No One Knows

Billie Joe groaned.

"No... " he mumbled into his pillow, "It can't be morning yet... "
"It is," Jessie sighed, sleepily, smacking the alarm clock with her hand and rolling over to face Billie Joe, who was spread out face-down and showing no signs of moving. She ruffled his disheveled hair.
"Time to get up, Bill."
"You wouldn't know that if you'd obeyed my alarm clock rule."

Jessie giggled.

"Your alarm clock rule doesn't count when you have to get up too," she said.

He lifted his head and looked at her, blinking sleepily in the sunshine that was filtering through the blinds.

"Will you make me coffee for doing this?"

A half hour later and, miraculously, Billie Joe was behind the wheel, coffee-fueled, if a little bleary eyed, while Jessie sat in the passenger seat next to him, trying to choose something from the extensive collection of tapes she'd found in the glove compartment.

"What shall I put on?"
"Something that will wake me up."
"See, I think I'd describe all your music that way."
"How d'you know I don't have some Beethoven lurking in the back there?"

Jessie laughed,

"I'm willing to bet that you don't... How about The Who?"
"I'm not really in a Who mood... "
"Operation Ivy?"
"Perfect."

Jessie stuck the tape into the player and smiled over at Billie Joe when he started to sing along.

"I'm sorry I got you up so early," she said, when the song finished.
"That's okay. Once I'm awake, I'm awake. And I think I'm just about... awake."

He smiled at her.

"Thanks for doing this, Billie."
"Come on... you know I don't mind."
"It isn't much fun, though."
"It's more interesting than hanging around Berkeley all day."
"More interesting than hanging out in your new studio?"

He smiled.

"Right now," he admitted, "Things still aren't completely peachy where Mike and Tre are concerned."

Jessie bit her lip and looked out of the window, as she felt the guilt stirring in her stomach. She knew that if she broke up this band, she'd never forgive herself. Billie Joe read her expression and smiled.

"Hey," he said, "This isn't your fault, right? It's mine."
"How is it your fault?"
"Cause... Tre was my friend and I betrayed him. And Mike... well, Mike got pissed at me when I told him I kissed you and-"
"You told Mike you kissed me?!"
"Yeah. In retrospect... it probably wasn't the best idea I ever had."
"No shit!"
"But you don't know Mike like I do, Jess. He can read me like a book. It's freaky."

Jessie groaned.

"What if he tells Tre?"
"He won't."
"How do you know that?"
"Because he knows how much it would hurt him."

Jessie let the words hang in the air for a while, before they encircled her mind and tore through her gut.

"You know... what we've been doing... we shouldn't be doing it."

Billie Joe kept his eyes on the road.

"I know," he said, "But... I don't know if that's enough to stop me doing it."
"I know... "
"I mean, okay. I'm an eighteen year old guy, so think what you will. But I normally have a little more self-control than this."

Jessie smiled a little.

"Are you saying this is my fault, Mr. Armstrong?"

He smiled.

"Totally."

It was almost midday by the time they arrived. Pulling up on the same stretch of the promenade where they had parked last time, Billie Joe stretched in his seat, and then exhaled deeply.

"Can you believe it's more than a week ago we were sitting here?" he said, thoughtfully.
"No," said Jessie, staring out at the ocean.
"Are you all ready to do this?"
"Yep"
"Are you sure?"
"Uh huh"
"Okay," he said, "So... let's go."

Twenty minutes later they were still sitting in the car. Billie Joe sighed, folding his arms over the steering wheel and resting his head on top of them.

"Jessie... "

"Just... give me a minute to prepare myself."
"You said that when we first parked up. You aren't going to get any more prepared now."

Jessie bit her lip nervously and put her head in her hands.

"I don't know if I want to do this anymore."

Billie Joe sighed, lifting his head and twisting in his seat so that he was facing Jessie. She glanced up at him

"Look," he said, "We got up at Bastard o'Clock and drove four hours so we could be here. If you really don't wanna do this then, well, I'm not going to make you. But if I drive four hours back to fucking Berkeley and you give even the smallest hint of regret for not going through with this-"
"Okay, okay," said Jessie, cutting him off, "I get the picture. Let's go."

Even Billie Joe's heart was pounding when they were standing on the doorstep, so he didn't even want to imagine how Jessie was feeling. He rang the doorbell before she had a chance to chicken out of it, and then slipped his hand into hers while they waited for somebody to answer. Her palms were sweaty. He wasn't surprised.

