No One Knows

Watching the bay was always relaxing. There is something about water that makes it easier to think, and Jessie knew she had a lot of thinking to do. Sitting down on the edge of the boardwalk at the marina, she was lost in her thoughts, hardly noticing the hustle and bustle of the boats coming and going, the summer visitors strolling past, and the seagulls screeching overhead.

She couldn't go back, which meant she had to go forward. She'd lost the Armstrongs, she didn't want to go anywhere near her father, so she had to find someone new. Hours passed as she sat, her legs crossed underneath her, and her head resting in the palm of one of her hands as she threw small stones into the bay with the other.

She knew what she had to do, and the urge to just jump on a bus and leave as fast as she could was great, but there was someone she knew she wanted to say goodbye to first.

The place was empty when she got there, and Eddie was bored out of his mind. He was sitting on the counter top losing himself in a particularly intense game of Tetris when she walked in.

"Hey Eddie," she said, trying to keep her voice from shaking.

He briefly looked up from his Gameboy at the sound of her voice.

"Fuck, Jessie," he scowled, quickly looking back down, "They've all fucking piled up now... shit I really fucking need one of those goddamn long ones and... fuck! No! Fuck! Gaaaaah. God Fucking Dammit!"

He slammed the Gameboy down onto the counter.

"A thousand and twenty lines," he said, "And you had to walk in then! Do you realise how... hey, are you okay?"
"Uh... yeah."
"You don't look okay, you look kinda weird. Are you sure you're alright, kiddo?"
"Well... actually, I came here to tell you that... you're gonna have to find yourself a new helper."

He frowned.

"You're quitting on me?"
"I'm leaving Berkeley."
"Why?"
"I... I just... . I need to. I'm leaving"

She struggled to hold back her tears, and he noticed and slid off the counter. He took her backpack off and set it down on the floor, then put his arm around her shoulders.

"Jessie... what's happened?"
"I have to leave," she choked out, as a few tears escaped down her face.
"Are you going with your Dad? Is he taking you?"

She shook her head

"Jessie, are you running away?"
"No... " she said, realizing that was a lie, "I've just... I've got nothing here and... I need to go."
"What's happened?"

She wiped at her eyes.

"I did something really, really stupid... " she said, so quietly, he could barely hear her.
"Tell me about it," said Eddie, smiling slightly, "I've spent my whole life doing really, really stupid stuff. It's what I do. And I'm thirty-five. You're sixteen. You have an excuse."
"No... I've fucked everything up... "
"What did you do?"
"I can't tell you."
"Okay... well... was it something illegal?"
"No," she shook her head
"Are you gonna get in trouble for it, is that why you're running away?"
"No... I just. I need to go, Eddie. You can't talk me out of it. I just came to say goodbye"
"I'm worried about you. You're just a kid. Where will you go?"
"I'm going to San Francisco."
"What will you do there?"
"If I tell you, you'll talk me out of it."
"That doesn't sound good."
"I promise I'll be okay. I promise. I have some money saved up, I'll find somewhere to stay."

Eddie sighed. He felt responsible for her now she had told him all of this. But he could see she was determined. He knew what she was like.

"Jessie... are you going to come back?"
"It depends."
"Will you give me a call in a couple of days so I know you're okay?"
"... Okay."
"Good," he breathed, going over to the till and taking out a bunch of bills. He put them in her hand.
"You already paid me," she said, confused,
"I know... this is a bonus. I want to make sure you have enough for now... okay?"
"Thanks," she said, gratefully, "Thanks for understanding."
"Just please be careful... I won't forgive myself if anything happens to you and I could have stopped you."
"You couldn't have stopped me."

He smiled, wistfully,

"Yeah, kid, I know," he said.

Billie Joe sat on his bed, strumming his guitar in an attempt to relieve his nerves. He knew John was due back from Oakland any minute and that his mother was downstairs waiting for him. He wanted to be down there with her, but she'd refused. No matter what John had done, she was ending a relationship and it was going to be upsetting for her. She didn't need an audience.

