No One Knows

Jessie didn't sleep that night. At the time, she didn't think she'd ever be able to sleep again. She was so shocked by her own actions that for a long while she couldn't even move. She just lay, staring at the ceiling; watching as it became blurred by her tears and listening as Billie Joe's breathing became slow and regular.

They hadn't spoken. What was there to say? And why did she feel like the fact that they'd just had sex meant he had somehow won the argument? Jesus. They'd just had sex.

She couldn't lie with him any longer. She didn't want to have to see him when she woke up. She was far too messed up for that already. She managed to untangle herself from him without waking him, then she picked up a blanket that was thrown over the armchair and pulled it around herself. It felt comforting. But not comforting enough.

She shivered when she slid in between the sheets of her bed. The whole room felt cold compared with Billie Joe's arms. But she wasn't supposed to be in them, and she wasn't his to hold.

She pressed her face into the pillow. What had happened to her? How could she have lost control so completely? How could she have let him do this? She felt a sob well up in her chest, and let it out into the pillow. She felt dirty, and cheap, and furious with herself.

She heard birds beginning to sing in the trees. There would be a sunrise soon. But she didn't want to see it. She didn't want to see anything. She wanted to keep her face buried in her pillow for the rest of her life.

Where had all the feelings come from? Couldn't they have given her some warning before all jumping out at once? Maybe they had given her warning, and she just ignored them. Maybe she had just hidden her face in her pillow and pretended they weren't there. Not that it mattered now. The feelings didn't matter now. They weren't real anyway. They didn't mean anything. Just because he had eyes she could drown in, that didn't mean anything. They didn't stop him acting like an arrogant asshole when he wanted to.

Did he really care about her like it had seemed? Remembering the way he had held her as they stood in the rain made Jessie sob out loud. He had made her feel so safe, so protected. He made her feel like nobody could hurt her again. Had he ever meant it? Maybe he had had this on his mind the whole time. Maybe this was all he ever wanted. Maybe the Billie Joe she thought she had found, had never existed at all.

They say ignorance is bliss, and its true. Right then, Jessie would have given anything to be standing in the rain the night before, with Billie Joe's arms wrapped around her, losing herself in the mistaken belief that somebody really cared.

She was hardly aware of the sun dawning. She hadn't noticed the time pass, and when she realized how much of it she had spent crying and stewing over her own pain, she felt more than a little pathetic. Hearing her father and Ollie getting up reminded her of other problems. Her father knew she had told Billie Joe. All he needed to do was get her on her own...

A knock at the door made her stiffen with fear. She realized she didn't know if she would rather it was Billie Joe or her Dad. Luckily, it was neither.

"Thought I'd wake you up so you didn't sleep through school."

Jessie studied Ollie's face closely, for any hints to what was going on between her and her father. Why had they been sleeping in separate beds? But Ollie wasn't giving anything away. She looked the same as always.

"I'm not going to school," said Jessie, "I don't feel well"

Ollie looked at her.

"Well, y'know, you don't look that great," she frowned, reaching out and pressing the palm of her hand to Jessie's forehead.

Probably because I've spent all night crying instead of sleeping, Jessie thought. But there was no way she was going anywhere near school. She couldn't face that place at the best of times, least of all today.
"Well, stay home if you don't feel well," said Ollie, sympathetically, "I'm going to work. Your Dad left early to go to Oakland."
"What's he doing there?"
"He got some work. Some old house needs rewiring. Good news huh?"
"Not for the people who own the house."

Ollie chuckled.

"But as long as your Dad makes some money, who cares about them?" she said,

Jessie couldn't stay in the house. She didn't want to see Billie Joe and she was afraid her father would walk in the door any minute. Even though she knew Oakland was an hour away and rewiring a house want exactly a quick job, she couldn't shake the fear that he would just turn up early. Just the thought of seeing him gave her shivers. She couldn't do it. She didn't want to see him. Did she have to?

Billie Joe was still fast asleep on the couch when she got downstairs. She didn't want to see him either, but somehow she just couldn't help herself from creeping into the room. Her breathing quickened as she caught sight of him, tangled up in a blanket on the couch, his arm dangling off the side so that his fingers grazed the floor. How did he always manage to look so goddamn innocent, when really he was anything but? Looking at him like that, it was hard to believe how passionate and rough he had been the night before. But she could remember. She could remember how it had felt when he pushed her up against the wall. She could remember the way his teeth scraped her lip and his hands explored her skin, the way his hot breath felt on her neck, and the way his moans sounded in her ear.

