Without You, I'm Just Me

6 Months Later:
I gripped Patrick’s wrist tightly as the doctor slid the ice cold stethoscope across my exposed stomach. There was no doubt about it now, I definitely looked pregnant. I flashed Patrick another worried glance, but he just smiled back. Over the past 6 months since we’d gotten engaged, he’d definitely been more supportive than I’d ever expected. I think the shock just came from the fact that he loved me just as much as he had to begin with, before I’d gotten, well, fat. Why I actually thought that he would ever in his existence be so vain that he wouldn’t find me attractive while I was pregnant with his child, I can’t imagine. He leaned down and pressed his lips to my forehead, immediately disturbing my train of thought. The doctor removed the stethoscope and smiled at the both of us. “Well that’s all for today.”
Patrick helped me sit up, as I readjusted my sweater to cover my stomach. “So is everything going alright so far?”
The doctor gave me a quick nod. “Everything’s been progressing well, although a little faster than usual. This should be nothing to worry about for now, but as it gets closer to your estimated due date, make sure to keep an eye on things. There is one thing, however, that I’m a little concerned with.” Patrick and I shot each other a quick glance, before I frowned at the doctor. He took a breath before continuing. “Were you aware that you have anaemia?”
Now I was even more confused. “Anaemia? You mean that thing when there’s not enough red blood cells in the blood?”
He nodded. “Well it’s when there’s not enough haemoglobin in your red blood cells, caused by lack of iron and it sometimes causes lack of oxygen being transported from the lungs to the tissue.”

I was scared to ask the next question. “What does it mean? Is it going to affect my baby?” I instinctively reached my hand down to my ever-growing stomach in worry.
The doctor replaced the stethoscope to a tray on the bench. “Well that is definitely a possibility. You see, because we weren’t aware that you suffered from anaemia earlier into the pregnancy, there really isn’t much we can do to change any possible outcomes.” he paused for a moment, the tension in the room rising dramatically. “The risks of being anaemic during pregnancy can include for the fetus: retardation, premature birth, rapture of the amnion, infection and stillbirth. For you it could include lack of physical energy, a reduced immune system, fatigue, and the high possibility of you needing a blood transfusion. It could also lead to death in extreme cases.” Patrick gripped my shoulders tightly as I went into shock. I tried to clearly understand what I’d just been told: not only could my baby die as I tried to give birth, but there was a possibility that I could die too?
My voice came out in a low whisper. “I can’t do this.”
Patrick pulled me to his chest, running his lips across my hair. The doctor walked over and looked me in the eyes. “I’m sorry sweetheart, but there’s nothing we can do now. You’re too far along. Please try to remain positive, there are a lot of cases of women with anaemia who have no problems during childbirth.”
Patrick’s mood seemed to brighten at those words, and he moved his lips to my ear. “You hear that Angie? Everything might go just fine, it might be easy. You don’t need to worry about anything now.” I attempted to smile up at him, just to lower his stress levels a little. He thanked the doctor and slowly lead me out to his car.

As he climbed into the driver’s seat after carefully securing me into the passenger’s seat, he looked at me with a pained expression. I’d managed to hold myself together up to now, though his glance was likely to throw me immediately. He cupped my cheek in his hands, and turned my face to his. “Is everything ok?” The look of honest concern in his eyes blew my façade right then. I burst into hysterical sobs and pressed my face to his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around my middle and whispered in my ear. “Hey, it’s going to be alright baby, calm down.” I bit my lip, and coaxed the tears to stop. It finally worked. Patrick wiped away the remaining tears with the back of his thumb. “Everything’s going to be alright, I promise.” He pulled out of the parking lot.

By the time we’d reached Patrick’s house, the doctor’s appointment felt like a distant yet painful memory. Patrick slowly escorted me into the house. As soon as we entered the house I could smell spaghetti and a wave of nausea hit me. Patrick sensed what was going wrong and dragged me to the bathroom. He held my back and my hair as I sat in a crumpled heap in front of the toilet. “I. Can’t. Handle. The. Smell. Of. Food.” I managed to stutter out before my voice was cut off. Patrick ran a hand across my back, and brought his lips to my ear. “I know sweetie, I know.” He helped me off the floor, and carried me to the sink and filled up a cup with water. He handed me the cup into my shaking hands, and I used it to wash out the unpleasant aftertaste overpowering my taste. “You wouldn’t want anything to eat at all, would you?” I shook my head and put a hand across my expanding stomach. Patrick picked up a hair tie and pulled my hair back into a bun. “That’s ok sweetheart, are you tired?” I feared that by opening my mouth I’d have another attack of nausea. I nodded slowly and held my arm out for Patrick. He gave me a sympathetic smile and lead me to his room. He lowered me to the bed and pulled the covers over my bloated body. He leant forward and pressed his lips on my forehead before walking away. “Don’t leave me.” It came out sounding more like a desperate plea rather than a request. Patrick turned around. “It’s alright, I’m just going to tell mom that you won’t be having anything to eat tonight, and I think I should call your mother.” I tried to sit up in protest, but Patrick was quickly at my side pushing me back down. “Please don’t get up so quickly. What do you need?” I laid back down in defeat. “Don’t call my mom, I can call her in the morning.” He nodded but frowned. “Are you sure?” I nodded. He pressed his lips to my forehead again before leaving the room.

