Spiderdom and the Quest for the Sky Cat

Dom was walking with no sense of purpose, angry with himself but most of all angry with Matt. He was just so… annoying. He sought some peace and quiet, something to calm his nerves. So he went to Dash.

He knew it was a pathetic thing to do, stooping to the lowest of the low in order to get some peace, but Dash worked wonders on Matt, so why should it be any different for him?

Dash lived in an abandoned slaughterhouse. Actually, she had seven locations, but the one you had to go to for business was the slaughterhouse. Dash was the one that had caused the word “abandoned” to be added on the front of the title. “Haunted”, “spooky” and “just plain scary” were also words associated with the giant industrial building. From the outside it looked imposing and threatening; from the inside it looked, well, imposing and threatening. It was decorated in blood red and black furniture, with a really freaky painting of her on the back wall. Her eyes followed you around the room quite literally; each deep brown pupil was actually a motion-sensitive camera.

Dom stuffed his hands in his pockets and wandered over to the secretary’s desk, where a man looking very Gerard Way-ish stared at Dom through bloodshot eyes. “Miss Dash is not taking clients at the moment, sir,” he drawled.

Dom grinned. “The weasel is in the kitchen, Mister Darlington.” He said, twiddling his eyebrows.

At once My Chemical Disaster stood up straight, his face stretched in the effort of a smile. “Come right this way, Mr. Howard.”

Emo Guy led Dom down a few corridors, along a pipe, up an elevator, down some stairs, up some more stairs, through a giant fish-tank and into a rather large room. A fire was crackling in the grate. There was a gothic table behind a faux bear carcass rug on the floor, and behind the table there was a large, oval silhouette.

Sad Simon left the room. Dom stared at the silhouette without breaking eye contact or blinking. The silhouette got thinner and then bigger again; there was a girl sitting in the oval-shaped chair, smirking and steepling her fingers.

“So. You came to me, Dominic,” she said in a Russian accent.

“Yeah, absolutely no need whatsoever to scare me with the theatrics,” Dom said sharply, walking up to the table and picking up a letter opener encrusted with a fanged serpent, complete with ruby eyes, staring at it intently. “Dr. Dementia and I—”

“Are finally getting married? Good news, good news,” Dash said, pulling out a nail file and inspecting her blood-red fingernails with apparent interest.

“No,” Dom snarled. “We had a falling out.”

“Ooh, that’s always good. Matty’s in a good mood when he’s angry,”

“Listen, Dash, he has a girlfriend, alright? A nice, good girlfriend who’s kind to him and cares about him, so he doesn’t have to sit and talk to poor Amie down in the basement.”

“Amie? Who’s Amie?” Dash asked.

“The girl he made out of pasta,” Dom sighed. “Something went wrong and she’s alive. Poor thing, all she ever tastes is pasta. Occasionally she throws up meatballs, but nobody knows why.”

Dash stared at Dom. “Are you being serious?”

“Yes. Now give me some drugs, or I’m going to punch you.”

Dash laughed delightedly. “You’re turning evil, finally! And I thought the day would never come, Spiderdom.”

Dom narrowed his eyes, pursed his lips and said nothing more, just holding out his hand and looking at her with wide eyes.

Dash grinned and reached inside her pocket. “Give this to Matt. It’ll help him find the Sky Cat.”

“It’s real, then? There is a key to eternal life?”

“Yeah. And it rests on the hairless body of a really, really, really fugly cat that lives at the centre of a volcano.” She handed Dom a small black device like an USB key. It was beeping quietly. “The beeps get louder closer to the volcano. It only works for the Sky Cat’s volcano, so you guys should be good to go.”

And then Dr. Dementia burst into the room, panting heavily. “God, the last time I ran so fast was— Dom! What in the name of evil are you doing here?”

Dom didn’t reply.

Dr. Dementia sighed. “I’m sorry, Dom. Sorry for ruining everything. Now, Dash, I’m sorry, but I really have to find a giant fish that escaped from your bowl.”

Dash opened her mouth to speak when Bee burst in through another door. “So this is Dash, eh? The Russian drug dealer?”

“It’s not what it looks like,” Dementia yelped, at exactly the same time that Dash yelled, “so you know who I am, how nice for you!”

Then Lime entered, swinging some very saucy lingerie around her index finger. “Hey, Dom, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to—oh, a gathering. Wow, all the freaks are in here. There’s Dementia, Dementia’s biatch, some Russian girl that looks like she’s about to explode someone at any second and Dom! But Dom isn’t a freak, because he’s dating me, and that’s always a good thing.”

Then Dr. Gloom appeared from the fireplace, coughing up soot. “Ha!” he yelled, sounding delighted. “The crew!” He grabbed his camera. “Oh yes … this is the best photoshoot ever!”

With a bang and a puff of smoke, a strange pale thing appeared from nowhere.

“AMIE?” Matt shrieked.

“TOM!” Dom yelled.

“Tom?” Bee asked.

“Dash?” Tom pointed.

“Dom!” Matt yelled.

“Matt!” Dom yelled.

“Tom!” Amie said loudly.

“Amie!” Tom said lovingly.

“Dasha.” Dash said nonchalantly, sitting back to watch the pandemonium.

Dash liked pandemonium.