Her heart was beating fast again, and she tried to push the thoughts from her mind. But she knew it was no use. He could look as cute as he liked right there. The illusion was gone. The Billie Joe she had trusted was gone. And that meant she had lost everything.

Billie Joe stirred slightly, making her jump and breaking her thoughts. He rolled onto his side, pulling the blankets further around himself in his sleep, as she hurried back out of the room.

She didn't take much, but then she didn't really own much. She just threw some stuff into her backpack as fast as she could so that she could get the hell out before Billie Joe woke up and tried to pretend that what had happened between them didn't matter. It was just sex, right? Why make a big deal out of it? No, she didn't feel like having that conversation. They'd done enough arguing for one lifetime.

She knew it was unfair to just leave without any explanation. Over the past couple of weeks Billie Joe had seemed more like a friend to her than anyone ever had. But that wasn't enough. They'd erased all that now. She couldn't get that back. She couldn't get anything back.

Wiping the tears from her eyes, she crept into Billie Joe's bedroom, and hunted through the clutter for a pen and paper. The only thing she could find to write on was an old copy of Rolling Stone, but she didn't have time to mess about now. She turned it over and made the best of what she had. She stared at the page for a long time. How could she put into words what she was feeling? How could she possibly explain in a way he would understand? He was never going to know how she was feeling, and he was never going to understand. Was there even any point in trying to explain?

Jessie let out a deep breath as she put pen to paper, just about managing to work the lines of writing around a picture of Steven Tyler and Joe Perry that adorned the back of the magazine. He probably wouldn't even be able to make it out but at least she had tried. Leaving the note on the end of Billie Joe's bed where he would see it, she slung her backpack over her shoulder, went back downstairs and headed out of the front door without looking back.

The house was quiet when Billie Joe awoke, confused. Rubbing his sleepy eyes, it took him a moment to work out why he was on the couch in the living room, and realization hit him suddenly as his brain flooded with memories from the night before. His heart skipped a beat and he sat bolt upright.

He had slept with Jessie. How the fuck did that happen? Throwing back the blankets, he stood up suddenly, making the blood rush to his head. He covered his face with his hands. What the hell did this mean?

He began to pace the room without even realizing it. How had it happened? One minute they were arguing, and the next they were fucking. Whose fault was that? He groaned, putting his hands in his hair and pulling on it. It was his fault. It had to be. Far be it from him to be able to control such urges. But then, Jessie obviously hadn't controlled them either. Maybe she was okay with it?

He sighed, dropping back onto the couch and putting his head in his hands. It was Jessie. It wasn't just some girl he met at Gilman Street. They were supposed to be friends, and most of the time they couldn't even manage that. They were not supposed to do this. She was not going to be okay with it.

He sat and went over the situation in his head for a while, trying to calm himself down, and trying not to think about how good making such a mistake had felt at the time. He jumped when his thoughts were broken by a voice ringing out in the hallway.
"Billie... .!"

The front door slammed shut behind Mike as he let himself in.

"Hey," Billie Joe called weakly, without lifting his head. He really wasn't in the mood for visitors. He had way too much shit to sort out in his own mind.
"Are you okay, man?" Mike frowned, seeing Billie Joe hunched on the couch in his boxers.

Billie Joe looked up.

"Yeah... " he muttered, as Mike took a seat next to him.
"I was just bored and thought you might want a jam... hey, have you been in a fight?"
"No."
"So who split your lip?"

Billie Joe gingerly raised a finger to his lip. Fucking hell.

"Um... nobody," he stammered, lamely.

Mike raised his eyes.

"Nobody landed a good punch," he observed, "Shit, Billie. I've known you long enough to tell when you're bullshitting me."

Billie Joe dropped his eyes to the floor and sighed.

"I think I've made the mother of all mistakes," he said.
"You have the mother of all hickeys on your neck too," Mike smirked, "Please don't tell me the mother of mistakes was taking that Billie chick back because she's a fucking-"
"-No," Billie Joe said, quickly, blushing slightly as his hand went to his neck. He was starting to think he wasn't so completely to blame as he had first thought. Had she been trying to fucking eat him alive? "It wasn't Billie."
"So who was it?"