She was putting on a brave face and Billie Joe knew it. She was trying to be strong for him, make out that everything was going to be okay. But he wasn't stupid. He knew John wasn't going to leave without a fight. He was going to lie about it, probably accuse him of lying to his mother, probably threaten them, and he was definitely going to want to take Jessie.

Which was another problem weighing on his mind...

He set his guitar down and lay back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. She hadn't come home. School had gotten out by now so he knew she wasn't there. She could be at the record store, and he considered going to look for her, but he was afraid of what she'd say if they were standing face to face. He couldn't imagine what he'd say either. They'd well and truly fucked things up.

It didn't help that he kept getting flashbacks of the night before, which was making it even more difficult to put it behind him and pretend it didn't happen. He knew he shouldn't be thinking of Jessie like that, but how could he help it now? Pandora's box had been flung open, and the contents were dangerously exciting.

The sound of the front door slamming shut made him sit bolt upright. John was back. Fighting the urge to eavesdrop, Billie Joe opened his bedroom door a crack so that he would hear if their voices raised to levels that would worry him, then went to the window and lit a cigarette to calm his nerves. He found himself looking down the street for any sign of Jessie returning and put his head in his hands. He really was being pathetic. She'd only been gone since that morning. It didn't mean she wasn't coming back. It was probably best she wasn't here anyway, or John would try and take her with him. He wouldn't let that happen though. There was no way he was taking her with him. He'd only hurt her again, and his mother had agreed. Jessie could stay with them as long as she liked.

For a long while, the voices downstairs kept to a steady rumble. He was impressed that his mother was managing to keep John calm. It almost seemed like he was being rational, but Billie Joe was very aware that John was unlikely to take being rational for very long. And he was right. He could hear his voice drifting up the stairs.

"How the fuck can you believe that, Ollie?" he was shouting, "How can you think I'd do that?! Billie Joe doesn't even fucking know me!"

The anger was rising inside of him as he fought the urge to run downstairs and let John have it.

"He knows Jessie!" Ollie shouted back, "Jessie told him! Are you calling your own daughter a liar?!"
"She is a liar!" he yelled, "We know that! Don't you remember all the shit I went through with the school?!"
"That's different John, and you know it! No child would invent a story about their parent hitting them! I know you've done it, and I won't have it!"
"Don't you fucking know me at all?!"
"No, I don't think I do anymore! I've found a side to you that makes me feel sick and I'll never be able to think about you in the same way! It's over!"
"Where the fuck am I supposed to go?!"
"That's your problem, not mine!"

Billie Joe stubbed out his cigarette and crept out of the room, taking a seat at the top of the stairs so he could see down into the living room where the argument was taking place. They were standing in the middle of the room facing each other. John was red in the face from anger, and his Mom was crying. Seeing her tear streaked face made him hate John even more.

"Well, if you care about Jessie so much you'd think it was a problem! You want her sleeping on the streets?!"
"She isn't going anywhere with you, she's staying right here"
"What the fuck?! You can't have it both ways, Ollie! She's my fucking daughter, she's coming with me!"
"There is no way you are going near that girl!" Ollie shouted, "She's terrified of you!"
"Well, if she did as I said once in a while, she wouldn't have to be!"
"You mean you wouldn't hit her if she behaved?! She's a teenager! They aren't supposed to do what we tell them. I couldn't lay a finger on any of my kids, no parent should!"
"Maybe that's why Billie Joe's such a fucking waste of space! And he's gonna get what's fucking coming to him for this. Miserable piece of shit... "
"Don't you dare talk about my son like that!" Ollie screamed at John. "Just get out!"
"Make me!" John yelled back, "You can't tell me what to fucking do! I'm twice the size of you, and I'm not going nowhere!"

Billie Joe couldn't take it anymore. He was seething. He was practically blind with anger, and he just wanted to rip John apart. He flew down the stairs and into the living room, then lunged at John, using all his strength to slam him against the wall. He took John by surprise, so it wasn't difficult to pin him.

"Get the fuck out!" Billie Joe yelled, "She doesn't want you, I don't want you, this is our house, and you don't live here anymore! You can't bully her into letting you stay!"

John shoved Billie Joe hard, knocking him to the floor.

