Jawbreaker

5 missed calls.

One was from Natalia, telling me that dress rehearsal was this week. I had purposely ignored it, knowing fully well the reason behind her phone call. I didn’t have the patience to speak about such trivial matters such as the school play.

One was from Justin. He hadn’t seen me in three days. He wanted to say he understood what I was going through, but he was worried. He missed me.

I deleted that one before it even hit the end.

The remaining two calls were from my mother.

She didn’t even bother to leave a message for either one.

I stood up from the toilet seat I was sitting on, turning my phone off. It would be rude to keep it on during the service.

I opened up the door of the stall, wiping away at my eyes as I placed my purse on the top of the sinks.

Staring at myself in the mirror, I took out my makeup from my makeup bag, setting it out before me as I turned the faucet on to let the water run. I washed the makeup smears from my face, washing it clean of anything dirty.

I lined the eyeliner on my top lids carefully, with many years of practice. I stood there, with one eye closed, staring at my work.

She always wore a lot of eyeliner, I reminded myself. It was one of the things that were on her survival list.

Things a girl needs in order to survive life; by Abigail Sue.

Vitamin water.

Sharpies.

A whole pack of Starbursts.

Inside jokes.

Black nail polish.

Eyeliner.

One good friend.

I sighed shakily as I felt that burning sensation at my nose again. I wanted to cry. But for now, I couldn’t. I needed to hold it together until the end.

I needed to stay strong for her.

I took the eyeliner pencil and heavily deepened the marks I had made earlier, circling my eyes in the thick, black charcoal. Even though the contrast of the black against my eyes made my green eyes seem even more greener, harsher, I couldn’t help it.

It’s what Abby would have done.

I looked at myself in the mirror and settled on the image that stared back at me. There was nothing else for me to do. I threw my things back into my purse, zipping it up and slinging it over my shoulder.

The closer it was coming, the more I began to dread it. In the pit of my stomach, I felt a rising feeling. I was glad I hadn’t eaten that morning, knowing that the thought of food would just make me queasy. It was the same thing at the wake, I couldn’t bare to eat anything before it. I had skipped breakfast and lunch, starving by the time I arrived to the small church.

But when I saw her--cold, lifeless, in the casket--the thought of hunger completely washed away.

My phone vibrated in my hand as I watched a black jeep pull up in front of the school. I walked out past the doors, not even bothering to open my phone, considering that I saw Alaina sitting in her car already. She ran a hand through her brown hair, her phone pressed against her ear. She set the phone down, looking over to see me running towards her car.

She waved at me as I ran up to her door, pulling it open.

I climbed in, closing the door behind me, carefully moving my dress so that it wouldn’t get caught.

I looked over at her.

“Ready?” I asked her.

She shifted the car into drive.

“Yep.”

The ride to the church was quiet. Alaina had a mix playing in her car, filling the void that we didn’t dare interrupt. Her mix consisted of indie and alternative songs, switching from Kimya Dawson to The Hush Sound, and Sufjan Stevens. I listened quietly, closing my eyes as I rested my head against the headrest.

“I don’t remember where the church is,” she stated.

I opened my eyes, looking over at her.

She had a smile on her face. “I’ve never been there before. I don’t know where it is,” she said.

I looked ahead at the road.

“Fuck, I don’t know either.”

It was quiet again before we both started laughing.

Our laughter died down as we stopped at a red light.

I looked down at my hands, which were fiddling with the zipper on my purse. I kept on poking it through the hole, scratching at the metal.

“I don’t plan on crying,” I told her.

She laughed. “I know, I don’t really want to either.”

I sighed.

“I just feel that I’ve done enough crying at the wake. I want to be strong at the funeral.”

Alaina nodded. “I know.”

It was quiet again. She continued to drive straight, passing by the green scenery. There were so many open fields that I never noticed before. A large white house came into view and Alaina commented on the vast beauty of it. I agreed with her.

“Is Justin coming?” she asked me.

I shook my head. “No. He can’t afford to miss any of his classes.”

“Lame,” she drawled.

I looked down at my hands again.

They were fidgeting.

I was anxious.