Trading Spaces

Believe it or not, Gustav, again, was a total and complete asshole. He wasn’t being nearly as reckless as he was on the way to the interview, and I’m grateful for that. I couldn’t bear the thought of getting into a car accident. Not because I wouldn’t want to get hurt, but because Gustav might, which would damage my body. My admiring public demands perfection. He was, however, being a not quite so careful driver. Even Bill shouted at him once or twice. I just closed my eyes and prayed the entire ride.

Of course we were seen by fans once we got there, even with our ‚excellent’ disguises of sunglasses and hats. Before we were through the door, three young women asked for autographs and pictures. They really only interacted with Bill and Gustav, which pissed me off. Gustav was actually being extremely kind to them, not an ignorant bastard like I thought he would. I didn’t complain, though, since he was only making me seem even greater. Like it’s possible, though, right?

I understand now, though, how Georg and Gustav must feel, myself and Bill being in the spotlight all the time. So they aren’t as great looking, but they were (almost) as awesome. Not cool, ignoring them. I suppose that’s what you’d call a teenie bopper, fangirl, crazy bitch, etc.

We were in our one little booth towards the back fairly quickly, running into no more fans once we were successfully inside the restaurant. I sat next to Georg and across from Gustav. I thought this was the wiser move, in case I needed to kick him in the shins at any given time. Bill was speaking quickly to him about something that I didn’t quite catch – or care about – while Georg and I sat there coolly, reading our menus.

“Hello, my name is Heidi and I’ll be serving you today. What can I get you fellas to drink?” the brunette asked with a kind tone. She was kind of hot. I noticed that almost immediately, just after examining how big her breasts were. It’s not like it’s sinful of me, who wouldn’t? They were huge!

All of us ordered a regular Coke, since it was way too early to have a beer or anything, and so Heidi walked away to get our drinks. We all pondered in silence over what we should get. Sometimes Gustav and I would peer up from our menus to give each other stares of death. I think at one point Georg noticed, but just semi-discreetly shook his head and looked back down.

“Well, I know what I want,” Bill suddenly said out of nowhere, closing his menu with a smile on his face.

“What?” I asked.

“I can’t tell you, you might order it, too,” he shrieked, with a look of horror and retardation on his face. What the fuck he was doing, I don’t know. I do know, however, that at this precise moment, I was glad nobody else was around to see me with him.

“Of course, silly me,” I replied, rolling my eyes. Bill chose to ignore this, however, and turned to me... or Gustav. Whatever.

“What are you getting, Tom?” he asked, glancing at the menu page Gustav was on. He mumbled something, not looking up from the menu. “What?”

“I said I don’t know yet. I can’t decide between two things,” he replied. As he did, that hot waitress with the big boobs came back. What was her name? Oh, Heidi, right.

She set down our glasses one by one, having to bend over quite a bit to reach Gustav and my spots. Not that I minded of course. I did mind that she gave Gustav a smile, which was returned with an awkward smile back. Good lord, leave it to Gustav to destroy a perfectly nice night, not that I myself would get to experience it, anyways.

“Do you know what you would like to order?” Heidi asked. We all nodded and starting with Bill, went around. I made one of those last minute decisions, hoping it would be satisfying enough. Once again, we wouldn’t be having this problem if Gustav would have just fucking went to Panthera Rodizio.

Everyone continued talking about whatever while I was just sitting there miserably. I didn’t want to be Gustav anymore. And I had to pee so badly. I looked across the table to Gustav who was smiling but had a tense appearance like he had to go, too.

“I can’t take it anymore!” Gustav cried. “I gotta piss so badly! Bill, move!” Bill looked shocked, but quickly slid out of the booth, allowing Gustav to quickly rush past him towards the bathroom. After he was out of sight, Georg and I burst into laughter. Bill just looked confused.

“What the hell was up with that?” Georg asked while laughing rather hard. I shook my head, not being able to muster up the willpower to speak.