"John!" Ollie screamed, reaching down to pull Billie Joe off the floor.
"I warned you, asshole!" John yelled hauling Billie Joe up by the shirt, and backing him against the wall. Billie Joe struggled but John was too strong for him. "I warned you! You're a fucking idiot to do this to me! I'm not going to leave peacefully. I'm going to get you back for this. And I'm going to get Jessie back. I always get my way, and you two are fucking pathetic if you think you stand a chance!"
"Please, John," Ollie sobbed, trying to pull him away from Billie Joe, "Just let him go!"

John grabbed Billie Joe's chin

"You asked for this," he hissed into his face, before slamming his head back against the wall, making him cry out.

Ollie screamed again, grabbing at John's arm, before they heard what was the most welcome sound in the world. The back door opening followed by a voice calling out.

"Billie?"
"Mike!" Billie Joe screamed.

John laughed, scornfully.

"You're little faggy friends don't scare me!"

Seconds later, both Mike and Tre appeared in the doorway, their eyes widening with shock as they took in the scene in front of them

"What the fuck... " Tre muttered, as Mike lunged at John and pulled him backwards. John struggled against him, pushing him away easily before Tre came to Mike's aid.

"Get the fuck away from me, you little assholes," John growled, pushing Tre backwards.
"Get out of my house!" Ollie shouted, tears streaming down her face, "Get him out of here!"
"You heard her," said Mike, shoving him towards the door, "Get. The fuck. Out"
"Fine!" John yelled, "But don't think you've heard the last of this! I'll be back for Jessie! She's my daughter, and I've got rights!"
"Not anymore you don't," said a shaken Billie Joe, pushing himself off the wall and towards John, "You aren't coming anywhere fucking near her, you piece of shit. You aren't hurting her again. You're a fucking asshole."

Billie Joe drew back his fist and surprised himself with the force and accuracy that his punch landed with, getting John square in the jaw and eliciting a groan. As John struggled against Mike and Tre to get at Billie Joe, Tre realized for the first time exactly what all this was about.

"You've been hurting Jessie?!" he exclaimed, with disgust.
"Just like I'll hurt you if you don't take your fucking hands off me," John growled.
"Fuck you!" Tre yelled in his face, as all three boys managed to haul John down the hallway and shove him out of the front door.
"Fuck you!" Tre yelled again as John walked down the drive.
"Don't think I'm not coming back," John spat, before Billie Joe slammed the door on him.

Leaning back against the door to catch his breath, Billie Joe felt his legs become weak.

"Guys," he breathed, shakily, "If you hadn't come in... I... . Fuck guys. Thanks"
"Hey, its okay," said Mike, breathing heavily, as he put an arm around Billie Joe's shoulders, "We did come in... . so it's ok. And that was a fucking awesome punch, Bill."
"It felt awesome," Billie Joe nodded, putting his hands to his face, "I've been wanting to do that a long time."
"Fucking bastard," said Tre, in disbelief, "Fucking cock sucking bastard"
"I know," Billie Joe breathed, turning to Tre, "I only found out he was violent the other day and - oh fuck, Mom... "

The three boys ran back into the living room where Ollie was sitting on the couch, hunched over with her head in her hands, her shoulders shaking with her sobs.

"Mom... " said Billie Joe, his heart breaking to see her that way. He sat down next to her and wrapped her arms around her, and Mike sat on her other side and did the same. Tre sat next to Mike, still lost in disbelief at what had just happened.

"I'm so sorry, Billie," Ollie sobbed, "If I'd had any idea he had this side to him, I-"
"I know," said Billie Joe, reassuringly, "None of this is your fault, Mom. He's an asshole and we're rid of him now."
"If you boys hadn't been here I dread to think what would have happened. Are you ok, all of you?"

They all assured her that they were. Billie Joe was aching a little but it was nothing compared to how he was feeling inside to see his Mom like this.

"I'm so proud of you three boys," Ollie said, softly, lacing her fingers with Billie Joe's. "I really am."

It was a strange feeling, knowing that he had gone. Relieving definitely, but not relaxing. Mainly because they were all half expecting him to show up again any moment and, knowing what he was like, they were pretty sure little things like doors and windows wouldn't stop him getting in if he wanted.