He covered his face again.

"Jessie," he mumbled through his fingers.

Mike did a double take.

"Jessie?!" he exclaimed, leaning forward and staring at Billie Joe, wide-eyed, "What the fuck, Billie?! How did that happen?"
"I have no idea," replied Billie, honestly, "It just kind of... did. I don't know. We were arguing and then... I kissed her... and one thing just kinda led to another... "

Mike's jaw dropped.

"When you say led to another, what kind of another are we talking?"

Billie Joe sighed.

"... We had sex," he admitted
"Oh my God."
"I know."
"Seriously, Billie. What the hell?! It's Jessie! I didn't even think you liked her!"
"I do like her."
"Have you been in, like, complete denial for the past couple of months or what?"
"I don't know. Possibly."

Billie Joe groaned, leaning back against the couch with a thump
.
"You can't fucking do this!" Mike exclaimed, "What about Tre?! He is not going to be ok with this! You told him to fucking dump her, and then the moment he's out of the picture - in fact the very same fucking night- you go and fuck her instead!"

Shit. He hadn't even thought about Tre. Mike was right. This didn't look good at all. How could he have let this happen?

"I wasn't thinking," said Billie Joe, wearily.
"No shit!"
"Mike... "
"How does Jessie feel about all this? Cause she doesn't really strike me as the meaningless sex kind of girl. Although she didn't really strike me as the gnawing on your lips and neck kind of girl either so what do I know... "
"Tell me about it," said Billie Joe. Then he frowned, "I haven't seen her. She wasn't here when I woke up. Which probably isn't a good sign."
"Probably not."
"Fuck Mike... I've really messed everything up. Jessie and I were just starting to get on really good and now I've gone and wrecked it. And Tre... he's going to hate me as well... "
"He isn't gonna be happy," Mike agreed. "But maybe Jessie'll be okay with it."
"I doubt it," Billie Joe sighed, "She's going through a heap of shit right now, she doesn't need this."
"Maybe it was what she did need."

Billie Joe put his head in his hands again.

"She needed a friend," he said, "She didn't need this."
"You need to talk to her, man"
"I know," said Billie Joe quietly, "But what if I fucked everything up?"
"You don't know that you have yet. But look, Tre is going to be fucking pissed at you. And he has good reason."

Billie Joe frowned.

"Thanks for reminding me, Mikey"
"I just don't want you guys falling out before Saturday. It's our first show together and we have to be fucking good. And if you two are at each other's throats then... well, we won't be. So can you hold out until then?"

Billie Joe scratched his head.

"I'll try," he said, wistfully.

After a moment's silence, Mike said,
"So you wanna have that jam?

Billie Joe shook his head.

"I need to sort stuff out in my head," he said, "But... thanks anyway."
"Alright, well... come over later if you change your mind."

A half hour later, Billie Joe still hadn't moved from the couch. His thoughts had been round in circles so many times that he was beginning to feel sick, and the only conclusion he'd come to was that his night of passion with Jessie wasn't the most important thing he had to deal with. He had no idea where John was, but he knew he could come home any minute, and that he didn't want him coming home at all.

As much as he kept telling Jessie he wouldn't let her father hurt her, it panicked him that John could find her when he wasn't around. The thought of what John might do now he knew she had told him he had hurt her made him sick with worry. And Jessie wasn't the only one he was worried about. What about his mother? Why had she been sleeping in his bedroom in the first place? What had John done?

He stood up suddenly, his heart beating fast with worry. This wasn't something he could put off. He wasn't going to let John's blackmailing scare him. He wasn't going to let him hurt his mother. Because if he couldn't get in the house, he wouldn't be able to do a thing.

Billie Joe ran upstairs to his room to search for some clean clothes. He knew he had to get to the restaurant as quickly as possible before John came home. He searched through the clothes strewn around his room, chucking everything off his bed in the process, before throwing on an old T-shirt and some jeans, grabbing his keys, and running downstairs and out of the front door.

