Jonny Elle (Journal)

I
hate
life.
It
Hurts.
Why keep breathing?

Please,
Take
Me
Away.
Life
Eats
All Happiness

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June 26th
Dear Jonny Elle,
It's been 5 months since you left me. To be exact, it's been 5 months, and 2 days. Why did you go? Why did you leave me with people so full of hatred? Sometimes I wonder if that they only loved me when you were around. It's true, you were always so full of love and happiness. Happiness seems like a dream, a far away, stupid dream, for sad people like me. It's like you stole my happiness with you when you died, and I hate you for that, but then I hate you so much it hurts, because I truely love you. It's funny how life and love works that way.

I have started this journal, and the first entry (and last) will be addressed to you. You were my first real true love, and I swear you always will be my only love. I can't ever love anyone else, because no one is like you. All I want is you, and since I cannot have you, I shall have no one else.

I can imagine what you would say to that. "Missy, you're awfully too stubborn for your own good. I don't know how you survived without me." Then, you'd kiss me on the nose, and twirl my hair with your finger.

Then I would say, "I am not stubborn, I just know what I want. And I never was really alive until I met you, Mister." It's true. Life seemed dull and I would wake up and go through the same routine every day.

Then, one day, you showed up at school, turning my world upside down. You're shoes caught my eye. They were these beat up old pink converse shoes, with tape and staples holding them together. It made me laugh. Then, we got to talking, and before I knew it, we were always together.

Why’d you leave? I ask God that question a lot. You had to hurt me, literally kill me, at least my heart, anyways. You should've known, how much I loved you. I was supposed to become Mrs. Darcie Elle.

Love you always,
Darcie

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June 27th
Dear Journal,

Today, Mom wasn't drunk for a change. Whenever she's drunk she'll just sleep or puke, or fight with my dad. She seemed happy, which bugged me a little, and she told me today was her day off. (from what, I had no idea, since she never does anything but drink vodka).

"Want to do something special?" She asked, cheerily. I played along, like usual, and acted just fine and dandy.

"Sounds great! What do you have in mind, mom?" I said, my voice coated in fake joy. Like she would notice, she's too stupid and self-centered. She never asks me what's wrong with my life, like I'd tell her anyways.

"Hmm, I was thinking about going shopping and buying you some clothes since I have your dad's credit card, and he told me to spend a bunch of money." The sound of shopping would usually make me jump up, running for the car, but I was too tired and depressed to be excited.

"I don't know... it sounds really fun and all, but..." I said to her. She barely looked at me, as always, as she replied.

"I really want to spend time with you, baby." She pleaded, looking at me for a second. I knew that she would get angry if I didn't, so I gave in. We headed to the mall, and my mom took me around, dressing me in things that she thought were cute, but I thought looked like cheerleader sluts would dress in. She bought me five low cut tank tops, all of which were colorful and preppy, and 3 short jean skirts, along with five short shorts. She also got me some cocktail dresses (which were actually really pretty) for any "formal parties" I get invited to. Who goes to formal parties anyways??? Maybe my mom was drunk.

After we came home, she made me wear these teeny pink, plaid shorts, and a white tank top we had bought.

I hate her.

No love,
Darcie

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June 30th
Dear Journal,

Today, I ran into a really cute guy. It's really hard to admit, but he reminded me of Jonny. He had just moved in the apartment next to mine, and he just graduated from high school. We've both been accepted into MSU, which I'm still debating whether to go or not. I need a good paying job before I really go. My parents saved up some money for my scholarship, but most of it was paid for by my school because I got straight A's, and won lots of school contests.

But anyways, on to my running into this new neighbor of mine. I was walking down the hallway of my apartment building, staring at my shoes (as I often do), and a pair of these really nice running shoes meet mine, and I run straight into the most gorgeous man alive. If Jonny was still alive, he would be the most gorgeous man alive.

"Woah, I'm sorry." He said, backing up. I had to remember to breath in steady breathes. He had these really warm, brown eyes, and black hair, "emo" style, as they call it. His jaw line kind of had this edgy look to them, kind of square I guess... but anyways. I just smiled at him and told him it was fine, and I asked him if he was new to the building.

