid for staying. He respected that.

“Alright, well I’m glad we talked,” he says honestly.

“Me too,” I say, smiling, and moving towards the door, “Bye.”

“Ainsley?” he calls after me again. I stop and look at him.

“Yeah?” I ask, pausing with the door half open.

“You and that kid going out?” he asks. I turn bright red.

“No,” I say, “He has a girlfriend.”

“Oh,” he says, joining me at the door, “Sucks huh?”

He walks away, gets in his car and drives out of the parking lot. I’m making my way slowly to Carter’s car when I realize what he meant.

He thinks my heart’s being broken.

“What did he want?” Carter asks when I get in.

“He apologized,” I say quietly.

“Really?” Carter asks, obviously caught off guard. He pauses with the key in the ignition.

“Yeah,” I reply, “He really was just sad.”

“Awkward place to apologize,” Carter says, starting the car.

“Yeah,” I say, “It was really weird.”

Carter nods, and I suddenly feel extremely awkward. I’m riding around town with someone I’ve had a crush on since last year, who has a girlfriend. I have a sick feeling that Max is right.

“You okay?” Carter asks me. I jump at his voice, and look at him.

“Oh, yeah,” I say, “I was just thinking about something Max said. It’s stupid.”

“What did he say?” Carter asks. I bite my lip.

“Just something about my dad,” I say, “He doesn’t really know anymore though.”

Carter nods, and turns down my road.

“Ainsley?” Carter asks before we park in front of my house.

“Yeah?” I ask as he puts the car in park.

“Are you…. Are you gay?” he asks me, looking right at me.

I don’t say anything for a minute. During that time, my stomach sinks so low that I can feel it in my ankles.

“Yes,” I admit, “I thought you… knew.”

He nods, but doesn’t say anything else. We sit there for a good few minutes, before I get out, and start up my lawn.
“What, no goodbye?” he calls out of his window.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” I admit, “I’ll see you Monday.”

“Ainsley,” he calls out, “You won’t!”

I don’t answer, just shove my key into the lock and let myself inside.

I wake up on Monday with a headache, having slept about eight hours all weekend. My bruises are fading quickly, and I’m thankful. I looked like a trouble maker with a bruised up face.

“Ainsley?” My dad calls out. I wince at his voice, partially because of the volume, and partially because of his tone.

“Coming,” I call out, pulling pants over my bruised legs and a clean shirt over my head. I don’t look half bad when you can’t see all the marks under my clothes.

I appear in the kitchen, where my dad is sitting, drinking some coffee.

“Yeah?” I ask, standing in the doorway.

“Where did all my drinks go?” he asks. I bite my lip.

“I poured them out,” I tell him, quietly.

“Why?” he asks, glaring right at me. I stare at my feet.

“I don’t want you to drink anymore,” I say, looking up from the tiles for a moment. I look down quickly.

“Did you buy those drinks?” he asks me, calmly.

“No,” I mutter.

“What was that?” he asks loudly.

“No, I didn’t buy the drinks,” I say back. He stands up, and moves towards me. “Don’t,” I say, putting my hands in front of me. He grabs my arm, twists it quickly, making me gasp, and knocks me onto the floor, where he puts his foot on my back. Instinctually, I hold the back of my head so he won’t hurt it. He kicks me once in the side, and then stomps out.

I gasp slightly with every breath I take, and feel tears drip down my nose, and onto the floor.

I finally make myself stand and rush outside to catch my bus, at my own stop for once.

“Ainsley,” Tayler says. I look up as the bus hits a bump in the road. “Carter told us what happened Friday,” he says, “We’re worried.”

“Why?” I ask, pausing for oxygen, “I just backed off… I didn’t want to like him more than I do.”

“Ainsley,” Talia says, “Please talk to us. Are you hurt?”

“No,” I sigh, “I mean… Not in the way you mean.”

Talia sighs as we pull up to school.

