And How Much I Deserve the Pain

I stared out of my home through the window. Looking through it was my only escape from the prison. The man I loved and feared kept me here; threatening me, hurting me so I’d never leave. Headlights coming up my dimly lit driveway pulled my attention.

’That can’t be him,’ I thought to myself. ’It’s too early’

The house was still as Ronnie had left it; scattered with various bottles and plastic bags. I’d be punished for not cleaning the house up and not making his dinner.

’Dinner!’

I remembered the first time I ever forgot his dinner; the first time her ever laid an unaffectionate hand on me.

~*Flashback*~
“I’m home!”

I ran down the steps to meet Ronnie but stopped, stunned by the sharp sent on his breath.

“Ronnie, Baby, have you been…drinking?”

Many emotions passed through his enticing, chocolate-brown eyes. The whirl-wind of feelings slowed to anger.

“So what if I have? What’s it to you?”

I tried to take a step back from him, feeling a little hurt by his denial of my caring, but his strong arms held me still to him. The air around us was suffocating me, reeking of the pungent smell of alcohol. I whimpered when his grip tightened, and he glared down into me angrily.

“Oh, shut up! You have no right to complain! I work hard every day and you can’t even make dinner when I come home!”

I maintained my calm and spoke to him in an even tone, asking if he wanted something to eat. Ronnie simply grunted and pushed me out of his way, causing me to thump into the wall, and stormed into the living room. I stood up and walked to the kitchen upon hearing his demand for food. Cooking was the only thing on my mind at that moment, thinking it would keep him from ever getting angry at me again.

~*End Flashback*~

This piece of memory sent me running to the kitchen. I grabbed the easiest and fastest thing I could and set to work. While the water was boiling for the pasta, I went to the window again, checking to see if he was coming in or not. The nails covering my b bloody fingers were bitten short out of nervousness. I pressed my hand to the glass, checking for his silhouette.

’I don’t know why I’m so anxious for him to come in.’

The sooner Ronnie was inside, the sooner the pain would begin. I finally spotted the dark mop of dark, choppy hair neat out mailbox. The monster I was able to call mine leaned over to check it for any new letters, His tight pants sinking a little when he did this.

’How can I still want to pull those pants after all this time?’

When he stood back up, his slightly calloused fingers ran over the face of each envelope.

‘I wish his fingers were running over me right now.’

Each shuffle of the letters brought another memory into focus; the memory that kept me from ever leaving.

~*Flashback*~

It was a cold winter morning when I woke in his arms. Last night had been painful and I could still feel the soreness in my body. I also could feel Ronnie’s warm breath on my neck, but calmer than the gasping of it I’d felt the night before. I turned to see if he was awake. Innocence was smoothed my beloveds face and his hard was knotted from our earlier escapades. His arms loosened their hold, his breathing staying deep and even. Not wanting him to wake, I carefully pressed my bare feet to the carpet and padded over to some of my discarded clothes. Leaning over to pick up a shirt, I felt a sharp pinch in my hips from where his hands had held me close to him. Pulling the thin shirt over my head and grabbing some underwear, I looked down at my exposed hips. There was a set of four bruises on each one with one scratch above all of them.

’I’ll use this as a reminder of his love.’

~*End Flashback*~

A bubbling sound snapped me out of my little moment and I sprinted to the kitchen, dropping the stiff uncooked noodles in the throthy, hot liquid. Just as my Italian mother had taught me, I dumped a jar of my tomato sauce in a bowl. Beeping sounded from the microwave, signaling that the numbers that I pushed were in effect. Round and round the red liquid went, reminding me of another.

