Spiderdom and the Quest for the Sky Cat

Dear Diary,

The Chrisonator seems to have copied me in my diary-writing.

I do suppose he is at perfect liability to do so, except for the fact that he stole my idea and I will now kill him.

So anyway. We’re packed up and ready to go, sitting in the Dementiamobile. It was Dom’s idea to call it that. He’s so clever, isn’t he?

Lime is sprawled out in the back seat, her head on Dom’s lap, while I drive and Dr. Gloom’s in the front passenger seat. I press the MIGHTY STEALTH BUTTON OF STEALTH and we blend into the sky, flying off to follow Dash’s “Guaranteed Sky Cat Finder”.

I suppose I feel edgy toward the whole “Dom is now evil” thing. I mean, I thought he was just my friend. That means I turned him.

Oh, that sounds wrong.

Well, maybe I did, what with my dashing good looks and all, and then Lime turned him the other way again. Or maybe she didn’t fully turn him and he is undecided.

Yes, that’s most probably true.

From Dr. Dementia, the Evilest of All Evil People in the World Today

“So, Dr. D,” Dr. Gloom said, stretching out in the seat and putting his hands behind his head. “How do we plan to get this Sky Cat?”

“Follow the beeping thing that Dash gave him, you twat,” Lime grumbled, her voice muffled from nestling into Dom’s lap.

“Hey, Dom, aren’t you getting a bit hot under the collar with your girlfriend down there?” Gloom asked.

Dom grinned slightly manically. “I’m just peachy, thanks, Tom.”

Lime grunted. “I wish I could say the same. He keeps moving up and down and I can’t get comfortable.”

“What?” Dom asked. “I’m sitting perfectly still!”

The silence stretched like spandex over Dr. Dementia’s massive nose.

*

“Are you sure this is the place?” Lime asked.

“Yes, I’m certain,” Dr. Dementia said stiffly. “I followed Tom’s directions exactly. Why?”

“Because this is where I do my stripping,” Lime said. She grabbed Dom’s hand. “But it’s quiet in here.” Her eyes narrowed. “Too quiet.”

Then the whole room was illuminated by a floodlight. “I knew you would come here,” said a voice in a Russian accent.

“Oh, not again,” Dom muttered under his breath. “Hello, Dash.”

“I am no longer Dash,” said the voice. “I am now… OK, I don’t have a cool name for me, so I’m still Dash, but that doesn’t matter. Why are you here?”

“We followed the magical stick!” Tom said loudly, albeit joyously.

Everyone looked at him.

“What, you mean Dom’s pe—”

“Let’s not go there!” Dom yelled. “He means, Dash, the little thing you gave us to find the Sky Cat.”

“Well, you’ve got the wrong place, because Mr. Fugly Cat Thing isn’t here.” Dash said nonchalantly. “Oh, and by the way, Dom’s stripper girlfriend? You don’t have your job anymore.”

“What? Why?” Lime asked, panicked. Dom’s arm automatically slid around her waist.

“The slaughterhouse sucks, to be honest, so this is my new HQ. I redecorated. Like it?”

“No, I most certainly don’t!” Lime slid out of Dom’s grip and marched up to Dash, slapping her full across the face. “Give me back my job!”

“Well, sadly, I don’t swing that way, or I’d have you employed doing private shows for my entertainment,” Dash said nonchalantly.

Lime’s fractured yell hit Dom’s ears like a bomb blast. “You BITCH!” she screamed.

What had been a bitch-fight developed into a full-frontal war. Dom was silently cheering on Lime, though he knew for a fact she only had a slight chance against Dash. Dementia was flailing again, and Gloom was watching with his eyes open wide, as if he’d never seen such a thing before in his life. Which he probably hadn’t.

Then Dom’s fun was ruined when The Chrisonator appeared via the front door. “BOW BEFORE ME AND MY CREW!” he yelled, and in trooped a woman, a young boy and two small girls.

“WHY?” Dementia yelled back.

“BECAUSE I SAY SO!”

“NEVER!” Matt screeched, and from nowhere he produced a large Samurai sword. He charged towards The Chrisonator without a second glance at anyone else.

The Chrisonator scowled. “ATTACK!” he shouted.

He and his demented children and wife ran towards the sword-wielding Matt.

Dom and Dr. Gloom stood in the midst of the fighting.

“I feel left out,” Dom said quietly.

“Me too,” Dr. Gloom admitted.

“You’re a massive kiss-ass,” Dom said matter-of-factly.

“And you’re gay,” Dr. Gloom replied snappishly.

“Yeah? Well, you’re a big-headed freak!” Dom retorted.

“You’re a—AMIE, MY LOVE!”

Amie had just appeared from nowhere. She was doing that a lot lately.

Gloom discarded Dom and ran straight for her. “Puke your delightful meatballs for me, my darling!”

“Er… OK… but I’m not your darling,” Amie said. She hurled meatballs out of her mouth into Gloom’s hands, and without warning he started pelting them at Dom.

Dom shrieked and dove for cover behind the stage. It was then that he realized he was in Dash’s weapons lock-up. He grabbed the nearest gun and stood up on the stage.

“Bring it, bitches,” he said, and pulled the trigger.

*

Dr. Dementia didn’t know what he expected to come out of the end of Dom’s gun, but it definitely wasn’t tomatoes.