"Yeah, I just moved in, like, a couple days ago into 22G. Got a nice enough job to move out of my parents place, finally." He said, chuckling a little. I giggled, feeling totally bubble-headed and preppy, realizing I was wearing the clothes my mom bought for me.

"That's cool, I live just two apartments down from you in 24G." I said, smiling at him. I noticed he was wearing an outfit you'd wear out to run. "Are you... like out to jog, or something?" I asked, confused. It didn't really go with his look.

"Um, yeah, I am." He laughed, uncomfortable. "I don't usually... dress like this."

"Yeah, I don't usually look so..."

"Preppy?" He answered for me.

"Um, yeah, my mom thought it would be funny to torture me." He gave me a weird look, and just laughed. We started talking, and I swear it was just like when I met Jonny. We talked for about an hour, and he ended up having to go and run. And his name is Cameron.

"See you later." And then he left. Despite his good looks, and his amazing similarity to Jon, I don't know if I want to 'see him later'. It pains me to be reminded even more of Jonny.

Love,
Darcie

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July 2nd
Dear, Journal

My dad came home from a supposed 'business trip' (yeah right, more like staying at his girlfriend's house), and completely beat the crap out of me and my mom. Mostly me, though.
Now, I'm sitting here, bawling my eyes out, getting tears all over the page. As soon as he got home, it seemed, he began screaming at my mom and I for using his credit card. (Turns out my mom spent almost $200 on me! YIPEE!!)

So, he starts beating up on my mom, and she tells him that I'M the one who took his credit card. So much for 'spending time together'. And I'm surprised I woke up, alive.

But, the funny thing is, sometimes I wish I would just die. Life seems too broken without love, so whenever my dad beats me, I usually don't fight back. Usually. I still fear pain, just like everyone else.

But, now I need to go, I think I hear my dad coming. It's probably one of his fake apologies, or another beating. I can't wait until I get a good job and get my own place, far away from him and my stupid, slutty mother.

- Darcie

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July 3rd
Dear, Journal

Today I saw Cameron again. I did not want to, but I did. I was going down stairs, crying, because my dad had once again beaten me up, and my arm feels raw, under my black hoodie. I had some bruises on my face that I easily covered with some make-up, and my bruised legs are covered by my favorite jeans.

So, as I was walking in the hallway (as I always do), Cameron was walking out his apartment, car keys in hand.

"Hi," I said, feeling kind of shy. He waved at me, flashing this smile that could make a popsicle melt.

"Hey, Darcie! Haven't seen you in a while." He said. And just like when we met, we talked in the hallways of our apartment building, for a long time.

"Well, I'm heading to Starbucks for a cup of coffee. Do you want to come?" He offered, and maybe I was just imagining it, but he looked hopeful. So, I decided I would, despite how my brain was screaming 'DON'T', my heart took over. Or maybe it was my hormones. He drove us over to Starbucks, in his truck, which was rather uncomfortable, for some reason. But I think I like him. I don't want to, but I think I do.

And, as disappointed as I am with myself, he asked me to hang out with him for the fourth of July, and I said yes. Is it okay to want to start dating again, so soon? I feel so guilty. But at the same time, hopeful I can let go. And then again, I don't even know if I like him. Hormones right? Ah! It's too confusing!

sincerely,
Darcie

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July 4th
Dear, Journal

I cannot figure out what to wear. I mean, it is the fourth of July, and I can't figure if I should dress like myself or be all traditional red, white, and blue. I think I might go with myself, and a little bit traditional, like a red tee shirt... I'm not positive. I haven't been so worried about what anyone thinks about what I look like in a long time. Not since Jonny died. I just stopped caring. I can't tell if I like caring about everything again. It was, in some ways, like this, easier to not care.

Well, gotta jet, I'll write details later!

- Darcie

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July 5th
Dear, Journal

Yesterday, was the greatest time I've had in the last five months. Cameron drove us out to the zoo, which I love zoo's. We stayed there all day, and then we drove out to the beach around 9:00 p.m. to watch the fireworks. I think he told me that I looked pretty, but I wasn't sure because the fireworks were so loud.

I've decided that I like Cameron, and I'm trying hard to not feel guilty, but I still do. It's so hard to let go. And it feels too early to like other people. Is it possible to love someone and then like someone else? I have no idea.