He heard her intake of breath as the door opened, but the person who opened it could hardly have been described as threatening. He looked young, perhaps a little younger than Jessie, with messy dark red hair that looked kind of out of place against his tan.

He didn't say anything. He just stared at Jessie with his mouth slightly open and gripped the edge of the door so hard that Billie Joe noticed his knuckles were turning white. Glancing over at Jessie, he saw that she was staring right back at the boy, and she looked scared.

"Uh... hi," she said, shakily, "I'm... "
"Jessie," the boy breathed, "You're Jessie."
"Yeah," she said, uncertainly, "Um... are you okay?"
"Yeah... " he said, quietly, without taking his eyes off her. Billie Joe wondered if he'd noticed he was there at all. "Sorry, it's just... you look exactly like her."

Jessie swallowed and gripped Billie Joe's hand tightly as they walked into the house. It was very clean, and very white, but not in a nasty sterile way. It was kind of artistic. It felt fresh and sunny. As they walked down the hallway, Jessie noticed the walls were adorned with black and white photographs, and she longed to go back and study every single one.

"I'm Xander," said the boy, "... I forgot to say that."
"I guessed," smiled Jessie, "This is my friend, Billie Joe."
Xander smiled at him over his shoulder, and Billie Joe returned the smile as they walked into the kitchen, where they met Xander's father.

"I thought I heard voices," he smiled, "I was out in the backyard enjoying the sun. How about this heatwave, huh?"

Billie Joe raised his eyebrows at the small talk. He hadn't been aware of any heatwave. He thought it was called living in Southern California. He watched the guy's eyes settle on Jessie and take in her appearance with the same reverence that Xander had. He thought he saw him swallow back a tear, but he couldn't be sure.

"Jessie... ," he said, holding out his hand. Jessie took it, and he covered it with his other hand, It was an intimate hand shake which showed that, despite outward appearances, despite how weird this situation felt, this meeting meant a whole lot more to him than discussing the weather. Richard cleared his throat.

"It's wonderful to meet you," he said, hoarsely, "I'm Richard... I see you already met Xander."

Jessie nodded.

"Uh... this is Billie," she said, "Billie Joe. He drove me down here."

Richard dragged his eyes away from Jessie and looked at Billie Joe, before he shook his hand too.

"Thanks for doing that Billie Joe."
"Oh... uh, no problem."
"You guys want a Coke or something?" Xander asked, breaking the tension.
"That'd be great, man," said Billie Joe, "Thanks."

"Your house is really nice," Jessie commented, as they sat down in the kitchen.
"Thank you," said Richard, "Well, y'know, Liz did it all, really. Xander and I couldn't really care less how she decorated it, but she had all these ideas. Are you artistic?"
"Not really," Jessie admitted.
"She can write a good poem though," Billie Joe put in, and Jessie smiled.
"No kidding," smiled Richard, "Liz used to write poetry too. She wrote our wedding vows."
"That's cool," smiled Billie Joe, and Jessie nodded.

"So you decided what you're going to do with Transfer Avenue yet?" Richard asked Jessie,
"Yeah... I'm going to sell it. I don't have any use for it. It's too far away and, y'know, I'm too young for the responsibility of collecting rent and stuff."
"You wouldn't get any anyway," said Xander, passing them each a drink, "There's this bunch of hippy students in it right now, and I don't think they've paid their rent in ages. They just sit around all day smoking pot and stuff."
"Sounds like a pretty good life to me," smirked Billie Joe, then wondered if he should have.

Luckily, Richard smiled.

"Well, I dug out a bunch of stuff I wanted to give to you," he said, "Let me just go upstairs and get it."
"Thanks," said Jessie, as she watched him leave.

Xander continued to stare at Jessie across the table. Billie Joe could tell it was making Jessie uncomfortable, and obviously Xander could too, cause he looked down and said,

"Sorry. I just can't believe it's really you. I can't believe you're really Liz's daughter"
"Well... I can't believe I'm really in her house," said Jessie, quietly, "I guess this must be pretty weird for you though, huh?"
"Probably not as weird as for you"

She smiled.

"Probably."

A silence followed, and Billie Joe swirled his ice around in the bottom of his glass.

"So how old were you when you found out about Jessie?" he asked Xander.
"Only since like... two weeks ago," Xander replied.

Billie Joe's eyes widened along with Jessie's.

"Are you serious?" she asked.
"Yeah," he said, "But... you didn't know about me either, right?"
"Well, no, but... that's different. I had nobody to tell me!"