“The kid’s gotta piss,” I shrugged after I finally calmed down. Gustav came awkwardly shuffling back after another minute, having a look of complete shock and amazement. He must have seen how big my dick is.

He slid back into his spot with a blank expression, saying nothing.

“So how was the bathroom, Tom?” I said slyly with a smirk. Gustav gave me a short tempered look. I just laughed. Bill still just looked confused. Grumbling to himself discreetly, Gustav slid back into the booth. I, quite honestly, felt pretty good about myself right about that time. Knowing that I enlightened one more individual, albeit he was a man, had me checking off my good deed for the day.

After all of this excitement had died down and everyone was casually chatting, Heidi once more came back with our orders. And, once more, she had to reach to give Gustav and me our food. I gave her a look that said, ‘I think you’re damn fine,’ but she only reacted with an awkward smile. I pursed my lips in frustration. I figured it was because of Gustav’s less than perfect looks that Bill and I possessed that stopped her from being won over my, or Gustav’s... no, Tom’s... um, my looks? However I needed to explain it, that’s what the deal was. Damn.

“If you guys need anything else, don’t hesitate to ask,” Heidi said with a smile before quickly leaving. Bet she was scared off by my flab. Fuck you, flab.

Thankfully the whole ordeal was over within another hour and soon we were back in the car of death with the Reaper himself driving. I was hoping that maybe he’d forget to piss me off, but don’t worry. He didn’t.

I was so glad to finally be at his house. Obviously, I would have been happier if I were at my own home, with Bill, but considering the circumstances, I was alright with this. At least I was just alone, but I still had to pee. I was going to stay strong, though, unlike Gustav. Judging by his expression, he had saw something of proportions he never had before, which is perfectly normal for average Joes like him.

Sighing in relief, I kicked off my shoes and turned on the television. Maybe some Spongebob would keep me distracted until it was time for sleep, and hopefully, tomorrow I would wake up myself.

It was just when Squidward realized his house was made entirely of garbage and, quite literally, shit, when the doorbell rang. I grunted, paused the episode, and went towards the door. When I opened it, I was met face to face with... myself.

“I hope you’re enjoying my house, asshole,” Gustav said with a short expression. I frowned.

“What did I do to you, Wolfgang?”

“Put me through emotional distress and scarred me for life, Tomi,” he said with a shudder. Although I’m sure he was truly angry somewhere deep in that sexy body that he was borrowing, I could see he was joking... I think. Gustav walked past me and flopped onto the couch, sighing in a very similar way that I did prior to his arrival.

“Do you know what Bill did to me, Tom?” My expression went blank as I reeled through the countless possibilities of what Bill put this poor soul through once they were alone. It could have been anything from… talking about his latest oh-so trendy outfits to his thoughts. I love my brother dearly, but I swear he just never shuts up.

After a few more moments, I suppose Gustav realized finally that I wasn’t really going to throw in my guesses, so he went on. “He was like, interrogated me. “Why are you and Gustav acting so weird today? What happened with you two? Are you guys fighting? What looks better, this jacket or this jacket with these pants?” It was horrible!” he shrieked. I snorted in response, feeling both sorry for him and relieved that it wasn’t me. I hate giving him fashion advice, he never listens anyways. “And even when I did tell him which jacket looked better, he just took another glance and didn’t even listen to me!”

“My thoughts exactly,” I replied with a sigh. “So what did you tell him? Knowing Bill, he wouldn’t have accepted just any old bullshit answer.” Gustav shrugged.

“He didn’t. I told him nothing happened.” I winced. That didn’t turn out good, I can already assume. “He got scary,” Gustav whispered. His face seemed to shrink as he was reliving the memories.

“Yeah, congratulations, you’ve just witnessed Bill not getting the answers he wants,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Well, first he got kind of, um, whiny. After I still insisted nothing happened, that’s when he got scary. He didn’t even say anything else to me. He just... stared. It was like he was staring right into my soul, determined to pull it apart to find what he was looking for.” He looked horrified, like he had just seen Rosie O’Donnell... naked.