Mike and Tre stayed for most of the evening, and Billie Joe wondered what he would do without them. Having the three boys around made it easier for Ollie to relax, although she was still understandably shaken from the day's events.

While Mike and Tre were downstairs caught up in video games, Billie Joe sat on his bed, exhausted and craving some alone time with his own thoughts. He was still worried about Jessie. It was getting dark now. Where the hell was she? What if John had found her? He put his head in his hands and let out a deep breath, not noticing Tre's presence in the doorway.

"Are you okay, dude?" Tre asked him, stepping into his room.

Billie Joe looked up.

"Yeah, man, I'm fine."

Tre sat down next to him.

"Listen Billie, I've been meaning to talk to you"
"What about?"
"Jessie" said Tre, looking down at the floor.

Billie Joe's stomach clenched at the mention of her name. He really didn't want to talk to Tre about Jessie.

"What about her?"
Tre sighed.

"I haven't been honest," he admitted, "I mean, I told you nothing was going on but... something was going on... nothing major just, y'know, I kind of liked her and we made out a few times and... I didn't take it any further, I mean I ended it cause I... I didn't wanna fall out with you, y'know? The band's too important right now for us to fall out. And I don't wanna fight with you anyway."

The guilt was clawing at Billie Joe's insides.

"You really like her?" he asked, quietly,
"Well, yeah... I kinda do," Tre admitted with a nod, "I mean, I don't know her all that well. But I'd like to get to know her better. She seems like a really cool chick, y'know? I mean she's smart, and pretty and... I know you guys don't get on, so... "
"We do get on," said Billie Joe, rubbing his head, "We 're friends now. At least I hope we are."
"Oh... well, that's cool"

He wanted to tell Tre it didn't matter. He wanted to apologize for making him feel like he couldn't take things further with Jessie, tell him to forget it all and go and get her back, but he couldn't do it. Why couldn't he do it?

"Look Tre, I'm sorry, but I really can't think about this right now," Billie Joe mumbled,
"Hey, man, that's alright. As long as we're cool, you and me."
"We're cool," said Billie Joe, guiltily.

If Tre found out what had gone on the night before, he knew they would be anything but cool.

"Want a smoke?" Tre asked, changing the subject.
"Sure," said Billie Joe, "I'll roll up here and be down in a minute"
"Okay, man" said Tre standing up, "I'll go and kick Mike's ass at Donkey Kong a few more times while we wait"

Billie Joe smiled, before sliding onto the floor and picking up some rolling papers, then taking a block of hash out of the box under his bed. Tre was way too cool a guy to mess around with. He felt he had stabbed him in the back, and it felt like shit. Keeping it from him was a weight on his shoulders, but he knew Mike was right. They couldn't fall out before Saturday. This gig was too important.

He sighed, searching through the crap on his floor for something he could make a roach out of. His hand landed on a battered magazine, which he decided he could sacrifice. Turning it over to rip a strip out of the back cover, his breath caught in his throat as his eyes fell on the words scrawled across the paper. How the fuck hadn't he noticed this before?

I'm so damn tired of waiting for it to end, of crying and hoping, of needing a friend, of being in this hole, and trying to sleep, when I've tried to climb out but the sides are too steep.

Tears are streaming down my face, because I've lost something that I can't replace. You can't give it back, so don't even try, don't go looking, and don't ask why.

You gave me something new to feel, but it was never you, and it was never real. You can't give it back, so don't even try. It hurts too much, I can't say goodbye.

Billie Joe hunched forward, pressing his face into the cool paper that rested on his knees. She'd gone. She'd gone, and it was his fault. He felt like crying, but he didn't have the energy for any more of that. He just read her words over and over again, letting them sink into his brain, trying to get as much meaning out of them as he could, and only making the hurt worse and worse. She'd lost something that she couldn't replace? What had she...

He lowered the magazine and raised his head as realization dawned. How could he have been so fucking stupid? What had he thought she had fucking lost? He put his hands into his hair as a tear rolled down his nose. This had been way more than just sex to Jessie. He had hurt her in so many more ways than he had thought. And she was right. He could never give it back.

What had he done?