Status: Awesomely awesome.
Spiderdom and the Quest for the Sky Cat
in which dom believes he has shat himself.
“Er, you missed a bit,”
“Shut your perfect mouth, Lamentia,”
The Chrisonator guffawed as he mopped up all of the tea he’d spilled.
“Are you finished yet?” one of the girls called from her position by the door. She was about the same height as Dementia, in other words, she didn’t have very much height to brag about, with dirty blonde, curly hair that ended abruptly above her shoulders.
“Just about,” Dom grunted. “Yeah, we’re done. Now, what is this place?”
“This is the ancient volcano where the Sky Cat thing lives and was born and crap,” said Curly, inspecting her nails nonchalantly. She looked up to see the three men frowning at her. “Oh! Right! Sorry.” She cleared her throat and clapped twice; the lights dimmed, but the room was illuminated by the glow of the lava projection above them, so it was lit with an eerie red. “This,” the girl said in a spooky voice that echoed around them, “is the ancient volcano where the Majestic Sky Cat of Eternal Life was born and does rest for eternity!”
Dom could hear the capital letters.
“And what are the tasks?” Dementia enquired, sipping on his tea with his pinky out.
“Don’t you mean the THREE TASKS OF DOOM?!?!?!/111?!” Curly yelled.
“Um, I don’t know,” Dementia frowned. “Do I mean the Three Tasks of Doom, question mark, exclamation point, question mark, exclamation point, question mark, exclamation point, forward slash, one, one, one, question mark, exclamation point?”
“Didn’t you mean to say the THREE TASKS OF DOOM?!?!?!/111?!” Curly said.
“That’s what I said,” Dementia’s eyes bulged slightly.
“No, you didn’t. You said “the Three Tasks of Doom”, when in reality it’s the THREE TASKS OF DOOM!”
Dementia pulled a face. “So you’re saying I have to say it like this: the THREE TASKS OF DOOM?”
“Yes. Well done. Brownie points for you,” Curly said impatiently and turned the lights back on. “So anyway, you have to complete the THREE TASKS OF DOOM to get the Sky Cat. Now, for those of you who do not know, the THREE TASKS OF DOOM bring together two teams for a series of contests. For each task a single contestant is selected to compete. Now let me be clear, if chosen you stand alone. And trust me when I say the THREE TASKS OF DOOM are not for the fainthearted.”
Dom frowned. “I know that speech. Didn’t Dumbledore say it in ‘Goblet of Fire’?”
Curly coughed into her hand. “Phht, no! No way! One hundred percent originality here. So anyway, the first task is—”
“To fight a dragon?” Dom giggled under his breath.
“No, not to fight a dragon, thanks very much,” Elcee said staunchly, for of course it was she. She glared at Dom. “I don’t like him.”
“Join the club,” Dementia and the Chrisonator said simultaneously.
Dom elbowed Dementia in the side. “Hey! You kissed me, remember!”
“I think,” Dementia said with his eyes closed and a sickened expression on his face, “that you were the one who kissed me.”
“Shut your face,” Dom scowled.
“You shut it for me,” Dementia retorted, twiddling his eyebrows and gyrating his hips in a very childish and thus un-Dementia-like way. “C’mon, lay it on me, baby,”
“I”LL LOCK BOTH OF YOU IN A CAGE WITH A RAVERNOUS HIPPO IF YOU DON’T SHUT YOUR MOUTHS!” Elcee yelled.
“Well!” Dementia said, shocked. He giggled suddenly. “Stop it, Dominic, I asked for no tickling,”
“I’m not tickling you,” Dom said from across the room. “I’m inspecting this projection screen. Very technological,” he said, nodding at Elcee.
“Thanks,” Elcee grinned. “It was Luna’s idea; she’s the brains of us three. Well, I think she is… Luna is brains, I’m something and Spenny is something else.”
“How organized!” Dom said sarcastically.
“So anyway! We need some teams here, people!” Elcee flailed her arms around a bit. “Otherwise this won’t work.”
Dom pulled a face. “I bag Dementia!” he yelled, running over to Dementia and clinging onto the skinny man’s arm as if his life depended on it.
“Aww, you do love me!” Dementia cooed, smirking.
“Sure I do,” Dom said uncertainly, just as several loud bangs and a squelch signalled the arrival of the rest of Dementia’s crew, and possibly The Chrisonator’s family.
True to form, Bee, Amie, Dash, Dr. Gloom, Lime, Kelly, Alfire, Frankey and Ava-Jump burst into the room. Bee squealed and ran over to Dementia, while Lime grinned and flitted into Dom’s arms. Dr. Gloom hugged Amie in a surprise attack and Dash stood all on her own.
