Without You, I'm Just Me

I found myself sitting in front of the mirror, crying again for what felt like the hundredth time in the last two days. Just tell him already, the longer you put it off the worse, you’ll feel about it. It was true, I did feel awful for not telling him, but with him away on tour it wasn’t just the simple solution of picking up the phone. This was something far more serious, something I had to tell him in person, something that would change everything between us forever. It wouldn’t be this way if I’d just made the simple decision to say no that night, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. All of those insecurities started flowing through my head again, like a river during torrential downpour that couldn’t be stopped. I hated myself for letting those thoughts take me over again. I hated myself for letting it happen. I hated Sarah for pressuring me to tell him the truth, but most of all I hated the fact that he wasn’t here to help me through this, and that I couldn’t bring myself to let him know. Though that was all about to change. I looked over to the desk again to see the plane ticket to New York sitting on top of a pile of maps and print-outs. It had taken a lot of persuasion to convince my mom to let me fly to New York with just Sarah, but I knew she trusted me. I felt a sudden twinge of guilt about the way I’d betrayed my mother’s trust two weeks ago, she was going to go berserk when she found out. I mean, how are you meant to tell the person you loved more than life itself that you were about to screw up their entire life?

*~Patrick’s POV~*
I put the phone on the table before sighing. Why hadn’t she been answering my calls? Everything had been fine when we’d talked two days ago, but since then she hadn’t answered a single one of my calls. I realised Pete was watching me with a concerned look on his face again, but I chose to ignore it. The tour so far had been great, we’d been living in a tour bus with a few other bands, which was a welcome change to living in the van we’d toured in in the past. I sighed again, before receiving another worried look from Pete. He knew something was going on, I hadn’t been acting like this since…I let my thoughts trail off before I could make myself even more miserable. “So what do you think New York’s going to be like?” I knew Pete was just trying to distract me from my painful thoughts, so the least I could do was go along with it. “I-I don’t know, I’ve never been there before.” Pete smiled at my acceptance of the charade, but only for a second. “You haven’t heard from her, have you?” I found myself sighing once again, there was only so long I could go without not thinking of Angie.

I almost jumped as I frantically reached for my phone sitting on the table. Pete shot me a “don’t get your hopes up” look, but I couldn’t help myself. “H-hello?” I found myself stuttering nervously, already sweating. I felt my heart swell in my chest at the sound of her perfect voice, even though it was touched with slight concern. “Patrick? Is that you?” I realised I couldn’t find my voice for a moment as I stuttered in reply. “Y-yeah it’s me, I-is that - Is that Angie?” Pete looked up immediately at the sound of her name, and shot me a confused smile before leaving the room. “Yeah it’s me, how have you been? Sorry I haven’t called . I’ve been pretty…busy lately. Oh! I have a surprise for you! ” Her sudden change in moods startled me a little, but I couldn’t contain my excitement. “A surprise? Really?” I could tell that she was pleased with my reaction. “I’m coming to see you in New York this weekend! I finally convinced my mom to let me go!” I couldn’t contain my excitement. “That’s so fucking awesome Angie!!”
*~Angie’s POV~*
I instantly felt guilty for getting Patrick’s hopes up. I mean, it wasn’t like I didn’t want to see him, that was something I wanted more than anything, I just wish it was under better circumstances. I realised there was one way to fix my situation. I had to tell him right now. “I’ll be leaving Thursday night, and leaving late Sunday afternoon so I can spend the entire weekend with you, but P-Patrick?” There was an awkward pause. “Yeah?” I tried to say the words out loud, but I couldn’t find my voice and all came out was an embarrassing squeak. Was it cruel to leave him in the blank? Or was it even more cruel to tell him over the phone? “I can’t wait to see you.” I hung up quickly, before I could make the situation worse. What was I thinking? I couldn’t tell him the situation over the phone, it was completely life-altering and I still hadn’t worked out exactly how to tell him.

I was awoken by the sound of Sarah rummaging through my desk drawers. I groaned and trudged to stand beside her. “What are you looking for?” She flashed me an a cold glance before returning to her search. “Where did you put the plane tickets?” I frowned, and walked over to the small folder sitting under my CD stack. I shoved them in front of her view, and she pulled back immediately. “Here you go, no need to thank me,” I rolled my eyes, “Why are you looking for them anyway?” She smiled apologetically then walked swiftly across the room to pick up her suitcase. “We’re going to the airport in 15 minutes, and you aren’t even ready?” I frowned even harder, before peeking at my alarm clock. “5.30pm? You let me sleep all day?” She looked at me hurt as if I’d hit her, before answering tersely. “You didn’t get any sleep last night, and I didn’t want you to be grumpy for the entire flight. And don’t try to tell me you’ll sleep on the plane, because I know you won’t with the amount of stress you’re under.” I sighed, unable to think of a suitable comeback and walked over to the closet.

I kept shifting the hoodie I wore over my dark blue jeans, and looking nervously at the plane ticket in my hands. Sarah shot me a worried glance. “Are you alright? You know you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, and I could stay with you if you need me to, you don’t have to do this alone.” I sighed but rubbed Sarah’s shoulder in an effort to console her worry. “I’ve made my choice, and if I don’t stick to it, you know I’ll never be able to tell him.”

She sighed in response. “Have you worked out how you’re going to tell him? I mean, you can practice on me if you want.” I giggled at the thought of telling Sarah, even though I’d told her the day I’d found out. “I think I’m going to tell him the way I told you.” She looked at me incredulously. “You can’t be serious, you were almost hysterical when you told me, he’s not going to be able to handle your hysteria, let alone the news.”
My brows knitted in confusion. “What are you talking about? You were fine with the news.”
Sarah rolled her eyes, making me feel idiotic. “That’s because the news didn’t effect me, you weren’t telling me that you’re pregnant with my child!” I widened my eyes, before putting a hand over Sarah’s mouth.
“Will you stop yelling? It’s bad enough that I’m going to be a teenage mother, but did you have to let everyone know before Patrick?” She mumbled a quick sorry before looking at the board. Suddenly, she jumped out of her seat and pulled all the suitcases with her. “Quick, or we’ll miss our flight!” I sighed, dragging my suitcase quickly behind me. How was I meant to tell my perfect boyfriend that I’d managed to ruin both of our lives? His career was just taking off, he didn’t need someone like me screwing it up for him by telling him in a matter of months, he’d have his first child. He would be so much better off I just left him now, blissfully unaware of the situation.