~*Flashback*~

Blood. Tons of blood soaking the floor; my blood. I had to leave and never have him find out. It had been so long since I’d let him wrap his arms around me or let him see me undressed. My stomach had grown plumper with new life, New life that was partially his. I had thought about it and figured he’d leave if he knew. I was going to leave him, leave everyone. Leaving was less painful then what could have come. More of the violent red liquid seeped from my arms, making me drowsy. The little attention I had left, I lent to the rustling outside of the bathroom. I knew it was Ronnie and I feared that my escape would be ruined. Trying to life my arm I attempted to reach for the door handle. If I could lock the entrance, he’d be too late. Sadly, the door creaked open and there he stood.
“Juliet, wha-?”
He cut his own words off and leaned down to pick me up. Ronnie saved me, and I’ll always and never forgive him for that.

~*End Flashback*~

The timer went off and I drained the limp noodles, quickly dumping them into the pureed tomatoes. Each foot step I heard raised fear higher in my spine and my hands rose to put everything on the table.

“I’m home.”

With a long deep breath, I walked to him. Though his eyes were cold, they were still captivating. I looked into them and leaned up to hug him. Strong arms made their way around my thin waist. When I leaned to kiss his full lips I was denied.

“Why is the house not cleaned?”

My body was trembling with anticipation. A rough hand collided with my face, twisting my neck.

“Answer me!”

“Ronnie, I’m sorry. I-“

Another blow to my face sent me reeling back. Eyes wide, I pleaded with him silently.

“I didn’t ask for an apology.”

Silently, I nodded and backed into the kitchen more. The aroma hit me with such intensity that my stomach churned with sickness. One small whisper escaped my mouth, praying that it wouldn’t anger him further.

“I made you dinner.”

Ronnie’s eyes softened from the trembling in my voice. I knew better than to trust his temporary calm, but I found myself crying in to his chest once again.

“Shh....It’s okay, Love, don’t cry.”

What felt like years later, my eyes had stopped leaking and I motioned to his food upon putting it on the table. My heart swelled with lover as I watched him eat happily. Wrinkles formed on my hands as I washed the dishes from making his food. Clinking of a plate being set into the sink barely caught my attention. With how much I was paying the constant scratching sound of my scrub brush on the dishes, I was sure that my insanity was following all the suds into the dish drain. Familiar limbs were around my waist again. This was a shock to me, for Ronnie was rarely intimate with me anymore. The surprise in my body caused the knife I was washing to indent on my thumb.

“Ronnie, what are you doing?”

My voice shook quietly with my words and his reply was hot on my neck. I bit my lip, resisting the urge to moan. Encouraged hands unwound themselves from my middle and slid to my hips. Ronnie’s elongated fingers rested in the same place as his earlier nail-marks were. Remembering them brought tears to my eyes. I collapsed down to the floor, reminding me of many nights I’d spent there.

~*Flashback*~

“No! Please!”

“You didn’t do what I told you to.”

My back slammed back against the cabinet from the force of his shove, and The yelping it caused that freed it’s self from my mouth angered him further. I felt a kick to my side and a sickening crack. I screamed and cried for him to stop to no avail. The kicks, the slaps, the punches; all of them increased in amount. I could feel bruises upon bruises forming quickly. My feeble attempts to fight back lost strength from the weakness taking over my body. When the beating had finally stopped, I simply lay there in my own blood, sweat, and tears. The prayer in my head was answered; Ronnie fled from the kitchen, leaving me to release. Pain crescendod and none of my choked sobs were enough to numb it. My face, stuck to the cold linoleum from the salt in my tear-drops and my side buzzed with agony. I was pathetic there. Perfectly broken and pathetic. I couldn’t leave my fate, nor could I move. The night flew on and my eyes stayed peak, glassy and motionless. When dawn broke through the silent stars in the heavens, I moved my eyes enough to see feet beside me. The feet were attached to the body that had inflicted so much this horrifying pain on me; a body that picked me up with almost no effort and carried me to bed. I closed my eyes slowly and drifted to sleep in his arms.

~*End Flashback*~

“Honey, what’s wrong?”