Xander nodded, and rested his chin in his hand.

"I went pretty crazy when I found out," he admitted, "Dad said he and Liz didn't tell me cause they thought I'd have run away on some crazy quest to find my stepsister... and they probably would have been right."

Jessie smiled, realizing for the first time that she had a stepbrother. That was almost like a brother. That was almost like family.

"Here we are," said Richard, re-entering the room and sitting down. "I've got some pictures for you."

Jessie held her breath as he pushed them over the table toward her. The feeling she got when she looked at the first picture was unlike anything she had ever felt before. Her stomach tightened, her heart ached, and she found it hard to breathe.

It must have been a pretty old picture, because she looked young, her hair very blond, with a few freckles across her nose like Jessie's. She was leaning against a tree. A big tree, maybe a redwood, but she couldn't tell. All she could do was stare.

"I took that down in Sequoia," said Richard, "Probably... eighty, eighty one. I've always liked that picture. But I think you should have it."

Billie Joe leaned over and studied it. He smiled. She did look like Jessie. She had the same eyes.

The next picture was of her wedding to Richard, and she looked younger still.

"Seventy eight," said Richard, "Xander was three... see?"

Jessie nodded, smiling at the little kid in the picture.

"Wow," she said, swallowing back the emotion, as Billie Joe took her hand underneath the table, "These are... amazing. I can't believe you were so young, Xander. I mean... I didn't know... that you'd known her so long."

Xander nodded.

"Xander's Mom died when he was a baby," said Richard, "So Liz was the closest thing to a mother he ever knew."
"She was my Mom," said Xander, simply, his voice hoarse.

At his words, Jessie felt a pang of hurt in her chest. It was almost like jealousy, however stupid that sounded. She wasn't his mom. She was supposed to he her mom. Why had she been able to mother some other kid and not her own daughter? Jessie blinked back some tears. Billie Joe noticed and rubbed his thumb over her knuckles. She squeezed his hand.

"I don't get it," she heard herself whisper.
"What?" Richard asked, softly,
"I don't get it," she said again, looking up, "I don't get why she left. I mean... you guys were happy and all but why did she leave when she already had a family?"

Billie Joe turned to Richard nervously as he tightened his grip on Jessie's hand.

"She never planned on leaving you forever," said Richard, quietly, "But... time went on and I think... she got scared. Going back became a bigger and bigger deal."
"That sounds like a pretty crappy excuse to me," said Jessie bitterly, "And it doesn't explain why she left in the first place."

Billie Joe looked at Richard expectantly. He had been thinking the same thing. Richard looked uncomfortable now. So did Xander.

"Jessie... I think, at the time... things were so bad between your parents that your Mom couldn't see a way out."
"There's always a way out. Do you know what happened between my parents?"
"I... I think that's a question for-"
"I don't see him anymore. Why were things so bad?"

Richard was quiet for a moment, like he couldn't think what to say. Suddenly, Xander broke the silence.

"He hit her."
"Xander!" Richard yelled, "You have no right to... "

Neither Jessie nor Billie Joe heard anything of the lecture Xander was receiving. Jessie stared at Xander, her blood turning icy. Billie Joe's heart was racing. He barely dared to look at Jessie.

"She should know that its true!" Xander was shouting.

Jessie's head was in her hands now, and silent tears were beginning to run down her face.

"Oh God," Billie Joe muttered, wrapping his arms around her, "Jess... "

Xander and Richard stopped arguing and turned to her, their faces suddenly clouded with guilt.

"Why did she leave me with him?" Jessie cried, "If he was hitting her, how could she leave me with him?"
"Jessie," said Richard, his voice croaky, "Honey... she left you because she had nowhere to go and she didn't think she could look after you. And she knew your Dad loved you. He didn't love her, but he loved you. She knew he wouldn't hurt you."

Billie Joe felt like his heart was tearing in two watching Jessie cry. How could Liz have been so wrong?

Xander watched silently, his face pale, before he leaned across the table towards Jessie.

"He... hit you too... didn't he?" he whispered.

When she nodded, Richard looked stricken.

"Oh my God... " he said, reaching over and taking Jessie's hands, "Oh God, Honey I'm so sorry."
"Only the past few months," said Jessie, tearfully, "Never while I was a kid. But he lost his job and... I don't know why he started really but... he did."
"If your Mom had known... " said Richard, his voice cracking, "Where's your Dad now? You aren't still living with this are you?"
"We've reported him," said Billie Joe, looking up from Jessie, "The cops are looking for him now. Jessie and her Dad moved in with me and my Mom... cause they got together. But Mom kicked him out when she found out he was violent and now Jessie lives with us."