I woke up the next morning with a smile. Patrick was already awake, lightly caressing my chest. He smiled as soon as he realised I was awake. “Good morning beautiful, no morning sickness?” I shook my head. “Well that’s a positive. Do you feel like breakfast yet?” I groaned. “Do I have to get up yet?”

Patrick laughed. “I guess not, do you want me to leave?” he slowly took his hand away from my chest.

“No!” it came out louder than I expected as I grabbed his wrist. Patrick laughed and returned his hand. I leant my head on his shoulder, although it felt awkward with my lack of movement. I closed my eyes and thought of nothing but his gentle touch on my skin. He brought his lips to my ear. “Are you going to fall asleep?” I shook my head, but I could feel the tiredness overwhelming my entire body.

It must have been afternoon by the time I woke up again. Patrick was standing outside the door talking in a low voice. I couldn’t hear another voice so I figured he must be on the phone. I listened closely for snippets of his side of the conversation. “Ok, yeah I’ll tell her as soon as she wakes up. No, she woke up this morning but she fell asleep again. Yeah, I’ll be getting her something to eat as soon as she wakes up. Yeah, I’ll make sure she calls you back straight after she eats. Thank you Mrs Smith, have a nice evening.” My mother? I let a yawn escape my mouth before I could contain it. Patrick came back into the room swiftly. “About time you woke up, I’ll go get you something to eat.” I pulled on his wrist. “Was that my mom on the phone?”

Patrick nodded and proceeded to lift me from the bed. “Yeah, she wants you to call her back after you’ve eaten. She seemed a little annoyed that I hadn’t been feeding even though I’ve been asking you constantly if you want something to eat or not.” he shook away his trail of thought. I lifted my legs slowly, trying to help him carry me to the kitchen. “Could I call her now, I mean while you make breakfast?” Patrick thought for a moment as he walked to the fridge. “Well, I guess so.”

He handed me the receiver before dialling the number. I brought the phone to my ear and listened to it ring. “Hello?”

“Hey mom, it’s me Angie. You wanted me to call?”

I could hear the relief in my mother’s voice. “Oh Angie darling, are you feeling alright? I called last night and Mrs Stump said you weren’t feeling well, so I called back this afternoon and Patrick said you were still asleep.”
I sighed. “Yes mom, I’m fine. Patrick’s been taking excellent care of me. He’s making me breakfast right now.” He looked up at me with a smile. “Well that’s good to hear. I was a little concerned when he told me you hadn’t had anything to eat after lunch yesterday.” I rolled my eyes. If I wasn’t staying at my parent’s house, my mom would call twice a day just to make sure I’d had something to eat or that I’d been sleeping. If I didn’t get to the point now, I’d be on the phone until I fell asleep again. “So was that all you wanted to know mom? Or did you want me to call for another reason?”

My mom became flustered, something that didn’t happen often. “Oh right! Well I have a surprise for you when you come over tonight.”
I was a little concerned. “A surprise?”
“Well I might as well tell you now. Your sister’s here visiting for the week! Isn’t that great news? Of course, she doesn‘t know about your, umm, situation yet, but I‘m sure she‘ll be excited for you all the same.”
I almost dropped the phone in shock. My sister? I hadn’t seen her in 5 years since she left to pursue her dream of photography in Paris. We’d been so close when she lived here, she was almost like a mother to me considering mom had always been away. She practically raised up until I was 13. If she saw me now…I shuddered at the direction my thoughts had taken. “Angie? Are you still there honey?”
I brought the phone back up to my ear. “Yeah, wow. Umm, I guess I’ll see you guys tonight then.”
I placed the receiver back to the wall. I gulped as I thought over tonight. It couldn’t be as bad as the night I’d told my parents right?