The restaurant was busy with the lunchtime crowd when he got there and Ollie was racing around like crazy. He couldn't immediately see anybody else doing much work, but after a moment he realized he couldn't see anybody else at all other than the rush of customers, and he decided that he had probably picked the worst time to do this. But then, was there ever going to be a good time to have this conversation?

"Hey Mom," he said, nervously stuffing his hands into his pockets as he stood behind her.

She turned around.

"Billie!" she exclaimed, putting her hands on his shoulders, "Thank God you're here."
"What? Why?"

She sighed and rolled her eyes dramatically as she picked up a tray of dirty plates and started towards the kitchen. He followed her.

"Laura didn't show up and the new girl called in sick, and I'm on my own doing the goddamn lunch shift."

She chucked him an apron.

"Mom... seriously."
"Seriously, sweetie," she said, brightly.
"I just came to-"
"Bill, do this for an hour, and I will love you beyond belief!"
"I'm your son. I think you're supposed to do that already"
"Well, there's no harm in making sure, is there?" she said, breathlessly, plonking a tray of coffees into his hands, "Table six."

He rolled his eyes.

"Okay, okay," he said, "But when it quietens down out there, can I talk to you?"

Ollie dusted her hands off on her apron and went over to the stove to give the soup a stir.

"Can't it wait till tonight, Hon? I'm kinda rushed today."

"It can't wait till tonight," he insisted, firmly, looking her in the eye.

She stopped stirring and looked at him straight.

"You aren't in any kind of trouble are you, Billie Joe?"
"What? No... I just... need to talk to you"

She started stirring again.

"Phew. Well, ok... . Come on, Bill, table six!"

Of course, Ollie's hour turned into two hours, then three, but eventually the place cleared out for the afternoon lull and Billie Joe collapsed against the kitchen units, completely exhausted. Well, it wasn't like he'd gotten much sleep the night before.

"You did a great job, Sweetie," said Ollie, as he chucked her his apron, "I appreciate it"
"Ah, its ok," he said,
"You're free to go now," she said, "I'll see you at home later"
"Woah, wait, you said I could talk to you."
"Oh yeah... so I did. What's up?"

Shit. Was he supposed to just launch right into it? How could he say it? How was she going to react? Could he really do this right here in the middle of the kitchen?

Ollie raised her eyebrow at his lack of words, and he had just opened his mouth to speak when Laura the waitress came bursting through the door.

"Ollie, I'm so sorry!" she gushed.
"Where the hell have you been?" Ollie asked her
"My car broke down and I... "
"Yeah, yeah," said Ollie, wryly, rolling her eyes, "I get the picture"
"I'm sorry you were on your own... "
"Well, it was okay actually. Billie makes a good waitress."

Billie Joe smiled weakly in acknowledgment of his mother's hilarious joke, wringing his hands together in anxiety. When was he going to be able to fucking talk to her? When she left the room, Laura groaned.

"I am so fucking hung over," she said, conspiratorially.

He chuckled.

"It's four thirty," he pointed out.
"Tell me about it."
"So your car broke down, huh?"

She snorted.

"You think I can afford a car on these wages? I don't think so."

Billie Joe smiled slightly, before going back to being anxious.

"Say, Laura, seeing as you left us in the lurch this morning, think you can hold the fort for a while? I kinda need to sort some stuff out with Mom... "
"I guess its only fair."
"Thanks, Dude," he said, sliding off the kitchen unit and heading out into the restaurant.
"No problem, Dude," she smirked after him.

"Mom, I said I needed to talk to you."
"I know, Billie, but I told you I'm busy today, I can't just drop everything when you-"
"-Laura's gonna take care of things for a while here, God knows she owes you. C'mon, please, I wouldn't do this if it wasn't really important"

She sighed, raising her eyes to meet his. She could tell he was serious.

"Okay, okay, shoot..."
"Not here..."

Billie Joe took his mother by the arm and led her out the back, where he stood in front of her, nervously.

"Right, Billie, spit it out. What's bothering you?"
"It's John," he blurted out.

Ollie folded her arms over her chest, ready to get defensive. She knew John and Billie Joe didn't get on and she really wasn't in the mood to sort out another of their disagreements.

"What about him?" she prompted.

Billie Joe began to pace back and forth, his heart beating fast and his mind racing as he tried to work out how to say what he needed to say.