Alfire slowly walked up to her and put his arms around her waist. “You’re not alone, sad-looking woman…”
“Get your hands off me!” Dash boomed, throwing the unfortunate boy across the room. She sighed. “This sucks.” She turned to see Bee and Dementia in a sweet embrace and pulled a disgusted face. “I kiss him way better than that,” she muttered under her breath.
Dementia spied Dash looking over at him sadly and was so overwhelmed with guilt that he couldn’t abide looking at her any longer. Bee’s arm snaked around his waist. “You OK?” she whispered.
“Note to self,” he said, seemingly not realizing Bee’s existence, “finish that cloning machine.”
“OK, everyone! ASSEMBLE!” Elcee yelled. “Now, for the first task! Choose your strongest and send them forth for this battle.”
The Chrisonator walked forwards, puffing out his chest.
Everyone was edging towards Dom on Team Dementia. He probably had the biggest muscles of them all, and that wasn’t saying much.
Amie glanced at Dementia, who was at that very second reading a pocket Bible and scribbling out the words, replacing them with “Dementia is great” and “Dr. D will rule your buttcracks with majesty”.
“Let’s not choose him,” she mouthed. Dash gave her the thumbs up, smirking.
Everyone except Dom stepped back.
“YOU HAVE CHOSEN YOUR CONTENDERS!” Elcee said, flapping her arms around in the air like an upside-down jellyfish. “COME FORWARD, DOMINIC JAMES HOWARD AND CHRISTOPHER TONY WOLSTENHOLME!”
“HOLY WHACK!” The Chrisonator yelled. “She knows our names!”
“Well yeah,” Elcee was looking at her fingernails again. “We can hack into Interpol, you know. SO ANYWAY! This first task is a test of brawn—”
“What?” Dom interjected loudly. “I have no brawn!”
“Shut up,” Elcee said flatly. “So anyway, this task is to FIGHT THE MAJESTICAL DRAGON OF DOOM AND DEATH AND DESTRUCTION AND WHATNOT.”
“I told you,” Dom folded his arms across his chest, glaring at Elcee.
“So?” Elcee stuck out her tongue. “So anyway, this challenge is to FIGHT THE MAJESTICAL DRAGON OF DOOM AND DEATH AND DESTRUCTION AND WHATNOT.”
“You already said that,” Dementia chimed in, scratching his chin with the pen and frowning. “Hmm … how do you spell floccinaucinihilipilification, Dash?”
“Pretty sure it’s spelled U-P-Y-O-U-R-A-S-S-D-E-M-E-N-T-I-A,” Dash said.
“Thanks,” Dementia smiled at Dash and scribbled into the Bible. He frowned. “Hey!” he said, indignant. “That’s not how you spell floccinaucinihilipilification,”
“No! Really?” Dash said sardonically, rolling her eyes and glaring at Dementia. “Nasty woman-disowning pretending-to-be-dead evil man of death and doom and horribility and that is officially a word now so shut up.”
“Oh… okay…” Dementia said sadly. “I don’t know what I did but… that’s OK.”
“Let me just go and get the dragon,” Elcee interjected. “Be right back.”
She skipped from the room and was replaced with a girl with red hair and giant eyes. “Hi,” she said, waving her arms above her head. “I’m Spenny and I like to do things. I’m keeping a watch on you while Elcee gets the dragon.”
Dom swallowed, feeling distinctly worried. He sidled over to Dementia and bit his lip. “I’m scared,” he whispered.
Dr. Dementia smiled and, in a surprise attack, hugged Dom tightly around his neck. “Good luck,” he mumbled against Dom’s ear. “You’re my best friend, you know that? And if that dragon goes anywhere near you with its teeth or whatever I swear to God I will kill it.”
Dom grinned, showing all of his pearly white teeth. “You know, mate, for a nerd, that was a really cool thing to say,” he replied.
“I’m not a nerd,” Dementia snapped.
“Alright, alright,” Dom rolled his eyes. “But, you may need to question your sexuality, Matthew. You haven’t actually let go of me yet.”
“Right, right,” Dementia slid his thin arms away from Dom and pouted. “Just ’cause you’re all warm and soft and chubby.”
“I am not chubby!” Dom retorted.
“Compared to me you are,” Dementia smirked.
Elcee took that second to slide back into the room. “Right, guys! I have the dragon in tow! LET THE CHALLENGE BEGIN!”
An ear-splitting roar burst through the door, seeming to vibrate the volcano itself. Bee, Lime and Amie clasped hands over their ears and even The Chrisonator winced. Dash just rolled her eyes.