I wish that love never existed. But, then again, life sucks without love.

My life sucks without love.

- Darcie

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July 9th
Dear, Journal

These past few days I've been in the hospital. I just got back today. I was severally beaten by my dad, to the point that my arm has been broken and I had multiple cuts and bruises. And the greatest part about it is that my dad didn't get arrested, because he told the doctors that I was riding my bicycle on the biking trail and I lost balance and fell down a hill. I don't know why he even bothered to take me to the hospital, but I'm now in a cast, and my bruises and cuts are healed, most completely gone, some just scars.

But, I bet Cameron is wondering what happened, because he's left about twenty messages on my cell phone. I should call him back right now.

- Darcie

-later-

Oh my god, Cameron is the sweetest! When I called him back, he asked me to come to his apartment tomorrow, since he heard I was at the hospital he wants to do something nice for me. It's weird, I mean, I've only known him for about a week or so, and I spend almost all my free time with him. He's a really special friend to me, and I can tell he cares about me. As a friend.

I do like him, and I am attracted to him, but I'm not sure if he does, and I don't want to jump into a relationship. It feels... not right.

- Darcie

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July 20th
Dear, Journal

It's been almost three weeks since I last wrote an update, and lots has happened.

I spend most of my time with Cameron, and it reminds me a lot of when I met Jonny, and how we never left each other's side once we met. It's way to much like deja vu, and it kinda scares me, because I know I'm developing feelings for him, and I'm scared I'll get hurt again.

But, it's like I can't control my emotions, it's so strange! And Cameron told me that he thinks I'm the most amazing girl he's ever met. And I believe him, even though part of me doesn't want to, the other part of me screams 'I BELIEVE YOU!'. And that part always wins over. Which I'm relieved for. It's easier just letting it win.

But I'm afraid I'll stop loving Jonny. And I can never do that. Never. So, I'm trying hard to protect myself, while Cameron is slowly bringing my guard down. Is that good or bad? I'm still sort of confused over that part.

I heard my dad coming, and he sounds really upset again. Looks like I have to go!

- Darcie

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July 21st
Journal,

My dad is sick.

SICK! SICK! SICK!

My hand is shaking right now, and I can hardly write. I can't believe that even a bastard like my father would do something like he just did. Fucking douche bag. I can't even call him father without sobbing. He is no father. He is Satan.

He raped me. He came into my room, screaming at me that I was the cause of him losing his job, and then he ripped of my clothes, and raped me. This time I tried to fight back, tried to, I screamed, I cried, I called for help. But he still did it. He got me, and he took away my virginity. My own dad! I HATE HIM WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING. I want to kill him.

I hear a knock on the door.

-Darcie

-later-

The police came. They heard my screaming, and they came. I am so happy, because I finally feel safe. They took my mom away to Rehab, and my dad is jailed for life, I'll never see him again.

And guess who called the police for me? Cameron. He told me that he cared about me, and that I could live with him. And I feel so much love in my heart swelling for him, there's no doubt about it.

After a month of knowing him, I know I love him. And I know that Jonny loves me so much, he wants me to be happy again.

Now, I have to tell Cameron, and I'm scared he won't feel the same.

Love,
Darcie

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July 30th
Dear, Journal

I told him how much I care about him, how much I love him, and he told me he feels the same. He told me the moment he ran into me, he knew I was the prettiest, most perfect girl he ever saw, and he wants to take care of me.

So, now, we are officially dating, and I live with him. And I don't feel guilty anymore. I will always love Jonny. He's my first love, and he taught me how to be happy.

Love,
Darce

------------

Dear, Jonny Elle

I know I was supposed to be yours forever, and I know it's still that way. I will always love you, and I know that you love me too, so you want me to be happy.

I've met this amazing guy named Cameron. He reminds me of you. And he loves me. We're going to MSU together when the first semester begins.

I feel tears coming again, but now they are tears of happiness, because I know I can always love both you and Cameron. And I have let go, and accepted your death. It was meant to be, me and Cameron, but you always in my heart.

Love always?
Yes, I will love you forever, with all my heart.
- Darcie