Without You, I'm Just Me

I could feel my heart racing as I paced across the makeshift lounge. “Calm down Ange, otherwise he’s going to know something’s wrong as soon as he comes through the door.” Sarah stood up and pulled at my arm to stop my frantic pace. Patrick had gone out for the better half of the day with Joe, leaving Pete with us and Andy and Holly hanging out with another support band. Sarah had promised to stay with me until he showed up, then she’d let me tell him on my own. I could see Pete sitting in the corner of the room on a laptop, pretending he hadn’t noticed my unusual behaviour. I sat down on the lounge beside Sarah, and brought my lips to her ear, trying to keep my voice low even though Pete had headphones in. “Can you manage to get Pete out of the room when Patrick gets back? I don’t want him to be in here.” Sarah nodded before gripping my hands. “It’s going to be ok, I promise.” I nodded numbly, even though her words did nothing to reassure me. We both jumped when the front door opened, revealing Patrick and Joe in the doorway. A grin spread across his face when he saw me on the lounge, but he looked a little confused at my expression, Sarah squeezed my hand before standing up. “So anyone up for a dare war outside?” I faked a yawn. “I’d join you, but I don’t think I’m up to it.” Pete and Joe were already grabbing some potential weapons from the bus and ran out the door. Pete paused and turned to Patrick. “Coming Trick Honey?” He looked at me with a sympathetic smile before turning to face Pete. “I think I’ll stay here and keep Angie company.” Pete shrugged. “Suit yourself.” They all ran out the door, leaving Patrick and me alone.

He flashed me a heart-melting smile, before sitting beside me on the lounge. “So what have you been up to today?” I could feel my hand shaking uncontrollably in his grip, and my heartbeat speeding up. “N-not much, you?”
He frowned. “Is everything ok? It looks like you’re about to have a heart attack or something.” He ran his fingers across my face, scrutinizing my expression. I let out a deep, fragmented breath before continuing. “I have something I have to tell you, and there is no easy way to tell you this.” I paused, making the tension between us grow accidentally. Patrick’s frown became even harder, but he continued to hold onto my shaking hands in his. “I-I-I’m p-preg-pregn-nant.” It came out so incomprehensible and inaudible, I wasn’t even sure if I had even said it out loud. Patrick frowned even harder. “I’m sorry sweetie, I didn’t hear you. Could you say it again?” He rubbed my hand, urging me to continue. I let out another shuddered breath before continuing a little more slowly this time. “I’m pregnant Patrick.” Although it’d come out almost as incomprehensible as my first attempt, I knew Patrick had heard it this time. The colour drained from his face, and his grip loosened around my shaking hands. “A-are you sure? I mean is it completely certain?” It came out in a low whisper, and I could tell he was shaking too. I nodded. “I took some tests, and they all came back positive, but I went to the doctor as well just to make sure, at first I just thought it was a cold...” I trailed off, but Patrick just nodded, although I wasn’t sure if the words had truly set in yet. I could tell he was trying to put on a brave face for my sake.

“When did you find out?” He managed to choke out.
“Last week, the day I stopped answering your calls. I was going to tell you over the phone, but I thought it might have seemed to impersonal.” The words seemed to be rushing out in my nervous state. He just continued to nod, before gripping my hands. He looked into my eyes with a blank expression across his face. That was the moment I lost it, and burst into hysterical sobs. Patrick quickly wrapped his arms around my body pulling me towards him. “It’s going to be alright, it’ll be ok I promise.” He soothed into my ear. “I was so scared to tell you, I thought that if I did you wouldn’t want me anymore.” Patrick pulled away and frowned. “Why on earth would you think that? I wouldn’t abandon you for something that’s partly my fault, I love you Angie, no matter the situation.” I nodded, attempting to smile before Patrick sighed. “Would it be alright with you if I had some time alone though? I mean, to think over the situation a little more? It’s not that I don’t want to be around you or anything-” I put my fingers to his lips before he started babbling. “Of course you can, I’m willing to give you as much time as you need.”

“You know what? We should play a game.” Everyone looked up at Pete’s sudden break in the silence. He smiled when he realised he had everyone’s attention. “We should play a game of truth or dare.” Sarah groaned. “But we played Dare Wars this afternoon.” Pete flashed her a dirty look. “Yeah but now we’re gonna play TRUTH or dare, and not everyone was here before so this’ll be a lot more fun.” I didn’t like the idea of sitting in a circle with people, even if I did consider them to be some of my closest friends, with the secret I was keeping. I decided to play to my strengths, and scowled before letting out an exaggerated yawn. “I am so not up for any of your antics tonight, Wentz. I think I’m going to get some sleep.” I pulled the headphones out of my ears, and picked the Discman off my stomach, before slowly standing up. Pete had already started dragging people to the floor as I left the room. Suddenly I felt light pull on my right hand, before my fingers were entirely entwined with his. He shot me a worried smile, before making a similar excuse. “Yeah, I’m starting to think that’s a good idea. I don’t know how much fun enduring Pete’s dare games all night will be.” Patrick politely excused us from the room and led me into the sleeping section of the bus.

“So you’re not angry at me?” Patrick looked up from our hands, and stared in shock. “Wait, you thought I’d be angry at you? Why would you think that?” I let out a deep sigh, as Patrick ran his fingers lightly through my hair. It was hard to stay serious when he was so amazingly distracting. “I-I’m about to ruin both of our futures, why wouldn’t you be mad?”
He stared at me as if I were crazy. Maybe I was. “Ruin our futures? What are you talking about? You ARE my future, you always have been.” He ran his fingers lightly across my cheeks, before bringing his lips to my ear. “Have you told anyone else about the it so far?” I nodded. “I’ve told Sarah, I wouldn’t even be here right now if it wasn’t for her support.”
He smiled, but seemed hesitant with his next question. “Have you told your parents yet?” I could feel the colour draining from my face in a sharp rush. I shook my head but I couldn’t stop the steady flow of tears from streaming down my face. “M-my parents are going to kill me when they find out, they’ll never let me leave the house again, if they don’t kill me for it.” I replied miserably. Patrick wrapped his arms around my shoulders tightly, trying to console me and calm my erratics shaking. “Hey, calm down sweetie, it’s alright. I promise I won’t make you go through this on your own, it’s my fault too.” I managed to restrain my desperate sobs with his reassurance, and gradually, I fell into a restless sleep in his arms.