Dom gulped.
“I think I just shat myself.”
“Shut your perfect mouth, Lamentia,”
The Chrisonator guffawed as he mopped up all of the tea he’d spilled.
“Are you finished yet?” one of the girls called from her position by the door. She was about the same height as Dementia, in other words, she didn’t have very much height to brag about, with dirty blonde, curly hair that ended abruptly above her shoulders.
“Just about,” Dom grunted. “Yeah, we’re done. Now, what is this place?”
“This is the ancient volcano where the Sky Cat thing lives and was born and crap,” said Curly, inspecting her nails nonchalantly. She looked up to see the three men frowning at her. “Oh! Right! Sorry.” She cleared her throat and clapped twice; the lights dimmed, but the room was illuminated by the glow of the lava projection above them, so it was lit with an eerie red. “This,” the girl said in a spooky voice that echoed around them, “is the ancient volcano where the Majestic Sky Cat of Eternal Life was born and does rest for eternity!”
Dom could hear the capital letters.
“And what are the tasks?” Dementia enquired, sipping on his tea with his pinky out.
“Don’t you mean the THREE TASKS OF DOOM?!?!?!/111?!” Curly yelled.
“Um, I don’t know,” Dementia frowned. “Do I mean the Three Tasks of Doom, question mark, exclamation point, question mark, exclamation point, question mark, exclamation point, forward slash, one, one, one, question mark, exclamation point?”
“Didn’t you mean to say the THREE TASKS OF DOOM?!?!?!/111?!” Curly said.
“That’s what I said,” Dementia’s eyes bulged slightly.
“No, you didn’t. You said “the Three Tasks of Doom”, when in reality it’s the THREE TASKS OF DOOM!”
Dementia pulled a face. “So you’re saying I have to say it like this: the THREE TASKS OF DOOM?”
“Yes. Well done. Brownie points for you,” Curly said impatiently and turned the lights back on. “So anyway, you have to complete the THREE TASKS OF DOOM to get the Sky Cat. Now, for those of you who do not know, the THREE TASKS OF DOOM bring together two teams for a series of contests. For each task a single contestant is selected to compete. Now let me be clear, if chosen you stand alone. And trust me when I say the THREE TASKS OF DOOM are not for the fainthearted.”
Dom frowned. “I know that speech. Didn’t Dumbledore say it in ‘Goblet of Fire’?”
Curly coughed into her hand. “Phht, no! No way! One hundred percent originality here. So anyway, the first task is—”
“To fight a dragon?” Dom giggled under his breath.
“No, not to fight a dragon, thanks very much,” Elcee said staunchly, for of course it was she. She glared at Dom. “I don’t like him.”
“Join the club,” Dementia and the Chrisonator said simultaneously.
Dom elbowed Dementia in the side. “Hey! You kissed me, remember!”
“I think,” Dementia said with his eyes closed and a sickened expression on his face, “that you were the one who kissed me.”
“Shut your face,” Dom scowled.
“You shut it for me,” Dementia retorted, twiddling his eyebrows and gyrating his hips in a very childish and thus un-Dementia-like way. “C’mon, lay it on me, baby,”
“I”LL LOCK BOTH OF YOU IN A CAGE WITH A RAVERNOUS HIPPO IF YOU DON’T SHUT YOUR MOUTHS!” Elcee yelled.
“Well!” Dementia said, shocked. He giggled suddenly. “Stop it, Dominic, I asked for no tickling,”
“I’m not tickling you,” Dom said from across the room. “I’m inspecting this projection screen. Very technological,” he said, nodding at Elcee.
“Thanks,” Elcee grinned. “It was Luna’s idea; she’s the brains of us three. Well, I think she is… Luna is brains, I’m something and Spenny is something else.”
“How organized!” Dom said sarcastically.
“So anyway! We need some teams here, people!” Elcee flailed her arms around a bit. “Otherwise this won’t work.”
Dom pulled a face. “I bag Dementia!” he yelled, running over to Dementia and clinging onto the skinny man’s arm as if his life depended on it.
“Aww, you do love me!” Dementia cooed, smirking.
“Sure I do,” Dom said uncertainly, just as several loud bangs and a squelch signalled the arrival of the rest of Dementia’s crew, and possibly The Chrisonator’s family.
True to form, Bee, Amie, Dash, Dr. Gloom, Lime, Kelly, Alfire, Frankey and Ava-Jump burst into the room. Bee squealed and ran over to Dementia, while Lime grinned and flitted into Dom’s arms. Dr. Gloom hugged Amie in a surprise attack and Dash stood all on her own.
