Devil's Work

Frank tells me that today is special. He says that I’m officially six months old now, and that it’s been officially four months since he and Gerard have brought me home. He wants to take out birthday candles and make a cake, but Gerard seems iffy about it all. He says that a half birthday is useless since we’re going to celebrate my first one in six months, and what, we’re going to put half a candle on the cake?

Gerard tells me later in a quiet voice that Frank is just excited to be my new daddy, and so is he. He says that we have to “cooperate” with Frank or else he’ll get sad.

I’m placed in my seat in the kitchen and Gerard turns on the TV. I am immediately mesmerized by the colours as he tells Frank to warm up my breakfast.

“That’s it!” Frank sounds like it’s his birthday, too, so excited. “We’ll make her a cake for breakfast!”

Gerard looks cross. “No, Frank,” he tells him sternly, “Kaitlynn can’t even eat solid foods yet! What’s the use in baking a cake?”

“It’s the gesture, Gerard.” Frank smiles sweetly before taking out a box with a picture of a cake on it, and a silver bowl. Gerard shakes his head and stands to warm up my breakfast himself, but I don’t want him gone. I try to grab onto his arm and tell him that I want him to sit with me instead, but I’m not big enough to reach his sleeve.

Tears fill my eyes as Gerard gets up and towers over me. I think a whine escapes my lips, but I just want him to know that I don’t want him to leave his spot.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Gerard coos when he hears me whine. He sits back down and I still try to touch him with my palms. He pulls me onto his lap. “Frank, she knows when people are leaving her! Isn’t that sad?”

He speaks as though I don’t hear him talk. But I know what he’s saying. I know what they always say, don’t they know that? I just can’t talk yet, but I feel big.

Frank drops his spatula and comes over to Gerard and me. “Sweetie pie! Beautiful baby,” he croons, his hands smoothing the little hair I have on my head. “Gerard is only getting you yummy-yummy food. Don’t you want to eat? Aren’t you hungry?”

I whine again, clinging to Gerard.

Frank pauses and then he murmurs, “She...” And then he looks curious. He shakes his head and smiles at me. “I’ll make her breakfast, Gerard. You can go watch TV with her.” He leans in and kisses Gerard on the lips.

* * *

After I’ve had my midday nap, Gerard and Frank play with me.

They have so many toys in one room. It’s across the hall from my bedroom, and Frank calls it the Play Room. It’s got stuffed animals and paper to draw on, and a chalkboard wall and a mural of a castle with a princess on it on another wall, Frank points out to me. He says Gerard has just finished painting it, and now we can play in it.

Gerard sits with me in the middle of the room and Frank takes out different toys, giving each one to me for a bit. He wants to see if I like them. I only squeeze them for a bit before giving them back. I only want to play with Gerard and Frank.

“Just give up,” Gerard sighs as Frank takes out another toy. I ignore it and cuddle with Gerard, who lays me on the floor and then plays something called Peek-a-boo with me. It’s so funny because one minute he’s hiding his face with his hands, and then unexpectedly, his hands fly open and he’s making a silly face.

Frank plays with me too after a while. He looks angry as he puts away the toys, saying under his breath, “Figures. I knew it. She wouldn’t even want toys. Huh.”

Later after dinner and my bath, Frank dresses me in my pajamas on the table where he usually does. He tells me how much he loves me like he always does. And then he starts to talk to me like I’m big, which I like the most.

“Guess what, Kaitlynn? Tomorrow you’re going to meet your Grandma Linda! Isn’t that great?” Frank sounds excited again, and I like when he sounds excited. “We waited just to make sure that you weren’t taken away from us. And now it’s been long enough, so you get to meet her!”

He giggles happily and then quiets his voice. His eyes gleam like he’s really proud, like the time Gerard told him he couldn’t fix the kitchen sink but he did.

He finishes buttoning up my pajamas and then kisses me on the forehead, then my nose, then my stomach. I look at him after his odd action.

“Just like my mommy used to do when I was little,” Frank chirps, and then he picks me up and places me in my crib. He picks up his guitar and then plays me a lullaby like every night.

And I wonder when I fall asleep, what is a mommy?