Jawbreaker

Won't let you go, I need you to stay;

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“I had a dream about your friend the other night.”

I looked up from my notebook to see Bridget staring straight back at me with her blue eyes that were circled in a thin line of black charcoal.

I stared at her eyes for a moment. They were too dull to compare to Abby’s.

“What did you just say?” I asked her, trying to sound indifferent. I could tell she saw the waver in my voice, but I tried to shrug it off by grabbing my water bottle and taking a swig, playing it off as if I just had to clear my throat.

She took my hand in hers and I almost instantly pulled away. But I stayed still because I wanted to hear her explanation.

“I remember seeing her picture all the time after she had passed away, ya know, around the church and everything. I mean, I don’t remember her at all. I just recognized her from the pictures. And it was weird…I mean, I’ve never even met this girl before. But I know for a fact that it was your friend because she had these eyes, these piercing eyes that were just so…so…”

“Blue,” I whispered.

I didn’t mean to say it out loud but Bridget just started bobbing her head. “Exactly! They were so blue. So weird.”

I bit down on my gum, letting it mold to my teeth.

Bridget continued to drone on about her insignificant dream while I returned to doodling in my notebook. Whatever she had dreamed didn’t mean anything. It was complete coincidence that she would have a dream about a girl that looked exactly like Abby, one with piercing blue eyes…

I rubbed my eye with a knuckle, disregarding the fact that I was probably smearing my mascara at the moment, and looked up to see that there was still three minutes left on the clock till study hall would be over. I wasn’t sure how much of this I could take.

Usually, I could stand Bridget. She knew how to be tolerant. But lately, she was beginning to get on my nerves. Maybe it was because I had become irritable, but B didn’t seem to understand boundaries and when she crossed them.

For instance, talking about the dreams she had about a girl she’s never met when I was dying to see Abby in my own dreams.

It was unfair. Bridget had never even met Abby. So why the hell was she having dreams about her?

The bell rang and I shoved all my pencils and notebook into my bag, throwing it over my shoulder and walking briskly past everyone else to the door.

Until I saw who was standing outside, waiting for me.

“Ayo, Lucy!”

I was annoyed with how much of a douche Justin could sound like. I cringed at the way he had greeted me and quickly turned the other way, wrapping my fingers tighter around the cloth handle of my bag. But however, as annoyed as I seemed, Justin still found a way to let his ego get the best of him.

“Wanna see a movie this Friday?”

He walked beside me, as if nothing was wrong. As if our relationship hadn’t been falling apart for the past few weeks. As if he hadn’t turned into an asshole recently. As if he hadn’t noticed the dark circles around my eyes from the lack of sleep I was getting due to the stress of our failing relationship.

No, of course he wouldn’t notice. He was a guy, after all.

“I actually promised to get dinner with a friend,” I told him.

I caught the swift move of one of his brows going up as he said, “Oh.”

He was always easy to read.

We continued to walk in silence, me looking anywhere but him, as he looked straightforward, not saying a single thing. I didn’t know what else to do. It wasn’t like I could break up with him right on the spot. I was too much of a coward for such a confrontation, and most of the time I just let these kinds of things run its course and let them end themselves, without having to do any of the dirty work….

And then he finally turned to me and said, “You know, it would be nice if you actually kept your weekends open for me. It would be nice to know that my girlfriend wants to be with me.”

It was the first time Justin had ever voiced his irritation that openly. Usually he hinted at it. Usually he would play the guilt trip until I was the one who came forth and apologized for my insincerity.

This was the first time he actually showed that he wasn’t okay with something I was doing.

And I didn’t like it. At all.

“I’m sorry,” was the first thing that slipped.

He just scoffed at me and said, “Whatever. See you,” before walking on and heading to his own class.

I looked next to me and saw that we had stopped in front of the classroom that I needed to go to anyways, and quickly entered before the bell had a chance to ring me late.

I didn’t want to think that this would be the fight to end our relationship. But in the back of my head, I knew that it would be the start.

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“What am I supposed to do?” I cried into the phone. “Cancel on a friend? Is that what you’re asking of me?”

It was Friday night and I was sitting on my bed, sobbing into the phone. Justin was on the other end, yelling at me.

“I don’t give a fuck what you do, Luce. I just think it’s fucking ridiculous that you would choose to spend time with a friend you see everyday in school over your boyfriend!”

I bit at my lip, actually heavily crying.

I had called him crying. He sent me a long, angry text earlier in the day and I wasn’t sure of what to do. When he answered, he sounded like he didn’t want to talk to me at all. His tone was angry. His words were angry. He was angry.