Alfire slowly walked up to her and put his arms around her waist. “You’re not alone, sad-looking woman…”
“Get your hands off me!” Dash boomed, throwing the unfortunate boy across the room. She sighed. “This sucks.” She turned to see Bee and Dementia in a sweet embrace and pulled a disgusted face. “I kiss him way better than that,” she muttered under her breath.
Dementia spied Dash looking over at him sadly and was so overwhelmed with guilt that he couldn’t abide looking at her any longer. Bee’s arm snaked around his waist. “You OK?” she whispered.
“Note to self,” he said, seemingly not realizing Bee’s existence, “finish that cloning machine.”
“OK, everyone! ASSEMBLE!” Elcee yelled. “Now, for the first task! Choose your strongest and send them forth for this battle.”
The Chrisonator walked forwards, puffing out his chest.
Everyone was edging towards Dom on Team Dementia. He probably had the biggest muscles of them all, and that wasn’t saying much.
Amie glanced at Dementia, who was at that very second reading a pocket Bible and scribbling out the words, replacing them with “Dementia is great” and “Dr. D will rule your buttcracks with majesty”.
“Let’s not choose him,” she mouthed. Dash gave her the thumbs up, smirking.
Everyone except Dom stepped back.
“YOU HAVE CHOSEN YOUR CONTENDERS!” Elcee said, flapping her arms around in the air like an upside-down jellyfish. “COME FORWARD, DOMINIC JAMES HOWARD AND CHRISTOPHER TONY WOLSTENHOLME!”
“HOLY WHACK!” The Chrisonator yelled. “She knows our names!”
“Well yeah,” Elcee was looking at her fingernails again. “We can hack into Interpol, you know. SO ANYWAY! This first task is a test of brawn—”
“What?” Dom interjected loudly. “I have no brawn!”
“Shut up,” Elcee said flatly. “So anyway, this task is to FIGHT THE MAJESTICAL DRAGON OF DOOM AND DEATH AND DESTRUCTION AND WHATNOT.”
“I told you,” Dom folded his arms across his chest, glaring at Elcee.
“So?” Elcee stuck out her tongue. “So anyway, this challenge is to FIGHT THE MAJESTICAL DRAGON OF DOOM AND DEATH AND DESTRUCTION AND WHATNOT.”
“You already said that,” Dementia chimed in, scratching his chin with the pen and frowning. “Hmm … how do you spell floccinaucinihilipilification, Dash?”
“Pretty sure it’s spelled U-P-Y-O-U-R-A-S-S-D-E-M-E-N-T-I-A,” Dash said.
“Thanks,” Dementia smiled at Dash and scribbled into the Bible. He frowned. “Hey!” he said, indignant. “That’s not how you spell floccinaucinihilipilification,”
“No! Really?” Dash said sardonically, rolling her eyes and glaring at Dementia. “Nasty woman-disowning pretending-to-be-dead evil man of death and doom and horribility and that is officially a word now so shut up.”
“Oh… okay…” Dementia said sadly. “I don’t know what I did but… that’s OK.”
“Let me just go and get the dragon,” Elcee interjected. “Be right back.”
She skipped from the room and was replaced with a girl with red hair and giant eyes. “Hi,” she said, waving her arms above her head. “I’m Spenny and I like to do things. I’m keeping a watch on you while Elcee gets the dragon.”
Dom swallowed, feeling distinctly worried. He sidled over to Dementia and bit his lip. “I’m scared,” he whispered.
Dr. Dementia smiled and, in a surprise attack, hugged Dom tightly around his neck. “Good luck,” he mumbled against Dom’s ear. “You’re my best friend, you know that? And if that dragon goes anywhere near you with its teeth or whatever I swear to God I will kill it.”
Dom grinned, showing all of his pearly white teeth. “You know, mate, for a nerd, that was a really cool thing to say,” he replied.
“I’m not a nerd,” Dementia snapped.
“Alright, alright,” Dom rolled his eyes. “But, you may need to question your sexuality, Matthew. You haven’t actually let go of me yet.”
“Right, right,” Dementia slid his thin arms away from Dom and pouted. “Just ’cause you’re all warm and soft and chubby.”
“I am not chubby!” Dom retorted.
“Compared to me you are,” Dementia smirked.
Elcee took that second to slide back into the room. “Right, guys! I have the dragon in tow! LET THE CHALLENGE BEGIN!”
An ear-splitting roar burst through the door, seeming to vibrate the volcano itself. Bee, Lime and Amie clasped hands over their ears and even The Chrisonator winced. Dash just rolled her eyes.
Dom gulped.
“I think I just shat myself.”
♠ ♠ ♠
We are the masters of suspense.