“What happened?” she asks me, “I mean, what’s your side of it?”

“Nothing happened,” I sigh, “He realized I’m a fag, and now he’s going to be awkward around me.”

“You’re an idiot,” Tayler says, “Carter’s not like that.”

“Everyone’s like that,” I shoot back, angrier than I intended.

“We’re not,” Talia says fiercely, “Hadley’s not either.”

“Three people, great,” I mutter, as we get off the bus.

“Ainsley, talk to him,” Talia says, “He doesn’t care that you’re gay. The only person that does is you.”

I stand on the sidewalk, looking at them.

“You’re right,” I sigh, “I’ll talk to him.”

“Good, because he’s walking over here,” Tayler says, pulling Talia off. Sure enough, a moment later someone taps my shoulder. I turn and grin sheepishly at Carter, who smiles weakly back.

“Listen,” I say, turning to face him completely.

“I’m sorry,” he says, cutting me off, “I didn’t think I was acting… weird, but if you thought I was, I’m sorry. I honestly don’t care.”

“Okay,” I say, giving him a real smile. We begin making our way to where everyone sits before classes start.

“I know someone who wants to meet you, though,” he tells me. I stare at him.

“You’re not fixing me up right?” I ask. He busts out laughing.

“No,” he says, “My girlfriend wants to meet you.”

“Oh,” I say, smiling too, “Okay.”

He pulls me towards a group of upperclassmen, all very hardcore in a noticeable way. Some people give me weird looks.

“Kate,” Carter says, tapping the shoulder of a blonde girl, she turns in her seat, smiling, her Monroe piercing dangling a bit.

“Hey,” she says, pulling him down for a kiss. She pulls away and looks at me.

“This is Ainsley,” he tells her, gesturing to me. She smiles slightly and says hello.

“Hi,” I reply quietly, then look to my shoes.

“You’re that kid,” she says, “Didn’t you molest someone last year?”

I turn red.

“N-no,” I say, looking at her, “That was just a… rumor.”

Carter gives Kate a look.

“I didn’t know it wasn’t real,” she admits, then turns to Carter, “Are you ditching me for your new friends today too?”

“Uhm,” he says, looking at me. I shrug. “No,” he says. She smiles. “I’ll see you later Ains,” he tells me. I take one hand out of my pocket and wave lamely, before turning and heading off.

“He seems like a loser,” someone says when they think I can’t hear them.

“What the fuck happened to his face?” another laughs.

Carter doesn’t say anything. I hurry to my usual spot.

“You talked to Carter’s friends,” Talia says in awe.

“They’re really mean,” I say.

“What?” Hadley asks, looking at them.

“Kate mentioned the rumor that I molested Max, one of her friends called me a loser, and another made fun of my face,” I say, “But I guess they thought I couldn’t hear them.”

“Jesus,” Tayler says, “I hate people like that. They’re no cooler than you.”

“Yes they are,” I sigh. He shrugs and nods at the same time. He knows I’m right.

Everyone sighs.

“So Carter stayed there because…?” Talia asks.

“They’re cooler than us,” Hadley sighs. I nod.

“Fuck them then,” Tayler says.

“New topic,” Talia says.

“Oh yeah,” I say as Max approaches me, “Max apologized.”

“What?” Tayler asks.

“I forgave him,” I say, “Please do the same?”

Max reaches the group and everyone goes quiet.

“Hey guys,” he says. I smile.

“Hi,” I reply. Hadley’s the next to greet him, then Talia, and after a nasty glare from all of us, Tayler says hello.

“Could I ask everyone to forgive me,” Max begins, “and could I sit here?”

“Forgiven,” Hadley says.

“Ditto,” Talia says. She hits Tayler.

“Whatever,” he says. I glare at him.

“I’ll take that,” Max says, rolling onto the balls of his feet, “Can I sit?”

“Yeah,” Talia says. He smiles at her and plops down next to me.