"Billie Joe?"
"He's dangerous, Mom"
"Billie, I know you guys don't get on, but I'm really getting sick of-"

Billie Joe interrupted her, stopping his pacing and facing her.

"-I'm not just badmouthing him for no good reason, Mom!" he insisted, "I'm worried sick. He's dangerous, and I'm worried sick!"
"He isn't dangerous!" she scowled, her voice wavering slightly, "Where do you get such an idea?"
"Jessie. And it's fucking obvious! I can't believe I didn't pay attention before now. The guy's violent, you've seen how he gets-"

Ollie cut him off.

"Billie Joe," she said, raising her voice, "I get that you don't like him. You didn't like him before you even met him, and I didn't expect you to, because you never like any man that comes into my life. But I won't have you throwing damaging accusations like this around like its nothing!"
"I'm not!" Billie Joe shouted, in frustration, "He hits Jessie!"

Ollie stared at him for a moment, obviously caught off guard. Billie Joe stared right back, nervously awaiting her reaction.

"Billie," she said, shakily, "I hope you realize what an accusation you're making here-"
"-I do, Mom, I-"
"Because if you think John would harm a hair on his daughter's head then it only goes to show how little you know him and how unqualified you are to judge him-"
"-Mom!" he shouted, in protest.

He hadn't even considered the possibility that she just wouldn't believe him.

"Billie Joe, I haven't got time for this. You need to grow up and accept that I'm not going to spend the rest of my life alone just to please you."
"I don't want that!" Billie Joe cried, desperately, "I just don't want you with John! I'm not making his up, Mom! Jessie told me the other day... well, I found out, and... I haven't been able to think about anything but how worried I am about you and about her... I-"
"-Billie"

Ollie's voice shook as she stared down at the floor.

"I need to get back to work Billie."
"Mom... you can't just pretend it isn't true... "
"Billie Joe," she snapped, "Go home"

Billie Joe groaned in frustration, tugging at his hair as he sunk down onto the step they were standing in front of and put his head in his hands.

"Please, please believe me... " he said, pleadingly. His voice came out sounding strangled as he felt tears come to his eyes. "I know how serious this is. I know what I'm saying. I wouldn't make this shit up about anyone, Mom, no matter what I thought of them. Mom, the bruises... I've seen the bruises... "

Ollie was silent. She was still staring at the ground.

"When I found out about Jessie I... God, I was just so scared that he was doing the same thing to you and... I'm so worried about her, she's terrified of him. I can't keep this secret for her, Mom... . I'll only go crazy with worrying about the both of you... You have to fucking believe me, Mom, I don't want him in the house anymore, I can't let him do it."

Billie Joe was choking up now, as his tears came to the surface.

"He isn't worth this, can't you see that? Nobody's worth this. He doesn't deserve you looking after him. He doesn't deserve you and he doesn't deserve Jessie. He's a bastard and he deserves fuck all!"

Billie Joe covered his face with his hands. As Ollie watched a tear seep through his fingers, she felt as if someone had taken a sledgehammer to her heart and smashed it into a thousand pieces. Her body went numb as she was forced to face her worst fear. He was telling the truth. It pained her that she could have accused him of anything else. Sitting down on the step next to him, she put her arms around his shoulders, letting him lean into her. Her heart ached when she felt his body shake and he let out a muffled sob.

"I'm sorry, Billie," she whispered, her eyes welling up with tears as the full scale of what he was saying hit her completely. "... I'm so sorry"

He didn't answer. He couldn't. The past couple of days had been a roller coaster of emotions and he was sick of keeping them inside. The relief of just having somebody hold him was overwhelming.

"I'm so sorry," she repeated, tearfully, pressing a kiss into his hair, "I didn't want to believe you... but I do. I never meant to put you through this... "
"He never hurt you... did he?"

Billie Joe's voice came out muffled and strained.

"No," she said, her voice cracking through her tears, "And he won't. He won't hurt any of us anymore."
"I don't want him coming back."
"He won't. He isn't talking his way out of this one, Sweetie. I promise. I know we don't always see eye to eye but... you know I love you... far, far too much to let him hurt you. Either of us."
"I love you too," Billie Joe cried, relief pouring out of him, rolling down his face and dripping from his nose. "And I'm not letting him either. He isn't hurting either of us now. He isn't hurting any of us now."