“But I had these plans, Justin. I can’t do that to a friend. That would be like choosing you over her, and that’s unfair. We can still see each other, and it’s not like I don’t see you in school either…”

That was probably the worst thing to say.

“So you’re choosing your friend over me? You don’t think I sacrifice my own plans in order to see you? You don’t think I try to make time for you because, oh, I don’t know, because I care? You’re a selfish bitch, Lucy Holden. That’s what you are.”

It hurt. Despite everything, his words could still hurt me.

“Are you trying to make me cry?” I asked him, honestly wanting to know the answer to this.

And he said, like all the times I’ve cried before,

“You make yourself cry.”

I didn’t know what to say. And before I could even think of something to say, he quickly said his goodbye and hung up.

I was rendered speechless. I couldn’t think of any words to form, any thoughts to occupy my mind, all I could think was how broken my heart felt at that moment.

So I continued to cry. Sitting in my room, on my bed, alone.

And then I picked up my phone and quickly dialed a number that I hadn’t in a fairly long time. She picked up on the third ring, confused that I was even calling her.

“Lucy? Why are you--”

But then Lauren stopped when she heard my sobs.

“I-I got into a fight,” I stuttered. “With Justin.”

She was aware of my love life.

“What happened?” she asked, quietly. I was surprised that she was even giving me the time of day.

“He’s angry with me because I had plans tonight to have dinner with a friend. He asked me if I wanted to see a movie with him, but I shot him down because I already have plans. And now he’s angry with me because he says that I never bother to make time for him. He’s so mad…” I continued to cry, fully aware of how pathetic I sounded.

She sighed into the phone, making it crackle. “Well that’s stupid. You guys spend enough time together, considering you two go to school. And you probably talk on the phone every night.”

I nodded even though she couldn’t see me.

“And besides, he sounds like a whiny little bitch, if you ask me.”

I laughed at this, my laugh being rough because of all the crying I had done earlier.

I could hear a laugh in her voice as she continued. “However, it doesn’t sound like he’s being a good boyfriend if he’s making you cry like this. No boy should ever make his girl cry. It’s just not proper etiquette.”

I was quiet before saying, “He said that I make myself cry.”

I heard Lauren suck in her breath.

“Lucy Holden, who the fuck are you dating--to tell you something ridiculous like that-- he doesn’t even deserve you!”

I was taken aback by this statement. After all this time, she still cared. It made me want to cry even more.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, the tears still making their way down my face.

“Good heavens, for what?” she asked, confused.

“For everything,” I told her. “For changing. For becoming friends with Bridget, for dating Justin, for wearing cable knit sweaters--”

“Yeah, that was a little weird,” she interjected with a laugh.

I laughed with her. “But honestly. I’m sorry for all of this. I never meant for things to change the way they did….it just sort of…”

“Happened,” she willingly filled.

I nodded again, even though I she still couldn’t see.

“Listen,” said Lauren quickly, “if you ever get the time or have a weekend open, let’s grab a cup of coffee and chat. We can catch up, you know. There’s a lot going on in both of our lives that we aren’t aware of, and it would be nice. So text me a time and place, and we’ll make this happen.”

I was so happy and glad that I almost forgot to answer, “Of course! That sounds wonderful.”

I could hear the smile in her voice as she said, “Good. Look, I’m not trying to be rude or anything and I really love that we’re talking again, but I have to go finish up this reading for Government, otherwise my grades will suffer and if that happens I will never get coffee with you in a million years.”

I laughed and said, “No, no, of course. I understand. It was nice talking to you. Really.”

“Bye, Luce. Good luck with that asshole.”

I laughed and hung up. My phone screen flashed and I noticed that I had received a text during the call and I opened it. It was from Bridget.

Justin just texted me an invite to a bonfire? R u going?

I sucked in my breath. I quickly texted her back, telling her that I had no idea about any bonfire.

She texted me back.

Hes a fucking idiot. He even spelled bonfire wrong.

I sat there, unaware of what to do.

And then the crying began again.
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I'm so, so, so, sooooooooooo very sorry that it's been this long.

College has me on a hectic schedule, and I really haven't been trying to keep up with this story only because of all my classes. I never imagined such a change. It's a big stressful.

However, I want to try my best and continue this story. It's still extremely dear to me, and I feel like it'll help me as a sort of anchor to where my life is heading right now.

I'm trying my hardest. Please be patient with me.

:)

ps. Also, I realize how unrealistic it seems that Lauren forgave Lucy that easily after everything, and that they could go back to being chummy....however, in real life, things like this actually do happen.