Richard nodded, the concern straining on his face.

"She always said she'd go back to get you," he said, "When we met, we moved down to Phoenix, where I got placed for a year on business. She always said when we moved back to California that she'd find you and... time went by. I guess she thought by then you'd be old enough to resent her. And she struggled with it a lot. She wouldn't have other kids. She felt she'd screwed up with one, she couldn't take the guilt if she succeeded with another. She never wanted Xander to call her Mom. She loved him completely but she was always clear that he wasn't her son. She only ever had one child."

Billie Joe and Jessie didn't leave until late afternoon. It had been tiring, and emotional, but Jessie felt glad that she'd done it. She hadn't got the answers that she'd wanted, but they were answers all the same.

"Come back soon," said Xander, hugging Jessie after Richard, "I don't wanna miss out on another sixteen years of having a sister."

Jessie smiled.

"I will," she promised, "And you should come visit us up in Berkeley. Right Billie?"
"Right," Billie Joe smiled.
"Cool," said Xander, "I love it up North."
"Look after her, okay?" Richard muttered to Billie Joe as he shook his hand.
"Don't worry about that. I'll make sure I do."

Jesse didn't say much on the way back to the car, so Billie Joe didn't either. He didn't feel that, right then, there was really much to say and he could tell that Jessie didn't feel like talking.

Back in the car, they sat in silence for a few moments, Jessie fingering the photographs that Richard had given her, which she held in her hands. The one on the top of the pile was her favorite, she had already decided that, because she was in it herself. She was only about three years old, and she was sitting on her mothers lap. She liked it because they both looked really happy, and when she looked at it, it was easy to pretend that that's how they always would have looked together, if they'd been given the chance of a lifetime of photographs. The thing she liked best about it was how dog-eared and crumpled it was. Like it had been taken out very often and looked at, before being put back away.

She could feel all the emotion pent up inside of her, but it wasn't coming out. Why wasn't it coming out?

She felt Billie Joe's arm come around her and she let her head drop lightly onto his shoulder.

"She does look a little like me," she said, quietly, holding the picture up in front of his eyes, "Right?"

Billie Joe smiled a little, and pressed a kiss on top of her hair.

"Yeah," he said, "She's beautiful."

It turned out that was all it took, because next thing Jessie knew she was reaching for him, her head buried into his neck as she let out a sob that had been building up inside of her for far too long. Billie Joe pulled her into his lap and wrapped his arms around her as she cried harder than he had ever seen her cry, harder than he ever wanted to see her cry again.

"Oh God, Jess, I'm sorry... " he muttered, his own voice cracking as he felt her tears soak through his shirt, "I'm sorry."

He buried his face in her hair as she wrapped her arms tighter around him.

"I just can't believe," she said, her voice barely audible through all the tears and muffled by his shirt, "I can't believe this is her I'm looking at. I never even saw pictures. And now I'm never gonna get to see her for real."

Billie Joe nodded, burying his face in her hair as he felt his own silent tears surface in his eyes at the memory of losing his own father. But Jessie didn't notice, and he was glad.

It was quite dark by the time Jessie finally lifted her head and it took Billie by surprise. Neither of them had spoken or moved for what felt like a very long time, wrapped up together in the driver's seat, exhausted from the tears. He kissed her forehead.

"You okay?"

She nodded.

"I'm hungry"
"Me too," he smiled, "I think we passed a Chinese take out place further down the street. Wanna check it out?"
"Definitely. I feel like I could eat China itself right now."

They took their take out cartons down onto the beach and settled on the sand to eat. They didn't say very much, and Billie Joe wasn't sure if it was because Jessie was still too upset or just too hungry. He decided it must have been hungry, because when she finished she lay back on the sand and sighed.

"Billie?"
"Yeah?" he asked, looking up from the sand in front of him, where he was arranging pieces of the unidentifiable vegetable he'd found amongst his noodles into a neat pile. Jessie looked over at what he was doing and giggled. Then she rolled onto her side.

"Thank you for being here today."
"That's okay. I'm glad I was."
"I think I've got it all out of my system now," she said,
"Out of your system and all over my shirt," he smirked, and she thumped his arm, causing the noodles that were on their way to his mouth to fall into his lap. She laughed as he glared at her playfully.

"You really need to stop doing that."