Crouching down beside me, he forced my chin up. Our eyes connected, and my breathing stopped momentarily. Before I could think logically, full lips were on mine. The pleasure and satisfaction it brought made it hard to pull away from the kiss I craved from him all the time. Every movement of soft, fleshy lips on my mine sent another spark in my personal show of fireworks. Our lips parted and our tongues entangled. I could feel his battling against mine in a passionate fight to win dominance. Fingers tugged hair and lips worked against each other to heighten the intensity. Minutes passed and burning filled out chests from lack of air. We separated, gasping for air. Ronnie slowly raised his hand, moving closer to touch my hair and my arm twitched in instinct to protect my face. Finally, that offensive but beautifully carved hand made contact with my ebony locks. A whimper of protest came from behind my teeth now that our minds were unclouded; his to hate again, and mine to fear. His hand did not move away, his eyes still locked with mine; Green and brown reading the other closely. My hand stretched towards him the way his had to me but a heavy force pushed it down. Confusion sunk out of chocolate, milky pools and anger flooded through like a heavy river flow through a damn.

“No.”

His word chipped another piece off of my already sore and jagged heart. I wanted to pull away from him. I was afraid of being so close to him. I pulled away slightly, only to be pushed back against the handle to the cabinet.

“Why are you pulling away, huh? Are you afraid of me?”

Gently, as if he wasn’t angered, Ronnie slipped the hand from my hair over my face to the base of my neck. Sounds of protest came from me and his grasped tightened slightly. I worried more now that he might kill me. He tightened his hand further and my mouth opened and closed like that of a fish out of water. A burning ran from my chest though my throat from lack of oxygen.

“Ronnie. I c-can’t….br-br-breathe.”

The pressure increased and face began to pale. My fingers pried at his hand to get him to stop. Colored spots appeared in front of my eyes in all of this. My mind went crazy trying to keep up with their crazy patterns. When I began to see the colors fade, I knew it was time for the end. I thought I knew.

“I’d never let you slip away like that, Darling.”

The fading colors were replaced by watery splotches. My face was damp again and my breath, choppy and uneven. The unfocused look in his eyes mixed with the anger was something I wasn’t sure of. Never in my life had I felt so uneasy about Ronnie, so afraid of what he could do. Dark marks formed on my neck from his hand and they stung as Ronnie caressed them slowly as if he was trying to hurt me. Sobs racked my body but he didn’t take it as warning. I closed my eyes and evened my breath to fake sleep. Fingers spidered their way to my lips, ghosting my features; eyesbrows, eyelids, lips, nose.

“So beautiful.”

’lies! All lies!!’

More water threatened to break from behind my eyes from this. When he would say sweet things, I knew he didn’t mean it. It sunk an ice pick to the sides of my heart, chipping away more sticky pieces. Even though part of me knew better then to believe him, I could almost feel a blush attempting recognition on my face. I hid it the best I could until he sensed I was asleep. Ronnie stood away from me and was almost out of the room when I made me dash out of the back door. Splinters entered my feet from the broken porch steps as I ran. I knew he’d come for me but I continued across the freezing ground to the wood. My chest was on fire more than ever from the labored breathing through exertion and my feet, bleeding from the underbrush in the woods. Twigs snapped behind me, signaling the predator was tracking his prey.

“Juliet, Baby?”

Sprinting faster than before, I tried to escape his calls. Suddenly there was a small clicking sound of metal against metal behind me/. Out of fear, I stood frozen, blood flowing steadily from my feet. A sharp whisper pierced the air and stung my ears.

“I can hear you breathing.”

Despite my body’s protest, I launched forward again to escape his sickening voice. Step after step, breath after breath. Unendingly, I sobbed and choked from the searing in my upper body. My vision clouded from the wetness in my eyes causing me to trip over and up-rooted tree. Spiraling through the air felt like eternity to my mind. I plummeted to the earth and landed my head harshly on a rock. The shining winter moon overhead darkened slightly from the impact and I worried that I might die resisting sleep. With eyelids half-shut, I could make out a dark silhouette above me. It leaned down to me, pressing something cold to my chest.

“I’ll miss you, Juli.”

BAM!

My sore jagged heart shattered and bled.