I patted his arm, apologizing that he had to experience such a thing at such a young age. He didn’t seem to believe me at first when I explained that I knew what it was like. After all, I did live with him.

“What did you tell him, though?”

“Finally I just said that I was a bit testy with you because you haven’t returned a few CDs you borrowed. Then I just ran.”

“...Testy? You said you were testy?” I snorted at his idiotic word choice. Apparently he never graduated from the 1st grade. He shot me a look.

“But anyways, I’m hungry. What have you got around this place?” I asked, glancing around the living room as if a cabinet of food was just conveniently placed in here.

I followed him to the kitchen where it was not-so-surprisingly neat and perfectly clean. I just hoped his food choice wasn’t so narrowed down. Before he could even begin to speak, I was already ransacking his cabinets and fridge, just looking for something edible and preferably delicious.

“I could make some spaghetti, or noodles, or macaroni and cheese... and I think I have a pizza in the freezer. I’m not sure, I usually do all of my grocery shopping on Sundays, and since today is Saturday, the choice isn’t all that fantastic.” I turned towards him.

“You do all of your shopping on Sunday? That’s weird; Bill and I just buy whatever we need whenever we need it.”

I decided I’d like some mac ’n’ cheese, so I had my maid, I mean Gustav, set to it while I watched some more television. And, by the time I had my food in front of me, I was still watching television.

“Thanks, your tip’s on the table,” I said sarcastically, receiving a smack upside my head from Gustav.

Surprisingly enough, I wasn’t poisoned or anything. In fact, it was pretty good. I thanked Gustav and even washed all of the unclean dishes. Maybe it wasn’t poison, but there definitely was something in the cheesy delight.

For the rest of the night, the two of use just lounged around and watched movies. We chatted a bit in between them, but it was pretty chill. This had to be the first time in, well, ages that Gustav and I just hung out alone together. I was enjoying his company.

Right in the middle of watching The Notebook, Gustav’s... or my... well, his, but usually my cell phone began to ring. It was Bill. Probably wondering what happened or where he was or why he wasn’t home.

...Oh.

“Gustav, I suggest you don’t pick up that phone,” I said, staring at the ringing phone with wide eyes.

“Why?”

“Just don’t pick up the phone!” I snapped. It stopped ringing, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Just as I opened my mouth again, however, it started to ring again. Again, it was Bill. I frowned and pushed the phone a little further away from us.

“What’s wrong?” Gustav asked in bewilderment.

“It’s Saturday...”

“So?”

“Every Saturday night, Bill and I have a ‘movie night’. I totally forgot. If you don’t get back to my place fast, by the time you do, he’s going to murder you,” I explained slowly.

“What’s so bad about missing one movie night?”

“I dunno, I wouldn’t think much of it, but it’s Bill and mines thing or whatever. We’ve done it for ages when we’re off tour. I suggest, Gustav, that you just run down to the nearest movie store like a damn stallion, pick up a movie, box of popcorn, and some chocolate, and hope for the best.”

With that, I pushed him out the door before he could utter another word. It was already 8:46pm, Bill was sure to be having a conniption fit by now. I just hoped that he got there before it was too late. I mean, I couldn’t help but laugh at his supreme misfortune, since he deserved some sort of payback for driving like a complete douchebag today, but on the other hand... it was Bill we were talking about.

I only stayed up until 2am that morning, watching more cartoons and other criminal dramas that showed late in the night, until I felt the need, and desire, to go to bed. I didn’t even change out of my clothes; it was too much for me to bear. Instead, I fell onto his bed, covered myself with his blankets that smelled of him, and drifted off into a light sleep, thinking of two things: hoping that by the time I woke up, this rock star would be back where he belonged, and hoping that I wouldn’t pee myself overnight.