Jessie slept most of the way back to Berkeley. It was pretty boring for Billie Joe, and he considered waking her up a few times, but every time he looked over at her, she looked so peaceful that he didn't want to.

The Pacific Coast Highway was particularly beautiful that night. The moon was almost full and very large in the sky over the ocean. It made the water glitter, and cast pale shadows over Jessie's sleeping features. Billie Joe found himself staring and thinking, not for the first time, just how goddamn beautiful she was. He dragged his eyes back to the road.

Jessie let out a sigh of relief when they arrived back home, kicking off her shoes and collapsing onto the couch. Billie Joe stretched and rubbed his eyes.

"I don't think I'm ready for bed yet," Jessie announced.
"That's cause you slept the whole fucking way," said Billie Joe, wryly, "I was bored outta my mind."
"Well, you could have woken me."
"I know... but you looked too cute," he smiled.

Jessie grinned, then leaned over and kissed his cheek.

"Okay," he said, sitting up, "I'll give you a game of Mario Bros before bed."
"I'm shit at your video games, and you know it."
"Ah, come on... " he said, sliding onto the floor and switching on the TV, "I bet you could beat me just once."

It turned out she couldn't. Billie Joe had her beaten within about ten seconds of pressing start. Jessie dropped her control pad onto the floor and scowled. Billie Joe laughed.

"Ah, I'm sorry, Jess," he said, before he leaned in and kissed her, taking her by surprise.

He slid his hands into her hair and pulled her closer, letting his tongue briefly meet with hers before he pulled away, leaving Jessie breathless, her heart racing.

"Okay," she breathed, "I'll play you one more time, but this time we'll raise the stakes."

Billie Joe quirked an eyebrow.

"How so?"
"If I win, I'm getting another kiss like that."

Billie Joe grinned.

"Deal," he said.

Within the first second of play, he walked off the edge of the screen to his death, dropped the control pad, leaned over and grabbed her. She giggled.

"You win," he smirked, before taking her face in his hands and kissing her with a passion that almost knocked her backwards. Jessie didn't hesitate in returning his kisses just as feverishly as he dragged her into his lap and he couldn't hold back a small moan as he felt her tongue run along his lips, before sliding into his mouth to rub against his.

Jessie's breathing was becoming heavy with excitement at how worked up he was getting and she knew she didn't want to stop here. This felt way too good to stop here.

She took him completely by surprise. He had barely noticed he was being pushed backward until his back hit the floor and Jessie was on top of him, kissing him deeply, her hands tangled in his hair. He placed his hands on her hips and pulled her down closer against him, his breathing becoming ragged and labored as the pace quickened and he realized that this wasn't any ordinary kiss, and he wasn't the only one getting ridiculously turned on here.

He felt excitement flickering in the pit of his stomach as his tongue dueled with hers and his arousal heightened. He let out a shaky breath as Jessie pulled away from the kiss and moved her lips to his neck, her breathing equally heavy, her heart racing just as fast.

Jessie bit her lip when she lifted her head and let her eyes roam over him, her breath hitching in her chest at how amazing he looked all flushed and excited. She shivered a little as she ran her fingers over the strip of exposed flesh where his shirt had ridden up over his waistband, and as she touched his hot skin, she felt a wave of desperation crash over her, and she captured his mouth once again. She had never needed him so badly.

She let out a soft gasp as his hand slid under her shirt and she felt his fingers running up the skin of her back, making her shiver as she stroked her own hand over his smooth stomach. He moaned softly into Jessie's mouth as her hand moved lower, and his breath caught in his throat when he felt her fingers against his crotch, sliding down the zipper on his jeans. Oh Jesus.

"Jess," he gasped, "Jess - wait-"

She broke off, resting her forehead against his.

"What?" she breathed, still toying with his jeans.
"I- Are you sure about this?... I don't wanna... Fuck everything up like last time, Jessie, I-"
"I'm sure."
"But... "

What the hell was he doing, he wondered in frustration. He really needed to learn to keep his fucking mouth shut. He was about to get laid by a beautiful girl. Just shut the fuck up!

"It's just... I don't want this to be some impulsive fuck on the floor... however fun that does sound... but no, I, things with us now are so good, I just don't want it to-"
"Billie," she smiled, putting a finger over his lips, "I want this. Right now."

With that, Jessie stood up from the floor and pulled Billie Joe up with her, before wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him deeply.

"I thought you'd have learned not to argue with me by now, Billie Joe," she smiled, before she dragged him out of the room.